Sometimes we get into a rut of thinking that if we acknowledge something then the other person might believe that we are approving or authorizing that thing.  What do I mean by that?  What type of relationship does this affect?

It affects all the relationships: friendship, romantic, parent, family, you-name-it.

Here's an example, your friend has been going out and socializing regularly.  You start to notice that it's more often than it used to be and that it's starting to effect various aspects of their life.  You also notice that the people they're spending time with have changed and these people don't hold the same value system that your friend usually holds.  If you acknowledge the situation you're afraid that your friend will either feel judged by you or that you think it's okay.  Neither outcome is desired, so you keep it to yourself and watch your friend while feeling powerless to do anything.

But that's not true.  Those aren't the only options.

You can acknowledge many aspects of this without approving of the behavior.  Your friend feeling judged is 50% how you steward the conversation and 50% their inner dialogue on how they interpret the conversation (from what lense are they viewing this conversation).

• Friend, I can see that you've been really enjoying yourself lately!  I love how you've been so spontaneous and it seems like there's a new side of you that's really having fun.  It's great!  I would like to acknowledge that I've also noticed that some of the priorities you've had in the past aren't priorities anymore and I'm wondering what's going on for you.  
• Friend, I just want to check in with you.  I've noticed that you've been drinking more often than usual, how are things going?
• Spouse, I know those have been your friends for a long time, but I don't like the way you talk to me when they're around.   I'm not asking you to stop spending time with them, but I don't approve of the changes that happen in your personality with you are around them and around me at the same time.

​You can acknowledge something without approving of it - and if you acknowledge it well then your half of the conversation road is going to be as smooth as possible.  The other person might have a painful history that's triggered and they don't  respond well.  If that happens, you can stand firm in the knowledge that you were authentic, you tried to be kind in your delivery, and that you gave the other person the opportunity to know what was on your heart.

Most people will respond with curiosity, a little defensiveness, and kindness in response.  This can be an opportunity to grow your relationship in a positive way.  If the conversation goes well then trust is built.  If the two individuals come to a solution together then that teamwork brings them close again.  The ability to be vulnerable and safe can be huge for both people in these scenarios:
confiding your disapproval is vulnerable - hearing someone acknowledge their disapproval is vulnerable.  The two of you are potentially wearing your hearts on your sleeve, and when you're safe with each other it can blossom the relationship.

But even if the person is triggered or if you delivered your message all wrong - there's still opportunity to repair that rift, make the relationship whole, and continue knowing that you were honest about your worry and that you didn't sit back and do nothing.  You tried because this person is important to you and they are worth the risk.

Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #104464

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Jessica Wilkerson works in Chico, California helping individuals, couples, and families learn how to communicate safely and effectively with a desire to heal wounds and grow bonds through processing past and current pain.  Jessica believes in the power of honesty and authenticity in healthy relationships and works hard to help her clients influence their lives positively through communication with others and with themselves.

You can contact Jessica for an appointment by calling/texting her at (530) 994-5114 or emailing her at [email protected].

I have a tendency to dig right in.

I have to force myself to remember to engage in the expected pleasentries of hello, how are you, how has your day been so far?  This is because by the time my client has shown up to my office I've already been thinking about him/her - how about I just say "you" instead of the politically correct pronouns.

I've been thinking about you. 

I get up in the morning, take my shower, drink my coffee, drop my children off to their respective places, and drive into work.  I listen to the radio while I drive in, but that's mostly background noise.  I think about the people I get to see today.  Their stories come back to me and I start wondering how they've been this week based on how they left my office the previous week.

By the time you arrive, I've already started our conversation hours ago, and I'm ready to jump right in.  But quite often, I'll catch myself, and I'll say the hello first...

I think existing clients become accustomed to my genuine interest in hearing about their experiences and my deeper digging, "so then how did that make you feel about yourself afterwards?"  But newer clients always have longer pauses and their expressions a little more awkward, as if to say, "hold the reigns there cowgirl, we've just met!"

Here's the thing I think new clients need to know - therapists love this stuff!

Licensed therapists have either a master's or doctorate degree in psychology or social work.  They invested 6-10 years of schooling and then 2-10 years of internship before taking rigorous exams to obtain their license.  They incurred enormous debt as a financial investment.  All-the-while knowing that this is not a highly lucrative field.  This is because they see the best in the world and they want to help fix people's hearts and their relationships.  They went though all that time because they want to spend their lives increasing the joy in this world and mitigating the sorrow.  They are the types of people who look at someone's pain and want to stand next to them, helping them to get through it.  

