​Self-Esteem and Self-Worth are two different animals that many people think are synonymous.  I’d like you to throw away the notion of high or low self-esteem and start to embrace the concept of your self-worth. 
 
Self-Esteem is transient.  It’s the sum of “what do I think about myself” combined with “what do other people think about me?”  It’s the over-arching assessment of these two factors, each affecting the other, and therefore constantly in flux.  Self-esteem is exhausting.
 
What other people think about you is subjective to your interpretation.  Folks don’t walk around with flashing signs describing how they size you up, right?  You make your best guess about what they think of you.  Your guess is influenced by what you think about you.  If you think you’re amazing, you’ll give others the benefit of the doubt that they think you’re pretty great.  If you think you’re lowly, then you’ll suss up that their opinion of you is that you are beneath them.  Then one begets the other – but are either of those trains of thought actually true?
 
And what if one of them gets derailed?  What if you think your colleague likes and respects you, you have good self-esteem at work.  Then in your humanity you “open mouth, insert foot” and offend or hurt them.  Now, this colleague is avoiding you while they process their thoughts and emotions, but you size it up that they don’t like you, they hate you, you’re no good, you’re a jerk, and the train goes on.  Your positive self-esteem was so feeble that it couldn’t withstand the subjective “what do others think about me.”
 
Negative self-esteem is also flimsy since it’s relying on anecdotal evidence coming from an internal voice which may or may not be well equipped to accurately assess how someone else feels about you.  So the way you feel about yourself in relation to this assessment is unnecessarily horrible.
 
Other people have their own inner world, and that effects the world at large.  Their difficult morning might have put on a put-out, annoyed face – and you’re taking it personally, but it’s really about their difficult morning.
 
On the other hand, Self-Worth is resilient. 
What am I worthy of?  Am I worthy of respect?  Yes.  Am I worthy of kindness?  Yes.  Am I worthy of love?  Yes.  Am I worthy of safety?  Yes. 
Do you see how these statements of worth don’t rely on how a person is assessing themselves and assessing how others assess them?  Whew, convoluted statement there.
 
Statements of worth aren’t determined by how good you are at something or what kind of people you have around you.  Statements of worth are about an inner value.
 
Are they always accurate?  No.
 
Sometimes we have low self-worth.  Sometimes we realize we’ve been hurting our spouse for a period of time and we feel that we are worthy of punishment.  But, we can atone.  Sometimes we grew up in households that made us prove we were worthy of love or respect by our accomplishments or high levels of compliance.  Those scripts keep running in our adult minds and we have to learn to identify them when they pop up and then argue their falsehood with truth about your worth (worth isn’t based on what you can provide).
 
Sometimes we have an inflated self-worth.  Sometimes an inordinately high self-worth will end up hurting people around us as they can’t live up to the expectations or standards that we set for ourselves and others.  In that case, we rarely feel like we can maintain relationships with others who don’t stay at our level.  Because we’re inflated, the people around us begin to eventually deflate.
 
Because self-worth isn’t reliant upon other people’s opinions of us, and it’s an internal concept we have the power to work on it.  To come to a place of honesty about ourselves and our worth.  We are born innocent.  We love.  We try hard.  We wish we could do better.  We strive to do well.  We are all worthy, even when we’ve made mistakes.
 
If self-esteem vs self-worth is one of your struggles I’d love to help you work to align it up with truth.  Please feel free to reach out at (530) 994-5114 or [email protected].

This is a term I usually hear from folks who believe that saying exactly what they think and feel is the most authentic way to be in the world.  However, I think that’s a cop out.  I think there’s a radical honesty that’s not being addressed – the internal, psychological world of the individual.

Radical honesty: “Yes, those pants make your butt look big.”
                             “You have halitosis.”
                             “I’d like to have sex with you, no strings attached.”
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There’s a bravery in this because the person is risking rejection and judgement from the people with whom they’re interacting.  But there’s also an inner voice that reinforces this behavior by saying, “clearly, these people are weak if they can’t handle your honesty.” And “you’re just being honest.”
But the person strategizing radical honesty is often less honest with themselves because they’re not saying, “what you just said hurt that person and it didn’t actually do anything to create meaningful or healthy change in their life or in your relationship with them.” 

What I like to try to understand is why did this person decided Radical Honesty was the way to go?  How have they been hurting lately?  Have there been recent relationship ruptures that have created this coping mechanism?  Because that’s what it really is, a coping mechanism.

