This is a term I usually hear from folks who believe that saying exactly what they think and feel is the most authentic way to be in the world.  However, I think that’s a cop out.  I think there’s a radical honesty that’s not being addressed – the internal, psychological world of the individual.

Radical honesty: “Yes, those pants make your butt look big.”
                             “You have halitosis.”
                             “I’d like to have sex with you, no strings attached.”
​
There’s a bravery in this because the person is risking rejection and judgement from the people with whom they’re interacting.  But there’s also an inner voice that reinforces this behavior by saying, “clearly, these people are weak if they can’t handle your honesty.” And “you’re just being honest.”
But the person strategizing radical honesty is often less honest with themselves because they’re not saying, “what you just said hurt that person and it didn’t actually do anything to create meaningful or healthy change in their life or in your relationship with them.” 

What I like to try to understand is why did this person decided Radical Honesty was the way to go?  How have they been hurting lately?  Have there been recent relationship ruptures that have created this coping mechanism?  Because that’s what it really is, a coping mechanism.

If you’re on the receiving end of being in a relationship with someone engaging in hurtful statements with the excuse of “just being honest” then I suggest responding to them by saying, “that was really hurtful, was it necessary?”  We can be honest and also have tact and diplomacy.  If you’ve tried this a few times and it’s not working, then having healthy boundaries and letting them know that this is a stressful relationship and if the way they interact with you doesn’t change to include kindness within their honesty then you don’t have the energy to continue engaging.  They can choose how to respond to that and if they choose honesty without diplomacy then they’re choosing not to have that relationship.  They made the choice, their pain’s lie of Radical Honesty is false – you are not weak for refusing to engage in it, you are strong for standing up for yourself and for expecting balance.

If this article has triggered something in you because you’ve been Radically Honest lately and you can’t figure out how you’re hurting other people.  You genuinely don’t think you’ve been hurtful, but you also do see that the people in your life have been pushing back against the Radical Honesty – then maybe it’s time to talk with someone unbiased.  Someone who can go over those interactions with you and see if the other person was being overly sensitive or if you were more insensitive that necessary, and learn how to find the balance to be honest while maintaining the important relationships in your life.  It’s possible.  It can actually bring you closer and heal relationships when you’re honest with tact.

If want an appointment to talk about Radical Honesty in your life, please feel free to contact me at (530) 994-5114 or email me at jwilkerson.ma@gmail.com

You are not an island.  I actually say that more often than you'd expect from a therapist.  But it's one of my favorite sayings because it can mean several things in different circumstances.  Here's what I mean when I say, "You're not an island:"

You are affected by other people.
So many people beat themselves up or call themselves weak when they get their feelings hurt by what someone else says or does.  They think they should have complete control over their own thoughts and feelings that if they hurt or are offended it means there's something wrong with them.  Nope.  

In large part you are indeed responsible for your thoughts, feelings, and actions.  But you're not an island.  People do and say things that hurt you.  People can be unkind or selfish.  You can feel left out, disappointed, pained, etc.  It's what you do in response that separates you from the rest of the world.  Do you retaliate?  Do you criticize yourself?  Do you withdraw?  Do you confront diplomatically?  Those are the things you have control over, not whether or not your feelings were hurt by someone else's cruelty, that's natural and human. 

And after all, you're not an island...

You effect other people.
A lot of folks mistakenly believe that their inner voice is their own.  And yes, it is.  It is truly and more than you realize.  What I mean is that your inner voice affects your outer voice and actions.  Your inner voice isn't really just an inner commentary that lives and let's live.

When you're making fun of people in your head, the way you treat them in real life is influenced.  If you're loving and respectful about them, looking for things they do well, in your head then also you influence the way you interact with them.  If you're inner voice has that sarcastic "I hate people" mantra, but you think you're a nice guy... well, your "nice guy-ness" is colored by that statement you tell yourself about others.  

This goes the same for how you talk about yourself to yourself, too.  Can you see the pattern?

The thoughts you think are your own.  You are responsible for them.  But the thoughts you think effect the way you behave in your relationships with other people, because you are not an island and neither is your mind.

