"What do you mean, 'owning our choices?' Of course I own my choices!"

Here's the thing, the way we talk to ourselves and to other people can often lead us astray from authenticity and lead us to the same ol' path toward the self-preservation of using our mask.  We mostly do it to protect ourselves from ourselves.

What do I mean by that?

Well, we are humans and in our humanity we can tend to make bad choices.  In that humanity we can tend to be judgmental.  We can easily end up judging ourselves and then subconsciously fear others will judge us with that same standard (or worse).

So we bend the truth:

• "I didn't have time to get that done." = We had time.  We were burned out or tired, so we watched TV instead.  

• "I didn't realize the deadline was on this date." = We likely knew it was that date and if we didn't we were capable of reaching out and confirming the deadline.  We thought we could find flexibility, we have a difficulty with time management, or we were dreading it so we procrastinated and ran out of time.

• "Yes, I'll go to that event with you." or "Yes, I'll do that favor for you." = We wanted to say no, but couldn't think of a good reason not to do it, so we said yes.  Now we're going through the motions of the thing we said yes to, but we're doing it half-heartedly or with a resentful heart.

None of those examples are showing us in our best and most authentic light.  Most of the time we believe what we're saying while we're saying it.  We want to.  We need to.  If we felt we were lying then we'd feel too convicted, ouch. Right in the heart.  There's some truth to whatever it is we just said... so we say it and let it go.

But what if it looked like this instead:

• "I'm sorry, I didn't get it done.  I've been feeling really burned out lately and I just really needed to refresh so I could be at my best.  I plan on tackling it first thing on Monday."

• "I wasn't able to make the deadline, and I apologize.  I need one more day to finish, is that okay?"
  

• "That event sounds amazing, but I'm going to have to skip it this time." or "I feel for you that you need help with that thing (favor), but I just can't do it right now."

In none of those examples did we have to over-explain ourselves or bend the truth.  We owned it.

With the last bullet point where the person said yes to an event or favor but went about it half-heartedly or with some resentment I gave the bulleted example of saying no, but there are some times where saying yes is appropriate.  They've gone out of their way for you in the past or they're truly in need and while you don't really want to you know it's the right thing to do to say yes.  In that instance let your yes mean yes.

If you tell someone yes - then do it full-heartedly and without resentment.  You said yes.  It's not their fault that you made the choice to go with them when you weren't feeling it.  If you made the choice to say yes, then also make the choice to enjoy yourself.  Make the choice to pull yourself out of whatever mood you're in and try to find the good in the situation.  Is there a song playing you love and you can bop along to?  Is there a friend there that you usually enjoy seeing?  Are you going to be blessing someone with this favor and it feels good to pay it forward?  You chose to say yes to the friend and/or the event/favor - so then also choose to say yes to putting your best foot forward.  

Own your yes.

Yes is a choice.

No is a choice.

Own each one of those.

Let your yes mean yes, and your no mean no.  Own it.  Don't say one and mean the other, and then make the people around you pay the price for your inability to be authentic.

Let that sink in.  Marinate on it.  Hear yourself when you're bending the truth or using the wrong yes/no.  Let yourself have grace from judgment and just keep working on being real.  Being true to yourself and thereby true to others.

You'll be surprised at how much people respect this quality it the people around them.  It makes you trustworthy.  People respect trustworthy.

So, you've noticed some patterns in the way you interact with people in your life.  You've been becoming self-aware of negativity that comes out of your mouth and you're growing increasingly frustrated with yourself.  You never intended to become this person, but here you are.  

You want to change.  You want to be different.

But...

• But some of the people in your life are idiots and you can't help yourself when you respond with sarcasm.
• But there are some really rude folks at work and you feel like you have to fight fire with fire or else you'll get burned.
• ​But... there are also times where you're kind of the bully, and you're not super proud about it.

Ugh!  It's so frustrating because sometimes your quick wit and healthy self-esteem serve a greater purpose, and sometimes it douses you in the face!

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news: it's never serving the greater purpose.

People with self-control over the words they think and say actually have the upper hand when confronted with "idiots" and "rudeness."  Quick wit is wonderful when in a mutual debate or poetry slam, but using it as a defense mechanism is what is fueling the part of you that's unsafe.

It feels so much more vulnerable to pause and to take a pass.  Don't get me wrong, taking a pass doesn't mean lying down and taking abuse.  It means that you're rising higher and that you're better than the defensiveness that's boiling up inside of you.  It means that you're growing and that eventually you'll be far away from those "idiots" and "rude mongers."  Because when you stop the game with them you become boring to them.

So here's what it looks like to work on BECOMING safer:

Acknowledge hurt you've inflicted on the people in your inner circle: your spouse, child(ren), siblings, parents, whomever it is that's truly near and dear to you.  Is there a best friend who feels like a sibling?  They count, too.  

