Introducing EMDR Intensives!

What are the various options for EMDR?

Many EMDR sessions are provided during a typical 50 minute therapy session.  When we schedule to engage EMDR during a client's usual appointment time, we hit the ground running and we get a lot of healing done during that hour.

When EMDR was created, it was implemented in 90 minute sessions.  I still believe this is the most effective form, but in today's fast paced world it can be difficult for clients to carve out the extra time during their work day.  

EMDR Intensives are multiple EMDR sessions within the period of one or more days.  These are specialty sessions that are full days of healing the traumatic experiences of a person's distant or more current past.  

It's a global pandemic right now and it feels like that's all anyone wants to talk about on the news, on the radio, on tv, and in person.  But then you have all the various memes telling you to enjoy yourself, go on walks, read books, do yoga.  Then there are the guilt inducing memes about how fabulous it is to have the extra time with your kids to engage in arts and crafts.

And the self-care tips.

Ughhhhhh... all the self-care tips!

Here's a self-care tip: Do it.

That thing you're wanting to do.  Do it.

• Are you feeling like vegging out watching reality tv and eating Doritos?  Go for it.
• Do you want to throw away everything in your garage because you're sick of the clutter? That mess isn't sparking joy?  I think the dump is still open, Home Depot rents pickup trucks for about $20, and you probably have some sort of disinfecting agent to wipe down what you touch in public - throw it all out if you want.
• Are the people in your house being fed?  Do they get an adequate amount of your attention most of the time?  Can they hear the word "no" and still survive?  Ok.

You don't have to be superparent and you don't have to be superspouse.  Just because you're single doesn't mean you need to organize your closets.

You're fine just the way you are.

I'm a therapist and I'm already burned out on how everyone is creating all this hype about how to get through a pandemic the "right way."  There's no right way, people.

Don't neglect your children if you have them, but you don't need to make them the end-all, be-all of all the moments of your days either.  They can have a balance of your attention sometimes and being bored other times (so long as they're safe and sound).  You get to have a balance of being with your kids, enjoying them, and also doing what you need to do for you (which isn't necessarily dishes - unless you're like me and love listening to podcasts when you clean and really the only time you get to listen to podcasts is when you clean... so your house is often a mess because who has time for a podcast with all these kids and while working remotely during a pandemic?)

I'm on the pulse of the therapy meme universe, and I'm getting a little riled up about it, so I wanted to make a post telling people not to buy what those memes are selling.  You don't need strangers who make images adding guilt into your life - they don't know you and they definitely don't deserve space in your mind or your heart.  You've got this!

Written by Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #104464

Owner and clinicial supervisor of Inspired Life Counseling in Chico CA.

You can set an appointment with here by going to this page.

Anxiety in children can often take on the characteristics of other disorders and can be “misdiagnosed” by the people in the child’s life: parents, family members, teachers, etc.  This is because children don’t have the ability to conceptualize and articulate what’s going on intrapsychically for themselves. A child identifies, “I don’t feel good.” They don’t identify the sense of foreboding, or feeling of “waiting for the other shoe to drop.”  They can’t figure out why they feel this way, but they want the feeling to stop and they’ll do anything to make that happen.

To stop the anxiety they might refuse to participate in an activity.  They could seem keyed-up or restless. They might isolate themselves and fight their parent tooth and nail to keep from engaging in whatever the parent wants them to do (go to school, do homework, get dressed, leave the house, etc).  They might create little rituals that seem like OCD.

All these behaviors can be mistaken for ADHD, ODD, and OCD.  The child seems out of control.

But what’s really going on under the surface?

Has this child heard about or witnessed an event that may have put themselves or someone they love in jeopardy?  This can happen and then the child begins to worry excessively about it happening again. If a classmate is injured or a family friend goes to the hospital the child may have processed this event in such a way that he/she is worried that the event could occur again, and this time it will happen tragically in their own life.  This child might become clingy to a parent, have nightmares, be aggressive to peers or adults, create rituals, and/or have meltdowns. The common denominator here is that the child is trying to find a way to exert control in his/her life in order to keep themselves safe or keep a loved one safe. They are feeling scared and powerless over safety issues and so they do the only things they know how to do… and it’s not intellectual articulation of their fears.

