arent-teen relationships can be hard to navigate sometimes!

This is one of my favorite types of therapy to be a part of: helping parents and kids get on the same page.  We spend so much time with them and their cuteness while they're little and then they reach adolescence and they start pulling away.  It can feel surreal and a little heartbreaking sometimes.

No longer are we their best person who they want to come to for reassurance or a feeling of security - but we are "other" and they need to see how far they can push us away while still being a part of things.  Not all kids.  But many of them.

Here's the thing: it's not personal.

I mean, in some aspects it might be personal - you tend to tease them in front of their friends and they just don't want to be embarrassed on purpose anymore - but youth don't always know how to communicate that and still maintain their relationship.  They're new to this whole autonomny thing.  They don't know how to do it well.

Here's where I come in within the therapeutic process.

I meet with parent and child together.  We get on the same page and determine who my client is.  Usually it's the child/teen.  We figure out our goals - which since my client is the youth the goals are directed toward the youth's desires: learn how to talk so my parents will listen, become more independant, get along better with my friends, etc.  I ask the youth if it's okay if their parent can join us every three or four (or five) sessions so they can practice what we learn in session with someone who's safe and who would benefit from practicing with them.

Then we start sessions.  I get to know your teen/youth.  We talk about their friends, their parents and siblings.  We talk about what they want out of life or out of the weekend.  Through the casual conversation I pick up on various things in their story and ask more about it (why did you make that choice?  What did that make you think about yourself or about them?  How did you cope?) and then I ask what would happen if they tried it this other way?  Would the people around them respond differently if they said or did things from a different perspective?  If they would have taken a diffferent perspective would they have made different choices?

It's all part of a conversation that doesn't feel so clinical.  It's not like tv where we sit across from each otheer and I write on a pad of paper, psychoanalyzing them.  We go for walks or play Yahtzee. We might stay on the sofa/chair but curl up our legs and chat like friends would.  The teen/youth leaves feeling like she just talked to an aunt and not some professional lady who's going to tell her all the things she did wrong.

Then, during the session where parent comes in I wear my professional hat and help a dialogue take place.  My goal in that dialogue is two-fold: to focus on how the two people are communicating and to improve the relationship between them.  The teen's goal is usually to focus on the content of the conversation (Am I allowed to have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Can I stay the night at friends' houses, etc).  

The following session the teen/youth and I debrief about what went well and what could be improved upon.  We work on what they can do differently (because you can't change the people around you, you can only change yourself).  

And then the cycle begins again -  and hopefully with the next parent session the teen has another set of tools in their toolbelt and the relationship continues to evolve.  It's not a quick fix, but it's moving in the right direction toward healthy communication and relationship as your kiddo goes from child to teen to adult.

Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #104464
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Jessica works in Chico California helping individual adults and teens, couples, and families.  Whenever she's in session she's always thinking about the relationships this person has and how those relationships influence them and how they're influencing the relationships.  She's looking for the dance and looking to help her client navigate the ways they contribute to relationships and how they can change the song to one that's a little happier.

To contact her for an appointment send her an email at jdw@jessicawilkerson.com or call/text (530) 994-5114.

I have a tendency to dig right in.

I have to force myself to remember to engage in the expected pleasentries of hello, how are you, how has your day been so far?  This is because by the time my client has shown up to my office I've already been thinking about him/her - how about I just say "you" instead of the politically correct pronouns.

I've been thinking about you. 

I get up in the morning, take my shower, drink my coffee, drop my children off to their respective places, and drive into work.  I listen to the radio while I drive in, but that's mostly background noise.  I think about the people I get to see today.  Their stories come back to me and I start wondering how they've been this week based on how they left my office the previous week.

By the time you arrive, I've already started our conversation hours ago, and I'm ready to jump right in.  But quite often, I'll catch myself, and I'll say the hello first...

I think existing clients become accustomed to my genuine interest in hearing about their experiences and my deeper digging, "so then how did that make you feel about yourself afterwards?"  But newer clients always have longer pauses and their expressions a little more awkward, as if to say, "hold the reigns there cowgirl, we've just met!"

Here's the thing I think new clients need to know - therapists love this stuff!

