Sometimes we get into a rut of thinking that if we acknowledge something then the other person might believe that we are approving or authorizing that thing.  What do I mean by that?  What type of relationship does this affect?

It affects all the relationships: friendship, romantic, parent, family, you-name-it.

Here's an example, your friend has been going out and socializing regularly.  You start to notice that it's more often than it used to be and that it's starting to effect various aspects of their life.  You also notice that the people they're spending time with have changed and these people don't hold the same value system that your friend usually holds.  If you acknowledge the situation you're afraid that your friend will either feel judged by you or that you think it's okay.  Neither outcome is desired, so you keep it to yourself and watch your friend while feeling powerless to do anything.

But that's not true.  Those aren't the only options.

You can acknowledge many aspects of this without approving of the behavior.  Your friend feeling judged is 50% how you steward the conversation and 50% their inner dialogue on how they interpret the conversation (from what lense are they viewing this conversation).

• Friend, I can see that you've been really enjoying yourself lately!  I love how you've been so spontaneous and it seems like there's a new side of you that's really having fun.  It's great!  I would like to acknowledge that I've also noticed that some of the priorities you've had in the past aren't priorities anymore and I'm wondering what's going on for you.  
• Friend, I just want to check in with you.  I've noticed that you've been drinking more often than usual, how are things going?
• Spouse, I know those have been your friends for a long time, but I don't like the way you talk to me when they're around.   I'm not asking you to stop spending time with them, but I don't approve of the changes that happen in your personality with you are around them and around me at the same time.

​You can acknowledge something without approving of it - and if you acknowledge it well then your half of the conversation road is going to be as smooth as possible.  The other person might have a painful history that's triggered and they don't  respond well.  If that happens, you can stand firm in the knowledge that you were authentic, you tried to be kind in your delivery, and that you gave the other person the opportunity to know what was on your heart.

Most people will respond with curiosity, a little defensiveness, and kindness in response.  This can be an opportunity to grow your relationship in a positive way.  If the conversation goes well then trust is built.  If the two individuals come to a solution together then that teamwork brings them close again.  The ability to be vulnerable and safe can be huge for both people in these scenarios:
confiding your disapproval is vulnerable - hearing someone acknowledge their disapproval is vulnerable.  The two of you are potentially wearing your hearts on your sleeve, and when you're safe with each other it can blossom the relationship.

But even if the person is triggered or if you delivered your message all wrong - there's still opportunity to repair that rift, make the relationship whole, and continue knowing that you were honest about your worry and that you didn't sit back and do nothing.  You tried because this person is important to you and they are worth the risk.

Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #104464

--------------------------

Jessica Wilkerson works in Chico, California helping individuals, couples, and families learn how to communicate safely and effectively with a desire to heal wounds and grow bonds through processing past and current pain.  Jessica believes in the power of honesty and authenticity in healthy relationships and works hard to help her clients influence their lives positively through communication with others and with themselves.

You can contact Jessica for an appointment by calling/texting her at (530) 994-5114 or emailing her at [email protected].

arent-teen relationships can be hard to navigate sometimes!

This is one of my favorite types of therapy to be a part of: helping parents and kids get on the same page.  We spend so much time with them and their cuteness while they're little and then they reach adolescence and they start pulling away.  It can feel surreal and a little heartbreaking sometimes.

No longer are we their best person who they want to come to for reassurance or a feeling of security - but we are "other" and they need to see how far they can push us away while still being a part of things.  Not all kids.  But many of them.

Here's the thing: it's not personal.

I mean, in some aspects it might be personal - you tend to tease them in front of their friends and they just don't want to be embarrassed on purpose anymore - but youth don't always know how to communicate that and still maintain their relationship.  They're new to this whole autonomny thing.  They don't know how to do it well.

Here's where I come in within the therapeutic process.

I meet with parent and child together.  We get on the same page and determine who my client is.  Usually it's the child/teen.  We figure out our goals - which since my client is the youth the goals are directed toward the youth's desires: learn how to talk so my parents will listen, become more independant, get along better with my friends, etc.  I ask the youth if it's okay if their parent can join us every three or four (or five) sessions so they can practice what we learn in session with someone who's safe and who would benefit from practicing with them.

Then we start sessions.  I get to know your teen/youth.  We talk about their friends, their parents and siblings.  We talk about what they want out of life or out of the weekend.  Through the casual conversation I pick up on various things in their story and ask more about it (why did you make that choice?  What did that make you think about yourself or about them?  How did you cope?) and then I ask what would happen if they tried it this other way?  Would the people around them respond differently if they said or did things from a different perspective?  If they would have taken a diffferent perspective would they have made different choices?

