arent-teen relationships can be hard to navigate sometimes!

This is one of my favorite types of therapy to be a part of: helping parents and kids get on the same page.  We spend so much time with them and their cuteness while they're little and then they reach adolescence and they start pulling away.  It can feel surreal and a little heartbreaking sometimes.

No longer are we their best person who they want to come to for reassurance or a feeling of security - but we are "other" and they need to see how far they can push us away while still being a part of things.  Not all kids.  But many of them.

Here's the thing: it's not personal.

I mean, in some aspects it might be personal - you tend to tease them in front of their friends and they just don't want to be embarrassed on purpose anymore - but youth don't always know how to communicate that and still maintain their relationship.  They're new to this whole autonomny thing.  They don't know how to do it well.

Here's where I come in within the therapeutic process.

I meet with parent and child together.  We get on the same page and determine who my client is.  Usually it's the child/teen.  We figure out our goals - which since my client is the youth the goals are directed toward the youth's desires: learn how to talk so my parents will listen, become more independant, get along better with my friends, etc.  I ask the youth if it's okay if their parent can join us every three or four (or five) sessions so they can practice what we learn in session with someone who's safe and who would benefit from practicing with them.

Then we start sessions.  I get to know your teen/youth.  We talk about their friends, their parents and siblings.  We talk about what they want out of life or out of the weekend.  Through the casual conversation I pick up on various things in their story and ask more about it (why did you make that choice?  What did that make you think about yourself or about them?  How did you cope?) and then I ask what would happen if they tried it this other way?  Would the people around them respond differently if they said or did things from a different perspective?  If they would have taken a diffferent perspective would they have made different choices?

It's all part of a conversation that doesn't feel so clinical.  It's not like tv where we sit across from each otheer and I write on a pad of paper, psychoanalyzing them.  We go for walks or play Yahtzee. We might stay on the sofa/chair but curl up our legs and chat like friends would.  The teen/youth leaves feeling like she just talked to an aunt and not some professional lady who's going to tell her all the things she did wrong.

Then, during the session where parent comes in I wear my professional hat and help a dialogue take place.  My goal in that dialogue is two-fold: to focus on how the two people are communicating and to improve the relationship between them.  The teen's goal is usually to focus on the content of the conversation (Am I allowed to have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Can I stay the night at friends' houses, etc).  

The following session the teen/youth and I debrief about what went well and what could be improved upon.  We work on what they can do differently (because you can't change the people around you, you can only change yourself).  

And then the cycle begins again -  and hopefully with the next parent session the teen has another set of tools in their toolbelt and the relationship continues to evolve.  It's not a quick fix, but it's moving in the right direction toward healthy communication and relationship as your kiddo goes from child to teen to adult.

Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #104464
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Jessica works in Chico California helping individual adults and teens, couples, and families.  Whenever she's in session she's always thinking about the relationships this person has and how those relationships influence them and how they're influencing the relationships.  She's looking for the dance and looking to help her client navigate the ways they contribute to relationships and how they can change the song to one that's a little happier.

To contact her for an appointment send her an email at jdw@jessicawilkerson.com or call/text (530) 994-5114.

I've heard people say, "I just want to feel normal!"

​What is "Normal" anyway?

Normal is different for everyone.  It's either the way you usually feel, except for right now - or - it's the way you perceive everyone around you is feeling, and it's different from how you're feeling.

Let's look at this:

How you usually feel could be optimistic, peaceful, exuberant, or any number of positive traits, but lately you've been feeling otherwise.  You're not sure how to get back to your "old self," or if you even can.  Either way, you don't like the change that has taken place in your life and you're longing for positive change.

The other option is that you've always felt like you're kind of an Eyore (or Tigger or Piglet, etc) and you so deeply want to shed that aspect about yourself that you feel like the people without that Eyore quality are normal and you're flawed.  You want to change.

There are a few choices here.

• You can see that the world isn't so black and white.  This could be a really wonderful version of you and you can learn to accept it and make peace with the new you.  You can learn to accept that your Eyore, Tigger, or Piglet qualities are there to stay and dig deep to find the beautiful qualities of those archetypes.  
• You can list all the things you do well and that are positive about you and work on sculpting those so these positive things that already exist can shine even brighter.  You might be especially bouncy like Tigger, but you're also very creative and fabulous at brainstorming - so you join a mindbank and help others come up with solutions.

