Anxiety in children can often take on the characteristics of other disorders and can be “misdiagnosed” by the people in the child’s life: parents, family members, teachers, etc.  This is because children don’t have the ability to conceptualize and articulate what’s going on intrapsychically for themselves. A child identifies, “I don’t feel good.” They don’t identify the sense of foreboding, or feeling of “waiting for the other shoe to drop.”  They can’t figure out why they feel this way, but they want the feeling to stop and they’ll do anything to make that happen.

To stop the anxiety they might refuse to participate in an activity.  They could seem keyed-up or restless. They might isolate themselves and fight their parent tooth and nail to keep from engaging in whatever the parent wants them to do (go to school, do homework, get dressed, leave the house, etc).  They might create little rituals that seem like OCD.

All these behaviors can be mistaken for ADHD, ODD, and OCD.  The child seems out of control.

But what’s really going on under the surface?

Has this child heard about or witnessed an event that may have put themselves or someone they love in jeopardy?  This can happen and then the child begins to worry excessively about it happening again. If a classmate is injured or a family friend goes to the hospital the child may have processed this event in such a way that he/she is worried that the event could occur again, and this time it will happen tragically in their own life.  This child might become clingy to a parent, have nightmares, be aggressive to peers or adults, create rituals, and/or have meltdowns. The common denominator here is that the child is trying to find a way to exert control in his/her life in order to keep themselves safe or keep a loved one safe. They are feeling scared and powerless over safety issues and so they do the only things they know how to do… and it’s not intellectual articulation of their fears.

Does this child have a concept in his/her mind that is hurtful and they are trying to cope and avoid the situation?  Let’s say this child has decided they have two left feet, and that they’re terrible at sports. Let’s say they’re average, neither good nor bad.  But every time it’s nearly P.E. they start getting a headache or a stomachache. Every time it’s recess they suddenly become engrossed in their drawing and they ask the teacher if they can stay in the classroom, and if the teacher has things to do and tells the child they must go outside then the child has a meltdown because they think they’ll have to be athletic on recess.

It might look like they are trying to get their way.  It might look manipulative. But these avoidance behaviors are an effort not to get to do a different thing or to have control over someone else, but they’re usually in response to something negative they’re telling themselves about engaging in situations.  Then, self-fulfilling prophecy kicks in - they go to the school nurse for their stomach ache during PE, they don’t keep practicing the sport during their P.E. class, the classmates improve their skill and camaraderie, and the child’s self-image of not being good at sports is reinforced.  So the following day, as it gets closer to P.E. his/her headache comes on sooner or stronger and they need to skip again.  
​
Do you just let kids skip class subjects because of their anxiety?  It depends. Sometimes sitting with a tutor until the child’s sense of competence has elevated can be really helpful.  Sometimes discovering the maladaptive script the child is repeating in their mind and then providing contradictory statements to build confidence is what’s needed.  Sometimes having the child talk with a therapist can do wonders. Sometimes all three together can create synergy. Personally, I’d start wherever the child is the most comfortable - they might be too embarrassed for a tutor, but they’ll talk to you or talk to a therapist.  They might be more closed and unwilling to talk, but they’d sit with a tutor and learn while the tutor also points out how smart they are or how far they’ve come so they can start to look at themselves differently.

When engaging with a child who might have anxiety (or any of the other disorders) it’s important to maintain your sense of compassion.  This child didn’t ask for this. They didn’t look at a menu of behaviors or mental health issues and request it, even though it often FEELS like they’re being willfully defiant.  

They just know that they “don’t feel good.” and they are guessing at why - and usually they’re wrong, but they’re trying.  Find your own inner peace, try your hardest to be present and to ask and listen to what they need in that moment and find a way to compromise so they get their needs met, but still follow an amended request.  Ex: Your child doesn’t want to go to school, you ask why, they don’t know or won’t tell you, then you ask what they need. They say they need to stay home. That won’t work, you have a job to go to and it’s the law they go to school.  You are calm and relaxed and you say, “I hear you that it’s hard to be at school all day and you want to stay home. Unfortunately, I have to go to work and I can’t stay home with you - and you’re too little to stay home alone all day.  So is there something else you need to help you feel better about going to school?”  