Tell them that you've been noticing how you've been pretty negative and you feel like you've been hurtful over the past (period of time).  Tell them that because you've noticed this you want to apologize for any ways you've been inappropriate and that you're really working on being self-aware and curbing this part of you.  

Know that it takes time, change happens slowly and relapse is a part of the change cycle - so you'll probably be unsafe again from time to time, but the intervals will get fewer and farther between.

The rest of the folks on the outskirts of  your inner circle, you can take them on a case-by-case basis.  You can just start trying to implement the self-awareness and let the relationship evolve on its own without your grand declaration.  

Tasks to facilitate change:

• Start looking for things to appreciate about others.  You don't have to tell them to their face (you can, but it's not necessary).  Just look for it and notice it: for example, "Janet is very conscientious about keeping her files in order, it's nice when I have to look through one of hers because I can find things right away." or "Melissa always has a smile on her face, even when the people around here are griping or snapping at each other."
• Start looking for things to appreciate about yourself and your changes, for example: "I'm drained at the end of the day after all this paying attention to my stuff while also trying to do my job. I'm kind of a rock star for it!" 
• Find things to compliment in the world at large.  "Wow, the city counsel has really been working hard for the past few years to make this part of town greener.  I can't wait until all those new trees get big and bushy."   

You might start feeling a little "Pollyanna" because it's new to you, and because people don't generally go around looking for all this positive.  But A.) you're trying to change so it takes a little extra, and B.) it feels like Pollyanna because you're not used to it.  People who are safe people are also people who regularly look for ways to build other up, even in small ways. 

But do you see that part there?  They LOOK for ways to build others up.  That's a verb.  A doing word.  It's a muscle that needs to be exercised so it becomes second nature.  It will eventually become natural to give a sincere "good job" and to allow negativity to flow from you like water off a duck's back.

Change is exhausting at first, I'll be honest.  So is starting a new exercise routine when you're out of shape.  But both of those things get easier with time, practice, and consistency.  You've got this!

I have been given a wonderful opportunity to host a live, call-in radio show to help our community with their questions regarding family, parenting and relationships.  It started today, September 15, 2014.

You can tune in every Monday at 12:30 pm on kkxx.net or if you're local on 104.5 FM/ 930 AM.

The 12:30 show is live, but if you don't have time during your lunch hour to listen, they play the recording again at 6:00 & 9:00 later that same evening.

Here is our first show ever!  I discussed "What is therapy,"  "Why would you go to therapy," and took a call from the father of a "rambunctious 4 year old boy".  

Remember, this is a Christian radio station, so there is a little discussion of faith in there.

Click Here to Listen!

Tell me, would you rather learn the consequence of procrastinating turning in a book report while you are in elementary or high school - or - would you rather experience the consequence of procrastinating a project at work as an adult, supporting a family?

Would you rather experience the consequence of getting kicked off a sports team in high school because you didn't keep your grade up or because you made a bad choice with a friend (stealing, cheating, bullying) - or - would you rather reap the consequence of similar behaviors when you're adult and you can lose a job or stand in front of a judge as an adult?

Let's look at these varying consequences:

• Not turning in a paper earns you an F for the paper or the class.  Maybe you have to repeat the class next year.  Maybe you're not allowed to try out for sports teams.  Maybe your parent grounds you or takes away your video games/cell phone.  
  

• Not turning in a project at work can get you demoted, written up, or fired.  You can't pay your bills.  You move back into your parents house.  
  

In either scenario, you learn the lesson to respect deadlines, right?  But which consequence would you rather to teach you that lesson?

WHEN WE ARE INCONSISTENT WITH OUR CHILDREN & TEENS WE ARE ROBBING THEM OF THE "EASIER" CONSEQUENCE.

Repeating a class is easier than losing your job, right?  Being kicked off a sports team is easier than jail, right?

So, when your child or teenager is rolling their eyes, trying to negotiate with you to get out of their consequence, asking you to cover for them when they failed to plan - just keep these scenarios in mind.  You won't be there when they are adults, they need to learn these lessons while you are still there to be their safety net and to help their egos navigate the consequences of their actions.

I have always felt that when parenting it's best (and easiest for me) to start with the least harsh consequence that works to change the behavior.  If you start out with guns blazing you'll have no where to go when the child/teen tests to see if you're bluffing.  If the easier consequence doesn't work, you can always go a little more strict until you've found something that works.

Some people just want to be the "nice parent" or the "buddy parent" - but consequences are part of boundaries, and they are a part of life.  Teaching your child to respect herself and respect others will go a very long way when she's responsible for navigating the big world all on her own someday.  Boundaries and consequences are one way a child/teen gauges "if you love them and are willing to do what it takes to keep them safe" - they don't act like it, and they certainly won't act like they appreciate it right now, but down in their subconscious they feel a sense of relief that they don't have to negotiate this world alone, and they know they need someone to help outline the boundary lines and teach cause & effect.

