"What do you mean, 'owning our choices?' Of course I own my choices!"

Here's the thing, the way we talk to ourselves and to other people can often lead us astray from authenticity and lead us to the same ol' path toward the self-preservation of using our mask.  We mostly do it to protect ourselves from ourselves.

What do I mean by that?

Well, we are humans and in our humanity we can tend to make bad choices.  In that humanity we can tend to be judgmental.  We can easily end up judging ourselves and then subconsciously fear others will judge us with that same standard (or worse).

So we bend the truth:

• "I didn't have time to get that done." = We had time.  We were burned out or tired, so we watched TV instead.  

• "I didn't realize the deadline was on this date." = We likely knew it was that date and if we didn't we were capable of reaching out and confirming the deadline.  We thought we could find flexibility, we have a difficulty with time management, or we were dreading it so we procrastinated and ran out of time.

• "Yes, I'll go to that event with you." or "Yes, I'll do that favor for you." = We wanted to say no, but couldn't think of a good reason not to do it, so we said yes.  Now we're going through the motions of the thing we said yes to, but we're doing it half-heartedly or with a resentful heart.

None of those examples are showing us in our best and most authentic light.  Most of the time we believe what we're saying while we're saying it.  We want to.  We need to.  If we felt we were lying then we'd feel too convicted, ouch. Right in the heart.  There's some truth to whatever it is we just said... so we say it and let it go.

But what if it looked like this instead:

• "I'm sorry, I didn't get it done.  I've been feeling really burned out lately and I just really needed to refresh so I could be at my best.  I plan on tackling it first thing on Monday."

• "I wasn't able to make the deadline, and I apologize.  I need one more day to finish, is that okay?"
  

• "That event sounds amazing, but I'm going to have to skip it this time." or "I feel for you that you need help with that thing (favor), but I just can't do it right now."

In none of those examples did we have to over-explain ourselves or bend the truth.  We owned it.

With the last bullet point where the person said yes to an event or favor but went about it half-heartedly or with some resentment I gave the bulleted example of saying no, but there are some times where saying yes is appropriate.  They've gone out of their way for you in the past or they're truly in need and while you don't really want to you know it's the right thing to do to say yes.  In that instance let your yes mean yes.

If you tell someone yes - then do it full-heartedly and without resentment.  You said yes.  It's not their fault that you made the choice to go with them when you weren't feeling it.  If you made the choice to say yes, then also make the choice to enjoy yourself.  Make the choice to pull yourself out of whatever mood you're in and try to find the good in the situation.  Is there a song playing you love and you can bop along to?  Is there a friend there that you usually enjoy seeing?  Are you going to be blessing someone with this favor and it feels good to pay it forward?  You chose to say yes to the friend and/or the event/favor - so then also choose to say yes to putting your best foot forward.  

Own your yes.

Yes is a choice.

No is a choice.

Own each one of those.

Let your yes mean yes, and your no mean no.  Own it.  Don't say one and mean the other, and then make the people around you pay the price for your inability to be authentic.

Let that sink in.  Marinate on it.  Hear yourself when you're bending the truth or using the wrong yes/no.  Let yourself have grace from judgment and just keep working on being real.  Being true to yourself and thereby true to others.

You'll be surprised at how much people respect this quality it the people around them.  It makes you trustworthy.  People respect trustworthy.

I feel like "Authentic" is the newest buzz word for the field of psychotherapy - but you know what: It's about darn time!

What is being authentic?  It means knowing your limits and being transparent about them.  It means not making excuses to get out of something, but standing with your own two feet and saying no.  It means portraying who you really are, rather than fitting a mold of who you or others think you should be.  We don't always "know who we are" in the way that we think monks would hope we do, but at any given moment in time we can say we know how we feel and what we want in that moment; and I'd say that's pretty much close enough.  If we can truly own those feelings and desires then we can be authentic.

Sometimes it's easier to describe what it looks like NOT to be authentic, because well frankly, it's our human nature to see a description and try to fit into it and identify with the positive traits.  When we are shown the other side of things and identify with that we are also able to see where we have growing to work through.

Examples:

• If your friend asks you to babysit her kids and you don't feel like it, but you don't have any other plans - and you feel guilty about saying no, so you say yes and then feel irritated with yourself or resentful toward the friend: that's not being authentic.  If you make up an excuse to get out of it, you lie: that's not being authentic.  ​ On the contrary, if you say, "I'd love to help you, but I just don't have it in me to watch children today." or  "I'm sorry, but I can't." that's being honest and authentic.  Those are true statements and you don't have to feel guilty for not doing someone a favor that will cause you to harbor ill feelings about yourself or your friend.

• You say "yes" when you mean maybe or no.  Your spouse asks to go on an outing, but it just doesn't sound fun at all.  But you don't want to hurt her/his feelings, so you smile and say, "let's go!"  But the whole time you just want to be home.  If you can't say no when you mean no or if you can't say, "maybe, let me think about it." when you're not sure - and you jump to people pleasing: you're not being authentic.  On the contrary, if you say, "Babe, that sounds like something you'd love and I'd probably enjoy on a different day - but today I'm just not feeling it.  Can we stay home or is there something else that sounds good to you to do today?"  That's being authentic. 

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• Are you allowed to give yourself praise?  Are you allowed to own your flaws and work on them?  I ask this because many people feel like they're being overly prideful or arrogant by praising themselves, so they take a false humility and use that to arm themselves from internal or external perception of egoism.  Some people also have difficulty admitting flaws because they fear that they'll be labeled or judged as flawed - so they take a defensive stance to others and to themselves, constantly justifying why they just did this or that.  How exhausting!  Neither of those are authentic.  On the contrary, REAL & AUTHENTIC people are both flawed and deserve praise.  It's okay to say, "I'm amazing and I did a great job!" and it's okay to say, "woah, I really messed up, big time." without the "but" (but, so-and-so didn't do their part, etc).

• Do you wait for your significant other to know what you need "because I shouldn't have to tell them, they should know by now."  With your marriage vows neither of you were bestowed the ability to mind read - and your marriage vows didn't include "I vow to vigilantly be on the lookout to meet your need before you state it."  Waiting for someone else to do something isn't being authentic, but stating your need or want is - even if sometimes your spouse should know that thing.

Why would you want to be authentic?  Because it's freeing! It's liberating!  It feels really, really good.

You get to just be you without all that guilt or pressure to be or do otherwise. 

Are you still tactful and diplomatic?  Yes. Absolutely!

Do you still find compromises with your spouse and friends sometimes?  Of course, you're not selfish.  You don't just turn everything down because you don't want to do it, but you're honest about not wanting to go and you find a way both people can make a situation work.

Do you know how to be honest about what you want or need, and don't feel ashamed to cover up what you're going through?  Yep!

Do you end up feeling like the people in your life know and like the real you - not the "if they only knew the real me..." version of you? They do, and you know they do, and there's TRUE JOY in the knowledge that people like the real you - warts and all.

Learning to be authentic is scary and takes time.  But each time you're authentic and it goes better than expected you build a little reserve of confidence, making the next authentic experiment easier.  It snowballs over time and gets easier and easier and easier.  Until one day, you encounter someone inauthentic and you have no patience for it.  You realize that you've been operating with honesty with yourself and others for so long without realizing it that someone else's inauthenticity is frustrating and intolerable.

And then you realize you need to work on the character trait of grace: "there, by the grace of God, go I."  You were there once upon a time, so giving them a little grace for their journey will go a long way in your heart.