Does this child have a concept in his/her mind that is hurtful and they are trying to cope and avoid the situation?  Let’s say this child has decided they have two left feet, and that they’re terrible at sports. Let’s say they’re average, neither good nor bad.  But every time it’s nearly P.E. they start getting a headache or a stomachache. Every time it’s recess they suddenly become engrossed in their drawing and they ask the teacher if they can stay in the classroom, and if the teacher has things to do and tells the child they must go outside then the child has a meltdown because they think they’ll have to be athletic on recess.

It might look like they are trying to get their way.  It might look manipulative. But these avoidance behaviors are an effort not to get to do a different thing or to have control over someone else, but they’re usually in response to something negative they’re telling themselves about engaging in situations.  Then, self-fulfilling prophecy kicks in - they go to the school nurse for their stomach ache during PE, they don’t keep practicing the sport during their P.E. class, the classmates improve their skill and camaraderie, and the child’s self-image of not being good at sports is reinforced.  So the following day, as it gets closer to P.E. his/her headache comes on sooner or stronger and they need to skip again.  
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Do you just let kids skip class subjects because of their anxiety?  It depends. Sometimes sitting with a tutor until the child’s sense of competence has elevated can be really helpful.  Sometimes discovering the maladaptive script the child is repeating in their mind and then providing contradictory statements to build confidence is what’s needed.  Sometimes having the child talk with a therapist can do wonders. Sometimes all three together can create synergy. Personally, I’d start wherever the child is the most comfortable - they might be too embarrassed for a tutor, but they’ll talk to you or talk to a therapist.  They might be more closed and unwilling to talk, but they’d sit with a tutor and learn while the tutor also points out how smart they are or how far they’ve come so they can start to look at themselves differently.

When engaging with a child who might have anxiety (or any of the other disorders) it’s important to maintain your sense of compassion.  This child didn’t ask for this. They didn’t look at a menu of behaviors or mental health issues and request it, even though it often FEELS like they’re being willfully defiant.  

They just know that they “don’t feel good.” and they are guessing at why - and usually they’re wrong, but they’re trying.  Find your own inner peace, try your hardest to be present and to ask and listen to what they need in that moment and find a way to compromise so they get their needs met, but still follow an amended request.  Ex: Your child doesn’t want to go to school, you ask why, they don’t know or won’t tell you, then you ask what they need. They say they need to stay home. That won’t work, you have a job to go to and it’s the law they go to school.  You are calm and relaxed and you say, “I hear you that it’s hard to be at school all day and you want to stay home. Unfortunately, I have to go to work and I can’t stay home with you - and you’re too little to stay home alone all day.  So is there something else you need to help you feel better about going to school?”  

This is where the child might make a request: different shoes, new pencils, cold lunch, to be picked up early, etc.  Then keep it in your mind that they aren’t asking for these things because they “just want them” but because somehow this request is intended to keep them safe from a perceived danger.  Work with your child on how to meet their need, and while doing so continue to assess and build them up in their self-efficacy.

Patience.   Breathing. Being present.  Compassion. 

Anxiety is hard for grownups.  Can you imagine being little and experiencing that big feeling?

For more information and a bulleted list of symptoms on Anxiety in children click here.

Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #104464

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Jessica Wilkerson works in Chico, California where she helps adults, teens and children learn to listen to their emotions and listen to their bodies so they can develop coping skills for their anxiety and flip it so the amount of joy in their lives exceeds anxiety.  In life there will be stressors, but how we cope with them determines our resilience and happiness in the long run.  To contact Jessica for an appointment please call/text her at (530) 994-5114 or email her at jdw@jessicawilkerson.com

Sometimes a traumatic thing will happen and you'll bounce right back after a bit, but sometimes it sticks with you.  Bits and pieces that pop back in.  Body reactions that you don't know where they came from - sudden panic, sweating, recurring thoughts about death or injury.  Unhealthy responses to people and situations that are similar to or bring up memories about a horrible time in your life.

The theory of EMDR is that these memories didn't fully process and instead are still connected to the emotions that you were experiencing at the time of the event.  Now, when you think about or talk about what happened those emotions take over.  You cry, you get angry, you become afraid, and then you respond to yourself and to others from that state of mind.  It might even be affecting your marriage, parenting, or friendships.