This is where the child might make a request: different shoes, new pencils, cold lunch, to be picked up early, etc.  Then keep it in your mind that they aren’t asking for these things because they “just want them” but because somehow this request is intended to keep them safe from a perceived danger.  Work with your child on how to meet their need, and while doing so continue to assess and build them up in their self-efficacy.

Patience.   Breathing. Being present.  Compassion. 

Anxiety is hard for grownups.  Can you imagine being little and experiencing that big feeling?

For more information and a bulleted list of symptoms on Anxiety in children click here.

Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #104464

--------

Jessica Wilkerson works in Chico, California where she helps adults, teens and children learn to listen to their emotions and listen to their bodies so they can develop coping skills for their anxiety and flip it so the amount of joy in their lives exceeds anxiety.  In life there will be stressors, but how we cope with them determines our resilience and happiness in the long run.  To contact Jessica for an appointment please call/text her at (530) 994-5114 or email her at jdw@jessicawilkerson.com

I have a tendency to dig right in.

I have to force myself to remember to engage in the expected pleasentries of hello, how are you, how has your day been so far?  This is because by the time my client has shown up to my office I've already been thinking about him/her - how about I just say "you" instead of the politically correct pronouns.

I've been thinking about you. 

I get up in the morning, take my shower, drink my coffee, drop my children off to their respective places, and drive into work.  I listen to the radio while I drive in, but that's mostly background noise.  I think about the people I get to see today.  Their stories come back to me and I start wondering how they've been this week based on how they left my office the previous week.

By the time you arrive, I've already started our conversation hours ago, and I'm ready to jump right in.  But quite often, I'll catch myself, and I'll say the hello first...

I think existing clients become accustomed to my genuine interest in hearing about their experiences and my deeper digging, "so then how did that make you feel about yourself afterwards?"  But newer clients always have longer pauses and their expressions a little more awkward, as if to say, "hold the reigns there cowgirl, we've just met!"

Here's the thing I think new clients need to know - therapists love this stuff!

Licensed therapists have either a master's or doctorate degree in psychology or social work.  They invested 6-10 years of schooling and then 2-10 years of internship before taking rigorous exams to obtain their license.  They incurred enormous debt as a financial investment.  All-the-while knowing that this is not a highly lucrative field.  This is because they see the best in the world and they want to help fix people's hearts and their relationships.  They went though all that time because they want to spend their lives increasing the joy in this world and mitigating the sorrow.  They are the types of people who look at someone's pain and want to stand next to them, helping them to get through it.  

So think of it this way, if you over-disclose in "real life" it might be a problem and there might be judgement.  You should and do need to go slowly with friendships, disclosing as you build trust.  New relationships are a time where you're both showing the other person how trustworthy, judgemental, forgiving, open-minded, etc you each are.  You're finding the balance of disclosure - how much is too much vs how much is just right.

In therapy, we are unique individuals who already had a knack for digging deep, wanting to understand, and with big ol' hearts for helping others.  

I had a person once tell me, "You're going to see inside my soul!"

Wow!  That's deep!  That's heavy.

And I think the scary thing for that person isn't that I'll see in their soul, but that I'll peer in there and see their brokenness, see what's wrong with them, decide they're irredemable, and reject or judge them.  That would certainly be a heavy secret to keep.

But let me reassure you, when I'm digging deep I'm looking for the places that shine - for what's beautiful.  I'm looking for the broken pieces and seeing if I can find every last shard so I can help you put it back together.  It might not look like it did before it broke (your heart or you), but it will be a new masterpiece.  

People have these wounds they carry around for fear others will see their pain and exacerbate it with negativity, so they hold onto it tight.  Then I come around with my cheerful demeanor and ask to take a look.  I don't believe I'll see the things you fear down there.  I won't see monsters.  I'll see what happened during your foundational experiences that hurt you, and the behaviors you've been engaging in as a way to protect you from those original things.  I'm looking for ways to help you save yourself.