How does this change things?

It changes them BIG TIME!  When you give yourself permission to feel your feelings but take ownership on how you respond to those feelings it makes a positive difference in your relationships.  When you realize that your inner dialogue is influencing the relationships around you then you can start monitoring that inner dialogue and start enjoying people more deeply and safely.

It's up to you.  You.  Are.  Powerful!

What life do you want for yourself?  What kind of relationships do you want?  

​You're not an island, so no matter what choice you make it effects you as well as those around you.

Tell me, would you rather learn the consequence of procrastinating turning in a book report while you are in elementary or high school - or - would you rather experience the consequence of procrastinating a project at work as an adult, supporting a family?

Would you rather experience the consequence of getting kicked off a sports team in high school because you didn't keep your grade up or because you made a bad choice with a friend (stealing, cheating, bullying) - or - would you rather reap the consequence of similar behaviors when you're adult and you can lose a job or stand in front of a judge as an adult?

Let's look at these varying consequences:

• Not turning in a paper earns you an F for the paper or the class.  Maybe you have to repeat the class next year.  Maybe you're not allowed to try out for sports teams.  Maybe your parent grounds you or takes away your video games/cell phone.  
  

• Not turning in a project at work can get you demoted, written up, or fired.  You can't pay your bills.  You move back into your parents house.  
  

In either scenario, you learn the lesson to respect deadlines, right?  But which consequence would you rather to teach you that lesson?

WHEN WE ARE INCONSISTENT WITH OUR CHILDREN & TEENS WE ARE ROBBING THEM OF THE "EASIER" CONSEQUENCE.

Repeating a class is easier than losing your job, right?  Being kicked off a sports team is easier than jail, right?

So, when your child or teenager is rolling their eyes, trying to negotiate with you to get out of their consequence, asking you to cover for them when they failed to plan - just keep these scenarios in mind.  You won't be there when they are adults, they need to learn these lessons while you are still there to be their safety net and to help their egos navigate the consequences of their actions.

I have always felt that when parenting it's best (and easiest for me) to start with the least harsh consequence that works to change the behavior.  If you start out with guns blazing you'll have no where to go when the child/teen tests to see if you're bluffing.  If the easier consequence doesn't work, you can always go a little more strict until you've found something that works.

Some people just want to be the "nice parent" or the "buddy parent" - but consequences are part of boundaries, and they are a part of life.  Teaching your child to respect herself and respect others will go a very long way when she's responsible for navigating the big world all on her own someday.  Boundaries and consequences are one way a child/teen gauges "if you love them and are willing to do what it takes to keep them safe" - they don't act like it, and they certainly won't act like they appreciate it right now, but down in their subconscious they feel a sense of relief that they don't have to negotiate this world alone, and they know they need someone to help outline the boundary lines and teach cause & effect.

Grounded in their bedroom with the soft, comfy bed & personal belongings is so much nicer than being grounded in a jail cell, or grounded by demotions or job losses.  But that's just my perspective, and it's what keeps me strong when I have to deal with the natural insolence of the teenager who I love.

You can follow up with this topic in the article titled Boundaries in Parenting.
---------------------------------
Jessica Wilkerson also provides therapy to families, couples, individuals, children and teens.
To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

There's this buzz word out in the world called BOUNDARIES.

What does that even mean?  You know you should have them.  You think you probably don't.  You hear the word "boundaries" and you think that it must be a measuring stick that you should be living up to, and that others are judging you by.

Let's demystify boundaries when it comes to parenting.

Boundaries are the gauge by which you allow people permission in your life.  Basically, how you let other people treat you, and how you treat other people.

THERE ARE TWO PARTS TO THIS.

ONE.

When it comes to children and teens, it's even bigger.  They are engaging with their peers and teachers in school, so they have first hand experience trying to figure out how to treat other people and how others treat them (peers & authority figures).  They look everywhere for the measuring stick: television, other peers, and most importantly their parents.

Your child or teen looks to their parent for permission on what is socially acceptable and responsible.  When your child was little you could say the words and tell them how to behave and what to allow.  Then, when your child grew and became a teen they stopped paying so much attention to your words, but they start paying attention to your actions.