Grounded in their bedroom with the soft, comfy bed & personal belongings is so much nicer than being grounded in a jail cell, or grounded by demotions or job losses.  But that's just my perspective, and it's what keeps me strong when I have to deal with the natural insolence of the teenager who I love.

You can follow up with this topic in the article titled Boundaries in Parenting.
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Jessica Wilkerson also provides therapy to families, couples, individuals, children and teens.
To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Tuesday evenings 6:00-7:30 pm, now through June 24.  Chico Creek Counseling.

Beginning next week, I'm offering a 7 week group for parents of adolescents.  If you have a pre-teen or teenager and your relationship with him/her has been affected by their new sets of behaviors.  Is this happening:  One minute they are sweet talking you like when they were little, the next minute they're screaming at you that you don't know anything and you're so unfair?

Has there been a change in your teenager's life: divorce of parents, changing of schools, changing of friends, the new freedom of having a driver's license or job, drama with friends.

And have you noticed these changes have also created changes in your home life. It's affecting your teen, but it's also contributing to confusion and hurt feelings by the rest of the family, and you've been trying your best to figure things out and smooth them over.

You are NOT alone!

I have provided therapy to many, many junior high and high school kids.  I have provided a lot of family therapy: the parents, the child(ren), me, and the sofa.  It seems that so many similar themes play out in families during this time of restructuring.  Every family I work with is very unique, and yet still struggling in similar ways.

I've created a 6 week program to talk about topics that I see as reoccurring themes to help parents know what is in their power.  Where to give leeway, where to hold firm, and develop a little more understanding about what is going on in that teen brain!

The group is $25 per session.  However, because for me this group is more about helping families.  Helping teens by helping their parents.  Helping fellow parents keep their serenity.  Because I'm passionate for families, I'm not doing this group to grow rich in money, but rich in love and satisfaction of helping others.  The first parent in the family who attends pays $25, but the second parent is only $10 (plus, the first session you attend is free!)  

Parent can also be a grandparent or caregiver struggling with the behaviors in the home, and looking to be a support system for the family.

Please call or text (530) 921-5122 or email jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com to register.

Class schedule is as follows:

5/13 - What is going on in that brain?!?!  Discussion about the changes in the teen brain & how it
           affects behavior.
5/20 - Where did I go wrong?  No one is perfect all the time.  How guilt influences the way we
           parent, & how to shed guilt.
5/27 - Expectations.  Parent expectations, tween/teen expectations - where is the balance? 
6/3 -   Boundaries with Teens.  Where do you draw your line, and how do you hold to it?
6/10 - A Family on a Mission.  How to bring cohesion to your family so everyone is on track &
           going the same direction. 
6/17 - Does it sometimes feel like your family is in chaos?  Learn strategies & techniques for
           holding a family meeting and getting your teen invested in the rules & the decisions made
          during that meeting.
6/24 - Conversation Hour.  No particular topic.  What is the nagging thing that is still lingering in 
           your family, and you want to talk about with Jessica and with a few other parents.  
           Let's just sit, chat, and troubleshoot!

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

I really love teenagers.  They are so creative and funny!  If you want to have fun and laugh, just spend some time with a teen.  The weight of the world has never felt their shoulders.  

Sometimes though, raising one can be a bit more difficult than just spending a couple hours giggling... but you know this, or you wouldn't have googled and found this blog.

Ugggggg... if your teenager rolls her eyes at you one more time.... or says, "I knooooow" when you give an instruction - well, you might just find out if gypsies really do buy kids.  Sorry, all the folklore talks about is that they buy little ones - even the gypsies know better than to buy teenagers!  You're stuck with 'em!

That's okay, teens are actually really amazing people to know!  I don't know one single teen who doesn't add to the joy and wisdom of my life. 

Yes, raising one can be quite a different experience sometimes.  I know.  I have a 15 year old.  I love him to pieces, every last atom in his body has my heart.  But even as a psychotherapist who engages in the strategies I write here, there are those moments when I wish the gypsies had a 1-800 number.

I say that in jest, because I want you to know that I understand those feelings of loving someone so much, and also feeling alienated from them in certain ways.  But the work you put in right now will pay huge dividends now and when they are grown and have flown the nest.

Listen carefully, this is important:  Your teen learns how to respect you by the way that you respect them.

In my practice, I so often hear: "I'm the adult and what I say goes."  That's true, but how are you saying it?
.........................
This is a lengthy blog, and there are a lot of parent traps and the strategies to help in the body of this post below.  But I want to take a moment to tell you that YOU ARE AN AMAZING PARENT.  Do you know why I'm saying this?  Because you are trying.  You are googling.  You are reading.  You are seeking help.  You are engaged.  You are not just sitting back, complaining and expecting things to change.  You are here!  I admire and respect you for being here.  So, if you feel convicted in the bullet points below, I just want you to know that there is hope.
........................
Here are some unhealthy role modeling traps that parents fall into, and then don't understand why their teens are so disrespectful to them daily:

• Yelling across the house.  You're in one room, your spouse, teen, or child is in another room, and instead of getting up and walking into that room to tell them something you yell and expect them to not only hear you, but also accommodate you by stopping what they are doing to follow your instruction, now.