EMDR is a well researched technique and it's believed that how it works is to help transfer those memories from the emotional and creative thinking side of your brain over to the more concrete thinking part of your brain.  The result is that when you think about, talk about, or are in similar situations you can be the one in control of your emotions, not the other way around.

It's not a quick fix.  It doesn't work for everyone.  But I've seen some incredible changes and I've had clients who report a lot of healing.

Here's the description from the official EMDR website.

Here's an interesting youtube video.

If you want to talk about your situation and assess if EMDR would be helpful for you, then please feel free to give me a call at (530) 994-5114 or send me an email at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.

Tuesday evenings 6:00-7:30 pm, now through June 24.  Chico Creek Counseling.

Beginning next week, I'm offering a 7 week group for parents of adolescents.  If you have a pre-teen or teenager and your relationship with him/her has been affected by their new sets of behaviors.  Is this happening:  One minute they are sweet talking you like when they were little, the next minute they're screaming at you that you don't know anything and you're so unfair?

Has there been a change in your teenager's life: divorce of parents, changing of schools, changing of friends, the new freedom of having a driver's license or job, drama with friends.

And have you noticed these changes have also created changes in your home life. It's affecting your teen, but it's also contributing to confusion and hurt feelings by the rest of the family, and you've been trying your best to figure things out and smooth them over.

You are NOT alone!

I have provided therapy to many, many junior high and high school kids.  I have provided a lot of family therapy: the parents, the child(ren), me, and the sofa.  It seems that so many similar themes play out in families during this time of restructuring.  Every family I work with is very unique, and yet still struggling in similar ways.

I've created a 6 week program to talk about topics that I see as reoccurring themes to help parents know what is in their power.  Where to give leeway, where to hold firm, and develop a little more understanding about what is going on in that teen brain!

The group is $25 per session.  However, because for me this group is more about helping families.  Helping teens by helping their parents.  Helping fellow parents keep their serenity.  Because I'm passionate for families, I'm not doing this group to grow rich in money, but rich in love and satisfaction of helping others.  The first parent in the family who attends pays $25, but the second parent is only $10 (plus, the first session you attend is free!)  

Parent can also be a grandparent or caregiver struggling with the behaviors in the home, and looking to be a support system for the family.

Please call or text (530) 921-5122 or email jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com to register.

Class schedule is as follows:

5/13 - What is going on in that brain?!?!  Discussion about the changes in the teen brain & how it
           affects behavior.
5/20 - Where did I go wrong?  No one is perfect all the time.  How guilt influences the way we
           parent, & how to shed guilt.
5/27 - Expectations.  Parent expectations, tween/teen expectations - where is the balance? 
6/3 -   Boundaries with Teens.  Where do you draw your line, and how do you hold to it?
6/10 - A Family on a Mission.  How to bring cohesion to your family so everyone is on track &
           going the same direction. 
6/17 - Does it sometimes feel like your family is in chaos?  Learn strategies & techniques for
           holding a family meeting and getting your teen invested in the rules & the decisions made
          during that meeting.
6/24 - Conversation Hour.  No particular topic.  What is the nagging thing that is still lingering in 
           your family, and you want to talk about with Jessica and with a few other parents.  
           Let's just sit, chat, and troubleshoot!

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

"This teenager is old enough to know better."  "My teen should be able to do x, y, z, and they should be able to do it right the first time!"

You're right.  They probably are.  

You know your kids.

But there are a few things you might not know.  In a previous blog I discuss brain pruning. During the second dozen years of life (age 12-24) the brain is going through a full re-model (think of remodeling your house, but switch it out for a brain).   The teen brain is literally killing brain cells that the brain thinks might not be very necessary for the future in order to make room for new learning.  You'll have a teenager who is given an instruction to do a certain chore - a chore they've done a hundred times before, and suddenly they don't know how.  They only get half the steps right, and leave the other half incomplete.  When asked why they didn't do the chore up to snuff, they shrug and say they forgot.

They really did forget.  They aren't putting you on or blowing you off.

It's infuriating!  You know they know how to do it.  Grrrrrrr...  But they don't.  Their brain pruned it.  