You can do both ideas listed above at the same time:

You can see that there are just things about who you are that you might not like; but are harmless, and you can accept them.  You're loud and your boundless energy can be felt from across the room.  The way people always notice you makes you feel uncomfortable or weird.  No matter how much you try to temper that energy or noise you always accidently realize that at some point your volume increased on it's own.  Okay.  That's doable.  That's not something that hurts other people's feelings unless you're gossiping or criticizing someone at that volume.  You might just need to accept that instead of striving to "be normal" like everyone else, this is YOUR NORMAL - and that's okay.

Once you've identified your "new normals" and you want to work toward accepting them it's important to start highlighting the areas you already love about yourself and work on cultivating them more deeply.  Do you have a heart to try new things - even if your life has been so busy you don't get to try new things that often - now you're going to focus on this inquisitive and brave heart of yours.  You sign up for dance lessons or skydiving, you go on a spontateous road trip.

Then, when you're in the action of doing the existing character trait really be present in it, soak it in.  Go over it afterward either mentally with yourself or by talking about it with someone.  Reinforce this really neat thing about who you are.  As you do this, the things that are your "new normal" will become more and more palatable, and eventually will just be part of the colorful tapestry that is you.

No longer will you be wishing to "go back to normal" or wishing that you "were normal like everyone else."  From then on, you'll see that your normal is a pretty great thing that brings a lot of joy to your life and to your heart.  

Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT

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Jessica Wilkerson is a LIcensed Marriage and Family Therapist who works in Chico California.  She provides EMDR for trauma processing and EFT for couples therapy.  She has a radio show that airs weekly on Christian Talk Radio KKXX.net & 103.9 FM.  Jessica has a heart to help people discover joy.

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The devastating Camp Fire changed everything for every single person who lived in Paradise and all the surrounding towns.  I’m choosing not to give a synopsis of what the denizens of Paradise experienced in the Camp Fire because it’s something that can easily be googled, and those who have lived through it don’t need to read about it, again (and again, and again).

What I want to talk about in this article is the PTSD that is sweeping through Butte County and touching every person here - not just the folks who made it out.

The people who fled through walls of flames are survivors!  They are warriors!

But this article isn’t about them…….

It’s about:

The people who were in Chico or Oroville and who weren’t allowed to drive up to Paradise to save their loved ones.  They had to sit and wait to hear.

The families who have sheltered their loved ones after they made it out of the fire.

The people who have volunteered at shelters, churches, or raised funds.

The individuals and groups who raised money or virtually adopted families.

The employees at the stores when people were shopping for the donations or when they ran out of air filters and air purifiers.  Those on the front lines witnessing the plight of others day after day as a part of their job.

The ones who had compromised immune systems or lungs and couldn’t leave their homes to help, but who were inundated on tv, internet and social media.

The folks who haven’t been able to get apartments, jobs, or child care because the town grew too fast with more people than there are resources and now supply and demand is on high on demand and low on supply.

The days and weeks that smoke hung in the air, clouding our vision, choking our throats, and seeping into homes between the cracks.

Watching so many people affected so thoroughly, and not being able to stop it or “help enough.”

THESE PEOPLE ALSO HAVE PTSD - or at least Secondary Traumatic Stress Disorder.
(Secondary traumatic stress is the emotional duress that results when an individual hears about the firsthand trauma experiences of another).

I keep hearing people compare their pain.  They say, “but it could have been worse…” and follow that statement with a catastrophic fantasy that could theoretically happen or has actually happened to someone else.  They discount their pain because others are also hurting.

But that doesn’t alleviate their pain.

Comparing your pain to someone else’s compounds your hurt so that now you’re hurting and also ashamed about it.  Now, more statements start coming up about being weak or selfish. Now you’re in pain, you’re ashamed, and you’re labeling yourself.  

And still not reaching out for help.

Because other people need it more than you do.

That’s not how pain works.

Pain is pain is pain.

Anxiety is anxiety is anxiety.

Trauma is trauma is trauma.

Those things don’t compare themselves with others, they just take up residence in your heart and mind.  If gone unchecked they continue to grow until they become a beast you can’t ignore anymore.

