It's a global pandemic right now and it feels like that's all anyone wants to talk about on the news, on the radio, on tv, and in person.  But then you have all the various memes telling you to enjoy yourself, go on walks, read books, do yoga.  Then there are the guilt inducing memes about how fabulous it is to have the extra time with your kids to engage in arts and crafts.

And the self-care tips.

Ughhhhhh... all the self-care tips!

Here's a self-care tip: Do it.

That thing you're wanting to do.  Do it.

• Are you feeling like vegging out watching reality tv and eating Doritos?  Go for it.
• Do you want to throw away everything in your garage because you're sick of the clutter? That mess isn't sparking joy?  I think the dump is still open, Home Depot rents pickup trucks for about $20, and you probably have some sort of disinfecting agent to wipe down what you touch in public - throw it all out if you want.
• Are the people in your house being fed?  Do they get an adequate amount of your attention most of the time?  Can they hear the word "no" and still survive?  Ok.

You don't have to be superparent and you don't have to be superspouse.  Just because you're single doesn't mean you need to organize your closets.

You're fine just the way you are.

I'm a therapist and I'm already burned out on how everyone is creating all this hype about how to get through a pandemic the "right way."  There's no right way, people.

Don't neglect your children if you have them, but you don't need to make them the end-all, be-all of all the moments of your days either.  They can have a balance of your attention sometimes and being bored other times (so long as they're safe and sound).  You get to have a balance of being with your kids, enjoying them, and also doing what you need to do for you (which isn't necessarily dishes - unless you're like me and love listening to podcasts when you clean and really the only time you get to listen to podcasts is when you clean... so your house is often a mess because who has time for a podcast with all these kids and while working remotely during a pandemic?)

I'm on the pulse of the therapy meme universe, and I'm getting a little riled up about it, so I wanted to make a post telling people not to buy what those memes are selling.  You don't need strangers who make images adding guilt into your life - they don't know you and they definitely don't deserve space in your mind or your heart.  You've got this!

Written by Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #104464

Owner and clinicial supervisor of Inspired Life Counseling in Chico CA.

You can set an appointment with here by going to this page.

 Sometimes we get into a rut of thinking that if we acknowledge something then the other person might believe that we are approving or authorizing that thing.  What do I mean by that?  What type of relationship does this affect?

It affects all the relationships: friendship, romantic, parent, family, you-name-it.

Here's an example, your friend has been going out and socializing regularly.  You start to notice that it's more often than it used to be and that it's starting to effect various aspects of their life.  You also notice that the people they're spending time with have changed and these people don't hold the same value system that your friend usually holds.  If you acknowledge the situation you're afraid that your friend will either feel judged by you or that you think it's okay.  Neither outcome is desired, so you keep it to yourself and watch your friend while feeling powerless to do anything.

But that's not true.  Those aren't the only options.

You can acknowledge many aspects of this without approving of the behavior.  Your friend feeling judged is 50% how you steward the conversation and 50% their inner dialogue on how they interpret the conversation (from what lense are they viewing this conversation).

• Friend, I can see that you've been really enjoying yourself lately!  I love how you've been so spontaneous and it seems like there's a new side of you that's really having fun.  It's great!  I would like to acknowledge that I've also noticed that some of the priorities you've had in the past aren't priorities anymore and I'm wondering what's going on for you.  
• Friend, I just want to check in with you.  I've noticed that you've been drinking more often than usual, how are things going?
• Spouse, I know those have been your friends for a long time, but I don't like the way you talk to me when they're around.   I'm not asking you to stop spending time with them, but I don't approve of the changes that happen in your personality with you are around them and around me at the same time.

​You can acknowledge something without approving of it - and if you acknowledge it well then your half of the conversation road is going to be as smooth as possible.  The other person might have a painful history that's triggered and they don't  respond well.  If that happens, you can stand firm in the knowledge that you were authentic, you tried to be kind in your delivery, and that you gave the other person the opportunity to know what was on your heart.

Most people will respond with curiosity, a little defensiveness, and kindness in response.  This can be an opportunity to grow your relationship in a positive way.  If the conversation goes well then trust is built.  If the two individuals come to a solution together then that teamwork brings them close again.  The ability to be vulnerable and safe can be huge for both people in these scenarios:
confiding your disapproval is vulnerable - hearing someone acknowledge their disapproval is vulnerable.  The two of you are potentially wearing your hearts on your sleeve, and when you're safe with each other it can blossom the relationship.

But even if the person is triggered or if you delivered your message all wrong - there's still opportunity to repair that rift, make the relationship whole, and continue knowing that you were honest about your worry and that you didn't sit back and do nothing.  You tried because this person is important to you and they are worth the risk.

Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #104464

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Jessica Wilkerson works in Chico, California helping individuals, couples, and families learn how to communicate safely and effectively with a desire to heal wounds and grow bonds through processing past and current pain.  Jessica believes in the power of honesty and authenticity in healthy relationships and works hard to help her clients influence their lives positively through communication with others and with themselves.

You can contact Jessica for an appointment by calling/texting her at (530) 994-5114 or emailing her at jdw@jessicawilkerson.com.

I've heard people say, "I just want to feel normal!"

​What is "Normal" anyway?

Normal is different for everyone.  It's either the way you usually feel, except for right now - or - it's the way you perceive everyone around you is feeling, and it's different from how you're feeling.

Let's look at this:

How you usually feel could be optimistic, peaceful, exuberant, or any number of positive traits, but lately you've been feeling otherwise.  You're not sure how to get back to your "old self," or if you even can.  Either way, you don't like the change that has taken place in your life and you're longing for positive change.

The other option is that you've always felt like you're kind of an Eyore (or Tigger or Piglet, etc) and you so deeply want to shed that aspect about yourself that you feel like the people without that Eyore quality are normal and you're flawed.  You want to change.

There are a few choices here.

• You can see that the world isn't so black and white.  This could be a really wonderful version of you and you can learn to accept it and make peace with the new you.  You can learn to accept that your Eyore, Tigger, or Piglet qualities are there to stay and dig deep to find the beautiful qualities of those archetypes.  
• You can list all the things you do well and that are positive about you and work on sculpting those so these positive things that already exist can shine even brighter.  You might be especially bouncy like Tigger, but you're also very creative and fabulous at brainstorming - so you join a mindbank and help others come up with solutions.

You can do both ideas listed above at the same time:

You can see that there are just things about who you are that you might not like; but are harmless, and you can accept them.  You're loud and your boundless energy can be felt from across the room.  The way people always notice you makes you feel uncomfortable or weird.  No matter how much you try to temper that energy or noise you always accidently realize that at some point your volume increased on it's own.  Okay.  That's doable.  That's not something that hurts other people's feelings unless you're gossiping or criticizing someone at that volume.  You might just need to accept that instead of striving to "be normal" like everyone else, this is YOUR NORMAL - and that's okay.

Once you've identified your "new normals" and you want to work toward accepting them it's important to start highlighting the areas you already love about yourself and work on cultivating them more deeply.  Do you have a heart to try new things - even if your life has been so busy you don't get to try new things that often - now you're going to focus on this inquisitive and brave heart of yours.  You sign up for dance lessons or skydiving, you go on a spontateous road trip.

Then, when you're in the action of doing the existing character trait really be present in it, soak it in.  Go over it afterward either mentally with yourself or by talking about it with someone.  Reinforce this really neat thing about who you are.  As you do this, the things that are your "new normal" will become more and more palatable, and eventually will just be part of the colorful tapestry that is you.

No longer will you be wishing to "go back to normal" or wishing that you "were normal like everyone else."  From then on, you'll see that your normal is a pretty great thing that brings a lot of joy to your life and to your heart.  

Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT

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Jessica Wilkerson is a LIcensed Marriage and Family Therapist who works in Chico California.  She provides EMDR for trauma processing and EFT for couples therapy.  She has a radio show that airs weekly on Christian Talk Radio KKXX.net & 103.9 FM.  Jessica has a heart to help people discover joy.

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Tuesday evenings 6:00-7:30 pm, now through June 24.  Chico Creek Counseling.

Beginning next week, I'm offering a 7 week group for parents of adolescents.  If you have a pre-teen or teenager and your relationship with him/her has been affected by their new sets of behaviors.  Is this happening:  One minute they are sweet talking you like when they were little, the next minute they're screaming at you that you don't know anything and you're so unfair?

Has there been a change in your teenager's life: divorce of parents, changing of schools, changing of friends, the new freedom of having a driver's license or job, drama with friends.

And have you noticed these changes have also created changes in your home life. It's affecting your teen, but it's also contributing to confusion and hurt feelings by the rest of the family, and you've been trying your best to figure things out and smooth them over.

You are NOT alone!

I have provided therapy to many, many junior high and high school kids.  I have provided a lot of family therapy: the parents, the child(ren), me, and the sofa.  It seems that so many similar themes play out in families during this time of restructuring.  Every family I work with is very unique, and yet still struggling in similar ways.

I've created a 6 week program to talk about topics that I see as reoccurring themes to help parents know what is in their power.  Where to give leeway, where to hold firm, and develop a little more understanding about what is going on in that teen brain!

The group is $25 per session.  However, because for me this group is more about helping families.  Helping teens by helping their parents.  Helping fellow parents keep their serenity.  Because I'm passionate for families, I'm not doing this group to grow rich in money, but rich in love and satisfaction of helping others.  The first parent in the family who attends pays $25, but the second parent is only $10 (plus, the first session you attend is free!)  