So think of it this way, if you over-disclose in "real life" it might be a problem and there might be judgement.  You should and do need to go slowly with friendships, disclosing as you build trust.  New relationships are a time where you're both showing the other person how trustworthy, judgemental, forgiving, open-minded, etc you each are.  You're finding the balance of disclosure - how much is too much vs how much is just right.

In therapy, we are unique individuals who already had a knack for digging deep, wanting to understand, and with big ol' hearts for helping others.  

I had a person once tell me, "You're going to see inside my soul!"

Wow!  That's deep!  That's heavy.

And I think the scary thing for that person isn't that I'll see in their soul, but that I'll peer in there and see their brokenness, see what's wrong with them, decide they're irredemable, and reject or judge them.  That would certainly be a heavy secret to keep.

But let me reassure you, when I'm digging deep I'm looking for the places that shine - for what's beautiful.  I'm looking for the broken pieces and seeing if I can find every last shard so I can help you put it back together.  It might not look like it did before it broke (your heart or you), but it will be a new masterpiece.  

People have these wounds they carry around for fear others will see their pain and exacerbate it with negativity, so they hold onto it tight.  Then I come around with my cheerful demeanor and ask to take a look.  I don't believe I'll see the things you fear down there.  I won't see monsters.  I'll see what happened during your foundational experiences that hurt you, and the behaviors you've been engaging in as a way to protect you from those original things.  I'm looking for ways to help you save yourself.

So the next time you're in therapy and whomever your therapist might be asks you a question that you think will turn them off from you forever, dig deep and answer it anyway.  It might give them the exact road map they need to help you find your new masterpiece and put together the pain so it's not something you need to carry with you any longer.

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Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT 104464
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Jessica lives and works in Chico California where she helps teens, adults, and couples battle through trauma and relationships to find a more joy filled, balanced, and healthier life.  You can reach out to her for an appointment by phone/text at (530) 994-5114 or by email at [email protected]

This is a term I usually hear from folks who believe that saying exactly what they think and feel is the most authentic way to be in the world.  However, I think that’s a cop out.  I think there’s a radical honesty that’s not being addressed – the internal, psychological world of the individual.

Radical honesty: “Yes, those pants make your butt look big.”
                             “You have halitosis.”
                             “I’d like to have sex with you, no strings attached.”
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There’s a bravery in this because the person is risking rejection and judgement from the people with whom they’re interacting.  But there’s also an inner voice that reinforces this behavior by saying, “clearly, these people are weak if they can’t handle your honesty.” And “you’re just being honest.”
But the person strategizing radical honesty is often less honest with themselves because they’re not saying, “what you just said hurt that person and it didn’t actually do anything to create meaningful or healthy change in their life or in your relationship with them.” 

What I like to try to understand is why did this person decided Radical Honesty was the way to go?  How have they been hurting lately?  Have there been recent relationship ruptures that have created this coping mechanism?  Because that’s what it really is, a coping mechanism.

If you’re on the receiving end of being in a relationship with someone engaging in hurtful statements with the excuse of “just being honest” then I suggest responding to them by saying, “that was really hurtful, was it necessary?”  We can be honest and also have tact and diplomacy.  If you’ve tried this a few times and it’s not working, then having healthy boundaries and letting them know that this is a stressful relationship and if the way they interact with you doesn’t change to include kindness within their honesty then you don’t have the energy to continue engaging.  They can choose how to respond to that and if they choose honesty without diplomacy then they’re choosing not to have that relationship.  They made the choice, their pain’s lie of Radical Honesty is false – you are not weak for refusing to engage in it, you are strong for standing up for yourself and for expecting balance.

If this article has triggered something in you because you’ve been Radically Honest lately and you can’t figure out how you’re hurting other people.  You genuinely don’t think you’ve been hurtful, but you also do see that the people in your life have been pushing back against the Radical Honesty – then maybe it’s time to talk with someone unbiased.  Someone who can go over those interactions with you and see if the other person was being overly sensitive or if you were more insensitive that necessary, and learn how to find the balance to be honest while maintaining the important relationships in your life.  It’s possible.  It can actually bring you closer and heal relationships when you’re honest with tact.

If want an appointment to talk about Radical Honesty in your life, please feel free to contact me at (530) 994-5114 or email me at [email protected]