There's this buzz word out in the world called BOUNDARIES.

What does that even mean?  You know you should have them.  You think you probably don't.  You hear the word "boundaries" and you think that it must be a measuring stick that you should be living up to, and that others are judging you by.

Let's demystify boundaries when it comes to parenting.

Boundaries are the gauge by which you allow people permission in your life.  Basically, how you let other people treat you, and how you treat other people.

THERE ARE TWO PARTS TO THIS.

ONE.

When it comes to children and teens, it's even bigger.  They are engaging with their peers and teachers in school, so they have first hand experience trying to figure out how to treat other people and how others treat them (peers & authority figures).  They look everywhere for the measuring stick: television, other peers, and most importantly their parents.

Your child or teen looks to their parent for permission on what is socially acceptable and responsible.  When your child was little you could say the words and tell them how to behave and what to allow.  Then, when your child grew and became a teen they stopped paying so much attention to your words, but they start paying attention to your actions.

What do you let their other parent get away with in their relationship with you?  What do you let their siblings get away with?  How do your friends treat you, and do you put a stop to things when your friends are being impolite or do you allow their indiscretions?    In what ways do you allow your teen to talk or behave in your relationship?  

What are YOUR boundaries with all the relationships in your life?


This is what your pre-teen and teenager is evaluating when they decide how to treat you and how to treat their friends.  

TWO.
 
Safety.  Kids and teens know that you are their protector.  They know that you have it all figured out (even when we're really just humans who don't have it all figured out).

If you are a consistent parent who says "no" to certain and specific things regularly, they can feel safe to know that a) this is something that is not acceptable, and b) they can try to persuade you to give-in, and if you give in then they know that you really mean it's okay this time - since you've been so consistently honorable with your "no" in the past.  It makes your teen feel safe to know that  you really thought this through and decided it is safe and okay - and they can rest in the knowledge that it's safe and okay - they are safe and okay.

If you have been inconsistent in the past with "no," "yes," and "maybe," they don't really know what is safe and okay, what is negotiable because it's is a power issue, what is negotiable because you haven't thought it through yet, and what isn't safe.  There are no fences in the world to keep the bad guys out, and the good guys in.  There's no definition, and very little trust.

It would make sense that they would act disrespectfully when they don't know where the boundaries are, how can they respect what they don't know or trust?

As their negotiating skills improve, as their button pushing improves, they start to realize that there is an imbalance of power in the relationship - and they have the lion's share.  Teens have never had this kind of power before, nobody has taught them to wield it wisely.

Teens learn to grow up with healthy relationships because someone loved them enough to tell them "no" and allowed them to suffer the consequences while they were still young enough that the consequence wasn't too hard.  I talk more about consequences in another blog post.

In the meantime, what are a few ways that your child or teenager invades your boundaries?
What are some relationships in your life where you need better boundaries, and your child/teen has witnessed other people treating you poorly, and you've allowed it.

Now, what is one boundary issue that you would like to resolve with your teen?  Just one!  Rome wasn't built in a day, boundaries are hard and it hurts when you make changes like this - too many too soon won't stick.  

Pick one boundary and focus on improving that over the next few weeks.  Then, re-read this blog post to refresh yourself and start on another boundary.  Put it on your calendar, schedule yourself to re-read the post and work on your 2nd issue.  

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Jessica Wilkerson also provides therapy to families, couples, individuals, children and teens.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at [email protected].  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Oh, the teen girls!  I love them.  Once upon a time, I was a teen girl... now, I'm a grown up woman with all these years of college learning in psychology and years of providing therapy to girls and their families.  But, I can still tap into that teen girl brain and emotions that once lived in this body when I need a reminder of those conflicts and feelings.

It's such a dichotomy in that brain.  "My parents are sooooo smothering!  They don't let me do anything!"  and also, "My parents don't even care about me.  Nothing I do is right, they don't pay attention to me unless I'm messing up."

No matter how much positive encouragement you give your teen girl, some girls will only notice when you reprimand them or give them instructions.

Why is this?  Well, there are several reasons.

