Emotional Intelligence is the ability to tune into your own emotion and identify it – the ability to respond to your emotions appropriately – and the ability to connect to the emotions of others.
 
Let’s break this down:
 
Tuning In and Identifying Your Emotions.:

Anger and Righteous Indignation are big ones that are hard to see beyond.  They’re the big wall.  They tell you that you have this big emotion and you don’t have any responsibility to curb that emotion, because it’s the world’s/other person’s fault.  But usually, if you were to sit in the quiet of your anger then you’d realize it was also disappointment, frustration, guilt, shame, confusion, disillusionment, sadness, etc.  Those are all emotions that make you vulnerable, so anger rides in on its white stallion to allow you to feel the “bigness” of the emotion without feeling the accompanying vulnerability of it.

A person with developed Emotional Intelligence can feel that anger or righteous indignation, and know that there’s probably something else under it.  They can feel the anger while also searching for the other emotion and feel that one as well, knowing both are valid, even if they’re uncomfortable.
 
Responding to Your Emotions Appropriately:

Some people will feel ashamed of their big emotions and will hide them, stuff them down, cope in unhealthy ways.  Some folks will engage in horrible self talk, lash out, or use sarcasm to hurt others who they deep down feel have been hurtful to them. Some will “wear their heart on their sleeve” and inappropriately disclose or emote in situations that would have best been avoided if they had connected to their emotions and declined the invitation.  However, responding to your emotions appropriately means having the self-control to stop the sabotaging inner voice or unhealthy behavior.  To fight against it if you see it there.
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Responding appropriately means crying when you’re bereaved.  It means going for a fast-paced walk when you’re angry.  It means talking calmly to the person who disappointed you to let them know how you feel about the situation and giving them an opportunity to rectify it.  And it means saying “no thank you” to a party invitation when you’re struggling with something emotionally and you won’t be able to shake it off while you’re there.
 
Connecting to the Emotions of Others:

This is different from empathy (which is basically being able to feel the emotion someone else is feeling).  Connecting to the emotions of others is being able to identify what someone might be feeling and knowing what they can handle in the moment.  Someone is crying about the death of their beloved pet, they are not in a place to handle joking, criticism, guilt, or other negative interactions that will compound their bereavement.  You don’t have to feel their feeling to know that they can’t emotionally take on certain other emotions (that’s why it’s different from empathy). 

A person with Emotional Intelligence can identify what someone is experiencing emotionally and then respond with appropriateness. 
 
Emotional Intelligence is something that is taught during childhood.  Your parent, teachers, friends, and friends’ parents all take part in helping a child learn how to identify their own feelings, others’ feelings, and then coach them how to respond.  Some kids are born into families in which the parents aren’t very connected to emotional intelligence, so they don’t have that role modeling or coaching.  They might not have the other close relationships with other adults either.  Then those kids grow up to become adults with poor emotional intelligence.

Those folks are difficult to be married to: they pile it on when things are already hard, they don’t understand why you’re so sad about something and tease you about it at the worst times.  They are difficult to have as colleagues or friends because to them you should just “grow up.”

Whether you’re the spouse, friend, or colleague who needs to improve your emotional intelligence or if you’re in a relationship with someone the good news is that you can hone this skill.  You’re not doomed to be on the outskirts of your heart or society.  This is doable.

This is something that can be worked on in therapy since each person has their own strengths and barriers to their emotional intelligence.  It’s something that is worked on through stories in your past and present, and rewriting the narrative from your past and honing skills to use today.
 
Emotional Intelligence is a topic I feel pretty strongly about and love helping people through.  If you ever want to sit down with me as one of my clients please feel free to contact me at (530) 994-5114 or email me at [email protected]

Sometimes a traumatic thing will happen and you'll bounce right back after a bit, but sometimes it sticks with you.  Bits and pieces that pop back in.  Body reactions that you don't know where they came from - sudden panic, sweating, recurring thoughts about death or injury.  Unhealthy responses to people and situations that are similar to or bring up memories about a horrible time in your life.

The theory of EMDR is that these memories didn't fully process and instead are still connected to the emotions that you were experiencing at the time of the event.  Now, when you think about or talk about what happened those emotions take over.  You cry, you get angry, you become afraid, and then you respond to yourself and to others from that state of mind.  It might even be affecting your marriage, parenting, or friendships.

EMDR is a well researched technique and it's believed that how it works is to help transfer those memories from the emotional and creative thinking side of your brain over to the more concrete thinking part of your brain.  The result is that when you think about, talk about, or are in similar situations you can be the one in control of your emotions, not the other way around.

It's not a quick fix.  It doesn't work for everyone.  But I've seen some incredible changes and I've had clients who report a lot of healing.

Here's the description from the official EMDR website.

Here's an interesting youtube video.

If you want to talk about your situation and assess if EMDR would be helpful for you, then please feel free to give me a call at (530) 994-5114 or send me an email at [email protected].

Tuesday evenings 6:00-7:30 pm, now through June 24.  Chico Creek Counseling.