• Wanting it done, now.  When you're in the middle of something, can you just stop your task and divert your attention?  Cooking dinner, and switch gears immediately.  Folding clothes, and switch gears immediately.  Watching a tv show or reading a book, and switch gears now.  No?  Well, when you tell your teen to drop everything to do something that's just as difficult and insulting for them.  

• Telling them what to do and how to do it, without asking for input.  If your spouse, employer, or parent asks you for a favor and they want you to do it a certain way - but you might have a suggestion or thought on a better or different way to do the task, you want them to hear you out.  Parents often mis-think that they have the only right way to do something and they take it as a power struggle when their teen wants to do it differently.

• Power struggles.  Power struggles will happen, it's natural.  But they don't need to happen as often as they probably are.  "What I say goes, end of discussion"  or  "Because I'm the adult and I said so."  Sometimes you have to set down your foot, and when the power struggles are at a minimum in the home, these statements can sometimes work - but when that's the regular verbiage, you can kiss their effectiveness goodbye.

• You engage in those same annoying behaviors.  You roll your eyes.  You use sarcasm with your partner or kids when you're annoyed or frustrated.  You gossip about your teen or spouse to your friends when you're frustrated (while you're in hearing distance from the other members of your family).  You call names "You're such a brat."  "You're such a prima donna."  

Do you see any of these parenting traps happening in your family?  Do you hear yourself or your partner in any of these examples?  Before you read on, I would like you to take a moment to reflect on a time or two when this has happened in your home.

....

So now what?  I'll just go ahead and address the behavior patterns to engage in by addressing each of the parent traps according to their number listed above:

• Get uncomfortable.  You don't want your teenager shouting across the classroom to her friends.  You don't want to listen to your kids shouting to each other across the room, or shouting to you.  It's rude.  Just because we just sat down after a long day of work, doesn't mean that we have different rules of etiquette.  In fact, if we want our children or teens to talk to us with respect, we need to walk into the room they are in, make sure we have their attention and they are looking at us before we speak, and then tell them what it is we need from them.  No talking to the back of their head while they are on their phone or computer, wait the few minutes they need to pause what they are doing, and then speak.  You can start by saying, "I need you to pause what you're doing and listen to me, I have something quick to tell you."  And then wait for them to give you their attention.
  

• Wait.  We want and need them to wait for us before we can give them our attention.  We need others to wait for us to finish our task before we can switch gears and help them with their request.  We need to exhibit that same patience to our kids and teens.  It's okay to give them an appropriate time limit.  "You have three to five minutes to wrap up what you're doing and put your task on pause, I have a very important thing I need you to do and it needs to be done now."  Asking them to drop everything is a rude behavior that you don't want them expecting from you, from their friends, or from their teachers.  Just because we are the parent doesn't give us the right to be dictators.
  

• Get input.  It is the mission of the teen brain to come up with better ways to do things than their parents.  It's part of growing up and differentiating from us, the parental adults.  They aren't just looking for an easy way to get out of something (okay, sometimes they are) - but they are looking at ways to improve your method.  Use this to your advantage!  If it looks like they're looking for an easy-out, engage them in conversation.  "Why do you want to do it that way?"  "What will you do if it doesn't work out this way?"
  

• Refuse the power struggle.  You don't need to engage in coercion if they are refusing to obey a house rule.  Offer the option to enjoy the privileges that come from honoring the rules, or experience the logical consequence.  No bantering back and forth about it.  This might sound like the "because I'm the parent and I said so" example I stated as a parent trap power struggle.  However, usually when that phrase is uttered there's not the conversation of option: Option #1, enjoying privileges, or Option #2 experiencing consequence.  The ball is in their court, and you were polite and respectful when you reminded them of their options.

• Be self-aware.   Some of these annoying behaviors teenagers pick up from their friends and school peers.  But, some of these behaviors they learned from you.  Think of the body language your teen does that you abhor.  Really start paying attention to see how often you do those things.  You might have even picked it up from your teen, but that doesn't matter.  What matters is that you are the one teaching them how to argue, how to ask for things, how to handle disappointment, frustration, etc. - if you are rolling your eyes or turning and walking away during an argument, then you are responsible for showing your teen how to change behavior.

And lastly, have a sincere and honest conversation.  Tell your teenager that you have been struggling lately because you really feel like he/she has been really disrespectful.  That you noticed they do these certain things and you need to see the behaviors change.  

Then, ask your teen what things you do that makes them feel disrespected.  Hear them.  Take it in, even if you disagree.  Tell your teen that you will work hard to be self-aware and to work on these things, too.  You're in it together, you're a team, you might just need a few tweaks or you might have a long road.