What do you let their other parent get away with in their relationship with you?  What do you let their siblings get away with?  How do your friends treat you, and do you put a stop to things when your friends are being impolite or do you allow their indiscretions?    In what ways do you allow your teen to talk or behave in your relationship?  

What are YOUR boundaries with all the relationships in your life?


This is what your pre-teen and teenager is evaluating when they decide how to treat you and how to treat their friends.  

TWO.
 
Safety.  Kids and teens know that you are their protector.  They know that you have it all figured out (even when we're really just humans who don't have it all figured out).

If you are a consistent parent who says "no" to certain and specific things regularly, they can feel safe to know that a) this is something that is not acceptable, and b) they can try to persuade you to give-in, and if you give in then they know that you really mean it's okay this time - since you've been so consistently honorable with your "no" in the past.  It makes your teen feel safe to know that  you really thought this through and decided it is safe and okay - and they can rest in the knowledge that it's safe and okay - they are safe and okay.

If you have been inconsistent in the past with "no," "yes," and "maybe," they don't really know what is safe and okay, what is negotiable because it's is a power issue, what is negotiable because you haven't thought it through yet, and what isn't safe.  There are no fences in the world to keep the bad guys out, and the good guys in.  There's no definition, and very little trust.

It would make sense that they would act disrespectfully when they don't know where the boundaries are, how can they respect what they don't know or trust?

As their negotiating skills improve, as their button pushing improves, they start to realize that there is an imbalance of power in the relationship - and they have the lion's share.  Teens have never had this kind of power before, nobody has taught them to wield it wisely.

Teens learn to grow up with healthy relationships because someone loved them enough to tell them "no" and allowed them to suffer the consequences while they were still young enough that the consequence wasn't too hard.  I talk more about consequences in another blog post.

In the meantime, what are a few ways that your child or teenager invades your boundaries?
What are some relationships in your life where you need better boundaries, and your child/teen has witnessed other people treating you poorly, and you've allowed it.

Now, what is one boundary issue that you would like to resolve with your teen?  Just one!  Rome wasn't built in a day, boundaries are hard and it hurts when you make changes like this - too many too soon won't stick.  

Pick one boundary and focus on improving that over the next few weeks.  Then, re-read this blog post to refresh yourself and start on another boundary.  Put it on your calendar, schedule yourself to re-read the post and work on your 2nd issue.  

---------------------------------
Jessica Wilkerson also provides therapy to families, couples, individuals, children and teens.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Tuesday evenings 6:00-7:30 pm, now through June 24.  Chico Creek Counseling.

Beginning next week, I'm offering a 7 week group for parents of adolescents.  If you have a pre-teen or teenager and your relationship with him/her has been affected by their new sets of behaviors.  Is this happening:  One minute they are sweet talking you like when they were little, the next minute they're screaming at you that you don't know anything and you're so unfair?

Has there been a change in your teenager's life: divorce of parents, changing of schools, changing of friends, the new freedom of having a driver's license or job, drama with friends.

And have you noticed these changes have also created changes in your home life. It's affecting your teen, but it's also contributing to confusion and hurt feelings by the rest of the family, and you've been trying your best to figure things out and smooth them over.

You are NOT alone!

I have provided therapy to many, many junior high and high school kids.  I have provided a lot of family therapy: the parents, the child(ren), me, and the sofa.  It seems that so many similar themes play out in families during this time of restructuring.  Every family I work with is very unique, and yet still struggling in similar ways.

I've created a 6 week program to talk about topics that I see as reoccurring themes to help parents know what is in their power.  Where to give leeway, where to hold firm, and develop a little more understanding about what is going on in that teen brain!

The group is $25 per session.  However, because for me this group is more about helping families.  Helping teens by helping their parents.  Helping fellow parents keep their serenity.  Because I'm passionate for families, I'm not doing this group to grow rich in money, but rich in love and satisfaction of helping others.  The first parent in the family who attends pays $25, but the second parent is only $10 (plus, the first session you attend is free!)  