1)  You are the parent.  You are "the system" or "the man."  It's the time in their lives where they are taking big courageous breathes to leave the nest and fly solo.  If they take every piece of valid and good advice you give them, then they fear they don't have what it takes to leave.  No one is as smart is mom or dad.  When they get good and valid advice from outside adults (even if it's the same advice) they know that when they are on their own they can still find answers to their questions without your help.  Is your teen's delivery of this information to you given in a mature and articulate manner, or by rolling their eyes and slamming their bedroom door?  Probably the latter, they aren't super mature and articulate - no matter how smart or sweet they are in general.

2)  Friends.  Peer groups.  As adults, we have them.  We generally socialize with people in the general vicinity to our ages.  Our people skills are as developed as the people we spend time with.  Your teen girl has friends who tell her what's cool and what's not cool.  They tell her if the boy she likes is cool or not cool.  They tell her what opinion she just stated is cool or not cool.  And really, for teen girls cool = socially acceptable.  "Dorky" kids think things are cool, and those things are different than what "popular" kids think is cool.  So cool is relative to your friends; therefore, cool = acceptable.  It's semantics, really - but the teens don't realize this.  They just need to survive.

I have to say that it has been my experience that most parents give their teenagers sage and wise advice.  Most parents inherently know their children, regardless of how much or how little they work, socialize, etc.  I have found that most parents feel frustrated and at their wits end because their teen girl isn't listening, and they are worried beyond belief for her well-being.

When you take point #1 into consideration, you understand why she's resisting.  When you take #2 into mind, you realize why her peers opinions are more important than yours.  

And really, when she's an adult those peers are going to be her colleagues in the office, her friends on the social scene.  Those peers will have children her children's ages and they will be at birthday parties and PTA meetings together as adults (especially in towns as small as those here in Butte County).

So when she's struggling in these relationships, not putting down appropriate boundaries, expressing herself constructively, and not listing to your advice, that's when I am able to come in.  I am another adult.  I have a laugh-y, joke-y demeanor that throws them off a little.  "Not another adult who thinks too highly of themselves, but rather can listen without judging me or telling me what to do!"  Yep.  I don't tell teenagers what to do to fix their lives.  I help them think through their options and I help them make the decision.

I teach them to think and make decisions in a healthy way so they don't alienate themselves from their friends or family.

I really love it when parents come into therapy with us.  When your teen is starting therapy she's talking like a teen, and you are accustomed to talking with them like kids.  So we work on that and she has a safe harbor to try some new techniques, while you learn too.  Later, we bring parents back in to do it again, now your teen has had a few months of learning, and she has some more skills to practice with you.  Practicing with you is easier and safer than practicing on friends - so it gives her confidence!  

I do love those teen girls!  Someday they will be women, amazing women, our peers and colleagues!  How wonderful and lucky are we to get to watch and be a part of them growing and evolving.  Little butterflies!  Little birdies learning to fly!

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Jessica Wilkerson also provides therapy to families, couples, individuals, children and teens.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at [email protected].  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Tuesday evenings 6:00-7:30 pm, now through June 24.  Chico Creek Counseling.

Beginning next week, I'm offering a 7 week group for parents of adolescents.  If you have a pre-teen or teenager and your relationship with him/her has been affected by their new sets of behaviors.  Is this happening:  One minute they are sweet talking you like when they were little, the next minute they're screaming at you that you don't know anything and you're so unfair?

Has there been a change in your teenager's life: divorce of parents, changing of schools, changing of friends, the new freedom of having a driver's license or job, drama with friends.

And have you noticed these changes have also created changes in your home life. It's affecting your teen, but it's also contributing to confusion and hurt feelings by the rest of the family, and you've been trying your best to figure things out and smooth them over.

You are NOT alone!

I have provided therapy to many, many junior high and high school kids.  I have provided a lot of family therapy: the parents, the child(ren), me, and the sofa.  It seems that so many similar themes play out in families during this time of restructuring.  Every family I work with is very unique, and yet still struggling in similar ways.

I've created a 6 week program to talk about topics that I see as reoccurring themes to help parents know what is in their power.  Where to give leeway, where to hold firm, and develop a little more understanding about what is going on in that teen brain!