So the next time you're in therapy and whomever your therapist might be asks you a question that you think will turn them off from you forever, dig deep and answer it anyway.  It might give them the exact road map they need to help you find your new masterpiece and put together the pain so it's not something you need to carry with you any longer.

----
Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT 104464
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Jessica lives and works in Chico California where she helps teens, adults, and couples battle through trauma and relationships to find a more joy filled, balanced, and healthier life.  You can reach out to her for an appointment by phone/text at (530) 994-5114 or by email at jdw@jessicawilkerson.com

Emotional Intelligence is the ability to tune into your own emotion and identify it – the ability to respond to your emotions appropriately – and the ability to connect to the emotions of others.
 
Let’s break this down:
 
Tuning In and Identifying Your Emotions.:

Anger and Righteous Indignation are big ones that are hard to see beyond.  They’re the big wall.  They tell you that you have this big emotion and you don’t have any responsibility to curb that emotion, because it’s the world’s/other person’s fault.  But usually, if you were to sit in the quiet of your anger then you’d realize it was also disappointment, frustration, guilt, shame, confusion, disillusionment, sadness, etc.  Those are all emotions that make you vulnerable, so anger rides in on its white stallion to allow you to feel the “bigness” of the emotion without feeling the accompanying vulnerability of it.

A person with developed Emotional Intelligence can feel that anger or righteous indignation, and know that there’s probably something else under it.  They can feel the anger while also searching for the other emotion and feel that one as well, knowing both are valid, even if they’re uncomfortable.
 
Responding to Your Emotions Appropriately:

Some people will feel ashamed of their big emotions and will hide them, stuff them down, cope in unhealthy ways.  Some folks will engage in horrible self talk, lash out, or use sarcasm to hurt others who they deep down feel have been hurtful to them. Some will “wear their heart on their sleeve” and inappropriately disclose or emote in situations that would have best been avoided if they had connected to their emotions and declined the invitation.  However, responding to your emotions appropriately means having the self-control to stop the sabotaging inner voice or unhealthy behavior.  To fight against it if you see it there.
​
Responding appropriately means crying when you’re bereaved.  It means going for a fast-paced walk when you’re angry.  It means talking calmly to the person who disappointed you to let them know how you feel about the situation and giving them an opportunity to rectify it.  And it means saying “no thank you” to a party invitation when you’re struggling with something emotionally and you won’t be able to shake it off while you’re there.
 
Connecting to the Emotions of Others:

This is different from empathy (which is basically being able to feel the emotion someone else is feeling).  Connecting to the emotions of others is being able to identify what someone might be feeling and knowing what they can handle in the moment.  Someone is crying about the death of their beloved pet, they are not in a place to handle joking, criticism, guilt, or other negative interactions that will compound their bereavement.  You don’t have to feel their feeling to know that they can’t emotionally take on certain other emotions (that’s why it’s different from empathy). 

A person with Emotional Intelligence can identify what someone is experiencing emotionally and then respond with appropriateness. 
 
Emotional Intelligence is something that is taught during childhood.  Your parent, teachers, friends, and friends’ parents all take part in helping a child learn how to identify their own feelings, others’ feelings, and then coach them how to respond.  Some kids are born into families in which the parents aren’t very connected to emotional intelligence, so they don’t have that role modeling or coaching.  They might not have the other close relationships with other adults either.  Then those kids grow up to become adults with poor emotional intelligence.

Those folks are difficult to be married to: they pile it on when things are already hard, they don’t understand why you’re so sad about something and tease you about it at the worst times.  They are difficult to have as colleagues or friends because to them you should just “grow up.”

Whether you’re the spouse, friend, or colleague who needs to improve your emotional intelligence or if you’re in a relationship with someone the good news is that you can hone this skill.  You’re not doomed to be on the outskirts of your heart or society.  This is doable.

This is something that can be worked on in therapy since each person has their own strengths and barriers to their emotional intelligence.  It’s something that is worked on through stories in your past and present, and rewriting the narrative from your past and honing skills to use today.
 
