Anxiety in children can often take on the characteristics of other disorders and can be “misdiagnosed” by the people in the child’s life: parents, family members, teachers, etc.  This is because children don’t have the ability to conceptualize and articulate what’s going on intrapsychically for themselves. A child identifies, “I don’t feel good.” They don’t identify the sense of foreboding, or feeling of “waiting for the other shoe to drop.”  They can’t figure out why they feel this way, but they want the feeling to stop and they’ll do anything to make that happen.

To stop the anxiety they might refuse to participate in an activity.  They could seem keyed-up or restless. They might isolate themselves and fight their parent tooth and nail to keep from engaging in whatever the parent wants them to do (go to school, do homework, get dressed, leave the house, etc).  They might create little rituals that seem like OCD.

All these behaviors can be mistaken for ADHD, ODD, and OCD.  The child seems out of control.

But what’s really going on under the surface?

Has this child heard about or witnessed an event that may have put themselves or someone they love in jeopardy?  This can happen and then the child begins to worry excessively about it happening again. If a classmate is injured or a family friend goes to the hospital the child may have processed this event in such a way that he/she is worried that the event could occur again, and this time it will happen tragically in their own life.  This child might become clingy to a parent, have nightmares, be aggressive to peers or adults, create rituals, and/or have meltdowns. The common denominator here is that the child is trying to find a way to exert control in his/her life in order to keep themselves safe or keep a loved one safe. They are feeling scared and powerless over safety issues and so they do the only things they know how to do… and it’s not intellectual articulation of their fears.

Does this child have a concept in his/her mind that is hurtful and they are trying to cope and avoid the situation?  Let’s say this child has decided they have two left feet, and that they’re terrible at sports. Let’s say they’re average, neither good nor bad.  But every time it’s nearly P.E. they start getting a headache or a stomachache. Every time it’s recess they suddenly become engrossed in their drawing and they ask the teacher if they can stay in the classroom, and if the teacher has things to do and tells the child they must go outside then the child has a meltdown because they think they’ll have to be athletic on recess.

It might look like they are trying to get their way.  It might look manipulative. But these avoidance behaviors are an effort not to get to do a different thing or to have control over someone else, but they’re usually in response to something negative they’re telling themselves about engaging in situations.  Then, self-fulfilling prophecy kicks in - they go to the school nurse for their stomach ache during PE, they don’t keep practicing the sport during their P.E. class, the classmates improve their skill and camaraderie, and the child’s self-image of not being good at sports is reinforced.  So the following day, as it gets closer to P.E. his/her headache comes on sooner or stronger and they need to skip again.  
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Do you just let kids skip class subjects because of their anxiety?  It depends. Sometimes sitting with a tutor until the child’s sense of competence has elevated can be really helpful.  Sometimes discovering the maladaptive script the child is repeating in their mind and then providing contradictory statements to build confidence is what’s needed.  Sometimes having the child talk with a therapist can do wonders. Sometimes all three together can create synergy. Personally, I’d start wherever the child is the most comfortable - they might be too embarrassed for a tutor, but they’ll talk to you or talk to a therapist.  They might be more closed and unwilling to talk, but they’d sit with a tutor and learn while the tutor also points out how smart they are or how far they’ve come so they can start to look at themselves differently.

When engaging with a child who might have anxiety (or any of the other disorders) it’s important to maintain your sense of compassion.  This child didn’t ask for this. They didn’t look at a menu of behaviors or mental health issues and request it, even though it often FEELS like they’re being willfully defiant.  

They just know that they “don’t feel good.” and they are guessing at why - and usually they’re wrong, but they’re trying.  Find your own inner peace, try your hardest to be present and to ask and listen to what they need in that moment and find a way to compromise so they get their needs met, but still follow an amended request.  Ex: Your child doesn’t want to go to school, you ask why, they don’t know or won’t tell you, then you ask what they need. They say they need to stay home. That won’t work, you have a job to go to and it’s the law they go to school.  You are calm and relaxed and you say, “I hear you that it’s hard to be at school all day and you want to stay home. Unfortunately, I have to go to work and I can’t stay home with you - and you’re too little to stay home alone all day.  So is there something else you need to help you feel better about going to school?”  

This is where the child might make a request: different shoes, new pencils, cold lunch, to be picked up early, etc.  Then keep it in your mind that they aren’t asking for these things because they “just want them” but because somehow this request is intended to keep them safe from a perceived danger.  Work with your child on how to meet their need, and while doing so continue to assess and build them up in their self-efficacy.

Patience.   Breathing. Being present.  Compassion. 

Anxiety is hard for grownups.  Can you imagine being little and experiencing that big feeling?

For more information and a bulleted list of symptoms on Anxiety in children click here.

Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #104464

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Jessica Wilkerson works in Chico, California where she helps adults, teens and children learn to listen to their emotions and listen to their bodies so they can develop coping skills for their anxiety and flip it so the amount of joy in their lives exceeds anxiety.  In life there will be stressors, but how we cope with them determines our resilience and happiness in the long run.  To contact Jessica for an appointment please call/text her at (530) 994-5114 or email her at [email protected]

arent-teen relationships can be hard to navigate sometimes!

This is one of my favorite types of therapy to be a part of: helping parents and kids get on the same page.  We spend so much time with them and their cuteness while they're little and then they reach adolescence and they start pulling away.  It can feel surreal and a little heartbreaking sometimes.

No longer are we their best person who they want to come to for reassurance or a feeling of security - but we are "other" and they need to see how far they can push us away while still being a part of things.  Not all kids.  But many of them.

Here's the thing: it's not personal.

I mean, in some aspects it might be personal - you tend to tease them in front of their friends and they just don't want to be embarrassed on purpose anymore - but youth don't always know how to communicate that and still maintain their relationship.  They're new to this whole autonomny thing.  They don't know how to do it well.

Here's where I come in within the therapeutic process.

I meet with parent and child together.  We get on the same page and determine who my client is.  Usually it's the child/teen.  We figure out our goals - which since my client is the youth the goals are directed toward the youth's desires: learn how to talk so my parents will listen, become more independant, get along better with my friends, etc.  I ask the youth if it's okay if their parent can join us every three or four (or five) sessions so they can practice what we learn in session with someone who's safe and who would benefit from practicing with them.

Then we start sessions.  I get to know your teen/youth.  We talk about their friends, their parents and siblings.  We talk about what they want out of life or out of the weekend.  Through the casual conversation I pick up on various things in their story and ask more about it (why did you make that choice?  What did that make you think about yourself or about them?  How did you cope?) and then I ask what would happen if they tried it this other way?  Would the people around them respond differently if they said or did things from a different perspective?  If they would have taken a diffferent perspective would they have made different choices?

It's all part of a conversation that doesn't feel so clinical.  It's not like tv where we sit across from each otheer and I write on a pad of paper, psychoanalyzing them.  We go for walks or play Yahtzee. We might stay on the sofa/chair but curl up our legs and chat like friends would.  The teen/youth leaves feeling like she just talked to an aunt and not some professional lady who's going to tell her all the things she did wrong.

Then, during the session where parent comes in I wear my professional hat and help a dialogue take place.  My goal in that dialogue is two-fold: to focus on how the two people are communicating and to improve the relationship between them.  The teen's goal is usually to focus on the content of the conversation (Am I allowed to have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Can I stay the night at friends' houses, etc).  

The following session the teen/youth and I debrief about what went well and what could be improved upon.  We work on what they can do differently (because you can't change the people around you, you can only change yourself).  

And then the cycle begins again -  and hopefully with the next parent session the teen has another set of tools in their toolbelt and the relationship continues to evolve.  It's not a quick fix, but it's moving in the right direction toward healthy communication and relationship as your kiddo goes from child to teen to adult.

Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #104464
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Jessica works in Chico California helping individual adults and teens, couples, and families.  Whenever she's in session she's always thinking about the relationships this person has and how those relationships influence them and how they're influencing the relationships.  She's looking for the dance and looking to help her client navigate the ways they contribute to relationships and how they can change the song to one that's a little happier.

To contact her for an appointment send her an email at [email protected] or call/text (530) 994-5114.

I was talking to one of my girlfriends the other day and they were telling me about how they are not close to their sibling, but that they've never been close.  They and their sibling liked different things growing up, and their parents would rather have them play separately than listen to them bicker.  Consequently, she also said that the way she feels about her sibling today (in her mid-30's) is that they are like an acquaintance with a shared friend - but that friend is their mother.

Their parents were/are nice people.  They each worked.  They shared custody after divorce.  They re-married.  The kids didn't play any sports, weren't a part of any clubs, didn't really have many friends, and she doesn't remember anything unique or fun about her childhood, just as she doesn't remember anything terrible or abusive either.  Non-descript.  They just lived their lives day-by-day, and now she continues to exist.  She has one friend that she's semi-close to, and can't figure out why she has such a hard time making good, close friends.

By all accounts she was loved, cared for, given food and opportunity when she was young.

But the problem here was that this family just went along with the tide of life.  If the kids didn't initiate doing something, then nothing happened (and have you met very many kids who pursue extra-curriculars all on their own?).  

My friend never learned to "get along" with someone with whom she had a dispute.  If she didn't want to play with her sibling, she just didn't do it.  If she didn't like someone, she didn't have to learn how to work it out or talk through it.  She wasn't challenged to try new things - try a new club, try a new sport, take a chance and see what it's like to be surprised.