Licensed therapists have either a master's or doctorate degree in psychology or social work.  They invested 6-10 years of schooling and then 2-10 years of internship before taking rigorous exams to obtain their license.  They incurred enormous debt as a financial investment.  All-the-while knowing that this is not a highly lucrative field.  This is because they see the best in the world and they want to help fix people's hearts and their relationships.  They went though all that time because they want to spend their lives increasing the joy in this world and mitigating the sorrow.  They are the types of people who look at someone's pain and want to stand next to them, helping them to get through it.  

So think of it this way, if you over-disclose in "real life" it might be a problem and there might be judgement.  You should and do need to go slowly with friendships, disclosing as you build trust.  New relationships are a time where you're both showing the other person how trustworthy, judgemental, forgiving, open-minded, etc you each are.  You're finding the balance of disclosure - how much is too much vs how much is just right.

In therapy, we are unique individuals who already had a knack for digging deep, wanting to understand, and with big ol' hearts for helping others.  

I had a person once tell me, "You're going to see inside my soul!"

Wow!  That's deep!  That's heavy.

And I think the scary thing for that person isn't that I'll see in their soul, but that I'll peer in there and see their brokenness, see what's wrong with them, decide they're irredemable, and reject or judge them.  That would certainly be a heavy secret to keep.

But let me reassure you, when I'm digging deep I'm looking for the places that shine - for what's beautiful.  I'm looking for the broken pieces and seeing if I can find every last shard so I can help you put it back together.  It might not look like it did before it broke (your heart or you), but it will be a new masterpiece.  

People have these wounds they carry around for fear others will see their pain and exacerbate it with negativity, so they hold onto it tight.  Then I come around with my cheerful demeanor and ask to take a look.  I don't believe I'll see the things you fear down there.  I won't see monsters.  I'll see what happened during your foundational experiences that hurt you, and the behaviors you've been engaging in as a way to protect you from those original things.  I'm looking for ways to help you save yourself.

So the next time you're in therapy and whomever your therapist might be asks you a question that you think will turn them off from you forever, dig deep and answer it anyway.  It might give them the exact road map they need to help you find your new masterpiece and put together the pain so it's not something you need to carry with you any longer.

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Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT 104464
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Jessica lives and works in Chico California where she helps teens, adults, and couples battle through trauma and relationships to find a more joy filled, balanced, and healthier life.  You can reach out to her for an appointment by phone/text at (530) 994-5114 or by email at jdw@jessicawilkerson.com

Sometimes a traumatic thing will happen and you'll bounce right back after a bit, but sometimes it sticks with you.  Bits and pieces that pop back in.  Body reactions that you don't know where they came from - sudden panic, sweating, recurring thoughts about death or injury.  Unhealthy responses to people and situations that are similar to or bring up memories about a horrible time in your life.

The theory of EMDR is that these memories didn't fully process and instead are still connected to the emotions that you were experiencing at the time of the event.  Now, when you think about or talk about what happened those emotions take over.  You cry, you get angry, you become afraid, and then you respond to yourself and to others from that state of mind.  It might even be affecting your marriage, parenting, or friendships.

EMDR is a well researched technique and it's believed that how it works is to help transfer those memories from the emotional and creative thinking side of your brain over to the more concrete thinking part of your brain.  The result is that when you think about, talk about, or are in similar situations you can be the one in control of your emotions, not the other way around.

It's not a quick fix.  It doesn't work for everyone.  But I've seen some incredible changes and I've had clients who report a lot of healing.

Here's the description from the official EMDR website.

Here's an interesting youtube video.

If you want to talk about your situation and assess if EMDR would be helpful for you, then please feel free to give me a call at (530) 994-5114 or send me an email at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.

I have been given a wonderful opportunity to host a live, call-in radio show to help our community with their questions regarding family, parenting and relationships.  It started today, September 15, 2014.

You can tune in every Monday at 12:30 pm on kkxx.net or if you're local on 104.5 FM/ 930 AM.

The 12:30 show is live, but if you don't have time during your lunch hour to listen, they play the recording again at 6:00 & 9:00 later that same evening.

Here is our first show ever!  I discussed "What is therapy,"  "Why would you go to therapy," and took a call from the father of a "rambunctious 4 year old boy".  

Remember, this is a Christian radio station, so there is a little discussion of faith in there.

Click Here to Listen!

It's quite often that a teen girl will experience feeling broken and powerless.  There are so many other people directing their lives (socially, scholastically, relationally) it's no wonder they go through these periods.  When this starts affecting their deepest relationships and the family it might be time to bring them to a therapist.  Why?  Read below.