The group is $25 per session.  However, because for me this group is more about helping families.  Helping teens by helping their parents.  Helping fellow parents keep their serenity.  Because I'm passionate for families, I'm not doing this group to grow rich in money, but rich in love and satisfaction of helping others.  The first parent in the family who attends pays $25, but the second parent is only $10 (plus, the first session you attend is free!)  

Parent can also be a grandparent or caregiver struggling with the behaviors in the home, and looking to be a support system for the family.

Please call or text (530) 921-5122 or email [email protected] to register.

Class schedule is as follows:

5/13 - What is going on in that brain?!?!  Discussion about the changes in the teen brain & how it
           affects behavior.
5/20 - Where did I go wrong?  No one is perfect all the time.  How guilt influences the way we
           parent, & how to shed guilt.
5/27 - Expectations.  Parent expectations, tween/teen expectations - where is the balance? 
6/3 -   Boundaries with Teens.  Where do you draw your line, and how do you hold to it?
6/10 - A Family on a Mission.  How to bring cohesion to your family so everyone is on track &
           going the same direction. 
6/17 - Does it sometimes feel like your family is in chaos?  Learn strategies & techniques for
           holding a family meeting and getting your teen invested in the rules & the decisions made
          during that meeting.
6/24 - Conversation Hour.  No particular topic.  What is the nagging thing that is still lingering in 
           your family, and you want to talk about with Jessica and with a few other parents.  
           Let's just sit, chat, and troubleshoot!

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at [email protected].  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Continued from: As Parents... (Part 2)  and  As Parents... It's Not All About Them: What Do WE Need to be Happy?  (Part 1)

Mission.

A family is not a business.  But in many ways the aspects of the business model is indeed incorporated into the family dynamic.  The parents could be considered the managerial staff: keeping the accounting books in the black, restocking supplies, general overview and running of the mill.  The children or teens; however, are not mere employees doing their due diligence to get the work cranked out.  Nothing would get done if we had those sorts of expectations!

Instead, I like to think of the parent/teen scenario as the parents being the dept. managers who are about to retire or be promoted, and they are training their teens to be their replacement. 

Offices sure do run better when the manager sticks around to train his replacement, rather than controlling every aspect until the last minute and then throwing the new guy on the job only half-ready or not at all.  There's a ripple effect affecting everyone in the business when things of that nature happen, and there's a similar effect when teens leave the nest without the proper training.

So how do we change our thinking from "I'm in charge, I'm the boss,and I say what goes" to a healthier vision of training our replacement?  It takes work and dedication.  But I'll give you a few tips.

If you go online and look up your favorite companies, on each business's website you'll find a Mission Statement.  A mission statement outlines the reason the business exists, it's goals and how it hopes to achieve them.

I'd like you to please take a moment to ask yourself, "What is the mission of my family?"  

It's okay if you have never thought about this before, you're thinking about it now.  This is a helpful tool to help get your family in sync.  It brings communication and closeness between all the members in the family.  Here's how:

• Gather the family and brainstorm a list of values, as many as you can think of!  Here's a starter set: Accountability, Commitment, Courage, Faith, Gratitude, Loyalty, Privacy, Promise Keeping, Respect, Responsibility, Self-restraint, Teamwork, Tradition.  There are many more, what are some that resonate with you and your family?
  
• Now that you have your list, ask everyone in the family to write down their top five values.  

• Let each person discuss why they chose each value - doing this as a round robin keeps the conversation going and avoids boredom and feeling lectured by the other family members.

• Pick between 4 and 6 values to incorporate in your mission statement.

• Write your statement using the values.  An example using a few values listed above would be: "In our family we value being respectful to one another, keeping our commitments, expressing gratitude, and remembering to walk in our faith.  We do this so we can enjoy our time together and be a positive influence on our friends and the world."
  

Now, consider writing a mission statement describing your family's identity (who you want to be) and purpose (what you want to achieve together).  Memorize it and review it regularly.  When needed, ask each other: "How does the decision we're making reflect our Mission?"

All the members of your family are invested in seeing it through, because all the members had a hand in creating it.  You are a family, you are a team.  

Support/Guidance.

It can be so easy to lose yourself in all your responsibilities as a parent.  To run around like a chicken with it's head cut off, or bury your head in the sand like an ostrich in fear.