Beginning next week, I'm offering a 7 week group for parents of adolescents.  If you have a pre-teen or teenager and your relationship with him/her has been affected by their new sets of behaviors.  Is this happening:  One minute they are sweet talking you like when they were little, the next minute they're screaming at you that you don't know anything and you're so unfair?

Has there been a change in your teenager's life: divorce of parents, changing of schools, changing of friends, the new freedom of having a driver's license or job, drama with friends.

And have you noticed these changes have also created changes in your home life. It's affecting your teen, but it's also contributing to confusion and hurt feelings by the rest of the family, and you've been trying your best to figure things out and smooth them over.

You are NOT alone!

I have provided therapy to many, many junior high and high school kids.  I have provided a lot of family therapy: the parents, the child(ren), me, and the sofa.  It seems that so many similar themes play out in families during this time of restructuring.  Every family I work with is very unique, and yet still struggling in similar ways.

I've created a 6 week program to talk about topics that I see as reoccurring themes to help parents know what is in their power.  Where to give leeway, where to hold firm, and develop a little more understanding about what is going on in that teen brain!

The group is $25 per session.  However, because for me this group is more about helping families.  Helping teens by helping their parents.  Helping fellow parents keep their serenity.  Because I'm passionate for families, I'm not doing this group to grow rich in money, but rich in love and satisfaction of helping others.  The first parent in the family who attends pays $25, but the second parent is only $10 (plus, the first session you attend is free!)  

Parent can also be a grandparent or caregiver struggling with the behaviors in the home, and looking to be a support system for the family.

Please call or text (530) 921-5122 or email [email protected] to register.

Class schedule is as follows:

5/13 - What is going on in that brain?!?!  Discussion about the changes in the teen brain & how it
           affects behavior.
5/20 - Where did I go wrong?  No one is perfect all the time.  How guilt influences the way we
           parent, & how to shed guilt.
5/27 - Expectations.  Parent expectations, tween/teen expectations - where is the balance? 
6/3 -   Boundaries with Teens.  Where do you draw your line, and how do you hold to it?
6/10 - A Family on a Mission.  How to bring cohesion to your family so everyone is on track &
           going the same direction. 
6/17 - Does it sometimes feel like your family is in chaos?  Learn strategies & techniques for
           holding a family meeting and getting your teen invested in the rules & the decisions made
          during that meeting.
6/24 - Conversation Hour.  No particular topic.  What is the nagging thing that is still lingering in 
           your family, and you want to talk about with Jessica and with a few other parents.  
           Let's just sit, chat, and troubleshoot!

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at [email protected].  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

I really love teenagers.  They are so creative and funny!  If you want to have fun and laugh, just spend some time with a teen.  The weight of the world has never felt their shoulders.  

Sometimes though, raising one can be a bit more difficult than just spending a couple hours giggling... but you know this, or you wouldn't have googled and found this blog.

Ugggggg... if your teenager rolls her eyes at you one more time.... or says, "I knooooow" when you give an instruction - well, you might just find out if gypsies really do buy kids.  Sorry, all the folklore talks about is that they buy little ones - even the gypsies know better than to buy teenagers!  You're stuck with 'em!

That's okay, teens are actually really amazing people to know!  I don't know one single teen who doesn't add to the joy and wisdom of my life. 

Yes, raising one can be quite a different experience sometimes.  I know.  I have a 15 year old.  I love him to pieces, every last atom in his body has my heart.  But even as a psychotherapist who engages in the strategies I write here, there are those moments when I wish the gypsies had a 1-800 number.

I say that in jest, because I want you to know that I understand those feelings of loving someone so much, and also feeling alienated from them in certain ways.  But the work you put in right now will pay huge dividends now and when they are grown and have flown the nest.

Listen carefully, this is important:  Your teen learns how to respect you by the way that you respect them.

In my practice, I so often hear: "I'm the adult and what I say goes."  That's true, but how are you saying it?
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This is a lengthy blog, and there are a lot of parent traps and the strategies to help in the body of this post below.  But I want to take a moment to tell you that YOU ARE AN AMAZING PARENT.  Do you know why I'm saying this?  Because you are trying.  You are googling.  You are reading.  You are seeking help.  You are engaged.  You are not just sitting back, complaining and expecting things to change.  You are here!  I admire and respect you for being here.  So, if you feel convicted in the bullet points below, I just want you to know that there is hope.
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Here are some unhealthy role modeling traps that parents fall into, and then don't understand why their teens are so disrespectful to them daily:

• Yelling across the house.  You're in one room, your spouse, teen, or child is in another room, and instead of getting up and walking into that room to tell them something you yell and expect them to not only hear you, but also accommodate you by stopping what they are doing to follow your instruction, now.

• Wanting it done, now.  When you're in the middle of something, can you just stop your task and divert your attention?  Cooking dinner, and switch gears immediately.  Folding clothes, and switch gears immediately.  Watching a tv show or reading a book, and switch gears now.  No?  Well, when you tell your teen to drop everything to do something that's just as difficult and insulting for them.  