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Teen girls can be sensitive and stubborn; happy and silly; sullen and sad.  Teen girls can be confident one minute, and then the next minute compare themselves to their friends or tv, and then feel fat, plain, or less-than.  Why are their emotions such a roller coaster!

There are many reasons for this phenomenon!  Changes in brain chemistry, changes in peer relationships, changes in opposite gender relationships, changes in hormones, changes in society's expectations of them, changes in their expectations of themselves, and changes in their roles in the home.

All these changes make for one very confusing identity for your girl.  "Who am I?" she asks.  "Who is she?!" you ask.  Who knows!?!?!

In this posting, I'd like to talk about teen girls and therapy - and how all this relates to their identity and these changes.

In previous posts I've talked about how your child and teen look to you to role model healthy boundaries and respect.  You are their main focus for these traits, but you're not their only role model.  They are watching their friends (who are watching their own parents, and also watching your daughter) - sounds like that 7 Degrees of Kevin Bacon game a little, doesn't it!  Ha!

So your daughter is getting cues from her friends.  They tell her their opinions on other people - and then she inadvertently sizes herself up against those people.  They tell her their opinions about her and about themselves.  They are bonding and learning (and comparing).

Unfortunately, teen girls often evaluate themselves inaccurately - and whatever script she has learned from the women in her life, she will repeat.  

EXAMPLES:
If she has not learned to accept a compliment she will not know how to allow others to feed her positive identity traits.  

• "You look pretty today."  "No, I don't, I hate this dress."  -  
  
• "You look pretty today."  "Thanks, but my teacher is being a jerk today."  
  
• - or - she could learn the healthy response:  "You look pretty today."  "Thank you!"
  

If she has learned to identify who she is with what she has done she will not be able to fail gracefully.

• "That's not how that task was supposed to be done."  This is interpreted as: "I can't do anything right, I'm not even going to try, I'm worthless!"
  
• "That dress is too short, and you will look easy if you go out wearing it" This becomes:  "I'm trashy!"
  
• "You could have used a coupon to buy that item for less." She believes: "I'm bad with money!"
  
• THE WORSE ONE: "Let's go see a therapist."  Turns into: "I'm broken!"
  

I could go on, but I'm sure you get the point.  That last one is the one I want to look at closer:
"Let's go see a therapist."  "I'm broken!"

Therapy does not mean you're broken.  Therapy is like taking another class in school.  You're learning new skills, new ways to look at things, new ways to talk to yourself and to talk to other people so you have better relationships and better days in general.

Your teen girl doesn't always understand this, and no amount of talking will help her understand it.  However, if you role model for her, if she has your support and your shoulder to lean on (literally) she'll feel less broken and feel more open.  I encourage parents to attend therapy with their teen for the first month.  That's three or four sessions together where the goal of therapy is to improve the parent/child relationship.  We primarily focus on healthy communication.  We focus on the relationship - not the individuals.  It's the relationship that needs to heal, and not necessarily the people.

Guess what happens when you start this - the people heal in ways they didn't even realize they needed healing!

Your daughter starts to feel heard and valued.  You didn't pawn her off on a therapist because she's broken and needs to be fixed.  You joined with her, you showed your imperfection, you became vulnerable with her, you are a team.  After a few weeks together your relationship is a little stronger and your daughter is ready to go deep with me as her therapist.  Therapy is normalized, she feels safe, she can talk about what is happening with her friends and we can work together to improve her skills with herself and other people.

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Jessica Wilkerson also provides therapy to families, couples, individuals, children and teens.
To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Group therapy can be a very powerful tool for healing!  Let's look at the reasons for groups:

1)  Attending a group session is considerably cheaper than one-on-one therapy.  The licensed therapists at Chico Creek Counseling charge about $100 per individual session, while the pre-licensed interns charge about $75 per session.  Group therapy sessions range in price from $25-$40 depending on the therapist leading the group and the topic.  Currently, we have a group for parents of teenagers that runs $25 per session.  That's 1/4-1/3 the regular rate of therapy.  You leave having been heard, learning new skills, but your pocketbook hasn't been quite as affected.