Parenting on Purpose means doing the hard work of looking forward into the future, deciding what character traits and goals you hope for your child, and then putting your best foot forward to implement the necessary steps today.

You want your child to have healthy relationships in the future - teach them to talk to you and negotiate with you.  Encourage them and create opportunities to do things they don't want to do (but they are safe) because their friend wants to try it - teach them to think through: is this safe, will someone get hurt, what happens if I like it, what happens if it turns out wrong, what is the value of my friendship with this person?

You want your child to go for their dream jobs someday - they need confidence!  Encourage your child to try out for teams now.  Let them feel what it's like to be rejected from the team, but it didn't "kill" them to be rejected.  Let them feel what it's like to be accepted to the team.  If they don't try for anything they won't know how to react in the future when putting themselves on the line is worth a job, promotion, spouse, etc.  This teaches them to be vulnerable to say what they want and go for it.  Teach them that.

Parent your child on purpose, don't just go with the breeze or the tide.  You'll be so happy you did (and so will your child when they're all grown up) - even if they're grumbling about it today (no child wants to take emotional risks, they'll resist, but you are their cornerstone, their grounder, their safety net - now is the time while they have you.  You know this, they don't, let their grumbling be heard but don't take it too much to heart.

It's quite often that a teen girl will experience feeling broken and powerless.  There are so many other people directing their lives (socially, scholastically, relationally) it's no wonder they go through these periods.  When this starts affecting their deepest relationships and the family it might be time to bring them to a therapist.  Why?  Read below.

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Teen girls can be sensitive and stubborn; happy and silly; sullen and sad.  Teen girls can be confident one minute, and then the next minute compare themselves to their friends or tv, and then feel fat, plain, or less-than.  Why are their emotions such a roller coaster!

There are many reasons for this phenomenon!  Changes in brain chemistry, changes in peer relationships, changes in opposite gender relationships, changes in hormones, changes in society's expectations of them, changes in their expectations of themselves, and changes in their roles in the home.

All these changes make for one very confusing identity for your girl.  "Who am I?" she asks.  "Who is she?!" you ask.  Who knows!?!?!

In this posting, I'd like to talk about teen girls and therapy - and how all this relates to their identity and these changes.

In previous posts I've talked about how your child and teen look to you to role model healthy boundaries and respect.  You are their main focus for these traits, but you're not their only role model.  They are watching their friends (who are watching their own parents, and also watching your daughter) - sounds like that 7 Degrees of Kevin Bacon game a little, doesn't it!  Ha!

So your daughter is getting cues from her friends.  They tell her their opinions on other people - and then she inadvertently sizes herself up against those people.  They tell her their opinions about her and about themselves.  They are bonding and learning (and comparing).

Unfortunately, teen girls often evaluate themselves inaccurately - and whatever script she has learned from the women in her life, she will repeat.  

EXAMPLES:
If she has not learned to accept a compliment she will not know how to allow others to feed her positive identity traits.  

• "You look pretty today."  "No, I don't, I hate this dress."  -  
  
• "You look pretty today."  "Thanks, but my teacher is being a jerk today."  
  
• - or - she could learn the healthy response:  "You look pretty today."  "Thank you!"
  

If she has learned to identify who she is with what she has done she will not be able to fail gracefully.

• "That's not how that task was supposed to be done."  This is interpreted as: "I can't do anything right, I'm not even going to try, I'm worthless!"
  
• "That dress is too short, and you will look easy if you go out wearing it" This becomes:  "I'm trashy!"
  
• "You could have used a coupon to buy that item for less." She believes: "I'm bad with money!"
  
• THE WORSE ONE: "Let's go see a therapist."  Turns into: "I'm broken!"
  

I could go on, but I'm sure you get the point.  That last one is the one I want to look at closer:
"Let's go see a therapist."  "I'm broken!"

Therapy does not mean you're broken.  Therapy is like taking another class in school.  You're learning new skills, new ways to look at things, new ways to talk to yourself and to talk to other people so you have better relationships and better days in general.

Your teen girl doesn't always understand this, and no amount of talking will help her understand it.  However, if you role model for her, if she has your support and your shoulder to lean on (literally) she'll feel less broken and feel more open.  I encourage parents to attend therapy with their teen for the first month.  That's three or four sessions together where the goal of therapy is to improve the parent/child relationship.  We primarily focus on healthy communication.  We focus on the relationship - not the individuals.  It's the relationship that needs to heal, and not necessarily the people.

Guess what happens when you start this - the people heal in ways they didn't even realize they needed healing!