• Telling them what to do and how to do it, without asking for input.  If your spouse, employer, or parent asks you for a favor and they want you to do it a certain way - but you might have a suggestion or thought on a better or different way to do the task, you want them to hear you out.  Parents often mis-think that they have the only right way to do something and they take it as a power struggle when their teen wants to do it differently.

• Power struggles.  Power struggles will happen, it's natural.  But they don't need to happen as often as they probably are.  "What I say goes, end of discussion"  or  "Because I'm the adult and I said so."  Sometimes you have to set down your foot, and when the power struggles are at a minimum in the home, these statements can sometimes work - but when that's the regular verbiage, you can kiss their effectiveness goodbye.

• You engage in those same annoying behaviors.  You roll your eyes.  You use sarcasm with your partner or kids when you're annoyed or frustrated.  You gossip about your teen or spouse to your friends when you're frustrated (while you're in hearing distance from the other members of your family).  You call names "You're such a brat."  "You're such a prima donna."  

Do you see any of these parenting traps happening in your family?  Do you hear yourself or your partner in any of these examples?  Before you read on, I would like you to take a moment to reflect on a time or two when this has happened in your home.

....

So now what?  I'll just go ahead and address the behavior patterns to engage in by addressing each of the parent traps according to their number listed above:

• Get uncomfortable.  You don't want your teenager shouting across the classroom to her friends.  You don't want to listen to your kids shouting to each other across the room, or shouting to you.  It's rude.  Just because we just sat down after a long day of work, doesn't mean that we have different rules of etiquette.  In fact, if we want our children or teens to talk to us with respect, we need to walk into the room they are in, make sure we have their attention and they are looking at us before we speak, and then tell them what it is we need from them.  No talking to the back of their head while they are on their phone or computer, wait the few minutes they need to pause what they are doing, and then speak.  You can start by saying, "I need you to pause what you're doing and listen to me, I have something quick to tell you."  And then wait for them to give you their attention.
  

• Wait.  We want and need them to wait for us before we can give them our attention.  We need others to wait for us to finish our task before we can switch gears and help them with their request.  We need to exhibit that same patience to our kids and teens.  It's okay to give them an appropriate time limit.  "You have three to five minutes to wrap up what you're doing and put your task on pause, I have a very important thing I need you to do and it needs to be done now."  Asking them to drop everything is a rude behavior that you don't want them expecting from you, from their friends, or from their teachers.  Just because we are the parent doesn't give us the right to be dictators.
  

• Get input.  It is the mission of the teen brain to come up with better ways to do things than their parents.  It's part of growing up and differentiating from us, the parental adults.  They aren't just looking for an easy way to get out of something (okay, sometimes they are) - but they are looking at ways to improve your method.  Use this to your advantage!  If it looks like they're looking for an easy-out, engage them in conversation.  "Why do you want to do it that way?"  "What will you do if it doesn't work out this way?"
  

• Refuse the power struggle.  You don't need to engage in coercion if they are refusing to obey a house rule.  Offer the option to enjoy the privileges that come from honoring the rules, or experience the logical consequence.  No bantering back and forth about it.  This might sound like the "because I'm the parent and I said so" example I stated as a parent trap power struggle.  However, usually when that phrase is uttered there's not the conversation of option: Option #1, enjoying privileges, or Option #2 experiencing consequence.  The ball is in their court, and you were polite and respectful when you reminded them of their options.

• Be self-aware.   Some of these annoying behaviors teenagers pick up from their friends and school peers.  But, some of these behaviors they learned from you.  Think of the body language your teen does that you abhor.  Really start paying attention to see how often you do those things.  You might have even picked it up from your teen, but that doesn't matter.  What matters is that you are the one teaching them how to argue, how to ask for things, how to handle disappointment, frustration, etc. - if you are rolling your eyes or turning and walking away during an argument, then you are responsible for showing your teen how to change behavior.

And lastly, have a sincere and honest conversation.  Tell your teenager that you have been struggling lately because you really feel like he/she has been really disrespectful.  That you noticed they do these certain things and you need to see the behaviors change.  

Then, ask your teen what things you do that makes them feel disrespected.  Hear them.  Take it in, even if you disagree.  Tell your teen that you will work hard to be self-aware and to work on these things, too.  You're in it together, you're a team, you might just need a few tweaks or you might have a long road.

Self yourself up for success.  Pick one thing to focus on and change at a time.  Rome wasn't built in a day.  Keep building the relationship (see the previous post titled Gaining Respect from Teens through Relationship Building), and focus on ONE of the bulleted points until you and your teen have developed a bit of mastery, and then move on to the next bullet together.

You will build a closer bond while also building respect and trust.

You've got this!!!

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at [email protected].  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Continued from: As Parents... (Part 2)  and  As Parents... It's Not All About Them: What Do WE Need to be Happy?  (Part 1)

Mission.

A family is not a business.  But in many ways the aspects of the business model is indeed incorporated into the family dynamic.  The parents could be considered the managerial staff: keeping the accounting books in the black, restocking supplies, general overview and running of the mill.  The children or teens; however, are not mere employees doing their due diligence to get the work cranked out.  Nothing would get done if we had those sorts of expectations!