2) Closed groups vs Open groups.  Most group therapy is provided as a closed group.  What this means is that the people who join in the beginning are the only people allowed to be a part of the group for the duration of the schedule.  In time, you let down your guard, you talk about your struggles and they talk about theirs.  A trusting and safe atmosphere is created between you and the other group members.  The therapist participates as an educator, leader, and helper - but everyone gets a chance to be heard and to help one another.  You sign up for this group and you commit to being there for the tenure of the weeks.  An open group; on the other hand, can have people coming in and out.  You don't have to commit, you can come for the topics that you need and skip the topics you think you have handled already.  In an open group, you still share your experiences and you help others with ideas and support just as you would in a closed group, but you don't go quite as deeply or intimately.  This is great for people who have a hard time opening up.

The Parenting Your Teen group going right now is an open group.

I chose this career because I have a deep passion for helping others.  I know that for some, one-on-one therapy can either be intimidating or can be a financial hardship.  This is why I facilitate the occasional group therapy.

If group therapy is something you might be interested in, then please contact me to find out if I have a group in progress or on the calendar to begin soon.  Also, if I don't have a group happening right now, but you have a topic that interests you then I would be glad to talk and brainstorm with you about putting a group together!  Sometimes a group isn't happening because I just haven't had the a-ha moment to think of it!!!  Your suggestions are very welcome!

Some groups held now or in the past are:

• Parents of Toddlers
• Parents of Pre-Teens & Teenagers
• Discovering your Authentic Self
• Boundaries & Confidence

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Jessica Wilkerson also provides therapy to families, couples, individuals, children and teens.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Oh, the teen girls!  I love them.  Once upon a time, I was a teen girl... now, I'm a grown up woman with all these years of college learning in psychology and years of providing therapy to girls and their families.  But, I can still tap into that teen girl brain and emotions that once lived in this body when I need a reminder of those conflicts and feelings.

It's such a dichotomy in that brain.  "My parents are sooooo smothering!  They don't let me do anything!"  and also, "My parents don't even care about me.  Nothing I do is right, they don't pay attention to me unless I'm messing up."

No matter how much positive encouragement you give your teen girl, some girls will only notice when you reprimand them or give them instructions.

Why is this?  Well, there are several reasons.

1)  You are the parent.  You are "the system" or "the man."  It's the time in their lives where they are taking big courageous breathes to leave the nest and fly solo.  If they take every piece of valid and good advice you give them, then they fear they don't have what it takes to leave.  No one is as smart is mom or dad.  When they get good and valid advice from outside adults (even if it's the same advice) they know that when they are on their own they can still find answers to their questions without your help.  Is your teen's delivery of this information to you given in a mature and articulate manner, or by rolling their eyes and slamming their bedroom door?  Probably the latter, they aren't super mature and articulate - no matter how smart or sweet they are in general.

2)  Friends.  Peer groups.  As adults, we have them.  We generally socialize with people in the general vicinity to our ages.  Our people skills are as developed as the people we spend time with.  Your teen girl has friends who tell her what's cool and what's not cool.  They tell her if the boy she likes is cool or not cool.  They tell her what opinion she just stated is cool or not cool.  And really, for teen girls cool = socially acceptable.  "Dorky" kids think things are cool, and those things are different than what "popular" kids think is cool.  So cool is relative to your friends; therefore, cool = acceptable.  It's semantics, really - but the teens don't realize this.  They just need to survive.

I have to say that it has been my experience that most parents give their teenagers sage and wise advice.  Most parents inherently know their children, regardless of how much or how little they work, socialize, etc.  I have found that most parents feel frustrated and at their wits end because their teen girl isn't listening, and they are worried beyond belief for her well-being.

When you take point #1 into consideration, you understand why she's resisting.  When you take #2 into mind, you realize why her peers opinions are more important than yours.  

And really, when she's an adult those peers are going to be her colleagues in the office, her friends on the social scene.  Those peers will have children her children's ages and they will be at birthday parties and PTA meetings together as adults (especially in towns as small as those here in Butte County).

So when she's struggling in these relationships, not putting down appropriate boundaries, expressing herself constructively, and not listing to your advice, that's when I am able to come in.  I am another adult.  I have a laugh-y, joke-y demeanor that throws them off a little.  "Not another adult who thinks too highly of themselves, but rather can listen without judging me or telling me what to do!"  Yep.  I don't tell teenagers what to do to fix their lives.  I help them think through their options and I help them make the decision.

I teach them to think and make decisions in a healthy way so they don't alienate themselves from their friends or family.

I really love it when parents come into therapy with us.  When your teen is starting therapy she's talking like a teen, and you are accustomed to talking with them like kids.  So we work on that and she has a safe harbor to try some new techniques, while you learn too.  Later, we bring parents back in to do it again, now your teen has had a few months of learning, and she has some more skills to practice with you.  Practicing with you is easier and safer than practicing on friends - so it gives her confidence!  