Your daughter starts to feel heard and valued.  You didn't pawn her off on a therapist because she's broken and needs to be fixed.  You joined with her, you showed your imperfection, you became vulnerable with her, you are a team.  After a few weeks together your relationship is a little stronger and your daughter is ready to go deep with me as her therapist.  Therapy is normalized, she feels safe, she can talk about what is happening with her friends and we can work together to improve her skills with herself and other people.

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Jessica Wilkerson also provides therapy to families, couples, individuals, children and teens.
To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at [email protected].  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Tell me, would you rather learn the consequence of procrastinating turning in a book report while you are in elementary or high school - or - would you rather experience the consequence of procrastinating a project at work as an adult, supporting a family?

Would you rather experience the consequence of getting kicked off a sports team in high school because you didn't keep your grade up or because you made a bad choice with a friend (stealing, cheating, bullying) - or - would you rather reap the consequence of similar behaviors when you're adult and you can lose a job or stand in front of a judge as an adult?

Let's look at these varying consequences:

• Not turning in a paper earns you an F for the paper or the class.  Maybe you have to repeat the class next year.  Maybe you're not allowed to try out for sports teams.  Maybe your parent grounds you or takes away your video games/cell phone.  
  

• Not turning in a project at work can get you demoted, written up, or fired.  You can't pay your bills.  You move back into your parents house.  
  

In either scenario, you learn the lesson to respect deadlines, right?  But which consequence would you rather to teach you that lesson?

WHEN WE ARE INCONSISTENT WITH OUR CHILDREN & TEENS WE ARE ROBBING THEM OF THE "EASIER" CONSEQUENCE.

Repeating a class is easier than losing your job, right?  Being kicked off a sports team is easier than jail, right?

So, when your child or teenager is rolling their eyes, trying to negotiate with you to get out of their consequence, asking you to cover for them when they failed to plan - just keep these scenarios in mind.  You won't be there when they are adults, they need to learn these lessons while you are still there to be their safety net and to help their egos navigate the consequences of their actions.

I have always felt that when parenting it's best (and easiest for me) to start with the least harsh consequence that works to change the behavior.  If you start out with guns blazing you'll have no where to go when the child/teen tests to see if you're bluffing.  If the easier consequence doesn't work, you can always go a little more strict until you've found something that works.

Some people just want to be the "nice parent" or the "buddy parent" - but consequences are part of boundaries, and they are a part of life.  Teaching your child to respect herself and respect others will go a very long way when she's responsible for navigating the big world all on her own someday.  Boundaries and consequences are one way a child/teen gauges "if you love them and are willing to do what it takes to keep them safe" - they don't act like it, and they certainly won't act like they appreciate it right now, but down in their subconscious they feel a sense of relief that they don't have to negotiate this world alone, and they know they need someone to help outline the boundary lines and teach cause & effect.

Grounded in their bedroom with the soft, comfy bed & personal belongings is so much nicer than being grounded in a jail cell, or grounded by demotions or job losses.  But that's just my perspective, and it's what keeps me strong when I have to deal with the natural insolence of the teenager who I love.

You can follow up with this topic in the article titled Boundaries in Parenting.
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Jessica Wilkerson also provides therapy to families, couples, individuals, children and teens.
To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at [email protected].  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

There's this buzz word out in the world called BOUNDARIES.

What does that even mean?  You know you should have them.  You think you probably don't.  You hear the word "boundaries" and you think that it must be a measuring stick that you should be living up to, and that others are judging you by.

Let's demystify boundaries when it comes to parenting.

Boundaries are the gauge by which you allow people permission in your life.  Basically, how you let other people treat you, and how you treat other people.

THERE ARE TWO PARTS TO THIS.

ONE.

When it comes to children and teens, it's even bigger.  They are engaging with their peers and teachers in school, so they have first hand experience trying to figure out how to treat other people and how others treat them (peers & authority figures).  They look everywhere for the measuring stick: television, other peers, and most importantly their parents.

Your child or teen looks to their parent for permission on what is socially acceptable and responsible.  When your child was little you could say the words and tell them how to behave and what to allow.  Then, when your child grew and became a teen they stopped paying so much attention to your words, but they start paying attention to your actions.

What do you let their other parent get away with in their relationship with you?  What do you let their siblings get away with?  How do your friends treat you, and do you put a stop to things when your friends are being impolite or do you allow their indiscretions?    In what ways do you allow your teen to talk or behave in your relationship?  

What are YOUR boundaries with all the relationships in your life?


This is what your pre-teen and teenager is evaluating when they decide how to treat you and how to treat their friends.  

TWO.
 
Safety.  Kids and teens know that you are their protector.  They know that you have it all figured out (even when we're really just humans who don't have it all figured out).