You don’t have to waste your time waiting for it to grow larger.  Your sacrifice of "not going to talk to someone about it" isn’t actually helping anyone out in the world who has suffered more than you.  You aren’t giving up your spot for them. You’re just suffering needlessly.

I know that as the summer heat has set in, I myself, have been feeling a little anxious about fire season.  It’s been windy lately. It’s getting warmer and warmer. I’m a therapist and I’m feeling it. I’m also hearing the fear around me at the grocery store, with clients, and on my social media pages.  It’s out there.  But we don't have to keep it to ourselves.  We don't have to feel alone within a sense of foreboding.  There's something we can do: we can talk, we can support each other, we can make each other feel NOT CRAZY for feeling so bad about things that have happened. 

You don’t have to have been a fire survivor to be one of the survivors of this catastrophic event.  It’s okay to reach out for help; to talk to someone trained to help you get through to the other side of the tension and stress.

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Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #104464

Jessica provides therapy to families, individuals, teens, and couples in Chico, California.  To see if she has any openings and set an appointment, you can reach her at:
(530) 994-5114
jdw@jessicawilkerson.com





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I have been given a wonderful opportunity to host a live, call-in radio show to help our community with their questions regarding family, parenting and relationships.  It started today, September 15, 2014.

You can tune in every Monday at 12:30 pm on kkxx.net or if you're local on 104.5 FM/ 930 AM.

The 12:30 show is live, but if you don't have time during your lunch hour to listen, they play the recording again at 6:00 & 9:00 later that same evening.

Here is our first show ever!  I discussed "What is therapy,"  "Why would you go to therapy," and took a call from the father of a "rambunctious 4 year old boy".  

Remember, this is a Christian radio station, so there is a little discussion of faith in there.

Click Here to Listen!

Oh, the teen girls!  I love them.  Once upon a time, I was a teen girl... now, I'm a grown up woman with all these years of college learning in psychology and years of providing therapy to girls and their families.  But, I can still tap into that teen girl brain and emotions that once lived in this body when I need a reminder of those conflicts and feelings.

It's such a dichotomy in that brain.  "My parents are sooooo smothering!  They don't let me do anything!"  and also, "My parents don't even care about me.  Nothing I do is right, they don't pay attention to me unless I'm messing up."

No matter how much positive encouragement you give your teen girl, some girls will only notice when you reprimand them or give them instructions.

Why is this?  Well, there are several reasons.

1)  You are the parent.  You are "the system" or "the man."  It's the time in their lives where they are taking big courageous breathes to leave the nest and fly solo.  If they take every piece of valid and good advice you give them, then they fear they don't have what it takes to leave.  No one is as smart is mom or dad.  When they get good and valid advice from outside adults (even if it's the same advice) they know that when they are on their own they can still find answers to their questions without your help.  Is your teen's delivery of this information to you given in a mature and articulate manner, or by rolling their eyes and slamming their bedroom door?  Probably the latter, they aren't super mature and articulate - no matter how smart or sweet they are in general.

2)  Friends.  Peer groups.  As adults, we have them.  We generally socialize with people in the general vicinity to our ages.  Our people skills are as developed as the people we spend time with.  Your teen girl has friends who tell her what's cool and what's not cool.  They tell her if the boy she likes is cool or not cool.  They tell her what opinion she just stated is cool or not cool.  And really, for teen girls cool = socially acceptable.  "Dorky" kids think things are cool, and those things are different than what "popular" kids think is cool.  So cool is relative to your friends; therefore, cool = acceptable.  It's semantics, really - but the teens don't realize this.  They just need to survive.

I have to say that it has been my experience that most parents give their teenagers sage and wise advice.  Most parents inherently know their children, regardless of how much or how little they work, socialize, etc.  I have found that most parents feel frustrated and at their wits end because their teen girl isn't listening, and they are worried beyond belief for her well-being.

When you take point #1 into consideration, you understand why she's resisting.  When you take #2 into mind, you realize why her peers opinions are more important than yours.  

And really, when she's an adult those peers are going to be her colleagues in the office, her friends on the social scene.  Those peers will have children her children's ages and they will be at birthday parties and PTA meetings together as adults (especially in towns as small as those here in Butte County).