Emotional Intelligence is a topic I feel pretty strongly about and love helping people through.  If you ever want to sit down with me as one of my clients please feel free to contact me at (530) 994-5114 or email me at jwilkerson.ma@gmail.com

It's quite often that a teen girl will experience feeling broken and powerless.  There are so many other people directing their lives (socially, scholastically, relationally) it's no wonder they go through these periods.  When this starts affecting their deepest relationships and the family it might be time to bring them to a therapist.  Why?  Read below.

------

Teen girls can be sensitive and stubborn; happy and silly; sullen and sad.  Teen girls can be confident one minute, and then the next minute compare themselves to their friends or tv, and then feel fat, plain, or less-than.  Why are their emotions such a roller coaster!

There are many reasons for this phenomenon!  Changes in brain chemistry, changes in peer relationships, changes in opposite gender relationships, changes in hormones, changes in society's expectations of them, changes in their expectations of themselves, and changes in their roles in the home.

All these changes make for one very confusing identity for your girl.  "Who am I?" she asks.  "Who is she?!" you ask.  Who knows!?!?!

In this posting, I'd like to talk about teen girls and therapy - and how all this relates to their identity and these changes.

In previous posts I've talked about how your child and teen look to you to role model healthy boundaries and respect.  You are their main focus for these traits, but you're not their only role model.  They are watching their friends (who are watching their own parents, and also watching your daughter) - sounds like that 7 Degrees of Kevin Bacon game a little, doesn't it!  Ha!

So your daughter is getting cues from her friends.  They tell her their opinions on other people - and then she inadvertently sizes herself up against those people.  They tell her their opinions about her and about themselves.  They are bonding and learning (and comparing).

Unfortunately, teen girls often evaluate themselves inaccurately - and whatever script she has learned from the women in her life, she will repeat.  

EXAMPLES:
If she has not learned to accept a compliment she will not know how to allow others to feed her positive identity traits.  

• "You look pretty today."  "No, I don't, I hate this dress."  -  
  
• "You look pretty today."  "Thanks, but my teacher is being a jerk today."  
  
• - or - she could learn the healthy response:  "You look pretty today."  "Thank you!"
  

If she has learned to identify who she is with what she has done she will not be able to fail gracefully.

• "That's not how that task was supposed to be done."  This is interpreted as: "I can't do anything right, I'm not even going to try, I'm worthless!"
  
• "That dress is too short, and you will look easy if you go out wearing it" This becomes:  "I'm trashy!"
  
• "You could have used a coupon to buy that item for less." She believes: "I'm bad with money!"
  
• THE WORSE ONE: "Let's go see a therapist."  Turns into: "I'm broken!"
  

I could go on, but I'm sure you get the point.  That last one is the one I want to look at closer:
"Let's go see a therapist."  "I'm broken!"

Therapy does not mean you're broken.  Therapy is like taking another class in school.  You're learning new skills, new ways to look at things, new ways to talk to yourself and to talk to other people so you have better relationships and better days in general.

Your teen girl doesn't always understand this, and no amount of talking will help her understand it.  However, if you role model for her, if she has your support and your shoulder to lean on (literally) she'll feel less broken and feel more open.  I encourage parents to attend therapy with their teen for the first month.  That's three or four sessions together where the goal of therapy is to improve the parent/child relationship.  We primarily focus on healthy communication.  We focus on the relationship - not the individuals.  It's the relationship that needs to heal, and not necessarily the people.

Guess what happens when you start this - the people heal in ways they didn't even realize they needed healing!

Your daughter starts to feel heard and valued.  You didn't pawn her off on a therapist because she's broken and needs to be fixed.  You joined with her, you showed your imperfection, you became vulnerable with her, you are a team.  After a few weeks together your relationship is a little stronger and your daughter is ready to go deep with me as her therapist.  Therapy is normalized, she feels safe, she can talk about what is happening with her friends and we can work together to improve her skills with herself and other people.

---------------------------------
Jessica Wilkerson also provides therapy to families, couples, individuals, children and teens.
To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Jessica Wilkerson also provides therapy to families, couples, individuals, children and teens.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Oh, the teen girls!  I love them.  Once upon a time, I was a teen girl... now, I'm a grown up woman with all these years of college learning in psychology and years of providing therapy to girls and their families.  But, I can still tap into that teen girl brain and emotions that once lived in this body when I need a reminder of those conflicts and feelings.