Parent can also be a grandparent or caregiver struggling with the behaviors in the home, and looking to be a support system for the family.

Please call or text (530) 921-5122 or email jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com to register.

Class schedule is as follows:

5/13 - What is going on in that brain?!?!  Discussion about the changes in the teen brain & how it
           affects behavior.
5/20 - Where did I go wrong?  No one is perfect all the time.  How guilt influences the way we
           parent, & how to shed guilt.
5/27 - Expectations.  Parent expectations, tween/teen expectations - where is the balance? 
6/3 -   Boundaries with Teens.  Where do you draw your line, and how do you hold to it?
6/10 - A Family on a Mission.  How to bring cohesion to your family so everyone is on track &
           going the same direction. 
6/17 - Does it sometimes feel like your family is in chaos?  Learn strategies & techniques for
           holding a family meeting and getting your teen invested in the rules & the decisions made
          during that meeting.
6/24 - Conversation Hour.  No particular topic.  What is the nagging thing that is still lingering in 
           your family, and you want to talk about with Jessica and with a few other parents.  
           Let's just sit, chat, and troubleshoot!

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

It kind of feels like... "Hey, I should already have respect from those kids!"  But you know those eye rolls, insolent answers and comments, and general lack of keeping their commitments all reeks of being disrespected.  You know they should respect you, but they sure haven't been acting like it lately.  What's up with that?

Just because you should receive that respectful behavior from them... doesn't mean you do.  And that's why you're reading this blog post, right?

It's so easy to get caught up in what our kids and teens should be doing.  But if we keep going around and around in those "shoulds" we'll never move forward - we need momentum and to propel those kids forward!  

Let's change the language from what they should be doing - to what they could be doing, or even what we'll teach them to be doing. 

This comes down to three things: relationship, modeling & expectations.  In this post, we'll focus on relationship.  We'll work out modeling and healthy expectations in the posts to follow.

Relationship.

Think back to your adolescence.  Who were your favorite, most respected school teachers?

The teachers who were burned out and always looking for the next kid to yell at, "Knock it off!"?
The teachers who were generally nice, went about their day, taught class, and just expected you to do the work and get a grade?
The teachers who knew you; who took time out to find out a few things about who you are, what you like, and then reference that when providing feedback on assignments?

My best bet: the teachers who you remember now that you're an adult is the teacher who knew and liked you for you, not for your grade, not for your popularity status, not for anything other that the fact that YOU were/are an amazing person and they saw that in you.  For those teachers you paid attention.  For those teachers you (gasp) studied!  You wanted to make them proud, and you wanted to prove them right!  You don't want to let them down by half-assed calling it in, no way!

Well, that is exactly the same for your teenager.

She's not the same girl she was in third grade when her favorite color was yellow and her favorite song was from Disney.  She isn't sure what her favorite color is, but she knows it's not yellow - heck no, yellow is the worse!  She isn't super sure what her favorite song is, there are so many good ones out there!  She used to talk your ear off in the car, and now she gives you one-word answers.

How do you have a relationship with that?  You've been trying!  She's just not giving you anything to work with!

Okay, then we have a starting place!  Don't do what you've been doing.  Stop it.  Right now.

The more you press her, the more she resents you being nosey.  She thinks you have an agenda.  Do you like it when someone is being nice to you in order to accomplish their agenda?  Okay, well that is how your dear, sweet angel is interpreting your questioning.

Offer pieces of yourself.  Show her how to open up by letting her know that you believe she is a safe person and a worthy person.  You aren't the same parent she knew when she was 8, either.  You were pretty infallible back then, and suddenly you don't have all the answers and you aren't the shining beacon of amazingness she once thought you were - I know, your imperfect humanity is becoming clearer - so now you get to show her how to be imperfect, respectfully.

Engage your teen in activities that you will both like, and with no ulterior motives.  So no bribing her: "If you go mini-golfing with me, then I'll let you go to the malt shop with your boyfriend."  Tell your teen how much fun you have with her and that you just can't wait until you get to go do this fun thing together.  IGNORE the eye rolling or complaints.  She has to do that.  Her ego can't admit how much she wants to be wanted by you, her ego wants independence.  