Instead, I like to think of the parent/teen scenario as the parents being the dept. managers who are about to retire or be promoted, and they are training their teens to be their replacement. 

Offices sure do run better when the manager sticks around to train his replacement, rather than controlling every aspect until the last minute and then throwing the new guy on the job only half-ready or not at all.  There's a ripple effect affecting everyone in the business when things of that nature happen, and there's a similar effect when teens leave the nest without the proper training.

So how do we change our thinking from "I'm in charge, I'm the boss,and I say what goes" to a healthier vision of training our replacement?  It takes work and dedication.  But I'll give you a few tips.

If you go online and look up your favorite companies, on each business's website you'll find a Mission Statement.  A mission statement outlines the reason the business exists, it's goals and how it hopes to achieve them.

I'd like you to please take a moment to ask yourself, "What is the mission of my family?"  

It's okay if you have never thought about this before, you're thinking about it now.  This is a helpful tool to help get your family in sync.  It brings communication and closeness between all the members in the family.  Here's how:

• Gather the family and brainstorm a list of values, as many as you can think of!  Here's a starter set: Accountability, Commitment, Courage, Faith, Gratitude, Loyalty, Privacy, Promise Keeping, Respect, Responsibility, Self-restraint, Teamwork, Tradition.  There are many more, what are some that resonate with you and your family?
  
• Now that you have your list, ask everyone in the family to write down their top five values.  

• Let each person discuss why they chose each value - doing this as a round robin keeps the conversation going and avoids boredom and feeling lectured by the other family members.

• Pick between 4 and 6 values to incorporate in your mission statement.

• Write your statement using the values.  An example using a few values listed above would be: "In our family we value being respectful to one another, keeping our commitments, expressing gratitude, and remembering to walk in our faith.  We do this so we can enjoy our time together and be a positive influence on our friends and the world."
  

Now, consider writing a mission statement describing your family's identity (who you want to be) and purpose (what you want to achieve together).  Memorize it and review it regularly.  When needed, ask each other: "How does the decision we're making reflect our Mission?"

All the members of your family are invested in seeing it through, because all the members had a hand in creating it.  You are a family, you are a team.  

Support/Guidance.

It can be so easy to lose yourself in all your responsibilities as a parent.  To run around like a chicken with it's head cut off, or bury your head in the sand like an ostrich in fear.

Both of those analogies really creep up on you as life gets busier and busier, and the next thing you know you're in full throttle.  But you know what both of those examples have in common?  Isolation.  Neither of those feathered friends above are spending time getting refreshed by their peers.  

If you know about oxytocin, then you'll know that we were created to live in a loving connection with other people (and if you don't know about oxytocin: it's a hormone our bodies create to connect us to another person.  Primarily released during lactation & child birth to bond with the baby, and during orgasm with our lover - it keeps us longing for them when they are gone, and we are less likely to make love to another).  

You don't see many indigenous peoples living solitary lives, and they don't just create community in order to scare off predators or invaders.  Why is this?  As humans we long for community and relationship with our peers.  Research studies have shown that people survive heart attack surgeries most effectively when they have loving, supportive relationships in their lives - that people have healthier bodies, clearer minds, and an overall sense of joy when they connect to other adults in meaningful relationships.

If you are shy or nervous when going meet new people it can be helpful to tell yourself that you're doing it for your teen.

Having adult friendships helps you maintain seperateness and self-definition from your teen (mentioned in Part 2 of this series).  You are able to role model for your teen what healthy friendships look like (remember those teen years, some of those friendships were iffy).  If you are a single parent, it can occur that our children and teens can take on a friend or caregiver role to fulfill our need for friendship/companionship - having your own adult friends takes that burden from your teen (even if he's placed that responsibility upon himself under no influence from you).

When you have friends who have pre-teens, teens, or grown children they can give you perspectives you wouldn't have thought of on your own.  The cliche: it takes a village to raise a child - does not stop at the teen years.  

Plus, if your friends have teens you benefit two-fold: They might have anecdotes about the kids you haven't heard yet, so you get a little glimpse into who your teen is when you're not around.  Second, if you all spend time together at the same time (adults visit adults while teens visit teens) in the same home, you're still interacting with your teen while also getting the refreshing you so deeply need.  

This is a pivotal point that I think many, many parents overlook.  They think their martyrdom from social activities is proving they are devoted parents, but in the grand scheme of things better parents balance time at home and time with friends.

Boundaries.

Teens hear Who You Are more than they hear what you say.  They aren't looking for head knowledge, they want to learn through experience.  That means they are siphoning your verbal and non-verbal communication with them and with other people.  They are putting it in their gas tank to use later when they are with others or with you.

I'd like you to genuinely ask yourself: What are your priorities, and do you actually incorporate them into your life?  

Do you say your priority is your family, but then you work late most days?  Do you say that you value clean/sober living, but then laugh along with movies that have drug or alcohol abuse?  Do you say that you place a high importance on good grades, but the tv or radio is always on? 

Where does what you say and what you do connect and where do they separate?  

What happens when someone else in your life pushes your limit?  Do you give in?  Do you give in and gripe?  Are you politely firm when you decline?  