If you are a consistent parent who says "no" to certain and specific things regularly, they can feel safe to know that a) this is something that is not acceptable, and b) they can try to persuade you to give-in, and if you give in then they know that you really mean it's okay this time - since you've been so consistently honorable with your "no" in the past.  It makes your teen feel safe to know that  you really thought this through and decided it is safe and okay - and they can rest in the knowledge that it's safe and okay - they are safe and okay.

If you have been inconsistent in the past with "no," "yes," and "maybe," they don't really know what is safe and okay, what is negotiable because it's is a power issue, what is negotiable because you haven't thought it through yet, and what isn't safe.  There are no fences in the world to keep the bad guys out, and the good guys in.  There's no definition, and very little trust.

It would make sense that they would act disrespectfully when they don't know where the boundaries are, how can they respect what they don't know or trust?

As their negotiating skills improve, as their button pushing improves, they start to realize that there is an imbalance of power in the relationship - and they have the lion's share.  Teens have never had this kind of power before, nobody has taught them to wield it wisely.

Teens learn to grow up with healthy relationships because someone loved them enough to tell them "no" and allowed them to suffer the consequences while they were still young enough that the consequence wasn't too hard.  I talk more about consequences in another blog post.

In the meantime, what are a few ways that your child or teenager invades your boundaries?
What are some relationships in your life where you need better boundaries, and your child/teen has witnessed other people treating you poorly, and you've allowed it.

Now, what is one boundary issue that you would like to resolve with your teen?  Just one!  Rome wasn't built in a day, boundaries are hard and it hurts when you make changes like this - too many too soon won't stick.  

Pick one boundary and focus on improving that over the next few weeks.  Then, re-read this blog post to refresh yourself and start on another boundary.  Put it on your calendar, schedule yourself to re-read the post and work on your 2nd issue.  

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Jessica Wilkerson also provides therapy to families, couples, individuals, children and teens.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at [email protected].  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Oh, the teen girls!  I love them.  Once upon a time, I was a teen girl... now, I'm a grown up woman with all these years of college learning in psychology and years of providing therapy to girls and their families.  But, I can still tap into that teen girl brain and emotions that once lived in this body when I need a reminder of those conflicts and feelings.

It's such a dichotomy in that brain.  "My parents are sooooo smothering!  They don't let me do anything!"  and also, "My parents don't even care about me.  Nothing I do is right, they don't pay attention to me unless I'm messing up."

No matter how much positive encouragement you give your teen girl, some girls will only notice when you reprimand them or give them instructions.

Why is this?  Well, there are several reasons.

1)  You are the parent.  You are "the system" or "the man."  It's the time in their lives where they are taking big courageous breathes to leave the nest and fly solo.  If they take every piece of valid and good advice you give them, then they fear they don't have what it takes to leave.  No one is as smart is mom or dad.  When they get good and valid advice from outside adults (even if it's the same advice) they know that when they are on their own they can still find answers to their questions without your help.  Is your teen's delivery of this information to you given in a mature and articulate manner, or by rolling their eyes and slamming their bedroom door?  Probably the latter, they aren't super mature and articulate - no matter how smart or sweet they are in general.

2)  Friends.  Peer groups.  As adults, we have them.  We generally socialize with people in the general vicinity to our ages.  Our people skills are as developed as the people we spend time with.  Your teen girl has friends who tell her what's cool and what's not cool.  They tell her if the boy she likes is cool or not cool.  They tell her what opinion she just stated is cool or not cool.  And really, for teen girls cool = socially acceptable.  "Dorky" kids think things are cool, and those things are different than what "popular" kids think is cool.  So cool is relative to your friends; therefore, cool = acceptable.  It's semantics, really - but the teens don't realize this.  They just need to survive.

I have to say that it has been my experience that most parents give their teenagers sage and wise advice.  Most parents inherently know their children, regardless of how much or how little they work, socialize, etc.  I have found that most parents feel frustrated and at their wits end because their teen girl isn't listening, and they are worried beyond belief for her well-being.

When you take point #1 into consideration, you understand why she's resisting.  When you take #2 into mind, you realize why her peers opinions are more important than yours.  

And really, when she's an adult those peers are going to be her colleagues in the office, her friends on the social scene.  Those peers will have children her children's ages and they will be at birthday parties and PTA meetings together as adults (especially in towns as small as those here in Butte County).

So when she's struggling in these relationships, not putting down appropriate boundaries, expressing herself constructively, and not listing to your advice, that's when I am able to come in.  I am another adult.  I have a laugh-y, joke-y demeanor that throws them off a little.  "Not another adult who thinks too highly of themselves, but rather can listen without judging me or telling me what to do!"  Yep.  I don't tell teenagers what to do to fix their lives.  I help them think through their options and I help them make the decision.

I teach them to think and make decisions in a healthy way so they don't alienate themselves from their friends or family.