It's such a dichotomy in that brain.  "My parents are sooooo smothering!  They don't let me do anything!"  and also, "My parents don't even care about me.  Nothing I do is right, they don't pay attention to me unless I'm messing up."

No matter how much positive encouragement you give your teen girl, some girls will only notice when you reprimand them or give them instructions.

Why is this?  Well, there are several reasons.

1)  You are the parent.  You are "the system" or "the man."  It's the time in their lives where they are taking big courageous breathes to leave the nest and fly solo.  If they take every piece of valid and good advice you give them, then they fear they don't have what it takes to leave.  No one is as smart is mom or dad.  When they get good and valid advice from outside adults (even if it's the same advice) they know that when they are on their own they can still find answers to their questions without your help.  Is your teen's delivery of this information to you given in a mature and articulate manner, or by rolling their eyes and slamming their bedroom door?  Probably the latter, they aren't super mature and articulate - no matter how smart or sweet they are in general.

2)  Friends.  Peer groups.  As adults, we have them.  We generally socialize with people in the general vicinity to our ages.  Our people skills are as developed as the people we spend time with.  Your teen girl has friends who tell her what's cool and what's not cool.  They tell her if the boy she likes is cool or not cool.  They tell her what opinion she just stated is cool or not cool.  And really, for teen girls cool = socially acceptable.  "Dorky" kids think things are cool, and those things are different than what "popular" kids think is cool.  So cool is relative to your friends; therefore, cool = acceptable.  It's semantics, really - but the teens don't realize this.  They just need to survive.

I have to say that it has been my experience that most parents give their teenagers sage and wise advice.  Most parents inherently know their children, regardless of how much or how little they work, socialize, etc.  I have found that most parents feel frustrated and at their wits end because their teen girl isn't listening, and they are worried beyond belief for her well-being.

When you take point #1 into consideration, you understand why she's resisting.  When you take #2 into mind, you realize why her peers opinions are more important than yours.  

And really, when she's an adult those peers are going to be her colleagues in the office, her friends on the social scene.  Those peers will have children her children's ages and they will be at birthday parties and PTA meetings together as adults (especially in towns as small as those here in Butte County).

So when she's struggling in these relationships, not putting down appropriate boundaries, expressing herself constructively, and not listing to your advice, that's when I am able to come in.  I am another adult.  I have a laugh-y, joke-y demeanor that throws them off a little.  "Not another adult who thinks too highly of themselves, but rather can listen without judging me or telling me what to do!"  Yep.  I don't tell teenagers what to do to fix their lives.  I help them think through their options and I help them make the decision.

I teach them to think and make decisions in a healthy way so they don't alienate themselves from their friends or family.

I really love it when parents come into therapy with us.  When your teen is starting therapy she's talking like a teen, and you are accustomed to talking with them like kids.  So we work on that and she has a safe harbor to try some new techniques, while you learn too.  Later, we bring parents back in to do it again, now your teen has had a few months of learning, and she has some more skills to practice with you.  Practicing with you is easier and safer than practicing on friends - so it gives her confidence!  

I do love those teen girls!  Someday they will be women, amazing women, our peers and colleagues!  How wonderful and lucky are we to get to watch and be a part of them growing and evolving.  Little butterflies!  Little birdies learning to fly!

---------------------------------
Jessica Wilkerson also provides therapy to families, couples, individuals, children and teens.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Tuesday evenings 6:00-7:30 pm, now through June 24.  Chico Creek Counseling.

Beginning next week, I'm offering a 7 week group for parents of adolescents.  If you have a pre-teen or teenager and your relationship with him/her has been affected by their new sets of behaviors.  Is this happening:  One minute they are sweet talking you like when they were little, the next minute they're screaming at you that you don't know anything and you're so unfair?

Has there been a change in your teenager's life: divorce of parents, changing of schools, changing of friends, the new freedom of having a driver's license or job, drama with friends.