What happens when your teen breaks a rule?  Do you follow through with the consequence?  Do you give warning after warning with no follow through?  Do you come up with a consequence on the spot, then feel guilty for how harsh it was and renege later?

Whether it's a boundary in your family, work or social life, your teen is picking all of it up.  He's learning how far he can push you, and also he's learning how far to allow others to push him.  

When you exhibit healthy and appropriate boundaries, your teen will internalize those same boundaries.  You can know that when he's at school, work, or out with friends he won't be talked into doing something harmful, and you can also know he won't likely be as overly rebellious to seek out risky behaviors as he would be otherwise.

If you wonder if your boundaries are healthy and appropriate, may I suggest that you write a list of your boundaries and then talk to your friends, spouse or partner, or a therapist.  If someone suggests you might have too strong of a boundary, or too weak of one, you have a starting point to find out where the happy-medium lies.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at [email protected].  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Continued from: As Parents... It's Not All About Them: What Do WE Need to be Happy?  (Part 1)

Guilt.

I want to talk to you about guilt.  It's so ugly and destructive.  It tears down every piece of you.

When you parent from a place of guilt, you are also parenting from a place of powerlessness and unworthiness.  Have you ever met someone who operated from those spaces?  Maybe a coworker, boss, fellow student, or just an acquaintance when you took your child to the park?  What did you think of them?  Did their persona elicit respect, admiration, or love because they were so humble?  Guilt ≠ Humility.

It's easy to look back on our life and ruminate on the things we've done wrong, and it's even easier to beat ourselves up over parenting mistakes (some of those mistakes might be huge).  But this is important: Carrying the burden of guilt around does not make you a better parent.

This is your permission, from a psychotherapist, to release your guilt.

Guilt is your mind thinking about you.  How you feel about what happened.  How you impacted someone else negatively.  The guilt in your mind is pointing its finger at you, You, YOU (or me, Me, ME, however you read it).  

Guilt is self-centered.  Guilt says, "I did something wrong.  I am bad.  I am injured.  I need to be nurtured to heal."  So... I did something wrong works its way around to I need compassion.  It's all about the person who did the wrong and is carrying the guilt.  Guilt is greedy.  We both know from experience that effective parenting is anything but greedy or self-centeredness.

Remorse, on the other hand, is other-centered.  You mourn the other person.  You mourn what happened to them and what they experienced.  When you're feeling remorse over something that has happened to your child/teen, then you're also focusing on helping them heal.  With remorse you can grieve the thing that happened, and you can move on to repair the relationship. Remours says, "I did something wrong.  This person is hurting because of what happened.  How can I make this right and help them?"  Remorse moves you forward in your relationship, guilt keeps you stuck in a spiral of self-degradation.

So face up to it.  Know that you are human, humans are imperfect, and imperfections can run deep.  Apologize to your child/teen for what you caused and put the focus on how your beloved child feels (not how you feel).  And when you are forgiven - allow yourself to forgive you, too.

Compassion.

Full disclosure: as I write this, I have a 15 year old son.  I have a Master of Arts degree in Counseling Psychology, I provide psychotherapy and parenting skill-building for a living, and have a deep spiritual connection to God.

But just like you, I'm human.

And sometimes... my frustration gets the better of me.

From time to time, I'm tempted to ask my teen "WHAT were you thinking?" or, "I told you if you didn't start your homework earlier you wouldn't finish.  That bad grade is all your fault."   Those thoughts have been known to go through my head for a split second.  But what good would that do for my teen?  How would that prepare him for interacting with the world when he's an adult?  That would be my ego wanting control and acknowledgement, and his error is about him and not about me.  

As adults, how much do we need others to be there for us and to support us, even when we make a bad decision?  How much do we need our friends, family and partners?  Now, imagine being a teenager and needing that support equally or more.

There are enough "I told you so" people out in this world, our kids don't need those at home, too.

What influences a teen's ability to grow into a person who empathize with others is the amount of empathy and compassion he received when he made errors in judgement.  When he operated from his humanness.  

Connecting with the way it feels to mess up, let someone down, be let down, miscalculate a time schedule, feel unheard, be unable to articulate how you feel when you're feeling lousy - connecting with those feelings within you as a parent helps to stifle the "I told you so" button that you want to press when your teen didn't heed your sound advice and instead did it his way.  

Remember how powerless you felt when you were under everyone else's rules and expectations, and then something didn't go your way or you messed up.  It didn't feel good.

Compassion during times of tumult will not only keep peace in your home, but it will also draw your teen closer to you.  It makes you a safe person.  It makes you someone they can confide in when they are angry, sad or frustrated.  Teens feel resentful when the parent who was there for them as children is suddenly not as accessible because their expectations and reactions have shifted.  

As a parent, swallowing our pride and letting our teen own their misery, being there to listen and gently guide them into an appropriate response, and remembering not to take ownership over their mistake or their feelings goes a long way (miles long).

Self-Definition.