If you’re on the receiving end of being in a relationship with someone engaging in hurtful statements with the excuse of “just being honest” then I suggest responding to them by saying, “that was really hurtful, was it necessary?”  We can be honest and also have tact and diplomacy.  If you’ve tried this a few times and it’s not working, then having healthy boundaries and letting them know that this is a stressful relationship and if the way they interact with you doesn’t change to include kindness within their honesty then you don’t have the energy to continue engaging.  They can choose how to respond to that and if they choose honesty without diplomacy then they’re choosing not to have that relationship.  They made the choice, their pain’s lie of Radical Honesty is false – you are not weak for refusing to engage in it, you are strong for standing up for yourself and for expecting balance.

If this article has triggered something in you because you’ve been Radically Honest lately and you can’t figure out how you’re hurting other people.  You genuinely don’t think you’ve been hurtful, but you also do see that the people in your life have been pushing back against the Radical Honesty – then maybe it’s time to talk with someone unbiased.  Someone who can go over those interactions with you and see if the other person was being overly sensitive or if you were more insensitive that necessary, and learn how to find the balance to be honest while maintaining the important relationships in your life.  It’s possible.  It can actually bring you closer and heal relationships when you’re honest with tact.

If want an appointment to talk about Radical Honesty in your life, please feel free to contact me at (530) 994-5114 or email me at [email protected]

Emotional Intelligence is the ability to tune into your own emotion and identify it – the ability to respond to your emotions appropriately – and the ability to connect to the emotions of others.
 
Let’s break this down:
 
Tuning In and Identifying Your Emotions.:

Anger and Righteous Indignation are big ones that are hard to see beyond.  They’re the big wall.  They tell you that you have this big emotion and you don’t have any responsibility to curb that emotion, because it’s the world’s/other person’s fault.  But usually, if you were to sit in the quiet of your anger then you’d realize it was also disappointment, frustration, guilt, shame, confusion, disillusionment, sadness, etc.  Those are all emotions that make you vulnerable, so anger rides in on its white stallion to allow you to feel the “bigness” of the emotion without feeling the accompanying vulnerability of it.

A person with developed Emotional Intelligence can feel that anger or righteous indignation, and know that there’s probably something else under it.  They can feel the anger while also searching for the other emotion and feel that one as well, knowing both are valid, even if they’re uncomfortable.
 
Responding to Your Emotions Appropriately:

Some people will feel ashamed of their big emotions and will hide them, stuff them down, cope in unhealthy ways.  Some folks will engage in horrible self talk, lash out, or use sarcasm to hurt others who they deep down feel have been hurtful to them. Some will “wear their heart on their sleeve” and inappropriately disclose or emote in situations that would have best been avoided if they had connected to their emotions and declined the invitation.  However, responding to your emotions appropriately means having the self-control to stop the sabotaging inner voice or unhealthy behavior.  To fight against it if you see it there.
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Responding appropriately means crying when you’re bereaved.  It means going for a fast-paced walk when you’re angry.  It means talking calmly to the person who disappointed you to let them know how you feel about the situation and giving them an opportunity to rectify it.  And it means saying “no thank you” to a party invitation when you’re struggling with something emotionally and you won’t be able to shake it off while you’re there.
 
Connecting to the Emotions of Others:

This is different from empathy (which is basically being able to feel the emotion someone else is feeling).  Connecting to the emotions of others is being able to identify what someone might be feeling and knowing what they can handle in the moment.  Someone is crying about the death of their beloved pet, they are not in a place to handle joking, criticism, guilt, or other negative interactions that will compound their bereavement.  You don’t have to feel their feeling to know that they can’t emotionally take on certain other emotions (that’s why it’s different from empathy). 

A person with Emotional Intelligence can identify what someone is experiencing emotionally and then respond with appropriateness. 
 
Emotional Intelligence is something that is taught during childhood.  Your parent, teachers, friends, and friends’ parents all take part in helping a child learn how to identify their own feelings, others’ feelings, and then coach them how to respond.  Some kids are born into families in which the parents aren’t very connected to emotional intelligence, so they don’t have that role modeling or coaching.  They might not have the other close relationships with other adults either.  Then those kids grow up to become adults with poor emotional intelligence.

Those folks are difficult to be married to: they pile it on when things are already hard, they don’t understand why you’re so sad about something and tease you about it at the worst times.  They are difficult to have as colleagues or friends because to them you should just “grow up.”

Whether you’re the spouse, friend, or colleague who needs to improve your emotional intelligence or if you’re in a relationship with someone the good news is that you can hone this skill.  You’re not doomed to be on the outskirts of your heart or society.  This is doable.

This is something that can be worked on in therapy since each person has their own strengths and barriers to their emotional intelligence.  It’s something that is worked on through stories in your past and present, and rewriting the narrative from your past and honing skills to use today.
 
Emotional Intelligence is a topic I feel pretty strongly about and love helping people through.  If you ever want to sit down with me as one of my clients please feel free to contact me at (530) 994-5114 or email me at [email protected]