And have you noticed these changes have also created changes in your home life. It's affecting your teen, but it's also contributing to confusion and hurt feelings by the rest of the family, and you've been trying your best to figure things out and smooth them over.

You are NOT alone!

I have provided therapy to many, many junior high and high school kids.  I have provided a lot of family therapy: the parents, the child(ren), me, and the sofa.  It seems that so many similar themes play out in families during this time of restructuring.  Every family I work with is very unique, and yet still struggling in similar ways.

I've created a 6 week program to talk about topics that I see as reoccurring themes to help parents know what is in their power.  Where to give leeway, where to hold firm, and develop a little more understanding about what is going on in that teen brain!

The group is $25 per session.  However, because for me this group is more about helping families.  Helping teens by helping their parents.  Helping fellow parents keep their serenity.  Because I'm passionate for families, I'm not doing this group to grow rich in money, but rich in love and satisfaction of helping others.  The first parent in the family who attends pays $25, but the second parent is only $10 (plus, the first session you attend is free!)  

Parent can also be a grandparent or caregiver struggling with the behaviors in the home, and looking to be a support system for the family.

Please call or text (530) 921-5122 or email jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com to register.

Class schedule is as follows:

5/13 - What is going on in that brain?!?!  Discussion about the changes in the teen brain & how it
           affects behavior.
5/20 - Where did I go wrong?  No one is perfect all the time.  How guilt influences the way we
           parent, & how to shed guilt.
5/27 - Expectations.  Parent expectations, tween/teen expectations - where is the balance? 
6/3 -   Boundaries with Teens.  Where do you draw your line, and how do you hold to it?
6/10 - A Family on a Mission.  How to bring cohesion to your family so everyone is on track &
           going the same direction. 
6/17 - Does it sometimes feel like your family is in chaos?  Learn strategies & techniques for
           holding a family meeting and getting your teen invested in the rules & the decisions made
          during that meeting.
6/24 - Conversation Hour.  No particular topic.  What is the nagging thing that is still lingering in 
           your family, and you want to talk about with Jessica and with a few other parents.  
           Let's just sit, chat, and troubleshoot!

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

"This teenager is old enough to know better."  "My teen should be able to do x, y, z, and they should be able to do it right the first time!"

You're right.  They probably are.  

You know your kids.

But there are a few things you might not know.  In a previous blog I discuss brain pruning. During the second dozen years of life (age 12-24) the brain is going through a full re-model (think of remodeling your house, but switch it out for a brain).   The teen brain is literally killing brain cells that the brain thinks might not be very necessary for the future in order to make room for new learning.  You'll have a teenager who is given an instruction to do a certain chore - a chore they've done a hundred times before, and suddenly they don't know how.  They only get half the steps right, and leave the other half incomplete.  When asked why they didn't do the chore up to snuff, they shrug and say they forgot.

They really did forget.  They aren't putting you on or blowing you off.

It's infuriating!  You know they know how to do it.  Grrrrrrr...  But they don't.  Their brain pruned it.  

You'll need to role model patience and compassion, and show them the steps to the task again.  Give your teenager the option of trying the task again and doing it the way you just showed them, or they can choose to experience a logical consequence.  They might give you a little lip about not wanting to do the chore over, but you were polite and compassionate, and you even gave them the option not to finish... while experiencing a consequence.  The principle here is they get to make that choice, and once the choice is made you can feel good about the outcome.

Sometimes as parents we get confused.  We have expectations that can be so variable.  We expect them to behave responsibly and act like mini-adults.  Then we expect them to obey us unwaveringly like they are children.  We expect them to voice their opinion, but we also expect them to go along with our directions.  

We expect them to spend quality time with the family.
We expect them to attend to their studies.
We expect them to get part time jobs.
We expect them to join sports.
We expect them to engage in youth group at church.
We expect them to have healthy social lives.
We expect them to help with chores around the house.
We expect them to be personable and pleasant to be around.
We expect them to love us like they did when they were little.
We expect them to have adult conversations with us about their life, feelings, friends, etc.
We expect them to drop everything and do what we need them to get done, when we need it done.