I really love it when parents come into therapy with us.  When your teen is starting therapy she's talking like a teen, and you are accustomed to talking with them like kids.  So we work on that and she has a safe harbor to try some new techniques, while you learn too.  Later, we bring parents back in to do it again, now your teen has had a few months of learning, and she has some more skills to practice with you.  Practicing with you is easier and safer than practicing on friends - so it gives her confidence!  

I do love those teen girls!  Someday they will be women, amazing women, our peers and colleagues!  How wonderful and lucky are we to get to watch and be a part of them growing and evolving.  Little butterflies!  Little birdies learning to fly!

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Jessica Wilkerson also provides therapy to families, couples, individuals, children and teens.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at [email protected].  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Tuesday evenings 6:00-7:30 pm, now through June 24.  Chico Creek Counseling.

Beginning next week, I'm offering a 7 week group for parents of adolescents.  If you have a pre-teen or teenager and your relationship with him/her has been affected by their new sets of behaviors.  Is this happening:  One minute they are sweet talking you like when they were little, the next minute they're screaming at you that you don't know anything and you're so unfair?

Has there been a change in your teenager's life: divorce of parents, changing of schools, changing of friends, the new freedom of having a driver's license or job, drama with friends.

And have you noticed these changes have also created changes in your home life. It's affecting your teen, but it's also contributing to confusion and hurt feelings by the rest of the family, and you've been trying your best to figure things out and smooth them over.

You are NOT alone!

I have provided therapy to many, many junior high and high school kids.  I have provided a lot of family therapy: the parents, the child(ren), me, and the sofa.  It seems that so many similar themes play out in families during this time of restructuring.  Every family I work with is very unique, and yet still struggling in similar ways.

I've created a 6 week program to talk about topics that I see as reoccurring themes to help parents know what is in their power.  Where to give leeway, where to hold firm, and develop a little more understanding about what is going on in that teen brain!

The group is $25 per session.  However, because for me this group is more about helping families.  Helping teens by helping their parents.  Helping fellow parents keep their serenity.  Because I'm passionate for families, I'm not doing this group to grow rich in money, but rich in love and satisfaction of helping others.  The first parent in the family who attends pays $25, but the second parent is only $10 (plus, the first session you attend is free!)  

Parent can also be a grandparent or caregiver struggling with the behaviors in the home, and looking to be a support system for the family.

Please call or text (530) 921-5122 or email [email protected] to register.

Class schedule is as follows:

5/13 - What is going on in that brain?!?!  Discussion about the changes in the teen brain & how it
           affects behavior.
5/20 - Where did I go wrong?  No one is perfect all the time.  How guilt influences the way we
           parent, & how to shed guilt.
5/27 - Expectations.  Parent expectations, tween/teen expectations - where is the balance? 
6/3 -   Boundaries with Teens.  Where do you draw your line, and how do you hold to it?
6/10 - A Family on a Mission.  How to bring cohesion to your family so everyone is on track &
           going the same direction. 
6/17 - Does it sometimes feel like your family is in chaos?  Learn strategies & techniques for
           holding a family meeting and getting your teen invested in the rules & the decisions made
          during that meeting.
6/24 - Conversation Hour.  No particular topic.  What is the nagging thing that is still lingering in 
           your family, and you want to talk about with Jessica and with a few other parents.  
           Let's just sit, chat, and troubleshoot!

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at [email protected].  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

"This teenager is old enough to know better."  "My teen should be able to do x, y, z, and they should be able to do it right the first time!"

You're right.  They probably are.  

You know your kids.

But there are a few things you might not know.  In a previous blog I discuss brain pruning. During the second dozen years of life (age 12-24) the brain is going through a full re-model (think of remodeling your house, but switch it out for a brain).   The teen brain is literally killing brain cells that the brain thinks might not be very necessary for the future in order to make room for new learning.  You'll have a teenager who is given an instruction to do a certain chore - a chore they've done a hundred times before, and suddenly they don't know how.  They only get half the steps right, and leave the other half incomplete.  When asked why they didn't do the chore up to snuff, they shrug and say they forgot.

They really did forget.  They aren't putting you on or blowing you off.

It's infuriating!  You know they know how to do it.  Grrrrrrr...  But they don't.  Their brain pruned it.  

You'll need to role model patience and compassion, and show them the steps to the task again.  Give your teenager the option of trying the task again and doing it the way you just showed them, or they can choose to experience a logical consequence.  They might give you a little lip about not wanting to do the chore over, but you were polite and compassionate, and you even gave them the option not to finish... while experiencing a consequence.  The principle here is they get to make that choice, and once the choice is made you can feel good about the outcome.