Parent can also be a grandparent or caregiver struggling with the behaviors in the home, and looking to be a support system for the family.

Please call or text (530) 921-5122 or email jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com to register.

Class schedule is as follows:

5/13 - What is going on in that brain?!?!  Discussion about the changes in the teen brain & how it
           affects behavior.
5/20 - Where did I go wrong?  No one is perfect all the time.  How guilt influences the way we
           parent, & how to shed guilt.
5/27 - Expectations.  Parent expectations, tween/teen expectations - where is the balance? 
6/3 -   Boundaries with Teens.  Where do you draw your line, and how do you hold to it?
6/10 - A Family on a Mission.  How to bring cohesion to your family so everyone is on track &
           going the same direction. 
6/17 - Does it sometimes feel like your family is in chaos?  Learn strategies & techniques for
           holding a family meeting and getting your teen invested in the rules & the decisions made
          during that meeting.
6/24 - Conversation Hour.  No particular topic.  What is the nagging thing that is still lingering in 
           your family, and you want to talk about with Jessica and with a few other parents.  
           Let's just sit, chat, and troubleshoot!

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

"This teenager is old enough to know better."  "My teen should be able to do x, y, z, and they should be able to do it right the first time!"

You're right.  They probably are.  

You know your kids.

But there are a few things you might not know.  In a previous blog I discuss brain pruning. During the second dozen years of life (age 12-24) the brain is going through a full re-model (think of remodeling your house, but switch it out for a brain).   The teen brain is literally killing brain cells that the brain thinks might not be very necessary for the future in order to make room for new learning.  You'll have a teenager who is given an instruction to do a certain chore - a chore they've done a hundred times before, and suddenly they don't know how.  They only get half the steps right, and leave the other half incomplete.  When asked why they didn't do the chore up to snuff, they shrug and say they forgot.

They really did forget.  They aren't putting you on or blowing you off.

It's infuriating!  You know they know how to do it.  Grrrrrrr...  But they don't.  Their brain pruned it.  

You'll need to role model patience and compassion, and show them the steps to the task again.  Give your teenager the option of trying the task again and doing it the way you just showed them, or they can choose to experience a logical consequence.  They might give you a little lip about not wanting to do the chore over, but you were polite and compassionate, and you even gave them the option not to finish... while experiencing a consequence.  The principle here is they get to make that choice, and once the choice is made you can feel good about the outcome.

Sometimes as parents we get confused.  We have expectations that can be so variable.  We expect them to behave responsibly and act like mini-adults.  Then we expect them to obey us unwaveringly like they are children.  We expect them to voice their opinion, but we also expect them to go along with our directions.  

We expect them to spend quality time with the family.
We expect them to attend to their studies.
We expect them to get part time jobs.
We expect them to join sports.
We expect them to engage in youth group at church.
We expect them to have healthy social lives.
We expect them to help with chores around the house.
We expect them to be personable and pleasant to be around.
We expect them to love us like they did when they were little.
We expect them to have adult conversations with us about their life, feelings, friends, etc.
We expect them to drop everything and do what we need them to get done, when we need it done.

Then, their teachers have a set of expectations.  Their friends have a set of expectations.  Their bosses & coworkers have a set of expectations.  Their coaches have a set of expectations.  
So on, and so forth.

Oh goodness, I'm exhausted! No wonder teenagers rebel!  Who can live under all those expectations!  Who can live up to that?  Plus they have new emotions and goals that weren't there before, and they have to balance these with everyone else's expectation of what they should do and who they should be.

Have you read the blog about Gaining Respect from your Teen through Relationship Building?  This is where that strategy comes in so importantly.  When you have built that relationship and you have that foundation, you both have more compassion and empathy for one another.  Your teen is invested in rising to the level to meet some of these expectations, and you can see that some of these expectations are just too lofty and need to be lowered.

It would be wonderful if you could think of your expectations for your teen.  Make your list, then try to add five more expectations.  You likely have hidden expectations that you don't even realize are there.  Add five to your list.  You can do it, I believe in you!

Pick out the top few expectations that are non-negotiable.  Then look at a few that you could maybe lower.  When you show someone a bit of flexibility, they feel heard, understood, and valued.  

Have a discussion with your teen about the exercise you just did.  Ask them if this is an accurate reflection, or if they have any more expectations they feel they are living up to - and then talk about it.  How can you help them sculpt their day and week to live up to the non-negotiables while also satisfying everything else they have on their plate and providing some relaxation time to decompress.