I do love those teen girls!  Someday they will be women, amazing women, our peers and colleagues!  How wonderful and lucky are we to get to watch and be a part of them growing and evolving.  Little butterflies!  Little birdies learning to fly!

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Jessica Wilkerson also provides therapy to families, couples, individuals, children and teens.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

It kind of feels like... "Hey, I should already have respect from those kids!"  But you know those eye rolls, insolent answers and comments, and general lack of keeping their commitments all reeks of being disrespected.  You know they should respect you, but they sure haven't been acting like it lately.  What's up with that?

Just because you should receive that respectful behavior from them... doesn't mean you do.  And that's why you're reading this blog post, right?

It's so easy to get caught up in what our kids and teens should be doing.  But if we keep going around and around in those "shoulds" we'll never move forward - we need momentum and to propel those kids forward!  

Let's change the language from what they should be doing - to what they could be doing, or even what we'll teach them to be doing. 

This comes down to three things: relationship, modeling & expectations.  In this post, we'll focus on relationship.  We'll work out modeling and healthy expectations in the posts to follow.

Relationship.

Think back to your adolescence.  Who were your favorite, most respected school teachers?

The teachers who were burned out and always looking for the next kid to yell at, "Knock it off!"?
The teachers who were generally nice, went about their day, taught class, and just expected you to do the work and get a grade?
The teachers who knew you; who took time out to find out a few things about who you are, what you like, and then reference that when providing feedback on assignments?

My best bet: the teachers who you remember now that you're an adult is the teacher who knew and liked you for you, not for your grade, not for your popularity status, not for anything other that the fact that YOU were/are an amazing person and they saw that in you.  For those teachers you paid attention.  For those teachers you (gasp) studied!  You wanted to make them proud, and you wanted to prove them right!  You don't want to let them down by half-assed calling it in, no way!

Well, that is exactly the same for your teenager.

She's not the same girl she was in third grade when her favorite color was yellow and her favorite song was from Disney.  She isn't sure what her favorite color is, but she knows it's not yellow - heck no, yellow is the worse!  She isn't super sure what her favorite song is, there are so many good ones out there!  She used to talk your ear off in the car, and now she gives you one-word answers.

How do you have a relationship with that?  You've been trying!  She's just not giving you anything to work with!

Okay, then we have a starting place!  Don't do what you've been doing.  Stop it.  Right now.

The more you press her, the more she resents you being nosey.  She thinks you have an agenda.  Do you like it when someone is being nice to you in order to accomplish their agenda?  Okay, well that is how your dear, sweet angel is interpreting your questioning.

Offer pieces of yourself.  Show her how to open up by letting her know that you believe she is a safe person and a worthy person.  You aren't the same parent she knew when she was 8, either.  You were pretty infallible back then, and suddenly you don't have all the answers and you aren't the shining beacon of amazingness she once thought you were - I know, your imperfect humanity is becoming clearer - so now you get to show her how to be imperfect, respectfully.

Engage your teen in activities that you will both like, and with no ulterior motives.  So no bribing her: "If you go mini-golfing with me, then I'll let you go to the malt shop with your boyfriend."  Tell your teen how much fun you have with her and that you just can't wait until you get to go do this fun thing together.  IGNORE the eye rolling or complaints.  She has to do that.  Her ego can't admit how much she wants to be wanted by you, her ego wants independence.  

Engaging ideas that seem to work for me with my teen:

• Go to a movie, and then follow up with a meal or ice cream to talk about our favorite parts.
• Watch funny youtube videos together.  Later, during regular life interactions, reference the jokes and comedy.
• Brainstorm ideas for the upcoming weekend or school break.  It takes patience and a little coercion, but I've found saying "I don't want the whole weekend to be all about what I want to do, I want you to get to do some of the things you want to do, too."  Then if the suggestions from the teen are: "stay home and have quiet time in the bedroom and/or go visit friends."  A response that works for me is, "I totally get it, you're around people all the time at school, and you can't really hang out with your friends when you're there.  I really think you're a cool person and I like hanging out with you.  I'll feel much better about giving you your private time and your 'friend-time' if you and I get to do something fun together, too.  What do you suggest?"  Then he can trust that he'll get his needs met, and also help decide on what to do together.
• Play a video game with her - usually one from the 80s or early/mid 90s because those are the ones in my comfort and skill levels.  Tekken (button mashing) or tetris.