Self yourself up for success.  Pick one thing to focus on and change at a time.  Rome wasn't built in a day.  Keep building the relationship (see the previous post titled Gaining Respect from Teens through Relationship Building), and focus on ONE of the bulleted points until you and your teen have developed a bit of mastery, and then move on to the next bullet together.

You will build a closer bond while also building respect and trust.

You've got this!!!

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

It kind of feels like... "Hey, I should already have respect from those kids!"  But you know those eye rolls, insolent answers and comments, and general lack of keeping their commitments all reeks of being disrespected.  You know they should respect you, but they sure haven't been acting like it lately.  What's up with that?

Just because you should receive that respectful behavior from them... doesn't mean you do.  And that's why you're reading this blog post, right?

It's so easy to get caught up in what our kids and teens should be doing.  But if we keep going around and around in those "shoulds" we'll never move forward - we need momentum and to propel those kids forward!  

Let's change the language from what they should be doing - to what they could be doing, or even what we'll teach them to be doing. 

This comes down to three things: relationship, modeling & expectations.  In this post, we'll focus on relationship.  We'll work out modeling and healthy expectations in the posts to follow.

Relationship.

Think back to your adolescence.  Who were your favorite, most respected school teachers?

The teachers who were burned out and always looking for the next kid to yell at, "Knock it off!"?
The teachers who were generally nice, went about their day, taught class, and just expected you to do the work and get a grade?
The teachers who knew you; who took time out to find out a few things about who you are, what you like, and then reference that when providing feedback on assignments?

My best bet: the teachers who you remember now that you're an adult is the teacher who knew and liked you for you, not for your grade, not for your popularity status, not for anything other that the fact that YOU were/are an amazing person and they saw that in you.  For those teachers you paid attention.  For those teachers you (gasp) studied!  You wanted to make them proud, and you wanted to prove them right!  You don't want to let them down by half-assed calling it in, no way!

Well, that is exactly the same for your teenager.

She's not the same girl she was in third grade when her favorite color was yellow and her favorite song was from Disney.  She isn't sure what her favorite color is, but she knows it's not yellow - heck no, yellow is the worse!  She isn't super sure what her favorite song is, there are so many good ones out there!  She used to talk your ear off in the car, and now she gives you one-word answers.

How do you have a relationship with that?  You've been trying!  She's just not giving you anything to work with!

Okay, then we have a starting place!  Don't do what you've been doing.  Stop it.  Right now.

The more you press her, the more she resents you being nosey.  She thinks you have an agenda.  Do you like it when someone is being nice to you in order to accomplish their agenda?  Okay, well that is how your dear, sweet angel is interpreting your questioning.

Offer pieces of yourself.  Show her how to open up by letting her know that you believe she is a safe person and a worthy person.  You aren't the same parent she knew when she was 8, either.  You were pretty infallible back then, and suddenly you don't have all the answers and you aren't the shining beacon of amazingness she once thought you were - I know, your imperfect humanity is becoming clearer - so now you get to show her how to be imperfect, respectfully.

Engage your teen in activities that you will both like, and with no ulterior motives.  So no bribing her: "If you go mini-golfing with me, then I'll let you go to the malt shop with your boyfriend."  Tell your teen how much fun you have with her and that you just can't wait until you get to go do this fun thing together.  IGNORE the eye rolling or complaints.  She has to do that.  Her ego can't admit how much she wants to be wanted by you, her ego wants independence.  

Engaging ideas that seem to work for me with my teen:

• Go to a movie, and then follow up with a meal or ice cream to talk about our favorite parts.
• Watch funny youtube videos together.  Later, during regular life interactions, reference the jokes and comedy.
• Brainstorm ideas for the upcoming weekend or school break.  It takes patience and a little coercion, but I've found saying "I don't want the whole weekend to be all about what I want to do, I want you to get to do some of the things you want to do, too."  Then if the suggestions from the teen are: "stay home and have quiet time in the bedroom and/or go visit friends."  A response that works for me is, "I totally get it, you're around people all the time at school, and you can't really hang out with your friends when you're there.  I really think you're a cool person and I like hanging out with you.  I'll feel much better about giving you your private time and your 'friend-time' if you and I get to do something fun together, too.  What do you suggest?"  Then he can trust that he'll get his needs met, and also help decide on what to do together.
• Play a video game with her - usually one from the 80s or early/mid 90s because those are the ones in my comfort and skill levels.  Tekken (button mashing) or tetris.

What are some of the things that your teen might be able to engage in with you?  Make sure the activity is something you will both enjoy - you can't build relationships with someone by doing something they hate.

I love hiking.  My son hates hiking.  When I'm in relationship building mode, I don't choose hiking. 

I do, however, make him go hiking with us as a family because teens also need to learn that they don't always get to do only the things they like to do.  It's much easier to get my teen to go hiking if I have invested in relationship building first!!

The point here is that when you build a relationship with your teenager they will be more invested  in maintaining your approval and maintaining harmony within the parent/child relationship.  They will be more able to take in your guidance in modeling, and they will want to reach your expectations.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Continued from: As Parents... (Part 2)  and  As Parents... It's Not All About Them: What Do WE Need to be Happy?  (Part 1)

Mission.