So when she's struggling in these relationships, not putting down appropriate boundaries, expressing herself constructively, and not listing to your advice, that's when I am able to come in.  I am another adult.  I have a laugh-y, joke-y demeanor that throws them off a little.  "Not another adult who thinks too highly of themselves, but rather can listen without judging me or telling me what to do!"  Yep.  I don't tell teenagers what to do to fix their lives.  I help them think through their options and I help them make the decision.

I teach them to think and make decisions in a healthy way so they don't alienate themselves from their friends or family.

I really love it when parents come into therapy with us.  When your teen is starting therapy she's talking like a teen, and you are accustomed to talking with them like kids.  So we work on that and she has a safe harbor to try some new techniques, while you learn too.  Later, we bring parents back in to do it again, now your teen has had a few months of learning, and she has some more skills to practice with you.  Practicing with you is easier and safer than practicing on friends - so it gives her confidence!  

I do love those teen girls!  Someday they will be women, amazing women, our peers and colleagues!  How wonderful and lucky are we to get to watch and be a part of them growing and evolving.  Little butterflies!  Little birdies learning to fly!

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Jessica Wilkerson also provides therapy to families, couples, individuals, children and teens.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Continued from: As Parents... It's Not All About Them: What Do WE Need to be Happy?  (Part 1)

Guilt.

I want to talk to you about guilt.  It's so ugly and destructive.  It tears down every piece of you.

When you parent from a place of guilt, you are also parenting from a place of powerlessness and unworthiness.  Have you ever met someone who operated from those spaces?  Maybe a coworker, boss, fellow student, or just an acquaintance when you took your child to the park?  What did you think of them?  Did their persona elicit respect, admiration, or love because they were so humble?  Guilt ≠ Humility.

It's easy to look back on our life and ruminate on the things we've done wrong, and it's even easier to beat ourselves up over parenting mistakes (some of those mistakes might be huge).  But this is important: Carrying the burden of guilt around does not make you a better parent.

This is your permission, from a psychotherapist, to release your guilt.

Guilt is your mind thinking about you.  How you feel about what happened.  How you impacted someone else negatively.  The guilt in your mind is pointing its finger at you, You, YOU (or me, Me, ME, however you read it).  

Guilt is self-centered.  Guilt says, "I did something wrong.  I am bad.  I am injured.  I need to be nurtured to heal."  So... I did something wrong works its way around to I need compassion.  It's all about the person who did the wrong and is carrying the guilt.  Guilt is greedy.  We both know from experience that effective parenting is anything but greedy or self-centeredness.

Remorse, on the other hand, is other-centered.  You mourn the other person.  You mourn what happened to them and what they experienced.  When you're feeling remorse over something that has happened to your child/teen, then you're also focusing on helping them heal.  With remorse you can grieve the thing that happened, and you can move on to repair the relationship. Remours says, "I did something wrong.  This person is hurting because of what happened.  How can I make this right and help them?"  Remorse moves you forward in your relationship, guilt keeps you stuck in a spiral of self-degradation.

So face up to it.  Know that you are human, humans are imperfect, and imperfections can run deep.  Apologize to your child/teen for what you caused and put the focus on how your beloved child feels (not how you feel).  And when you are forgiven - allow yourself to forgive you, too.

Compassion.

Full disclosure: as I write this, I have a 15 year old son.  I have a Master of Arts degree in Counseling Psychology, I provide psychotherapy and parenting skill-building for a living, and have a deep spiritual connection to God.

But just like you, I'm human.

And sometimes... my frustration gets the better of me.

From time to time, I'm tempted to ask my teen "WHAT were you thinking?" or, "I told you if you didn't start your homework earlier you wouldn't finish.  That bad grade is all your fault."   Those thoughts have been known to go through my head for a split second.  But what good would that do for my teen?  How would that prepare him for interacting with the world when he's an adult?  That would be my ego wanting control and acknowledgement, and his error is about him and not about me.  

As adults, how much do we need others to be there for us and to support us, even when we make a bad decision?  How much do we need our friends, family and partners?  Now, imagine being a teenager and needing that support equally or more.

There are enough "I told you so" people out in this world, our kids don't need those at home, too.