Engaging ideas that seem to work for me with my teen:

• Go to a movie, and then follow up with a meal or ice cream to talk about our favorite parts.
• Watch funny youtube videos together.  Later, during regular life interactions, reference the jokes and comedy.
• Brainstorm ideas for the upcoming weekend or school break.  It takes patience and a little coercion, but I've found saying "I don't want the whole weekend to be all about what I want to do, I want you to get to do some of the things you want to do, too."  Then if the suggestions from the teen are: "stay home and have quiet time in the bedroom and/or go visit friends."  A response that works for me is, "I totally get it, you're around people all the time at school, and you can't really hang out with your friends when you're there.  I really think you're a cool person and I like hanging out with you.  I'll feel much better about giving you your private time and your 'friend-time' if you and I get to do something fun together, too.  What do you suggest?"  Then he can trust that he'll get his needs met, and also help decide on what to do together.
• Play a video game with her - usually one from the 80s or early/mid 90s because those are the ones in my comfort and skill levels.  Tekken (button mashing) or tetris.

What are some of the things that your teen might be able to engage in with you?  Make sure the activity is something you will both enjoy - you can't build relationships with someone by doing something they hate.

I love hiking.  My son hates hiking.  When I'm in relationship building mode, I don't choose hiking. 

I do, however, make him go hiking with us as a family because teens also need to learn that they don't always get to do only the things they like to do.  It's much easier to get my teen to go hiking if I have invested in relationship building first!!

The point here is that when you build a relationship with your teenager they will be more invested  in maintaining your approval and maintaining harmony within the parent/child relationship.  They will be more able to take in your guidance in modeling, and they will want to reach your expectations.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Continued from: As Parents... (Part 2)  and  As Parents... It's Not All About Them: What Do WE Need to be Happy?  (Part 1)

Mission.

A family is not a business.  But in many ways the aspects of the business model is indeed incorporated into the family dynamic.  The parents could be considered the managerial staff: keeping the accounting books in the black, restocking supplies, general overview and running of the mill.  The children or teens; however, are not mere employees doing their due diligence to get the work cranked out.  Nothing would get done if we had those sorts of expectations!

Instead, I like to think of the parent/teen scenario as the parents being the dept. managers who are about to retire or be promoted, and they are training their teens to be their replacement. 

Offices sure do run better when the manager sticks around to train his replacement, rather than controlling every aspect until the last minute and then throwing the new guy on the job only half-ready or not at all.  There's a ripple effect affecting everyone in the business when things of that nature happen, and there's a similar effect when teens leave the nest without the proper training.

So how do we change our thinking from "I'm in charge, I'm the boss,and I say what goes" to a healthier vision of training our replacement?  It takes work and dedication.  But I'll give you a few tips.

If you go online and look up your favorite companies, on each business's website you'll find a Mission Statement.  A mission statement outlines the reason the business exists, it's goals and how it hopes to achieve them.

I'd like you to please take a moment to ask yourself, "What is the mission of my family?"  

It's okay if you have never thought about this before, you're thinking about it now.  This is a helpful tool to help get your family in sync.  It brings communication and closeness between all the members in the family.  Here's how:

• Gather the family and brainstorm a list of values, as many as you can think of!  Here's a starter set: Accountability, Commitment, Courage, Faith, Gratitude, Loyalty, Privacy, Promise Keeping, Respect, Responsibility, Self-restraint, Teamwork, Tradition.  There are many more, what are some that resonate with you and your family?
  
• Now that you have your list, ask everyone in the family to write down their top five values.  

• Let each person discuss why they chose each value - doing this as a round robin keeps the conversation going and avoids boredom and feeling lectured by the other family members.

• Pick between 4 and 6 values to incorporate in your mission statement.

• Write your statement using the values.  An example using a few values listed above would be: "In our family we value being respectful to one another, keeping our commitments, expressing gratitude, and remembering to walk in our faith.  We do this so we can enjoy our time together and be a positive influence on our friends and the world."
  

Now, consider writing a mission statement describing your family's identity (who you want to be) and purpose (what you want to achieve together).  Memorize it and review it regularly.  When needed, ask each other: "How does the decision we're making reflect our Mission?"