A family is not a business.  But in many ways the aspects of the business model is indeed incorporated into the family dynamic.  The parents could be considered the managerial staff: keeping the accounting books in the black, restocking supplies, general overview and running of the mill.  The children or teens; however, are not mere employees doing their due diligence to get the work cranked out.  Nothing would get done if we had those sorts of expectations!

Instead, I like to think of the parent/teen scenario as the parents being the dept. managers who are about to retire or be promoted, and they are training their teens to be their replacement. 

Offices sure do run better when the manager sticks around to train his replacement, rather than controlling every aspect until the last minute and then throwing the new guy on the job only half-ready or not at all.  There's a ripple effect affecting everyone in the business when things of that nature happen, and there's a similar effect when teens leave the nest without the proper training.

So how do we change our thinking from "I'm in charge, I'm the boss,and I say what goes" to a healthier vision of training our replacement?  It takes work and dedication.  But I'll give you a few tips.

If you go online and look up your favorite companies, on each business's website you'll find a Mission Statement.  A mission statement outlines the reason the business exists, it's goals and how it hopes to achieve them.

I'd like you to please take a moment to ask yourself, "What is the mission of my family?"  

It's okay if you have never thought about this before, you're thinking about it now.  This is a helpful tool to help get your family in sync.  It brings communication and closeness between all the members in the family.  Here's how:

• Gather the family and brainstorm a list of values, as many as you can think of!  Here's a starter set: Accountability, Commitment, Courage, Faith, Gratitude, Loyalty, Privacy, Promise Keeping, Respect, Responsibility, Self-restraint, Teamwork, Tradition.  There are many more, what are some that resonate with you and your family?
  
• Now that you have your list, ask everyone in the family to write down their top five values.  

• Let each person discuss why they chose each value - doing this as a round robin keeps the conversation going and avoids boredom and feeling lectured by the other family members.

• Pick between 4 and 6 values to incorporate in your mission statement.

• Write your statement using the values.  An example using a few values listed above would be: "In our family we value being respectful to one another, keeping our commitments, expressing gratitude, and remembering to walk in our faith.  We do this so we can enjoy our time together and be a positive influence on our friends and the world."
  

Now, consider writing a mission statement describing your family's identity (who you want to be) and purpose (what you want to achieve together).  Memorize it and review it regularly.  When needed, ask each other: "How does the decision we're making reflect our Mission?"

All the members of your family are invested in seeing it through, because all the members had a hand in creating it.  You are a family, you are a team.  

Support/Guidance.

It can be so easy to lose yourself in all your responsibilities as a parent.  To run around like a chicken with it's head cut off, or bury your head in the sand like an ostrich in fear.

Both of those analogies really creep up on you as life gets busier and busier, and the next thing you know you're in full throttle.  But you know what both of those examples have in common?  Isolation.  Neither of those feathered friends above are spending time getting refreshed by their peers.  

If you know about oxytocin, then you'll know that we were created to live in a loving connection with other people (and if you don't know about oxytocin: it's a hormone our bodies create to connect us to another person.  Primarily released during lactation & child birth to bond with the baby, and during orgasm with our lover - it keeps us longing for them when they are gone, and we are less likely to make love to another).  

You don't see many indigenous peoples living solitary lives, and they don't just create community in order to scare off predators or invaders.  Why is this?  As humans we long for community and relationship with our peers.  Research studies have shown that people survive heart attack surgeries most effectively when they have loving, supportive relationships in their lives - that people have healthier bodies, clearer minds, and an overall sense of joy when they connect to other adults in meaningful relationships.

If you are shy or nervous when going meet new people it can be helpful to tell yourself that you're doing it for your teen.

Having adult friendships helps you maintain seperateness and self-definition from your teen (mentioned in Part 2 of this series).  You are able to role model for your teen what healthy friendships look like (remember those teen years, some of those friendships were iffy).  If you are a single parent, it can occur that our children and teens can take on a friend or caregiver role to fulfill our need for friendship/companionship - having your own adult friends takes that burden from your teen (even if he's placed that responsibility upon himself under no influence from you).

When you have friends who have pre-teens, teens, or grown children they can give you perspectives you wouldn't have thought of on your own.  The cliche: it takes a village to raise a child - does not stop at the teen years.  

Plus, if your friends have teens you benefit two-fold: They might have anecdotes about the kids you haven't heard yet, so you get a little glimpse into who your teen is when you're not around.  Second, if you all spend time together at the same time (adults visit adults while teens visit teens) in the same home, you're still interacting with your teen while also getting the refreshing you so deeply need.  

This is a pivotal point that I think many, many parents overlook.  They think their martyrdom from social activities is proving they are devoted parents, but in the grand scheme of things better parents balance time at home and time with friends.

Boundaries.