What influences a teen's ability to grow into a person who empathize with others is the amount of empathy and compassion he received when he made errors in judgement.  When he operated from his humanness.  

Connecting with the way it feels to mess up, let someone down, be let down, miscalculate a time schedule, feel unheard, be unable to articulate how you feel when you're feeling lousy - connecting with those feelings within you as a parent helps to stifle the "I told you so" button that you want to press when your teen didn't heed your sound advice and instead did it his way.  

Remember how powerless you felt when you were under everyone else's rules and expectations, and then something didn't go your way or you messed up.  It didn't feel good.

Compassion during times of tumult will not only keep peace in your home, but it will also draw your teen closer to you.  It makes you a safe person.  It makes you someone they can confide in when they are angry, sad or frustrated.  Teens feel resentful when the parent who was there for them as children is suddenly not as accessible because their expectations and reactions have shifted.  

As a parent, swallowing our pride and letting our teen own their misery, being there to listen and gently guide them into an appropriate response, and remembering not to take ownership over their mistake or their feelings goes a long way (miles long).

Self-Definition.

Your child is now a teen, and all the goals and aspirations you had for him are on the cusp of being attained.  It feels like he's at the ninth hour and it's make-it or break-it time.  If he can just maneuver his way through these last couple years, make good decisions, then it will be smooth sailing and all those dreams you had for him will come true.

But guess what.  You don't get to define your teen.  I know, it's so disappointing.  I'm there with you.  I remember tucking in the little guy at night and just imagining all the great things he could grow up to become.

And while, this isn't about my own son, but rather about that I can relate to those pulling, heart-breaking feelings when your teen resists and wants to do what he wants to do.  Dye his hair blue.  Quit track and field even though he's loved it all his life.  Play a lot more video games than you'd like him to play.  Yeah, those were not the images I had of him as a teen when he was 8 years old.

He gets to define himself.  He can be guided, and as parents we can (and should) put appropriate limits on the ways our teens choose to experiment with self-definition.  But we don't get to define our teenagers for them.

This portion of the article is not about defining our teens.  

It's about defining ourselves: as people (not as parents).  You get to define you.  Finally!

Who are you?  What do you stand for?  What are your non-negotiable values for this life?  What goals do you have and what are you doing to achieve them?

When you, as a parent and person, have a strong definition of who you are and what you stand for, your teen can see you as a cornerstone.  You can be the foundation that allows them to test the waters of their own identity.  They can trust that your "yes" means "yes" and your "no" means "no", and there is something very reassuring in knowing the ground beneath them is solid and holds their best interests.

When you have separated your self-definition from your teen's you can stand back and allow them to make mistakes without the need to rescue (who are you rescuing, them or yourself?).  You can respond appropriately without getting caught up in the teenage angst and drama.  You know that your identity and your ego is not threatened by their lapse in judgement.

You can have peace.  And best of all, you can provide peace.

This series continues:  As Parents... (Part 3)

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

We live in our hearts, our minds, our homes, and our relationships.  So when we are overwhelmed and unbalanced in one of those areas we feel the reverberations.  We intimately feel that disbalance throughout the other parts of who we are.  Sometimes it can be so subtle that a person can't really identify the origin, all they know is there's an uncomfortable feeling welling up inside.  They look around to find something to fix, but no matter what they change or what they control they just can't seem to find peace.

Even if it's not right at this moment, I would bet there's a point in your life where you can nod your head and relate.

In the midst of all those stressors, you are raising children and/or teenagers.  You are working full-time (or more).  You are paying bills.  You are trying to maintain romantic and platonic relationships.  You are trying to keep up on housework.  

When people get overwhelmed it can be very easy to slip into negative thinking and begin remembering some the ways you felt your parents might have failed you.  It starts a whirlwind of negative thoughts and you begin to worry about the ways you might have already failed your kids (and then worrying about the ways we might fail them in the future).  

You forget to notice all the positive experiences in your life up to this point because you've gotten mired into the stress and guilt of it all.  You can't see your own sunny days as you sink into the quicksand of guilt.

When it gets to this point, it feels like there is just so much to do, and so much to think about that if seems as if there is no time for joy.  You're just holding it all together and waiting for the day that you'll finish one of these long, arduous tasks.  Sometimes it can seem as if you're just biding your time until your teenager grows up and you have one less worry (and then that reminds you that your teen is nearly grown and you won't have them anymore.  Oh great, one more thing to worry about).