It's all part of a conversation that doesn't feel so clinical.  It's not like tv where we sit across from each otheer and I write on a pad of paper, psychoanalyzing them.  We go for walks or play Yahtzee. We might stay on the sofa/chair but curl up our legs and chat like friends would.  The teen/youth leaves feeling like she just talked to an aunt and not some professional lady who's going to tell her all the things she did wrong.

Then, during the session where parent comes in I wear my professional hat and help a dialogue take place.  My goal in that dialogue is two-fold: to focus on how the two people are communicating and to improve the relationship between them.  The teen's goal is usually to focus on the content of the conversation (Am I allowed to have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Can I stay the night at friends' houses, etc).  

The following session the teen/youth and I debrief about what went well and what could be improved upon.  We work on what they can do differently (because you can't change the people around you, you can only change yourself).  

And then the cycle begins again -  and hopefully with the next parent session the teen has another set of tools in their toolbelt and the relationship continues to evolve.  It's not a quick fix, but it's moving in the right direction toward healthy communication and relationship as your kiddo goes from child to teen to adult.

Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #104464
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jessica works in Chico California helping individual adults and teens, couples, and families.  Whenever she's in session she's always thinking about the relationships this person has and how those relationships influence them and how they're influencing the relationships.  She's looking for the dance and looking to help her client navigate the ways they contribute to relationships and how they can change the song to one that's a little happier.

To contact her for an appointment send her an email at [email protected] or call/text (530) 994-5114.

I was talking to one of my girlfriends the other day and they were telling me about how they are not close to their sibling, but that they've never been close.  They and their sibling liked different things growing up, and their parents would rather have them play separately than listen to them bicker.  Consequently, she also said that the way she feels about her sibling today (in her mid-30's) is that they are like an acquaintance with a shared friend - but that friend is their mother.

Their parents were/are nice people.  They each worked.  They shared custody after divorce.  They re-married.  The kids didn't play any sports, weren't a part of any clubs, didn't really have many friends, and she doesn't remember anything unique or fun about her childhood, just as she doesn't remember anything terrible or abusive either.  Non-descript.  They just lived their lives day-by-day, and now she continues to exist.  She has one friend that she's semi-close to, and can't figure out why she has such a hard time making good, close friends.

By all accounts she was loved, cared for, given food and opportunity when she was young.

But the problem here was that this family just went along with the tide of life.  If the kids didn't initiate doing something, then nothing happened (and have you met very many kids who pursue extra-curriculars all on their own?).  

My friend never learned to "get along" with someone with whom she had a dispute.  If she didn't want to play with her sibling, she just didn't do it.  If she didn't like someone, she didn't have to learn how to work it out or talk through it.  She wasn't challenged to try new things - try a new club, try a new sport, take a chance and see what it's like to be surprised.

Parenting on Purpose means doing the hard work of looking forward into the future, deciding what character traits and goals you hope for your child, and then putting your best foot forward to implement the necessary steps today.

You want your child to have healthy relationships in the future - teach them to talk to you and negotiate with you.  Encourage them and create opportunities to do things they don't want to do (but they are safe) because their friend wants to try it - teach them to think through: is this safe, will someone get hurt, what happens if I like it, what happens if it turns out wrong, what is the value of my friendship with this person?

You want your child to go for their dream jobs someday - they need confidence!  Encourage your child to try out for teams now.  Let them feel what it's like to be rejected from the team, but it didn't "kill" them to be rejected.  Let them feel what it's like to be accepted to the team.  If they don't try for anything they won't know how to react in the future when putting themselves on the line is worth a job, promotion, spouse, etc.  This teaches them to be vulnerable to say what they want and go for it.  Teach them that.

Parent your child on purpose, don't just go with the breeze or the tide.  You'll be so happy you did (and so will your child when they're all grown up) - even if they're grumbling about it today (no child wants to take emotional risks, they'll resist, but you are their cornerstone, their grounder, their safety net - now is the time while they have you.  You know this, they don't, let their grumbling be heard but don't take it too much to heart.

It's quite often that a teen girl will experience feeling broken and powerless.  There are so many other people directing their lives (socially, scholastically, relationally) it's no wonder they go through these periods.  When this starts affecting their deepest relationships and the family it might be time to bring them to a therapist.  Why?  Read below.