All the members of your family are invested in seeing it through, because all the members had a hand in creating it.  You are a family, you are a team.  

Support/Guidance.

It can be so easy to lose yourself in all your responsibilities as a parent.  To run around like a chicken with it's head cut off, or bury your head in the sand like an ostrich in fear.

Both of those analogies really creep up on you as life gets busier and busier, and the next thing you know you're in full throttle.  But you know what both of those examples have in common?  Isolation.  Neither of those feathered friends above are spending time getting refreshed by their peers.  

If you know about oxytocin, then you'll know that we were created to live in a loving connection with other people (and if you don't know about oxytocin: it's a hormone our bodies create to connect us to another person.  Primarily released during lactation & child birth to bond with the baby, and during orgasm with our lover - it keeps us longing for them when they are gone, and we are less likely to make love to another).  

You don't see many indigenous peoples living solitary lives, and they don't just create community in order to scare off predators or invaders.  Why is this?  As humans we long for community and relationship with our peers.  Research studies have shown that people survive heart attack surgeries most effectively when they have loving, supportive relationships in their lives - that people have healthier bodies, clearer minds, and an overall sense of joy when they connect to other adults in meaningful relationships.

If you are shy or nervous when going meet new people it can be helpful to tell yourself that you're doing it for your teen.

Having adult friendships helps you maintain seperateness and self-definition from your teen (mentioned in Part 2 of this series).  You are able to role model for your teen what healthy friendships look like (remember those teen years, some of those friendships were iffy).  If you are a single parent, it can occur that our children and teens can take on a friend or caregiver role to fulfill our need for friendship/companionship - having your own adult friends takes that burden from your teen (even if he's placed that responsibility upon himself under no influence from you).

When you have friends who have pre-teens, teens, or grown children they can give you perspectives you wouldn't have thought of on your own.  The cliche: it takes a village to raise a child - does not stop at the teen years.  

Plus, if your friends have teens you benefit two-fold: They might have anecdotes about the kids you haven't heard yet, so you get a little glimpse into who your teen is when you're not around.  Second, if you all spend time together at the same time (adults visit adults while teens visit teens) in the same home, you're still interacting with your teen while also getting the refreshing you so deeply need.  

This is a pivotal point that I think many, many parents overlook.  They think their martyrdom from social activities is proving they are devoted parents, but in the grand scheme of things better parents balance time at home and time with friends.

Boundaries.

Teens hear Who You Are more than they hear what you say.  They aren't looking for head knowledge, they want to learn through experience.  That means they are siphoning your verbal and non-verbal communication with them and with other people.  They are putting it in their gas tank to use later when they are with others or with you.

I'd like you to genuinely ask yourself: What are your priorities, and do you actually incorporate them into your life?  

Do you say your priority is your family, but then you work late most days?  Do you say that you value clean/sober living, but then laugh along with movies that have drug or alcohol abuse?  Do you say that you place a high importance on good grades, but the tv or radio is always on? 

Where does what you say and what you do connect and where do they separate?  

What happens when someone else in your life pushes your limit?  Do you give in?  Do you give in and gripe?  Are you politely firm when you decline?  

What happens when your teen breaks a rule?  Do you follow through with the consequence?  Do you give warning after warning with no follow through?  Do you come up with a consequence on the spot, then feel guilty for how harsh it was and renege later?

Whether it's a boundary in your family, work or social life, your teen is picking all of it up.  He's learning how far he can push you, and also he's learning how far to allow others to push him.  

When you exhibit healthy and appropriate boundaries, your teen will internalize those same boundaries.  You can know that when he's at school, work, or out with friends he won't be talked into doing something harmful, and you can also know he won't likely be as overly rebellious to seek out risky behaviors as he would be otherwise.

If you wonder if your boundaries are healthy and appropriate, may I suggest that you write a list of your boundaries and then talk to your friends, spouse or partner, or a therapist.  If someone suggests you might have too strong of a boundary, or too weak of one, you have a starting point to find out where the happy-medium lies.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/