Both of those analogies really creep up on you as life gets busier and busier, and the next thing you know you're in full throttle.  But you know what both of those examples have in common?  Isolation.  Neither of those feathered friends above are spending time getting refreshed by their peers.  

If you know about oxytocin, then you'll know that we were created to live in a loving connection with other people (and if you don't know about oxytocin: it's a hormone our bodies create to connect us to another person.  Primarily released during lactation & child birth to bond with the baby, and during orgasm with our lover - it keeps us longing for them when they are gone, and we are less likely to make love to another).  

You don't see many indigenous peoples living solitary lives, and they don't just create community in order to scare off predators or invaders.  Why is this?  As humans we long for community and relationship with our peers.  Research studies have shown that people survive heart attack surgeries most effectively when they have loving, supportive relationships in their lives - that people have healthier bodies, clearer minds, and an overall sense of joy when they connect to other adults in meaningful relationships.

If you are shy or nervous when going meet new people it can be helpful to tell yourself that you're doing it for your teen.

Having adult friendships helps you maintain seperateness and self-definition from your teen (mentioned in Part 2 of this series).  You are able to role model for your teen what healthy friendships look like (remember those teen years, some of those friendships were iffy).  If you are a single parent, it can occur that our children and teens can take on a friend or caregiver role to fulfill our need for friendship/companionship - having your own adult friends takes that burden from your teen (even if he's placed that responsibility upon himself under no influence from you).

When you have friends who have pre-teens, teens, or grown children they can give you perspectives you wouldn't have thought of on your own.  The cliche: it takes a village to raise a child - does not stop at the teen years.  

Plus, if your friends have teens you benefit two-fold: They might have anecdotes about the kids you haven't heard yet, so you get a little glimpse into who your teen is when you're not around.  Second, if you all spend time together at the same time (adults visit adults while teens visit teens) in the same home, you're still interacting with your teen while also getting the refreshing you so deeply need.  

This is a pivotal point that I think many, many parents overlook.  They think their martyrdom from social activities is proving they are devoted parents, but in the grand scheme of things better parents balance time at home and time with friends.

Boundaries.

Teens hear Who You Are more than they hear what you say.  They aren't looking for head knowledge, they want to learn through experience.  That means they are siphoning your verbal and non-verbal communication with them and with other people.  They are putting it in their gas tank to use later when they are with others or with you.

I'd like you to genuinely ask yourself: What are your priorities, and do you actually incorporate them into your life?  

Do you say your priority is your family, but then you work late most days?  Do you say that you value clean/sober living, but then laugh along with movies that have drug or alcohol abuse?  Do you say that you place a high importance on good grades, but the tv or radio is always on? 

Where does what you say and what you do connect and where do they separate?  

What happens when someone else in your life pushes your limit?  Do you give in?  Do you give in and gripe?  Are you politely firm when you decline?  

What happens when your teen breaks a rule?  Do you follow through with the consequence?  Do you give warning after warning with no follow through?  Do you come up with a consequence on the spot, then feel guilty for how harsh it was and renege later?

Whether it's a boundary in your family, work or social life, your teen is picking all of it up.  He's learning how far he can push you, and also he's learning how far to allow others to push him.  

When you exhibit healthy and appropriate boundaries, your teen will internalize those same boundaries.  You can know that when he's at school, work, or out with friends he won't be talked into doing something harmful, and you can also know he won't likely be as overly rebellious to seek out risky behaviors as he would be otherwise.

If you wonder if your boundaries are healthy and appropriate, may I suggest that you write a list of your boundaries and then talk to your friends, spouse or partner, or a therapist.  If someone suggests you might have too strong of a boundary, or too weak of one, you have a starting point to find out where the happy-medium lies.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at [email protected].  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

We live in our hearts, our minds, our homes, and our relationships.  So when we are overwhelmed and unbalanced in one of those areas we feel the reverberations.  We intimately feel that disbalance throughout the other parts of who we are.  Sometimes it can be so subtle that a person can't really identify the origin, all they know is there's an uncomfortable feeling welling up inside.  They look around to find something to fix, but no matter what they change or what they control they just can't seem to find peace.