Your child is now a teen, and all the goals and aspirations you had for him are on the cusp of being attained.  It feels like he's at the ninth hour and it's make-it or break-it time.  If he can just maneuver his way through these last couple years, make good decisions, then it will be smooth sailing and all those dreams you had for him will come true.

But guess what.  You don't get to define your teen.  I know, it's so disappointing.  I'm there with you.  I remember tucking in the little guy at night and just imagining all the great things he could grow up to become.

And while, this isn't about my own son, but rather about that I can relate to those pulling, heart-breaking feelings when your teen resists and wants to do what he wants to do.  Dye his hair blue.  Quit track and field even though he's loved it all his life.  Play a lot more video games than you'd like him to play.  Yeah, those were not the images I had of him as a teen when he was 8 years old.

He gets to define himself.  He can be guided, and as parents we can (and should) put appropriate limits on the ways our teens choose to experiment with self-definition.  But we don't get to define our teenagers for them.

This portion of the article is not about defining our teens.  

It's about defining ourselves: as people (not as parents).  You get to define you.  Finally!

Who are you?  What do you stand for?  What are your non-negotiable values for this life?  What goals do you have and what are you doing to achieve them?

When you, as a parent and person, have a strong definition of who you are and what you stand for, your teen can see you as a cornerstone.  You can be the foundation that allows them to test the waters of their own identity.  They can trust that your "yes" means "yes" and your "no" means "no", and there is something very reassuring in knowing the ground beneath them is solid and holds their best interests.

When you have separated your self-definition from your teen's you can stand back and allow them to make mistakes without the need to rescue (who are you rescuing, them or yourself?).  You can respond appropriately without getting caught up in the teenage angst and drama.  You know that your identity and your ego is not threatened by their lapse in judgement.

You can have peace.  And best of all, you can provide peace.

This series continues:  As Parents... (Part 3)

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at [email protected].  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

The parenting class tonight was amazing!  The folks who attended were interactive, we discussed the adolescent brain, and ways we as parents can play an instrumental role in creating a culture at home to help guide their teens into making good choices.

One thing we didn't discuss was Mirror Neurons (hence the title of this blog being called Mirror, Mirror).  This is such an interesting and important topic that I could have an entire 90 minute class dedicated on this subject alone.  Because we did not discuss it tonight, I wanted to take a few minutes to address it here.  What are they?  Why does it make a difference for me to know about them?

What is a Mirror Neuron?  It's a neuron in the brain that fires off when it witnesses something happening to someone else.  Have you noticed that you'll often cross your legs when the person you're talking to crosses theirs?  Or if someone scratches their head you have a sudden itch and need to scratch yours?  My favorite: I always hold my breath when I'm watching a movie and the actor is under water, I hold my breath with them as if I can keep them living a little longer under there - it's not conscious, I don't realize I'm doing it until I start realizing I'm running out of breath.  I bet you do it too, don't you?

So, now you know that you have this crazy set of neurons causing you to subconsciously play copy cat with the other people in your life - but what does it really mean to you?

Well, it means that you have empathy.  You can put yourself in their shoes.  

You can even use it to your advantage to control them (sort of) - please do this benevolently with kindness and love.

How do you do this, and with whom, you ask?  With your children, with your spouse, with all the people in your life.

When you walk into the room and someone is having a bad day, they're grumpy and they grunt at you - your mirror neurons pick up on it and you have an instinct to grunt back, and be grumpy that they made you grumpy.  -OR- You can hijack their grump.  You can plug into their mirror neurons and get them to copy you and your mood.

You can't get someone to go from zero to sixty, but you can get them from zero to ten, then maybe to thirty, and so on until after a little while their cruising down the highway of your good mood.

Be kind.  Smile.  Ask if they need to talk.  Give them space if they ask for it, but do something kind for them such as bringing them a glass of water, a blanket for their lap, or a snack.  Just a gesture that respects their boundaries while offers their mirror neurons something to latch onto.

Are you going to let other people hijack you into a bad mood, or will you be the one to make the shift?  

Having the self-awareness to know what's happening and the intention to decide what mood is going to rule truly makes all the difference in your relationships.  Try little experiments here and there on coworkers and family members, try to get their mirror neurons to mimic your good mood.  Can you think of a few things to try?

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at [email protected].  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

In my last blog I referenced Dr. Daniel Siegel's analogy of teens being like waterfalls.  Well, in this blog I'm talking a little more about the good work he has put into studying the adolescent mind.  Dr. Siegel has come up with an acronym to describe the qualities in a teen brain that need to be ignited in order for them to thrive and become the self-actualizing adults who go for the gold.

That's what we want for our kids right?  Go for the gold!  Be successful in love, friendships, business and family.  Be happy.  Don't struggle financially.  Have stability in all their relationships - romance and friendships.  We want them to grow up so that we don't have to worry about them so much, right?

Well, that's what I want for my teen - and from what I gather by talking to friends and clients, those are all the same qualities they hope for their teens when they fly from the nest.  What I discuss below comes from the work of Dr. Daniel Siegel (I don't want to take credit for his hard work!).  I attended the Evolution of Psychotherapy conference and took copious notes.  When I was going back through my notes I felt very moved that more people need to learn about this!  So here is the way my brain wraps around his research:

E.S.S.E.N.C.E.

