I have a tendency to dig right in.

I have to force myself to remember to engage in the expected pleasentries of hello, how are you, how has your day been so far?  This is because by the time my client has shown up to my office I've already been thinking about him/her - how about I just say "you" instead of the politically correct pronouns.

I've been thinking about you. 

I get up in the morning, take my shower, drink my coffee, drop my children off to their respective places, and drive into work.  I listen to the radio while I drive in, but that's mostly background noise.  I think about the people I get to see today.  Their stories come back to me and I start wondering how they've been this week based on how they left my office the previous week.

By the time you arrive, I've already started our conversation hours ago, and I'm ready to jump right in.  But quite often, I'll catch myself, and I'll say the hello first...

I think existing clients become accustomed to my genuine interest in hearing about their experiences and my deeper digging, "so then how did that make you feel about yourself afterwards?"  But newer clients always have longer pauses and their expressions a little more awkward, as if to say, "hold the reigns there cowgirl, we've just met!"

Here's the thing I think new clients need to know - therapists love this stuff!

Licensed therapists have either a master's or doctorate degree in psychology or social work.  They invested 6-10 years of schooling and then 2-10 years of internship before taking rigorous exams to obtain their license.  They incurred enormous debt as a financial investment.  All-the-while knowing that this is not a highly lucrative field.  This is because they see the best in the world and they want to help fix people's hearts and their relationships.  They went though all that time because they want to spend their lives increasing the joy in this world and mitigating the sorrow.  They are the types of people who look at someone's pain and want to stand next to them, helping them to get through it.  

So think of it this way, if you over-disclose in "real life" it might be a problem and there might be judgement.  You should and do need to go slowly with friendships, disclosing as you build trust.  New relationships are a time where you're both showing the other person how trustworthy, judgemental, forgiving, open-minded, etc you each are.  You're finding the balance of disclosure - how much is too much vs how much is just right.

In therapy, we are unique individuals who already had a knack for digging deep, wanting to understand, and with big ol' hearts for helping others.  

I had a person once tell me, "You're going to see inside my soul!"

Wow!  That's deep!  That's heavy.

And I think the scary thing for that person isn't that I'll see in their soul, but that I'll peer in there and see their brokenness, see what's wrong with them, decide they're irredemable, and reject or judge them.  That would certainly be a heavy secret to keep.

But let me reassure you, when I'm digging deep I'm looking for the places that shine - for what's beautiful.  I'm looking for the broken pieces and seeing if I can find every last shard so I can help you put it back together.  It might not look like it did before it broke (your heart or you), but it will be a new masterpiece.  

People have these wounds they carry around for fear others will see their pain and exacerbate it with negativity, so they hold onto it tight.  Then I come around with my cheerful demeanor and ask to take a look.  I don't believe I'll see the things you fear down there.  I won't see monsters.  I'll see what happened during your foundational experiences that hurt you, and the behaviors you've been engaging in as a way to protect you from those original things.  I'm looking for ways to help you save yourself.

So the next time you're in therapy and whomever your therapist might be asks you a question that you think will turn them off from you forever, dig deep and answer it anyway.  It might give them the exact road map they need to help you find your new masterpiece and put together the pain so it's not something you need to carry with you any longer.

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Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT 104464
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Jessica lives and works in Chico California where she helps teens, adults, and couples battle through trauma and relationships to find a more joy filled, balanced, and healthier life.  You can reach out to her for an appointment by phone/text at (530) 994-5114 or by email at [email protected]

I feel like "Authentic" is the newest buzz word for the field of psychotherapy - but you know what: It's about darn time!

What is being authentic?  It means knowing your limits and being transparent about them.  It means not making excuses to get out of something, but standing with your own two feet and saying no.  It means portraying who you really are, rather than fitting a mold of who you or others think you should be.  We don't always "know who we are" in the way that we think monks would hope we do, but at any given moment in time we can say we know how we feel and what we want in that moment; and I'd say that's pretty much close enough.  If we can truly own those feelings and desires then we can be authentic.