Yeah.  I get it.

Been there.

But guess what.  None of that is real.  Yes, all of it is very, very real - but the stress of it is a script that, as parents, we are playing over and over in our heads and it needs to stop.  Stop!

How can we teach our teens to grow up into well-balanced adults if we're so plagued by guilt, stress, and a lack of personal definition that we are "surviving" instead of "thriving"?  For our teens we are the Gold Standard.  They swear they won't be like us when they grow up, that they'll be different and better - and yet, they are subconsciously role playing and modeling themselves after us every single day.  Our teens love us.

Oh jeeze, you say.  This is heavy and complicated.  

While this is all new territory because we've never parented teens before - they've never been teens before, and on that subject we're experienced.  We've been teens - and we survived!

I'd like to discuss six categories that parents need to reflect upon and situate within themselves so they can enjoy these years of parenting their teen.  You got through the diapers, two-year-old tantrums, car seats, boogers, and all those pictures they brought home from elementary school.   Now they're teenagers who can think & speak for themselves, and now it's time to enjoy your hard work - and yet... in a way, it's so much of a different kind of hard.

Six Categories:
Guilt vs. Remorse                         Compassion                            Self-Definition
Mission                                           Support/Guidance                   Boundaries

In Part 2, we'll discuss Guilt vs Remorse, Compassion, and Self-Definition.

In Part 3, we'll discuss Mission, Support/Guidance, and Boundaries.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

In my last blog I referenced Dr. Daniel Siegel's analogy of teens being like waterfalls.  Well, in this blog I'm talking a little more about the good work he has put into studying the adolescent mind.  Dr. Siegel has come up with an acronym to describe the qualities in a teen brain that need to be ignited in order for them to thrive and become the self-actualizing adults who go for the gold.

That's what we want for our kids right?  Go for the gold!  Be successful in love, friendships, business and family.  Be happy.  Don't struggle financially.  Have stability in all their relationships - romance and friendships.  We want them to grow up so that we don't have to worry about them so much, right?

Well, that's what I want for my teen - and from what I gather by talking to friends and clients, those are all the same qualities they hope for their teens when they fly from the nest.  What I discuss below comes from the work of Dr. Daniel Siegel (I don't want to take credit for his hard work!).  I attended the Evolution of Psychotherapy conference and took copious notes.  When I was going back through my notes I felt very moved that more people need to learn about this!  So here is the way my brain wraps around his research:

E.S.S.E.N.C.E.

1. Emotional Spark
   
2. Social Engagement
   
3. Novelty
   
4. Creative Exploration
   

Emotional Spark - The brain is learning how to arrange emotions.  The fight-or-flight part of their brain is on high alert.  They are someday going to have to defend themselves and their own children from the world.  They are subconsciously trying to understand which emotions are more useful for survival, and because of this, all their emotions are on high alert.  They passionately feel everything (and it's not the myth of raging hormones that is to blame).  If we dismiss these feelings the teen will not learn the lesson we're trying to teach.

We think we're teaching them which things are worth reacting to, but that's not what their brains are processing.  Their brains are learning that this emotion isn't useful - or it's useful for a different reaction than is appropriate, depending on the reaction they get from you.  "Oh, I get attention when I yell or cry about anything."  or  "I'm deeply feeling hurt, and it doesn't matter that what hurt me is small, nobody is caring about the fact that I am hurting.  I'm unworthy."

The trick: acknowledge and name the emotion.  "Wow, you're really sad right now."  "I can see you're super frustrated."  You don't need to tell them why they shouldn't feel that way, just let them own it for a little while.  You don't have to cater to it, you can tell them that you would like them to be angry in their bedroom until they can carry a conversation without yelling - it's okay they're angry, it's not okay to yell.

Social Engagement - Teens NEED peer relationships.  These are connections they will have as adults.  These are relationships that will teach them what is acceptable, safe, dangerous, and allow them the ability to work through boundaries while their brains are remodeling.  When your teen was a child you taught him to share and to play fair.  Now that they are in adolescence they are getting a taste of the "real world" where people don't always play fair.  These are the years where the teen is learning out he relates to these new levels of grey where life isn't good or bad, black or white.