You'll need to role model patience and compassion, and show them the steps to the task again.  Give your teenager the option of trying the task again and doing it the way you just showed them, or they can choose to experience a logical consequence.  They might give you a little lip about not wanting to do the chore over, but you were polite and compassionate, and you even gave them the option not to finish... while experiencing a consequence.  The principle here is they get to make that choice, and once the choice is made you can feel good about the outcome.

Sometimes as parents we get confused.  We have expectations that can be so variable.  We expect them to behave responsibly and act like mini-adults.  Then we expect them to obey us unwaveringly like they are children.  We expect them to voice their opinion, but we also expect them to go along with our directions.  

We expect them to spend quality time with the family.
We expect them to attend to their studies.
We expect them to get part time jobs.
We expect them to join sports.
We expect them to engage in youth group at church.
We expect them to have healthy social lives.
We expect them to help with chores around the house.
We expect them to be personable and pleasant to be around.
We expect them to love us like they did when they were little.
We expect them to have adult conversations with us about their life, feelings, friends, etc.
We expect them to drop everything and do what we need them to get done, when we need it done.

Then, their teachers have a set of expectations.  Their friends have a set of expectations.  Their bosses & coworkers have a set of expectations.  Their coaches have a set of expectations.  
So on, and so forth.

Oh goodness, I'm exhausted! No wonder teenagers rebel!  Who can live under all those expectations!  Who can live up to that?  Plus they have new emotions and goals that weren't there before, and they have to balance these with everyone else's expectation of what they should do and who they should be.

Have you read the blog about Gaining Respect from your Teen through Relationship Building?  This is where that strategy comes in so importantly.  When you have built that relationship and you have that foundation, you both have more compassion and empathy for one another.  Your teen is invested in rising to the level to meet some of these expectations, and you can see that some of these expectations are just too lofty and need to be lowered.

It would be wonderful if you could think of your expectations for your teen.  Make your list, then try to add five more expectations.  You likely have hidden expectations that you don't even realize are there.  Add five to your list.  You can do it, I believe in you!

Pick out the top few expectations that are non-negotiable.  Then look at a few that you could maybe lower.  When you show someone a bit of flexibility, they feel heard, understood, and valued.  

Have a discussion with your teen about the exercise you just did.  Ask them if this is an accurate reflection, or if they have any more expectations they feel they are living up to - and then talk about it.  How can you help them sculpt their day and week to live up to the non-negotiables while also satisfying everything else they have on their plate and providing some relaxation time to decompress.

I surely hope this posting has given you a bit of insight for your teen.  I know that you love him/her.  You wouldn't be reading this if you weren't an amazing parent who just wants to do right by your child and have a happy home life.  So much of this is happening under the surface and we have been operating the best we know how; but now, you have a few more tools in your tool belt.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

The parenting class tonight was amazing!  The folks who attended were interactive, we discussed the adolescent brain, and ways we as parents can play an instrumental role in creating a culture at home to help guide their teens into making good choices.

One thing we didn't discuss was Mirror Neurons (hence the title of this blog being called Mirror, Mirror).  This is such an interesting and important topic that I could have an entire 90 minute class dedicated on this subject alone.  Because we did not discuss it tonight, I wanted to take a few minutes to address it here.  What are they?  Why does it make a difference for me to know about them?

What is a Mirror Neuron?  It's a neuron in the brain that fires off when it witnesses something happening to someone else.  Have you noticed that you'll often cross your legs when the person you're talking to crosses theirs?  Or if someone scratches their head you have a sudden itch and need to scratch yours?  My favorite: I always hold my breath when I'm watching a movie and the actor is under water, I hold my breath with them as if I can keep them living a little longer under there - it's not conscious, I don't realize I'm doing it until I start realizing I'm running out of breath.  I bet you do it too, don't you?

So, now you know that you have this crazy set of neurons causing you to subconsciously play copy cat with the other people in your life - but what does it really mean to you?

Well, it means that you have empathy.  You can put yourself in their shoes.  

You can even use it to your advantage to control them (sort of) - please do this benevolently with kindness and love.

How do you do this, and with whom, you ask?  With your children, with your spouse, with all the people in your life.