------

Teen girls can be sensitive and stubborn; happy and silly; sullen and sad.  Teen girls can be confident one minute, and then the next minute compare themselves to their friends or tv, and then feel fat, plain, or less-than.  Why are their emotions such a roller coaster!

There are many reasons for this phenomenon!  Changes in brain chemistry, changes in peer relationships, changes in opposite gender relationships, changes in hormones, changes in society's expectations of them, changes in their expectations of themselves, and changes in their roles in the home.

All these changes make for one very confusing identity for your girl.  "Who am I?" she asks.  "Who is she?!" you ask.  Who knows!?!?!

In this posting, I'd like to talk about teen girls and therapy - and how all this relates to their identity and these changes.

In previous posts I've talked about how your child and teen look to you to role model healthy boundaries and respect.  You are their main focus for these traits, but you're not their only role model.  They are watching their friends (who are watching their own parents, and also watching your daughter) - sounds like that 7 Degrees of Kevin Bacon game a little, doesn't it!  Ha!

So your daughter is getting cues from her friends.  They tell her their opinions on other people - and then she inadvertently sizes herself up against those people.  They tell her their opinions about her and about themselves.  They are bonding and learning (and comparing).

Unfortunately, teen girls often evaluate themselves inaccurately - and whatever script she has learned from the women in her life, she will repeat.  

EXAMPLES:
If she has not learned to accept a compliment she will not know how to allow others to feed her positive identity traits.  

• "You look pretty today."  "No, I don't, I hate this dress."  -  
  
• "You look pretty today."  "Thanks, but my teacher is being a jerk today."  
  
• - or - she could learn the healthy response:  "You look pretty today."  "Thank you!"
  

If she has learned to identify who she is with what she has done she will not be able to fail gracefully.

• "That's not how that task was supposed to be done."  This is interpreted as: "I can't do anything right, I'm not even going to try, I'm worthless!"
  
• "That dress is too short, and you will look easy if you go out wearing it" This becomes:  "I'm trashy!"
  
• "You could have used a coupon to buy that item for less." She believes: "I'm bad with money!"
  
• THE WORSE ONE: "Let's go see a therapist."  Turns into: "I'm broken!"
  

I could go on, but I'm sure you get the point.  That last one is the one I want to look at closer:
"Let's go see a therapist."  "I'm broken!"

Therapy does not mean you're broken.  Therapy is like taking another class in school.  You're learning new skills, new ways to look at things, new ways to talk to yourself and to talk to other people so you have better relationships and better days in general.

Your teen girl doesn't always understand this, and no amount of talking will help her understand it.  However, if you role model for her, if she has your support and your shoulder to lean on (literally) she'll feel less broken and feel more open.  I encourage parents to attend therapy with their teen for the first month.  That's three or four sessions together where the goal of therapy is to improve the parent/child relationship.  We primarily focus on healthy communication.  We focus on the relationship - not the individuals.  It's the relationship that needs to heal, and not necessarily the people.

Guess what happens when you start this - the people heal in ways they didn't even realize they needed healing!

Your daughter starts to feel heard and valued.  You didn't pawn her off on a therapist because she's broken and needs to be fixed.  You joined with her, you showed your imperfection, you became vulnerable with her, you are a team.  After a few weeks together your relationship is a little stronger and your daughter is ready to go deep with me as her therapist.  Therapy is normalized, she feels safe, she can talk about what is happening with her friends and we can work together to improve her skills with herself and other people.

---------------------------------
Jessica Wilkerson also provides therapy to families, couples, individuals, children and teens.
To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at [email protected].  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Tell me, would you rather learn the consequence of procrastinating turning in a book report while you are in elementary or high school - or - would you rather experience the consequence of procrastinating a project at work as an adult, supporting a family?

Would you rather experience the consequence of getting kicked off a sports team in high school because you didn't keep your grade up or because you made a bad choice with a friend (stealing, cheating, bullying) - or - would you rather reap the consequence of similar behaviors when you're adult and you can lose a job or stand in front of a judge as an adult?

Let's look at these varying consequences:

• Not turning in a paper earns you an F for the paper or the class.  Maybe you have to repeat the class next year.  Maybe you're not allowed to try out for sports teams.  Maybe your parent grounds you or takes away your video games/cell phone.  
  

• Not turning in a project at work can get you demoted, written up, or fired.  You can't pay your bills.  You move back into your parents house.  
  

In either scenario, you learn the lesson to respect deadlines, right?  But which consequence would you rather to teach you that lesson?