What are some of the things that your teen might be able to engage in with you?  Make sure the activity is something you will both enjoy - you can't build relationships with someone by doing something they hate.

I love hiking.  My son hates hiking.  When I'm in relationship building mode, I don't choose hiking. 

I do, however, make him go hiking with us as a family because teens also need to learn that they don't always get to do only the things they like to do.  It's much easier to get my teen to go hiking if I have invested in relationship building first!!

The point here is that when you build a relationship with your teenager they will be more invested  in maintaining your approval and maintaining harmony within the parent/child relationship.  They will be more able to take in your guidance in modeling, and they will want to reach your expectations.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Continued from: As Parents... (Part 2)  and  As Parents... It's Not All About Them: What Do WE Need to be Happy?  (Part 1)

Mission.

A family is not a business.  But in many ways the aspects of the business model is indeed incorporated into the family dynamic.  The parents could be considered the managerial staff: keeping the accounting books in the black, restocking supplies, general overview and running of the mill.  The children or teens; however, are not mere employees doing their due diligence to get the work cranked out.  Nothing would get done if we had those sorts of expectations!

Instead, I like to think of the parent/teen scenario as the parents being the dept. managers who are about to retire or be promoted, and they are training their teens to be their replacement. 

Offices sure do run better when the manager sticks around to train his replacement, rather than controlling every aspect until the last minute and then throwing the new guy on the job only half-ready or not at all.  There's a ripple effect affecting everyone in the business when things of that nature happen, and there's a similar effect when teens leave the nest without the proper training.

So how do we change our thinking from "I'm in charge, I'm the boss,and I say what goes" to a healthier vision of training our replacement?  It takes work and dedication.  But I'll give you a few tips.

If you go online and look up your favorite companies, on each business's website you'll find a Mission Statement.  A mission statement outlines the reason the business exists, it's goals and how it hopes to achieve them.

I'd like you to please take a moment to ask yourself, "What is the mission of my family?"  

It's okay if you have never thought about this before, you're thinking about it now.  This is a helpful tool to help get your family in sync.  It brings communication and closeness between all the members in the family.  Here's how:

• Gather the family and brainstorm a list of values, as many as you can think of!  Here's a starter set: Accountability, Commitment, Courage, Faith, Gratitude, Loyalty, Privacy, Promise Keeping, Respect, Responsibility, Self-restraint, Teamwork, Tradition.  There are many more, what are some that resonate with you and your family?
  
• Now that you have your list, ask everyone in the family to write down their top five values.  

• Let each person discuss why they chose each value - doing this as a round robin keeps the conversation going and avoids boredom and feeling lectured by the other family members.

• Pick between 4 and 6 values to incorporate in your mission statement.

• Write your statement using the values.  An example using a few values listed above would be: "In our family we value being respectful to one another, keeping our commitments, expressing gratitude, and remembering to walk in our faith.  We do this so we can enjoy our time together and be a positive influence on our friends and the world."
  

Now, consider writing a mission statement describing your family's identity (who you want to be) and purpose (what you want to achieve together).  Memorize it and review it regularly.  When needed, ask each other: "How does the decision we're making reflect our Mission?"

All the members of your family are invested in seeing it through, because all the members had a hand in creating it.  You are a family, you are a team.  

Support/Guidance.

It can be so easy to lose yourself in all your responsibilities as a parent.  To run around like a chicken with it's head cut off, or bury your head in the sand like an ostrich in fear.

Both of those analogies really creep up on you as life gets busier and busier, and the next thing you know you're in full throttle.  But you know what both of those examples have in common?  Isolation.  Neither of those feathered friends above are spending time getting refreshed by their peers.  

If you know about oxytocin, then you'll know that we were created to live in a loving connection with other people (and if you don't know about oxytocin: it's a hormone our bodies create to connect us to another person.  Primarily released during lactation & child birth to bond with the baby, and during orgasm with our lover - it keeps us longing for them when they are gone, and we are less likely to make love to another).  

You don't see many indigenous peoples living solitary lives, and they don't just create community in order to scare off predators or invaders.  Why is this?  As humans we long for community and relationship with our peers.  Research studies have shown that people survive heart attack surgeries most effectively when they have loving, supportive relationships in their lives - that people have healthier bodies, clearer minds, and an overall sense of joy when they connect to other adults in meaningful relationships.