When you walk into the room and someone is having a bad day, they're grumpy and they grunt at you - your mirror neurons pick up on it and you have an instinct to grunt back, and be grumpy that they made you grumpy.  -OR- You can hijack their grump.  You can plug into their mirror neurons and get them to copy you and your mood.

You can't get someone to go from zero to sixty, but you can get them from zero to ten, then maybe to thirty, and so on until after a little while their cruising down the highway of your good mood.

Be kind.  Smile.  Ask if they need to talk.  Give them space if they ask for it, but do something kind for them such as bringing them a glass of water, a blanket for their lap, or a snack.  Just a gesture that respects their boundaries while offers their mirror neurons something to latch onto.

Are you going to let other people hijack you into a bad mood, or will you be the one to make the shift?  

Having the self-awareness to know what's happening and the intention to decide what mood is going to rule truly makes all the difference in your relationships.  Try little experiments here and there on coworkers and family members, try to get their mirror neurons to mimic your good mood.  Can you think of a few things to try?

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

I was at a seminar by Dr. Daniel Siegel not that long ago and he said, "Teenagers are like waterfalls.  You can't stop them, but you can help to direct their energy."  Or, it was something to that effect.

If you think back to your own teen years, you'll probably remember your parents telling you to do things and not to do other things.  You might remember that you listened and obeyed sometimes, and others you likely thought your parents just "didn't get it" and you did it anyway.  Those memories are so long ago, and when the event or thought happened it was so inconsequential that we don't easily pull it up as adults. 

But do you remember the other adults in your life?  Youth group leaders, sports coaches, favorite teachers, after school job employers... do you remember how you responded when they requested you to start or stop a task?  It was with a little more grace and a bit more respect, even if you didn't want to do it.  What was the difference?

Can we use this memory today when working with our own teens?  YES!

Usually, the reason teens have more "attitude" at home than they do in public is two-fold:

1) You have provided a safe space for them to speak their mind.  I know, good parenting sometimes feels like the old cliche "No good deed goes unpunished".  But your teen needs to learn how to respectfully decline and put up boundaries.  They don't always have the confidence to tell other people no without ruining relationships - so they comply (but really, is compliance with outside influences always a good idea? More on that another day).  At home, they know they will continue to be loved and valued even if they disagree.  

To you, reader, parent, caregiver, I want to say KUDOS!  Great job for providing a home where someone can feel so loved and valued that they also feel free to have an "attitude."  It means you've worked really hard for many years, and now your efforts are evident.

2) Brains.  Dr. Siegel also gives a wonderful analogy likening the adolescent brain to a house that's being remodeled.  In the child's brain you had your starter home, but as time changes and your family changes that home is just not going to fit anymore.  You remodel.  There is dust everywhere, holes where walls used to be, you're turning a few rooms into closets and pushing other walls out to expand your favorite, most used rooms.

The fancy, science terms for this is called Pruning and Myelination.  The adolescent brain is Pruning away, cutting back nerves, clusters of nerves, and just generally cleaning out what it won't need when it's finishing the remodel - Spring cleaning lasting a decade!  Myelination is when the brain is creating connections and cementing down memories (this can be both good and bad memories, behaviors, attitudes, etc.).

When your teen is forgetful and you know they know how to do something, they're not putting you on - their brains pruned it, it's gone.  They need to re-learn that task, and then they need to do it enough times that it myelinates.  When I think of Myelin, I think of the little piece of plastic at the end of a shoelace.  The first time you learn something it's just the shoelace by itself, but each time you learn it you get another piece of plastic coating cementing the memory and making it easier and easier for your brain to slide right to it again.

So what now?  Patience.  Grace.  And a LOT of teaching, role modeling and role playing.  Your job isn't done, now you get to use that safe space you worked so hard to create to help guide their waterfall energy so they know the appropriate ways to decline something not good for them and how to determine the times to comply.  Sometimes just knowing it isn't about your teen not liking you anymore, and knowing that they don't actually know about their remodel (can you imagine remodeling your home and not having any idea it's happening or what the house will look like when it's finished - pretty scary!) is enough information to give you to take a deep breath, find your patience, and show them again how to do their task properly or to remind and role model how to speak to you respectfully.  

Reader, you've gotten this far, YOU CAN DO IT!