WHEN WE ARE INCONSISTENT WITH OUR CHILDREN & TEENS WE ARE ROBBING THEM OF THE "EASIER" CONSEQUENCE.

Repeating a class is easier than losing your job, right?  Being kicked off a sports team is easier than jail, right?

So, when your child or teenager is rolling their eyes, trying to negotiate with you to get out of their consequence, asking you to cover for them when they failed to plan - just keep these scenarios in mind.  You won't be there when they are adults, they need to learn these lessons while you are still there to be their safety net and to help their egos navigate the consequences of their actions.

I have always felt that when parenting it's best (and easiest for me) to start with the least harsh consequence that works to change the behavior.  If you start out with guns blazing you'll have no where to go when the child/teen tests to see if you're bluffing.  If the easier consequence doesn't work, you can always go a little more strict until you've found something that works.

Some people just want to be the "nice parent" or the "buddy parent" - but consequences are part of boundaries, and they are a part of life.  Teaching your child to respect herself and respect others will go a very long way when she's responsible for navigating the big world all on her own someday.  Boundaries and consequences are one way a child/teen gauges "if you love them and are willing to do what it takes to keep them safe" - they don't act like it, and they certainly won't act like they appreciate it right now, but down in their subconscious they feel a sense of relief that they don't have to negotiate this world alone, and they know they need someone to help outline the boundary lines and teach cause & effect.

Grounded in their bedroom with the soft, comfy bed & personal belongings is so much nicer than being grounded in a jail cell, or grounded by demotions or job losses.  But that's just my perspective, and it's what keeps me strong when I have to deal with the natural insolence of the teenager who I love.

You can follow up with this topic in the article titled Boundaries in Parenting.
---------------------------------
Jessica Wilkerson also provides therapy to families, couples, individuals, children and teens.
To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at [email protected].  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

There's this buzz word out in the world called BOUNDARIES.

What does that even mean?  You know you should have them.  You think you probably don't.  You hear the word "boundaries" and you think that it must be a measuring stick that you should be living up to, and that others are judging you by.

Let's demystify boundaries when it comes to parenting.

Boundaries are the gauge by which you allow people permission in your life.  Basically, how you let other people treat you, and how you treat other people.

THERE ARE TWO PARTS TO THIS.

ONE.

When it comes to children and teens, it's even bigger.  They are engaging with their peers and teachers in school, so they have first hand experience trying to figure out how to treat other people and how others treat them (peers & authority figures).  They look everywhere for the measuring stick: television, other peers, and most importantly their parents.

Your child or teen looks to their parent for permission on what is socially acceptable and responsible.  When your child was little you could say the words and tell them how to behave and what to allow.  Then, when your child grew and became a teen they stopped paying so much attention to your words, but they start paying attention to your actions.

What do you let their other parent get away with in their relationship with you?  What do you let their siblings get away with?  How do your friends treat you, and do you put a stop to things when your friends are being impolite or do you allow their indiscretions?    In what ways do you allow your teen to talk or behave in your relationship?  

What are YOUR boundaries with all the relationships in your life?


This is what your pre-teen and teenager is evaluating when they decide how to treat you and how to treat their friends.  

TWO.
 
Safety.  Kids and teens know that you are their protector.  They know that you have it all figured out (even when we're really just humans who don't have it all figured out).

If you are a consistent parent who says "no" to certain and specific things regularly, they can feel safe to know that a) this is something that is not acceptable, and b) they can try to persuade you to give-in, and if you give in then they know that you really mean it's okay this time - since you've been so consistently honorable with your "no" in the past.  It makes your teen feel safe to know that  you really thought this through and decided it is safe and okay - and they can rest in the knowledge that it's safe and okay - they are safe and okay.

If you have been inconsistent in the past with "no," "yes," and "maybe," they don't really know what is safe and okay, what is negotiable because it's is a power issue, what is negotiable because you haven't thought it through yet, and what isn't safe.  There are no fences in the world to keep the bad guys out, and the good guys in.  There's no definition, and very little trust.

It would make sense that they would act disrespectfully when they don't know where the boundaries are, how can they respect what they don't know or trust?

As their negotiating skills improve, as their button pushing improves, they start to realize that there is an imbalance of power in the relationship - and they have the lion's share.  Teens have never had this kind of power before, nobody has taught them to wield it wisely.

Teens learn to grow up with healthy relationships because someone loved them enough to tell them "no" and allowed them to suffer the consequences while they were still young enough that the consequence wasn't too hard.  I talk more about consequences in another blog post.