Sometimes as parents we get confused.  We have expectations that can be so variable.  We expect them to behave responsibly and act like mini-adults.  Then we expect them to obey us unwaveringly like they are children.  We expect them to voice their opinion, but we also expect them to go along with our directions.  

We expect them to spend quality time with the family.
We expect them to attend to their studies.
We expect them to get part time jobs.
We expect them to join sports.
We expect them to engage in youth group at church.
We expect them to have healthy social lives.
We expect them to help with chores around the house.
We expect them to be personable and pleasant to be around.
We expect them to love us like they did when they were little.
We expect them to have adult conversations with us about their life, feelings, friends, etc.
We expect them to drop everything and do what we need them to get done, when we need it done.

Then, their teachers have a set of expectations.  Their friends have a set of expectations.  Their bosses & coworkers have a set of expectations.  Their coaches have a set of expectations.  
So on, and so forth.

Oh goodness, I'm exhausted! No wonder teenagers rebel!  Who can live under all those expectations!  Who can live up to that?  Plus they have new emotions and goals that weren't there before, and they have to balance these with everyone else's expectation of what they should do and who they should be.

Have you read the blog about Gaining Respect from your Teen through Relationship Building?  This is where that strategy comes in so importantly.  When you have built that relationship and you have that foundation, you both have more compassion and empathy for one another.  Your teen is invested in rising to the level to meet some of these expectations, and you can see that some of these expectations are just too lofty and need to be lowered.

It would be wonderful if you could think of your expectations for your teen.  Make your list, then try to add five more expectations.  You likely have hidden expectations that you don't even realize are there.  Add five to your list.  You can do it, I believe in you!

Pick out the top few expectations that are non-negotiable.  Then look at a few that you could maybe lower.  When you show someone a bit of flexibility, they feel heard, understood, and valued.  

Have a discussion with your teen about the exercise you just did.  Ask them if this is an accurate reflection, or if they have any more expectations they feel they are living up to - and then talk about it.  How can you help them sculpt their day and week to live up to the non-negotiables while also satisfying everything else they have on their plate and providing some relaxation time to decompress.

I surely hope this posting has given you a bit of insight for your teen.  I know that you love him/her.  You wouldn't be reading this if you weren't an amazing parent who just wants to do right by your child and have a happy home life.  So much of this is happening under the surface and we have been operating the best we know how; but now, you have a few more tools in your tool belt.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at [email protected].  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

I really love teenagers.  They are so creative and funny!  If you want to have fun and laugh, just spend some time with a teen.  The weight of the world has never felt their shoulders.  

Sometimes though, raising one can be a bit more difficult than just spending a couple hours giggling... but you know this, or you wouldn't have googled and found this blog.

Ugggggg... if your teenager rolls her eyes at you one more time.... or says, "I knooooow" when you give an instruction - well, you might just find out if gypsies really do buy kids.  Sorry, all the folklore talks about is that they buy little ones - even the gypsies know better than to buy teenagers!  You're stuck with 'em!

That's okay, teens are actually really amazing people to know!  I don't know one single teen who doesn't add to the joy and wisdom of my life. 

Yes, raising one can be quite a different experience sometimes.  I know.  I have a 15 year old.  I love him to pieces, every last atom in his body has my heart.  But even as a psychotherapist who engages in the strategies I write here, there are those moments when I wish the gypsies had a 1-800 number.

I say that in jest, because I want you to know that I understand those feelings of loving someone so much, and also feeling alienated from them in certain ways.  But the work you put in right now will pay huge dividends now and when they are grown and have flown the nest.

Listen carefully, this is important:  Your teen learns how to respect you by the way that you respect them.

In my practice, I so often hear: "I'm the adult and what I say goes."  That's true, but how are you saying it?
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This is a lengthy blog, and there are a lot of parent traps and the strategies to help in the body of this post below.  But I want to take a moment to tell you that YOU ARE AN AMAZING PARENT.  Do you know why I'm saying this?  Because you are trying.  You are googling.  You are reading.  You are seeking help.  You are engaged.  You are not just sitting back, complaining and expecting things to change.  You are here!  I admire and respect you for being here.  So, if you feel convicted in the bullet points below, I just want you to know that there is hope.
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Here are some unhealthy role modeling traps that parents fall into, and then don't understand why their teens are so disrespectful to them daily:

• Yelling across the house.  You're in one room, your spouse, teen, or child is in another room, and instead of getting up and walking into that room to tell them something you yell and expect them to not only hear you, but also accommodate you by stopping what they are doing to follow your instruction, now.

• Wanting it done, now.  When you're in the middle of something, can you just stop your task and divert your attention?  Cooking dinner, and switch gears immediately.  Folding clothes, and switch gears immediately.  Watching a tv show or reading a book, and switch gears now.  No?  Well, when you tell your teen to drop everything to do something that's just as difficult and insulting for them.  