1. Emotional Spark
   
2. Social Engagement
   
3. Novelty
   
4. Creative Exploration
   

Emotional Spark - The brain is learning how to arrange emotions.  The fight-or-flight part of their brain is on high alert.  They are someday going to have to defend themselves and their own children from the world.  They are subconsciously trying to understand which emotions are more useful for survival, and because of this, all their emotions are on high alert.  They passionately feel everything (and it's not the myth of raging hormones that is to blame).  If we dismiss these feelings the teen will not learn the lesson we're trying to teach.

We think we're teaching them which things are worth reacting to, but that's not what their brains are processing.  Their brains are learning that this emotion isn't useful - or it's useful for a different reaction than is appropriate, depending on the reaction they get from you.  "Oh, I get attention when I yell or cry about anything."  or  "I'm deeply feeling hurt, and it doesn't matter that what hurt me is small, nobody is caring about the fact that I am hurting.  I'm unworthy."

The trick: acknowledge and name the emotion.  "Wow, you're really sad right now."  "I can see you're super frustrated."  You don't need to tell them why they shouldn't feel that way, just let them own it for a little while.  You don't have to cater to it, you can tell them that you would like them to be angry in their bedroom until they can carry a conversation without yelling - it's okay they're angry, it's not okay to yell.

Social Engagement - Teens NEED peer relationships.  These are connections they will have as adults.  These are relationships that will teach them what is acceptable, safe, dangerous, and allow them the ability to work through boundaries while their brains are remodeling.  When your teen was a child you taught him to share and to play fair.  Now that they are in adolescence they are getting a taste of the "real world" where people don't always play fair.  These are the years where the teen is learning out he relates to these new levels of grey where life isn't good or bad, black or white.

The trick:  if your teen has friends who you think are questionable, but whom your teen is bonded with - have them over to your house.  Yes, you'll spend a little more in groceries (teens and their hollow legs!), but you will be able to see the good qualities in these kids that your teen sees.  You'll be able to monitor what they are doing, and BONUS: you are indirectly still spending a little time with your teen during the waning years they're still at home.

Novelty - Most people have heard of dopamine and serotonin, but if you haven't then you'll be good to know these are the hormones that make you feel good.  When you exercise, make love, get good news, or go on a roller coaster you get that thrilling feeling of the dopamine surge (sidenote: illicit drugs raise your dopamine and serotonin levels, and that's why they feel good and are so addicting).  Well, according to Dr. Siegel's research, the baseline of these hormones drop during adolescence.  

So a child and an adult are running along on a certain amount of dopamine.  All day you just have this level of positivity that's always there.  But during the teen years your dopamine/positivity drug is limited, suddenly you're sullen, sulky, and kind of bummed out for no reason (sound like any formerly happy teenager you know?).  

Another thing happens: The bursts of dopamine are HUGE.  So you and I as adults are running at a higher level, and when something good happens we get this little shoot of excitement and joy.  The teen brain wants to reach that same level and since it is starting out at a lower level than we started from, it has to shoot a geyser to get up there!  That might look a little like mood swings, right?  What are some things we know release dopamine?  Getting hurt (why cutting is so common among teens as a form of coping), the risk of injury (skydiving, rollercoasters, driving fast), falling in love (swooooon)... can you think of any more?

The trick:  Be patient and understanding when they are feeling moody - they don't know why the construction worker remodeling their brain blew their dopamine, but it happened and it's beyond their control.  Teach them responsible and reasonable ways to get that rush so they don't get hurt trying to seek it out for themselves.  Engage them in exciting and fun activities, and role model (or find a good role model) responsibility.

Creative Exploration: Do you do all the things the same way that your parents and grandparents did them?  Have you found some neat alternatives to make your life easier?  Now, are you comfortable in your life?  At least, comfortable in how you do most of the things you do?

Well, that is because you were seeking out better ways, new ways, interesting ways, exciting ways to do things when you were a teen.  It was fun to one-up or best one of the adults - it was a game, thrilling!  Look what I can do better than you!  

This is how humanity has grown.  Each generation wants to do something more than their parents did.  Our teens don't need to do everything our way all the time, as long as they do it (and try to do a good job).  

The trick:  Use this to your advantage!  Your teen is SO INTELLIGENT!  Hey, they've just pruned away a ton of useless info, there's room for learning and growth!  You can give them traditional creative outlets and you can also let them explore problem solving for something useful to you.  Don't just placate a teen to keep them occupied - they'll see right through that, that's what we did when they were little guys.  Give them something that is happening around the house that you are stumped about, work on it together, give them room to take the lead on the project, listen to their ideas and let them try them (even if you don't think it'll really work).  As long as they aren't going to hurt someone or themselves they are quick thinkers and creative problem solvers.

Having a teen can be challenging mostly because they are changing and as parents we're used to them being the person they have always been, doing what they have always done, and obeying us as their "Chief Officer in Command".  They still need hierarchy, but think of it as you're a manager who is getting a promotion and you're training your teen to be your replacement.

You can do it!  