I surely hope this posting has given you a bit of insight for your teen.  I know that you love him/her.  You wouldn't be reading this if you weren't an amazing parent who just wants to do right by your child and have a happy home life.  So much of this is happening under the surface and we have been operating the best we know how; but now, you have a few more tools in your tool belt.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

It kind of feels like... "Hey, I should already have respect from those kids!"  But you know those eye rolls, insolent answers and comments, and general lack of keeping their commitments all reeks of being disrespected.  You know they should respect you, but they sure haven't been acting like it lately.  What's up with that?

Just because you should receive that respectful behavior from them... doesn't mean you do.  And that's why you're reading this blog post, right?

It's so easy to get caught up in what our kids and teens should be doing.  But if we keep going around and around in those "shoulds" we'll never move forward - we need momentum and to propel those kids forward!  

Let's change the language from what they should be doing - to what they could be doing, or even what we'll teach them to be doing. 

This comes down to three things: relationship, modeling & expectations.  In this post, we'll focus on relationship.  We'll work out modeling and healthy expectations in the posts to follow.

Relationship.

Think back to your adolescence.  Who were your favorite, most respected school teachers?

The teachers who were burned out and always looking for the next kid to yell at, "Knock it off!"?
The teachers who were generally nice, went about their day, taught class, and just expected you to do the work and get a grade?
The teachers who knew you; who took time out to find out a few things about who you are, what you like, and then reference that when providing feedback on assignments?

My best bet: the teachers who you remember now that you're an adult is the teacher who knew and liked you for you, not for your grade, not for your popularity status, not for anything other that the fact that YOU were/are an amazing person and they saw that in you.  For those teachers you paid attention.  For those teachers you (gasp) studied!  You wanted to make them proud, and you wanted to prove them right!  You don't want to let them down by half-assed calling it in, no way!

Well, that is exactly the same for your teenager.

She's not the same girl she was in third grade when her favorite color was yellow and her favorite song was from Disney.  She isn't sure what her favorite color is, but she knows it's not yellow - heck no, yellow is the worse!  She isn't super sure what her favorite song is, there are so many good ones out there!  She used to talk your ear off in the car, and now she gives you one-word answers.

How do you have a relationship with that?  You've been trying!  She's just not giving you anything to work with!

Okay, then we have a starting place!  Don't do what you've been doing.  Stop it.  Right now.

The more you press her, the more she resents you being nosey.  She thinks you have an agenda.  Do you like it when someone is being nice to you in order to accomplish their agenda?  Okay, well that is how your dear, sweet angel is interpreting your questioning.

Offer pieces of yourself.  Show her how to open up by letting her know that you believe she is a safe person and a worthy person.  You aren't the same parent she knew when she was 8, either.  You were pretty infallible back then, and suddenly you don't have all the answers and you aren't the shining beacon of amazingness she once thought you were - I know, your imperfect humanity is becoming clearer - so now you get to show her how to be imperfect, respectfully.

Engage your teen in activities that you will both like, and with no ulterior motives.  So no bribing her: "If you go mini-golfing with me, then I'll let you go to the malt shop with your boyfriend."  Tell your teen how much fun you have with her and that you just can't wait until you get to go do this fun thing together.  IGNORE the eye rolling or complaints.  She has to do that.  Her ego can't admit how much she wants to be wanted by you, her ego wants independence.  

Engaging ideas that seem to work for me with my teen:

• Go to a movie, and then follow up with a meal or ice cream to talk about our favorite parts.
• Watch funny youtube videos together.  Later, during regular life interactions, reference the jokes and comedy.
• Brainstorm ideas for the upcoming weekend or school break.  It takes patience and a little coercion, but I've found saying "I don't want the whole weekend to be all about what I want to do, I want you to get to do some of the things you want to do, too."  Then if the suggestions from the teen are: "stay home and have quiet time in the bedroom and/or go visit friends."  A response that works for me is, "I totally get it, you're around people all the time at school, and you can't really hang out with your friends when you're there.  I really think you're a cool person and I like hanging out with you.  I'll feel much better about giving you your private time and your 'friend-time' if you and I get to do something fun together, too.  What do you suggest?"  Then he can trust that he'll get his needs met, and also help decide on what to do together.
• Play a video game with her - usually one from the 80s or early/mid 90s because those are the ones in my comfort and skill levels.  Tekken (button mashing) or tetris.

What are some of the things that your teen might be able to engage in with you?  Make sure the activity is something you will both enjoy - you can't build relationships with someone by doing something they hate.

I love hiking.  My son hates hiking.  When I'm in relationship building mode, I don't choose hiking. 

I do, however, make him go hiking with us as a family because teens also need to learn that they don't always get to do only the things they like to do.  It's much easier to get my teen to go hiking if I have invested in relationship building first!!

The point here is that when you build a relationship with your teenager they will be more invested  in maintaining your approval and maintaining harmony within the parent/child relationship.  They will be more able to take in your guidance in modeling, and they will want to reach your expectations.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/