In the meantime, what are a few ways that your child or teenager invades your boundaries?
What are some relationships in your life where you need better boundaries, and your child/teen has witnessed other people treating you poorly, and you've allowed it.

Now, what is one boundary issue that you would like to resolve with your teen?  Just one!  Rome wasn't built in a day, boundaries are hard and it hurts when you make changes like this - too many too soon won't stick.  

Pick one boundary and focus on improving that over the next few weeks.  Then, re-read this blog post to refresh yourself and start on another boundary.  Put it on your calendar, schedule yourself to re-read the post and work on your 2nd issue.  

---------------------------------
Jessica Wilkerson also provides therapy to families, couples, individuals, children and teens.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at [email protected].  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Oh, the teen girls!  I love them.  Once upon a time, I was a teen girl... now, I'm a grown up woman with all these years of college learning in psychology and years of providing therapy to girls and their families.  But, I can still tap into that teen girl brain and emotions that once lived in this body when I need a reminder of those conflicts and feelings.

It's such a dichotomy in that brain.  "My parents are sooooo smothering!  They don't let me do anything!"  and also, "My parents don't even care about me.  Nothing I do is right, they don't pay attention to me unless I'm messing up."

No matter how much positive encouragement you give your teen girl, some girls will only notice when you reprimand them or give them instructions.

Why is this?  Well, there are several reasons.

1)  You are the parent.  You are "the system" or "the man."  It's the time in their lives where they are taking big courageous breathes to leave the nest and fly solo.  If they take every piece of valid and good advice you give them, then they fear they don't have what it takes to leave.  No one is as smart is mom or dad.  When they get good and valid advice from outside adults (even if it's the same advice) they know that when they are on their own they can still find answers to their questions without your help.  Is your teen's delivery of this information to you given in a mature and articulate manner, or by rolling their eyes and slamming their bedroom door?  Probably the latter, they aren't super mature and articulate - no matter how smart or sweet they are in general.

2)  Friends.  Peer groups.  As adults, we have them.  We generally socialize with people in the general vicinity to our ages.  Our people skills are as developed as the people we spend time with.  Your teen girl has friends who tell her what's cool and what's not cool.  They tell her if the boy she likes is cool or not cool.  They tell her what opinion she just stated is cool or not cool.  And really, for teen girls cool = socially acceptable.  "Dorky" kids think things are cool, and those things are different than what "popular" kids think is cool.  So cool is relative to your friends; therefore, cool = acceptable.  It's semantics, really - but the teens don't realize this.  They just need to survive.

I have to say that it has been my experience that most parents give their teenagers sage and wise advice.  Most parents inherently know their children, regardless of how much or how little they work, socialize, etc.  I have found that most parents feel frustrated and at their wits end because their teen girl isn't listening, and they are worried beyond belief for her well-being.

When you take point #1 into consideration, you understand why she's resisting.  When you take #2 into mind, you realize why her peers opinions are more important than yours.  

And really, when she's an adult those peers are going to be her colleagues in the office, her friends on the social scene.  Those peers will have children her children's ages and they will be at birthday parties and PTA meetings together as adults (especially in towns as small as those here in Butte County).

So when she's struggling in these relationships, not putting down appropriate boundaries, expressing herself constructively, and not listing to your advice, that's when I am able to come in.  I am another adult.  I have a laugh-y, joke-y demeanor that throws them off a little.  "Not another adult who thinks too highly of themselves, but rather can listen without judging me or telling me what to do!"  Yep.  I don't tell teenagers what to do to fix their lives.  I help them think through their options and I help them make the decision.

I teach them to think and make decisions in a healthy way so they don't alienate themselves from their friends or family.

I really love it when parents come into therapy with us.  When your teen is starting therapy she's talking like a teen, and you are accustomed to talking with them like kids.  So we work on that and she has a safe harbor to try some new techniques, while you learn too.  Later, we bring parents back in to do it again, now your teen has had a few months of learning, and she has some more skills to practice with you.  Practicing with you is easier and safer than practicing on friends - so it gives her confidence!  

I do love those teen girls!  Someday they will be women, amazing women, our peers and colleagues!  How wonderful and lucky are we to get to watch and be a part of them growing and evolving.  Little butterflies!  Little birdies learning to fly!

---------------------------------
Jessica Wilkerson also provides therapy to families, couples, individuals, children and teens.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at [email protected].  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/