***and remember, if you want to learn more about E.S.S.E.N.C.E. you can look up Dr. Daniel Siegel.  He has authored books, articles, and just general amazingness.  He is one man on fire for our youth!


To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at [email protected].  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

I was at a seminar by Dr. Daniel Siegel not that long ago and he said, "Teenagers are like waterfalls.  You can't stop them, but you can help to direct their energy."  Or, it was something to that effect.

If you think back to your own teen years, you'll probably remember your parents telling you to do things and not to do other things.  You might remember that you listened and obeyed sometimes, and others you likely thought your parents just "didn't get it" and you did it anyway.  Those memories are so long ago, and when the event or thought happened it was so inconsequential that we don't easily pull it up as adults. 

But do you remember the other adults in your life?  Youth group leaders, sports coaches, favorite teachers, after school job employers... do you remember how you responded when they requested you to start or stop a task?  It was with a little more grace and a bit more respect, even if you didn't want to do it.  What was the difference?

Can we use this memory today when working with our own teens?  YES!

Usually, the reason teens have more "attitude" at home than they do in public is two-fold:

1) You have provided a safe space for them to speak their mind.  I know, good parenting sometimes feels like the old cliche "No good deed goes unpunished".  But your teen needs to learn how to respectfully decline and put up boundaries.  They don't always have the confidence to tell other people no without ruining relationships - so they comply (but really, is compliance with outside influences always a good idea? More on that another day).  At home, they know they will continue to be loved and valued even if they disagree.  

To you, reader, parent, caregiver, I want to say KUDOS!  Great job for providing a home where someone can feel so loved and valued that they also feel free to have an "attitude."  It means you've worked really hard for many years, and now your efforts are evident.

2) Brains.  Dr. Siegel also gives a wonderful analogy likening the adolescent brain to a house that's being remodeled.  In the child's brain you had your starter home, but as time changes and your family changes that home is just not going to fit anymore.  You remodel.  There is dust everywhere, holes where walls used to be, you're turning a few rooms into closets and pushing other walls out to expand your favorite, most used rooms.

The fancy, science terms for this is called Pruning and Myelination.  The adolescent brain is Pruning away, cutting back nerves, clusters of nerves, and just generally cleaning out what it won't need when it's finishing the remodel - Spring cleaning lasting a decade!  Myelination is when the brain is creating connections and cementing down memories (this can be both good and bad memories, behaviors, attitudes, etc.).

When your teen is forgetful and you know they know how to do something, they're not putting you on - their brains pruned it, it's gone.  They need to re-learn that task, and then they need to do it enough times that it myelinates.  When I think of Myelin, I think of the little piece of plastic at the end of a shoelace.  The first time you learn something it's just the shoelace by itself, but each time you learn it you get another piece of plastic coating cementing the memory and making it easier and easier for your brain to slide right to it again.

So what now?  Patience.  Grace.  And a LOT of teaching, role modeling and role playing.  Your job isn't done, now you get to use that safe space you worked so hard to create to help guide their waterfall energy so they know the appropriate ways to decline something not good for them and how to determine the times to comply.  Sometimes just knowing it isn't about your teen not liking you anymore, and knowing that they don't actually know about their remodel (can you imagine remodeling your home and not having any idea it's happening or what the house will look like when it's finished - pretty scary!) is enough information to give you to take a deep breath, find your patience, and show them again how to do their task properly or to remind and role model how to speak to you respectfully.  

Reader, you've gotten this far, YOU CAN DO IT!

Have you ever experienced these feelings:

I thought by now... I'd have a great marriage.

I thought by now... I'd be farther along in my career.

I thought by now... I'd understand my emotions surrounding my weight issues.

I thought by now... my kids would listen and respect me better.

I thought by now... I'd be happier... my parents would approve of me... I'd have a better social life... I'd feel more peaceful... I'd be able to balance all my responsibilities... I wouldn't be so worried or anxious all the time... I'd feel less grief for my loved one's death... I'd have joy.

I don't know why bad things might have happened to you, or why you're disappointed. I don't, and I won't pretend to have all the answers. But what I will do is get down into that murky water with you. I'll sit there in those deep and dark waters and listen to what you've been keeping to yourself all these years. You won't have to be alone when you are ready to talk bout the heavy things weighing on your heart.

When you're ready to create a new future, a new hope, then I will be there to do my very best to teach you some skills that might help.

I am passionate for you. I am passionate for families, marriages, and children. I believe there is a domino effect in our relationships with the people around us when we release some of the heartache we're holding and we learn new ways to relate to ourselves.

As an intern, I work under the supervision of board licensed therapist, Joe R. Taylor, LMFT #46406, who has had years of experience in the field. In addition to all that I've learned in graduate school, multitudes of extra training, and clinical experience, my supervisor ensures I use empirically validated techniques to help you enrich your life and skill set.

I am excited to know you, to help you, and to partner with you each week during your journey. This is your journey, and I'm honored to be a small part. Thank you for visiting my website and please feel free to click over to my Vitae to see the continuing education I've received and over to the About Me section to learn of some of my professional history. Thank you.