If you are shy or nervous when going meet new people it can be helpful to tell yourself that you're doing it for your teen.

Having adult friendships helps you maintain seperateness and self-definition from your teen (mentioned in Part 2 of this series).  You are able to role model for your teen what healthy friendships look like (remember those teen years, some of those friendships were iffy).  If you are a single parent, it can occur that our children and teens can take on a friend or caregiver role to fulfill our need for friendship/companionship - having your own adult friends takes that burden from your teen (even if he's placed that responsibility upon himself under no influence from you).

When you have friends who have pre-teens, teens, or grown children they can give you perspectives you wouldn't have thought of on your own.  The cliche: it takes a village to raise a child - does not stop at the teen years.  

Plus, if your friends have teens you benefit two-fold: They might have anecdotes about the kids you haven't heard yet, so you get a little glimpse into who your teen is when you're not around.  Second, if you all spend time together at the same time (adults visit adults while teens visit teens) in the same home, you're still interacting with your teen while also getting the refreshing you so deeply need.  

This is a pivotal point that I think many, many parents overlook.  They think their martyrdom from social activities is proving they are devoted parents, but in the grand scheme of things better parents balance time at home and time with friends.

Boundaries.

Teens hear Who You Are more than they hear what you say.  They aren't looking for head knowledge, they want to learn through experience.  That means they are siphoning your verbal and non-verbal communication with them and with other people.  They are putting it in their gas tank to use later when they are with others or with you.

I'd like you to genuinely ask yourself: What are your priorities, and do you actually incorporate them into your life?  

Do you say your priority is your family, but then you work late most days?  Do you say that you value clean/sober living, but then laugh along with movies that have drug or alcohol abuse?  Do you say that you place a high importance on good grades, but the tv or radio is always on? 

Where does what you say and what you do connect and where do they separate?  

What happens when someone else in your life pushes your limit?  Do you give in?  Do you give in and gripe?  Are you politely firm when you decline?  

What happens when your teen breaks a rule?  Do you follow through with the consequence?  Do you give warning after warning with no follow through?  Do you come up with a consequence on the spot, then feel guilty for how harsh it was and renege later?

Whether it's a boundary in your family, work or social life, your teen is picking all of it up.  He's learning how far he can push you, and also he's learning how far to allow others to push him.  

When you exhibit healthy and appropriate boundaries, your teen will internalize those same boundaries.  You can know that when he's at school, work, or out with friends he won't be talked into doing something harmful, and you can also know he won't likely be as overly rebellious to seek out risky behaviors as he would be otherwise.

If you wonder if your boundaries are healthy and appropriate, may I suggest that you write a list of your boundaries and then talk to your friends, spouse or partner, or a therapist.  If someone suggests you might have too strong of a boundary, or too weak of one, you have a starting point to find out where the happy-medium lies.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Continued from: As Parents... It's Not All About Them: What Do WE Need to be Happy?  (Part 1)

Guilt.

I want to talk to you about guilt.  It's so ugly and destructive.  It tears down every piece of you.

When you parent from a place of guilt, you are also parenting from a place of powerlessness and unworthiness.  Have you ever met someone who operated from those spaces?  Maybe a coworker, boss, fellow student, or just an acquaintance when you took your child to the park?  What did you think of them?  Did their persona elicit respect, admiration, or love because they were so humble?  Guilt ≠ Humility.

It's easy to look back on our life and ruminate on the things we've done wrong, and it's even easier to beat ourselves up over parenting mistakes (some of those mistakes might be huge).  But this is important: Carrying the burden of guilt around does not make you a better parent.

This is your permission, from a psychotherapist, to release your guilt.

Guilt is your mind thinking about you.  How you feel about what happened.  How you impacted someone else negatively.  The guilt in your mind is pointing its finger at you, You, YOU (or me, Me, ME, however you read it).  

Guilt is self-centered.  Guilt says, "I did something wrong.  I am bad.  I am injured.  I need to be nurtured to heal."  So... I did something wrong works its way around to I need compassion.  It's all about the person who did the wrong and is carrying the guilt.  Guilt is greedy.  We both know from experience that effective parenting is anything but greedy or self-centeredness.