Even if it's not right at this moment, I would bet there's a point in your life where you can nod your head and relate.

In the midst of all those stressors, you are raising children and/or teenagers.  You are working full-time (or more).  You are paying bills.  You are trying to maintain romantic and platonic relationships.  You are trying to keep up on housework.  

When people get overwhelmed it can be very easy to slip into negative thinking and begin remembering some the ways you felt your parents might have failed you.  It starts a whirlwind of negative thoughts and you begin to worry about the ways you might have already failed your kids (and then worrying about the ways we might fail them in the future).  

You forget to notice all the positive experiences in your life up to this point because you've gotten mired into the stress and guilt of it all.  You can't see your own sunny days as you sink into the quicksand of guilt.

When it gets to this point, it feels like there is just so much to do, and so much to think about that if seems as if there is no time for joy.  You're just holding it all together and waiting for the day that you'll finish one of these long, arduous tasks.  Sometimes it can seem as if you're just biding your time until your teenager grows up and you have one less worry (and then that reminds you that your teen is nearly grown and you won't have them anymore.  Oh great, one more thing to worry about).

Yeah.  I get it.

Been there.

But guess what.  None of that is real.  Yes, all of it is very, very real - but the stress of it is a script that, as parents, we are playing over and over in our heads and it needs to stop.  Stop!

How can we teach our teens to grow up into well-balanced adults if we're so plagued by guilt, stress, and a lack of personal definition that we are "surviving" instead of "thriving"?  For our teens we are the Gold Standard.  They swear they won't be like us when they grow up, that they'll be different and better - and yet, they are subconsciously role playing and modeling themselves after us every single day.  Our teens love us.

Oh jeeze, you say.  This is heavy and complicated.  

While this is all new territory because we've never parented teens before - they've never been teens before, and on that subject we're experienced.  We've been teens - and we survived!

I'd like to discuss six categories that parents need to reflect upon and situate within themselves so they can enjoy these years of parenting their teen.  You got through the diapers, two-year-old tantrums, car seats, boogers, and all those pictures they brought home from elementary school.   Now they're teenagers who can think & speak for themselves, and now it's time to enjoy your hard work - and yet... in a way, it's so much of a different kind of hard.

Six Categories:
Guilt vs. Remorse                         Compassion                            Self-Definition
Mission                                           Support/Guidance                   Boundaries

In Part 2, we'll discuss Guilt vs Remorse, Compassion, and Self-Definition.

In Part 3, we'll discuss Mission, Support/Guidance, and Boundaries.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at [email protected].  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Have you ever experienced these feelings:

I thought by now... I'd have a great marriage.

I thought by now... I'd be farther along in my career.

I thought by now... I'd understand my emotions surrounding my weight issues.

I thought by now... my kids would listen and respect me better.

I thought by now... I'd be happier... my parents would approve of me... I'd have a better social life... I'd feel more peaceful... I'd be able to balance all my responsibilities... I wouldn't be so worried or anxious all the time... I'd feel less grief for my loved one's death... I'd have joy.

I don't know why bad things might have happened to you, or why you're disappointed. I don't, and I won't pretend to have all the answers. But what I will do is get down into that murky water with you. I'll sit there in those deep and dark waters and listen to what you've been keeping to yourself all these years. You won't have to be alone when you are ready to talk bout the heavy things weighing on your heart.

When you're ready to create a new future, a new hope, then I will be there to do my very best to teach you some skills that might help.

I am passionate for you. I am passionate for families, marriages, and children. I believe there is a domino effect in our relationships with the people around us when we release some of the heartache we're holding and we learn new ways to relate to ourselves.

As an intern, I work under the supervision of board licensed therapist, Joe R. Taylor, LMFT #46406, who has had years of experience in the field. In addition to all that I've learned in graduate school, multitudes of extra training, and clinical experience, my supervisor ensures I use empirically validated techniques to help you enrich your life and skill set.

I am excited to know you, to help you, and to partner with you each week during your journey. This is your journey, and I'm honored to be a small part. Thank you for visiting my website and please feel free to click over to my Vitae to see the continuing education I've received and over to the About Me section to learn of some of my professional history. Thank you.