The trick:  if your teen has friends who you think are questionable, but whom your teen is bonded with - have them over to your house.  Yes, you'll spend a little more in groceries (teens and their hollow legs!), but you will be able to see the good qualities in these kids that your teen sees.  You'll be able to monitor what they are doing, and BONUS: you are indirectly still spending a little time with your teen during the waning years they're still at home.

Novelty - Most people have heard of dopamine and serotonin, but if you haven't then you'll be good to know these are the hormones that make you feel good.  When you exercise, make love, get good news, or go on a roller coaster you get that thrilling feeling of the dopamine surge (sidenote: illicit drugs raise your dopamine and serotonin levels, and that's why they feel good and are so addicting).  Well, according to Dr. Siegel's research, the baseline of these hormones drop during adolescence.  

So a child and an adult are running along on a certain amount of dopamine.  All day you just have this level of positivity that's always there.  But during the teen years your dopamine/positivity drug is limited, suddenly you're sullen, sulky, and kind of bummed out for no reason (sound like any formerly happy teenager you know?).  

Another thing happens: The bursts of dopamine are HUGE.  So you and I as adults are running at a higher level, and when something good happens we get this little shoot of excitement and joy.  The teen brain wants to reach that same level and since it is starting out at a lower level than we started from, it has to shoot a geyser to get up there!  That might look a little like mood swings, right?  What are some things we know release dopamine?  Getting hurt (why cutting is so common among teens as a form of coping), the risk of injury (skydiving, rollercoasters, driving fast), falling in love (swooooon)... can you think of any more?

The trick:  Be patient and understanding when they are feeling moody - they don't know why the construction worker remodeling their brain blew their dopamine, but it happened and it's beyond their control.  Teach them responsible and reasonable ways to get that rush so they don't get hurt trying to seek it out for themselves.  Engage them in exciting and fun activities, and role model (or find a good role model) responsibility.

Creative Exploration: Do you do all the things the same way that your parents and grandparents did them?  Have you found some neat alternatives to make your life easier?  Now, are you comfortable in your life?  At least, comfortable in how you do most of the things you do?

Well, that is because you were seeking out better ways, new ways, interesting ways, exciting ways to do things when you were a teen.  It was fun to one-up or best one of the adults - it was a game, thrilling!  Look what I can do better than you!  

This is how humanity has grown.  Each generation wants to do something more than their parents did.  Our teens don't need to do everything our way all the time, as long as they do it (and try to do a good job).  

The trick:  Use this to your advantage!  Your teen is SO INTELLIGENT!  Hey, they've just pruned away a ton of useless info, there's room for learning and growth!  You can give them traditional creative outlets and you can also let them explore problem solving for something useful to you.  Don't just placate a teen to keep them occupied - they'll see right through that, that's what we did when they were little guys.  Give them something that is happening around the house that you are stumped about, work on it together, give them room to take the lead on the project, listen to their ideas and let them try them (even if you don't think it'll really work).  As long as they aren't going to hurt someone or themselves they are quick thinkers and creative problem solvers.

Having a teen can be challenging mostly because they are changing and as parents we're used to them being the person they have always been, doing what they have always done, and obeying us as their "Chief Officer in Command".  They still need hierarchy, but think of it as you're a manager who is getting a promotion and you're training your teen to be your replacement.

You can do it!  

***and remember, if you want to learn more about E.S.S.E.N.C.E. you can look up Dr. Daniel Siegel.  He has authored books, articles, and just general amazingness.  He is one man on fire for our youth!


To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

I was at a seminar by Dr. Daniel Siegel not that long ago and he said, "Teenagers are like waterfalls.  You can't stop them, but you can help to direct their energy."  Or, it was something to that effect.

If you think back to your own teen years, you'll probably remember your parents telling you to do things and not to do other things.  You might remember that you listened and obeyed sometimes, and others you likely thought your parents just "didn't get it" and you did it anyway.  Those memories are so long ago, and when the event or thought happened it was so inconsequential that we don't easily pull it up as adults. 

But do you remember the other adults in your life?  Youth group leaders, sports coaches, favorite teachers, after school job employers... do you remember how you responded when they requested you to start or stop a task?  It was with a little more grace and a bit more respect, even if you didn't want to do it.  What was the difference?