• Telling them what to do and how to do it, without asking for input.  If your spouse, employer, or parent asks you for a favor and they want you to do it a certain way - but you might have a suggestion or thought on a better or different way to do the task, you want them to hear you out.  Parents often mis-think that they have the only right way to do something and they take it as a power struggle when their teen wants to do it differently.

• Power struggles.  Power struggles will happen, it's natural.  But they don't need to happen as often as they probably are.  "What I say goes, end of discussion"  or  "Because I'm the adult and I said so."  Sometimes you have to set down your foot, and when the power struggles are at a minimum in the home, these statements can sometimes work - but when that's the regular verbiage, you can kiss their effectiveness goodbye.

• You engage in those same annoying behaviors.  You roll your eyes.  You use sarcasm with your partner or kids when you're annoyed or frustrated.  You gossip about your teen or spouse to your friends when you're frustrated (while you're in hearing distance from the other members of your family).  You call names "You're such a brat."  "You're such a prima donna."  

Do you see any of these parenting traps happening in your family?  Do you hear yourself or your partner in any of these examples?  Before you read on, I would like you to take a moment to reflect on a time or two when this has happened in your home.

....

So now what?  I'll just go ahead and address the behavior patterns to engage in by addressing each of the parent traps according to their number listed above:

• Get uncomfortable.  You don't want your teenager shouting across the classroom to her friends.  You don't want to listen to your kids shouting to each other across the room, or shouting to you.  It's rude.  Just because we just sat down after a long day of work, doesn't mean that we have different rules of etiquette.  In fact, if we want our children or teens to talk to us with respect, we need to walk into the room they are in, make sure we have their attention and they are looking at us before we speak, and then tell them what it is we need from them.  No talking to the back of their head while they are on their phone or computer, wait the few minutes they need to pause what they are doing, and then speak.  You can start by saying, "I need you to pause what you're doing and listen to me, I have something quick to tell you."  And then wait for them to give you their attention.
  

• Wait.  We want and need them to wait for us before we can give them our attention.  We need others to wait for us to finish our task before we can switch gears and help them with their request.  We need to exhibit that same patience to our kids and teens.  It's okay to give them an appropriate time limit.  "You have three to five minutes to wrap up what you're doing and put your task on pause, I have a very important thing I need you to do and it needs to be done now."  Asking them to drop everything is a rude behavior that you don't want them expecting from you, from their friends, or from their teachers.  Just because we are the parent doesn't give us the right to be dictators.
  

• Get input.  It is the mission of the teen brain to come up with better ways to do things than their parents.  It's part of growing up and differentiating from us, the parental adults.  They aren't just looking for an easy way to get out of something (okay, sometimes they are) - but they are looking at ways to improve your method.  Use this to your advantage!  If it looks like they're looking for an easy-out, engage them in conversation.  "Why do you want to do it that way?"  "What will you do if it doesn't work out this way?"
  

• Refuse the power struggle.  You don't need to engage in coercion if they are refusing to obey a house rule.  Offer the option to enjoy the privileges that come from honoring the rules, or experience the logical consequence.  No bantering back and forth about it.  This might sound like the "because I'm the parent and I said so" example I stated as a parent trap power struggle.  However, usually when that phrase is uttered there's not the conversation of option: Option #1, enjoying privileges, or Option #2 experiencing consequence.  The ball is in their court, and you were polite and respectful when you reminded them of their options.

• Be self-aware.   Some of these annoying behaviors teenagers pick up from their friends and school peers.  But, some of these behaviors they learned from you.  Think of the body language your teen does that you abhor.  Really start paying attention to see how often you do those things.  You might have even picked it up from your teen, but that doesn't matter.  What matters is that you are the one teaching them how to argue, how to ask for things, how to handle disappointment, frustration, etc. - if you are rolling your eyes or turning and walking away during an argument, then you are responsible for showing your teen how to change behavior.

And lastly, have a sincere and honest conversation.  Tell your teenager that you have been struggling lately because you really feel like he/she has been really disrespectful.  That you noticed they do these certain things and you need to see the behaviors change.  

Then, ask your teen what things you do that makes them feel disrespected.  Hear them.  Take it in, even if you disagree.  Tell your teen that you will work hard to be self-aware and to work on these things, too.  You're in it together, you're a team, you might just need a few tweaks or you might have a long road.

Self yourself up for success.  Pick one thing to focus on and change at a time.  Rome wasn't built in a day.  Keep building the relationship (see the previous post titled Gaining Respect from Teens through Relationship Building), and focus on ONE of the bulleted points until you and your teen have developed a bit of mastery, and then move on to the next bullet together.

You will build a closer bond while also building respect and trust.

You've got this!!!

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at [email protected].  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/