Teens hear Who You Are more than they hear what you say.  They aren't looking for head knowledge, they want to learn through experience.  That means they are siphoning your verbal and non-verbal communication with them and with other people.  They are putting it in their gas tank to use later when they are with others or with you.

I'd like you to genuinely ask yourself: What are your priorities, and do you actually incorporate them into your life?  

Do you say your priority is your family, but then you work late most days?  Do you say that you value clean/sober living, but then laugh along with movies that have drug or alcohol abuse?  Do you say that you place a high importance on good grades, but the tv or radio is always on? 

Where does what you say and what you do connect and where do they separate?  

What happens when someone else in your life pushes your limit?  Do you give in?  Do you give in and gripe?  Are you politely firm when you decline?  

What happens when your teen breaks a rule?  Do you follow through with the consequence?  Do you give warning after warning with no follow through?  Do you come up with a consequence on the spot, then feel guilty for how harsh it was and renege later?

Whether it's a boundary in your family, work or social life, your teen is picking all of it up.  He's learning how far he can push you, and also he's learning how far to allow others to push him.  

When you exhibit healthy and appropriate boundaries, your teen will internalize those same boundaries.  You can know that when he's at school, work, or out with friends he won't be talked into doing something harmful, and you can also know he won't likely be as overly rebellious to seek out risky behaviors as he would be otherwise.

If you wonder if your boundaries are healthy and appropriate, may I suggest that you write a list of your boundaries and then talk to your friends, spouse or partner, or a therapist.  If someone suggests you might have too strong of a boundary, or too weak of one, you have a starting point to find out where the happy-medium lies.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Continued from: As Parents... It's Not All About Them: What Do WE Need to be Happy?  (Part 1)

Guilt.

I want to talk to you about guilt.  It's so ugly and destructive.  It tears down every piece of you.

When you parent from a place of guilt, you are also parenting from a place of powerlessness and unworthiness.  Have you ever met someone who operated from those spaces?  Maybe a coworker, boss, fellow student, or just an acquaintance when you took your child to the park?  What did you think of them?  Did their persona elicit respect, admiration, or love because they were so humble?  Guilt ≠ Humility.

It's easy to look back on our life and ruminate on the things we've done wrong, and it's even easier to beat ourselves up over parenting mistakes (some of those mistakes might be huge).  But this is important: Carrying the burden of guilt around does not make you a better parent.

This is your permission, from a psychotherapist, to release your guilt.

Guilt is your mind thinking about you.  How you feel about what happened.  How you impacted someone else negatively.  The guilt in your mind is pointing its finger at you, You, YOU (or me, Me, ME, however you read it).  

Guilt is self-centered.  Guilt says, "I did something wrong.  I am bad.  I am injured.  I need to be nurtured to heal."  So... I did something wrong works its way around to I need compassion.  It's all about the person who did the wrong and is carrying the guilt.  Guilt is greedy.  We both know from experience that effective parenting is anything but greedy or self-centeredness.

Remorse, on the other hand, is other-centered.  You mourn the other person.  You mourn what happened to them and what they experienced.  When you're feeling remorse over something that has happened to your child/teen, then you're also focusing on helping them heal.  With remorse you can grieve the thing that happened, and you can move on to repair the relationship. Remours says, "I did something wrong.  This person is hurting because of what happened.  How can I make this right and help them?"  Remorse moves you forward in your relationship, guilt keeps you stuck in a spiral of self-degradation.

So face up to it.  Know that you are human, humans are imperfect, and imperfections can run deep.  Apologize to your child/teen for what you caused and put the focus on how your beloved child feels (not how you feel).  And when you are forgiven - allow yourself to forgive you, too.

Compassion.

Full disclosure: as I write this, I have a 15 year old son.  I have a Master of Arts degree in Counseling Psychology, I provide psychotherapy and parenting skill-building for a living, and have a deep spiritual connection to God.

But just like you, I'm human.

And sometimes... my frustration gets the better of me.

From time to time, I'm tempted to ask my teen "WHAT were you thinking?" or, "I told you if you didn't start your homework earlier you wouldn't finish.  That bad grade is all your fault."   Those thoughts have been known to go through my head for a split second.  But what good would that do for my teen?  How would that prepare him for interacting with the world when he's an adult?  That would be my ego wanting control and acknowledgement, and his error is about him and not about me.  

As adults, how much do we need others to be there for us and to support us, even when we make a bad decision?  How much do we need our friends, family and partners?  Now, imagine being a teenager and needing that support equally or more.

There are enough "I told you so" people out in this world, our kids don't need those at home, too.

What influences a teen's ability to grow into a person who empathize with others is the amount of empathy and compassion he received when he made errors in judgement.  When he operated from his humanness.  

Connecting with the way it feels to mess up, let someone down, be let down, miscalculate a time schedule, feel unheard, be unable to articulate how you feel when you're feeling lousy - connecting with those feelings within you as a parent helps to stifle the "I told you so" button that you want to press when your teen didn't heed your sound advice and instead did it his way.  