Remorse, on the other hand, is other-centered.  You mourn the other person.  You mourn what happened to them and what they experienced.  When you're feeling remorse over something that has happened to your child/teen, then you're also focusing on helping them heal.  With remorse you can grieve the thing that happened, and you can move on to repair the relationship. Remours says, "I did something wrong.  This person is hurting because of what happened.  How can I make this right and help them?"  Remorse moves you forward in your relationship, guilt keeps you stuck in a spiral of self-degradation.

So face up to it.  Know that you are human, humans are imperfect, and imperfections can run deep.  Apologize to your child/teen for what you caused and put the focus on how your beloved child feels (not how you feel).  And when you are forgiven - allow yourself to forgive you, too.

Compassion.

Full disclosure: as I write this, I have a 15 year old son.  I have a Master of Arts degree in Counseling Psychology, I provide psychotherapy and parenting skill-building for a living, and have a deep spiritual connection to God.

But just like you, I'm human.

And sometimes... my frustration gets the better of me.

From time to time, I'm tempted to ask my teen "WHAT were you thinking?" or, "I told you if you didn't start your homework earlier you wouldn't finish.  That bad grade is all your fault."   Those thoughts have been known to go through my head for a split second.  But what good would that do for my teen?  How would that prepare him for interacting with the world when he's an adult?  That would be my ego wanting control and acknowledgement, and his error is about him and not about me.  

As adults, how much do we need others to be there for us and to support us, even when we make a bad decision?  How much do we need our friends, family and partners?  Now, imagine being a teenager and needing that support equally or more.

There are enough "I told you so" people out in this world, our kids don't need those at home, too.

What influences a teen's ability to grow into a person who empathize with others is the amount of empathy and compassion he received when he made errors in judgement.  When he operated from his humanness.  

Connecting with the way it feels to mess up, let someone down, be let down, miscalculate a time schedule, feel unheard, be unable to articulate how you feel when you're feeling lousy - connecting with those feelings within you as a parent helps to stifle the "I told you so" button that you want to press when your teen didn't heed your sound advice and instead did it his way.  

Remember how powerless you felt when you were under everyone else's rules and expectations, and then something didn't go your way or you messed up.  It didn't feel good.

Compassion during times of tumult will not only keep peace in your home, but it will also draw your teen closer to you.  It makes you a safe person.  It makes you someone they can confide in when they are angry, sad or frustrated.  Teens feel resentful when the parent who was there for them as children is suddenly not as accessible because their expectations and reactions have shifted.  

As a parent, swallowing our pride and letting our teen own their misery, being there to listen and gently guide them into an appropriate response, and remembering not to take ownership over their mistake or their feelings goes a long way (miles long).

Self-Definition.

Your child is now a teen, and all the goals and aspirations you had for him are on the cusp of being attained.  It feels like he's at the ninth hour and it's make-it or break-it time.  If he can just maneuver his way through these last couple years, make good decisions, then it will be smooth sailing and all those dreams you had for him will come true.

But guess what.  You don't get to define your teen.  I know, it's so disappointing.  I'm there with you.  I remember tucking in the little guy at night and just imagining all the great things he could grow up to become.

And while, this isn't about my own son, but rather about that I can relate to those pulling, heart-breaking feelings when your teen resists and wants to do what he wants to do.  Dye his hair blue.  Quit track and field even though he's loved it all his life.  Play a lot more video games than you'd like him to play.  Yeah, those were not the images I had of him as a teen when he was 8 years old.

He gets to define himself.  He can be guided, and as parents we can (and should) put appropriate limits on the ways our teens choose to experiment with self-definition.  But we don't get to define our teenagers for them.

This portion of the article is not about defining our teens.  

It's about defining ourselves: as people (not as parents).  You get to define you.  Finally!

Who are you?  What do you stand for?  What are your non-negotiable values for this life?  What goals do you have and what are you doing to achieve them?

When you, as a parent and person, have a strong definition of who you are and what you stand for, your teen can see you as a cornerstone.  You can be the foundation that allows them to test the waters of their own identity.  They can trust that your "yes" means "yes" and your "no" means "no", and there is something very reassuring in knowing the ground beneath them is solid and holds their best interests.

When you have separated your self-definition from your teen's you can stand back and allow them to make mistakes without the need to rescue (who are you rescuing, them or yourself?).  You can respond appropriately without getting caught up in the teenage angst and drama.  You know that your identity and your ego is not threatened by their lapse in judgement.

You can have peace.  And best of all, you can provide peace.

This series continues:  As Parents... (Part 3)

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/