Sometimes it's easier to describe what it looks like NOT to be authentic, because well frankly, it's our human nature to see a description and try to fit into it and identify with the positive traits.  When we are shown the other side of things and identify with that we are also able to see where we have growing to work through.

Examples:

• If your friend asks you to babysit her kids and you don't feel like it, but you don't have any other plans - and you feel guilty about saying no, so you say yes and then feel irritated with yourself or resentful toward the friend: that's not being authentic.  If you make up an excuse to get out of it, you lie: that's not being authentic.  ​ On the contrary, if you say, "I'd love to help you, but I just don't have it in me to watch children today." or  "I'm sorry, but I can't." that's being honest and authentic.  Those are true statements and you don't have to feel guilty for not doing someone a favor that will cause you to harbor ill feelings about yourself or your friend.

• You say "yes" when you mean maybe or no.  Your spouse asks to go on an outing, but it just doesn't sound fun at all.  But you don't want to hurt her/his feelings, so you smile and say, "let's go!"  But the whole time you just want to be home.  If you can't say no when you mean no or if you can't say, "maybe, let me think about it." when you're not sure - and you jump to people pleasing: you're not being authentic.  On the contrary, if you say, "Babe, that sounds like something you'd love and I'd probably enjoy on a different day - but today I'm just not feeling it.  Can we stay home or is there something else that sounds good to you to do today?"  That's being authentic. 

​

• Are you allowed to give yourself praise?  Are you allowed to own your flaws and work on them?  I ask this because many people feel like they're being overly prideful or arrogant by praising themselves, so they take a false humility and use that to arm themselves from internal or external perception of egoism.  Some people also have difficulty admitting flaws because they fear that they'll be labeled or judged as flawed - so they take a defensive stance to others and to themselves, constantly justifying why they just did this or that.  How exhausting!  Neither of those are authentic.  On the contrary, REAL & AUTHENTIC people are both flawed and deserve praise.  It's okay to say, "I'm amazing and I did a great job!" and it's okay to say, "woah, I really messed up, big time." without the "but" (but, so-and-so didn't do their part, etc).

• Do you wait for your significant other to know what you need "because I shouldn't have to tell them, they should know by now."  With your marriage vows neither of you were bestowed the ability to mind read - and your marriage vows didn't include "I vow to vigilantly be on the lookout to meet your need before you state it."  Waiting for someone else to do something isn't being authentic, but stating your need or want is - even if sometimes your spouse should know that thing.

Why would you want to be authentic?  Because it's freeing! It's liberating!  It feels really, really good.

You get to just be you without all that guilt or pressure to be or do otherwise. 

Are you still tactful and diplomatic?  Yes. Absolutely!

Do you still find compromises with your spouse and friends sometimes?  Of course, you're not selfish.  You don't just turn everything down because you don't want to do it, but you're honest about not wanting to go and you find a way both people can make a situation work.

Do you know how to be honest about what you want or need, and don't feel ashamed to cover up what you're going through?  Yep!

Do you end up feeling like the people in your life know and like the real you - not the "if they only knew the real me..." version of you? They do, and you know they do, and there's TRUE JOY in the knowledge that people like the real you - warts and all.

Learning to be authentic is scary and takes time.  But each time you're authentic and it goes better than expected you build a little reserve of confidence, making the next authentic experiment easier.  It snowballs over time and gets easier and easier and easier.  Until one day, you encounter someone inauthentic and you have no patience for it.  You realize that you've been operating with honesty with yourself and others for so long without realizing it that someone else's inauthenticity is frustrating and intolerable.

And then you realize you need to work on the character trait of grace: "there, by the grace of God, go I."  You were there once upon a time, so giving them a little grace for their journey will go a long way in your heart.

Jessica Wilkerson also provides therapy to families, couples, individuals, children and teens.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at [email protected].  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/