Remember how powerless you felt when you were under everyone else's rules and expectations, and then something didn't go your way or you messed up.  It didn't feel good.

Compassion during times of tumult will not only keep peace in your home, but it will also draw your teen closer to you.  It makes you a safe person.  It makes you someone they can confide in when they are angry, sad or frustrated.  Teens feel resentful when the parent who was there for them as children is suddenly not as accessible because their expectations and reactions have shifted.  

As a parent, swallowing our pride and letting our teen own their misery, being there to listen and gently guide them into an appropriate response, and remembering not to take ownership over their mistake or their feelings goes a long way (miles long).

Self-Definition.

Your child is now a teen, and all the goals and aspirations you had for him are on the cusp of being attained.  It feels like he's at the ninth hour and it's make-it or break-it time.  If he can just maneuver his way through these last couple years, make good decisions, then it will be smooth sailing and all those dreams you had for him will come true.

But guess what.  You don't get to define your teen.  I know, it's so disappointing.  I'm there with you.  I remember tucking in the little guy at night and just imagining all the great things he could grow up to become.

And while, this isn't about my own son, but rather about that I can relate to those pulling, heart-breaking feelings when your teen resists and wants to do what he wants to do.  Dye his hair blue.  Quit track and field even though he's loved it all his life.  Play a lot more video games than you'd like him to play.  Yeah, those were not the images I had of him as a teen when he was 8 years old.

He gets to define himself.  He can be guided, and as parents we can (and should) put appropriate limits on the ways our teens choose to experiment with self-definition.  But we don't get to define our teenagers for them.

This portion of the article is not about defining our teens.  

It's about defining ourselves: as people (not as parents).  You get to define you.  Finally!

Who are you?  What do you stand for?  What are your non-negotiable values for this life?  What goals do you have and what are you doing to achieve them?

When you, as a parent and person, have a strong definition of who you are and what you stand for, your teen can see you as a cornerstone.  You can be the foundation that allows them to test the waters of their own identity.  They can trust that your "yes" means "yes" and your "no" means "no", and there is something very reassuring in knowing the ground beneath them is solid and holds their best interests.

When you have separated your self-definition from your teen's you can stand back and allow them to make mistakes without the need to rescue (who are you rescuing, them or yourself?).  You can respond appropriately without getting caught up in the teenage angst and drama.  You know that your identity and your ego is not threatened by their lapse in judgement.

You can have peace.  And best of all, you can provide peace.

This series continues:  As Parents... (Part 3)

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

The parenting class tonight was amazing!  The folks who attended were interactive, we discussed the adolescent brain, and ways we as parents can play an instrumental role in creating a culture at home to help guide their teens into making good choices.

One thing we didn't discuss was Mirror Neurons (hence the title of this blog being called Mirror, Mirror).  This is such an interesting and important topic that I could have an entire 90 minute class dedicated on this subject alone.  Because we did not discuss it tonight, I wanted to take a few minutes to address it here.  What are they?  Why does it make a difference for me to know about them?

What is a Mirror Neuron?  It's a neuron in the brain that fires off when it witnesses something happening to someone else.  Have you noticed that you'll often cross your legs when the person you're talking to crosses theirs?  Or if someone scratches their head you have a sudden itch and need to scratch yours?  My favorite: I always hold my breath when I'm watching a movie and the actor is under water, I hold my breath with them as if I can keep them living a little longer under there - it's not conscious, I don't realize I'm doing it until I start realizing I'm running out of breath.  I bet you do it too, don't you?

So, now you know that you have this crazy set of neurons causing you to subconsciously play copy cat with the other people in your life - but what does it really mean to you?

Well, it means that you have empathy.  You can put yourself in their shoes.  

You can even use it to your advantage to control them (sort of) - please do this benevolently with kindness and love.

How do you do this, and with whom, you ask?  With your children, with your spouse, with all the people in your life.

When you walk into the room and someone is having a bad day, they're grumpy and they grunt at you - your mirror neurons pick up on it and you have an instinct to grunt back, and be grumpy that they made you grumpy.  -OR- You can hijack their grump.  You can plug into their mirror neurons and get them to copy you and your mood.

You can't get someone to go from zero to sixty, but you can get them from zero to ten, then maybe to thirty, and so on until after a little while their cruising down the highway of your good mood.

Be kind.  Smile.  Ask if they need to talk.  Give them space if they ask for it, but do something kind for them such as bringing them a glass of water, a blanket for their lap, or a snack.  Just a gesture that respects their boundaries while offers their mirror neurons something to latch onto.

Are you going to let other people hijack you into a bad mood, or will you be the one to make the shift?  

Having the self-awareness to know what's happening and the intention to decide what mood is going to rule truly makes all the difference in your relationships.  Try little experiments here and there on coworkers and family members, try to get their mirror neurons to mimic your good mood.  Can you think of a few things to try?

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/