Can we use this memory today when working with our own teens?  YES!

Usually, the reason teens have more "attitude" at home than they do in public is two-fold:

1) You have provided a safe space for them to speak their mind.  I know, good parenting sometimes feels like the old cliche "No good deed goes unpunished".  But your teen needs to learn how to respectfully decline and put up boundaries.  They don't always have the confidence to tell other people no without ruining relationships - so they comply (but really, is compliance with outside influences always a good idea? More on that another day).  At home, they know they will continue to be loved and valued even if they disagree.  

To you, reader, parent, caregiver, I want to say KUDOS!  Great job for providing a home where someone can feel so loved and valued that they also feel free to have an "attitude."  It means you've worked really hard for many years, and now your efforts are evident.

2) Brains.  Dr. Siegel also gives a wonderful analogy likening the adolescent brain to a house that's being remodeled.  In the child's brain you had your starter home, but as time changes and your family changes that home is just not going to fit anymore.  You remodel.  There is dust everywhere, holes where walls used to be, you're turning a few rooms into closets and pushing other walls out to expand your favorite, most used rooms.

The fancy, science terms for this is called Pruning and Myelination.  The adolescent brain is Pruning away, cutting back nerves, clusters of nerves, and just generally cleaning out what it won't need when it's finishing the remodel - Spring cleaning lasting a decade!  Myelination is when the brain is creating connections and cementing down memories (this can be both good and bad memories, behaviors, attitudes, etc.).

When your teen is forgetful and you know they know how to do something, they're not putting you on - their brains pruned it, it's gone.  They need to re-learn that task, and then they need to do it enough times that it myelinates.  When I think of Myelin, I think of the little piece of plastic at the end of a shoelace.  The first time you learn something it's just the shoelace by itself, but each time you learn it you get another piece of plastic coating cementing the memory and making it easier and easier for your brain to slide right to it again.

So what now?  Patience.  Grace.  And a LOT of teaching, role modeling and role playing.  Your job isn't done, now you get to use that safe space you worked so hard to create to help guide their waterfall energy so they know the appropriate ways to decline something not good for them and how to determine the times to comply.  Sometimes just knowing it isn't about your teen not liking you anymore, and knowing that they don't actually know about their remodel (can you imagine remodeling your home and not having any idea it's happening or what the house will look like when it's finished - pretty scary!) is enough information to give you to take a deep breath, find your patience, and show them again how to do their task properly or to remind and role model how to speak to you respectfully.  

Reader, you've gotten this far, YOU CAN DO IT!

Have you ever experienced these feelings:

I thought by now... I'd have a great marriage.

I thought by now... I'd be farther along in my career.

I thought by now... I'd understand my emotions surrounding my weight issues.

I thought by now... my kids would listen and respect me better.

I thought by now... I'd be happier... my parents would approve of me... I'd have a better social life... I'd feel more peaceful... I'd be able to balance all my responsibilities... I wouldn't be so worried or anxious all the time... I'd feel less grief for my loved one's death... I'd have joy.

I don't know why bad things might have happened to you, or why you're disappointed. I don't, and I won't pretend to have all the answers. But what I will do is get down into that murky water with you. I'll sit there in those deep and dark waters and listen to what you've been keeping to yourself all these years. You won't have to be alone when you are ready to talk bout the heavy things weighing on your heart.

When you're ready to create a new future, a new hope, then I will be there to do my very best to teach you some skills that might help.

I am passionate for you. I am passionate for families, marriages, and children. I believe there is a domino effect in our relationships with the people around us when we release some of the heartache we're holding and we learn new ways to relate to ourselves.

As an intern, I work under the supervision of board licensed therapist, Joe R. Taylor, LMFT #46406, who has had years of experience in the field. In addition to all that I've learned in graduate school, multitudes of extra training, and clinical experience, my supervisor ensures I use empirically validated techniques to help you enrich your life and skill set.

I am excited to know you, to help you, and to partner with you each week during your journey. This is your journey, and I'm honored to be a small part. Thank you for visiting my website and please feel free to click over to my Vitae to see the continuing education I've received and over to the About Me section to learn of some of my professional history. Thank you.