Then, their teachers have a set of expectations.  Their friends have a set of expectations.  Their bosses & coworkers have a set of expectations.  Their coaches have a set of expectations.  
So on, and so forth.

Oh goodness, I'm exhausted! No wonder teenagers rebel!  Who can live under all those expectations!  Who can live up to that?  Plus they have new emotions and goals that weren't there before, and they have to balance these with everyone else's expectation of what they should do and who they should be.

Have you read the blog about Gaining Respect from your Teen through Relationship Building?  This is where that strategy comes in so importantly.  When you have built that relationship and you have that foundation, you both have more compassion and empathy for one another.  Your teen is invested in rising to the level to meet some of these expectations, and you can see that some of these expectations are just too lofty and need to be lowered.

It would be wonderful if you could think of your expectations for your teen.  Make your list, then try to add five more expectations.  You likely have hidden expectations that you don't even realize are there.  Add five to your list.  You can do it, I believe in you!

Pick out the top few expectations that are non-negotiable.  Then look at a few that you could maybe lower.  When you show someone a bit of flexibility, they feel heard, understood, and valued.  

Have a discussion with your teen about the exercise you just did.  Ask them if this is an accurate reflection, or if they have any more expectations they feel they are living up to - and then talk about it.  How can you help them sculpt their day and week to live up to the non-negotiables while also satisfying everything else they have on their plate and providing some relaxation time to decompress.

I surely hope this posting has given you a bit of insight for your teen.  I know that you love him/her.  You wouldn't be reading this if you weren't an amazing parent who just wants to do right by your child and have a happy home life.  So much of this is happening under the surface and we have been operating the best we know how; but now, you have a few more tools in your tool belt.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Continued from: As Parents... It's Not All About Them: What Do WE Need to be Happy?  (Part 1)

Guilt.

I want to talk to you about guilt.  It's so ugly and destructive.  It tears down every piece of you.

When you parent from a place of guilt, you are also parenting from a place of powerlessness and unworthiness.  Have you ever met someone who operated from those spaces?  Maybe a coworker, boss, fellow student, or just an acquaintance when you took your child to the park?  What did you think of them?  Did their persona elicit respect, admiration, or love because they were so humble?  Guilt ≠ Humility.

It's easy to look back on our life and ruminate on the things we've done wrong, and it's even easier to beat ourselves up over parenting mistakes (some of those mistakes might be huge).  But this is important: Carrying the burden of guilt around does not make you a better parent.

This is your permission, from a psychotherapist, to release your guilt.

Guilt is your mind thinking about you.  How you feel about what happened.  How you impacted someone else negatively.  The guilt in your mind is pointing its finger at you, You, YOU (or me, Me, ME, however you read it).  

Guilt is self-centered.  Guilt says, "I did something wrong.  I am bad.  I am injured.  I need to be nurtured to heal."  So... I did something wrong works its way around to I need compassion.  It's all about the person who did the wrong and is carrying the guilt.  Guilt is greedy.  We both know from experience that effective parenting is anything but greedy or self-centeredness.

Remorse, on the other hand, is other-centered.  You mourn the other person.  You mourn what happened to them and what they experienced.  When you're feeling remorse over something that has happened to your child/teen, then you're also focusing on helping them heal.  With remorse you can grieve the thing that happened, and you can move on to repair the relationship. Remours says, "I did something wrong.  This person is hurting because of what happened.  How can I make this right and help them?"  Remorse moves you forward in your relationship, guilt keeps you stuck in a spiral of self-degradation.

So face up to it.  Know that you are human, humans are imperfect, and imperfections can run deep.  Apologize to your child/teen for what you caused and put the focus on how your beloved child feels (not how you feel).  And when you are forgiven - allow yourself to forgive you, too.

Compassion.

Full disclosure: as I write this, I have a 15 year old son.  I have a Master of Arts degree in Counseling Psychology, I provide psychotherapy and parenting skill-building for a living, and have a deep spiritual connection to God.

But just like you, I'm human.

And sometimes... my frustration gets the better of me.

From time to time, I'm tempted to ask my teen "WHAT were you thinking?" or, "I told you if you didn't start your homework earlier you wouldn't finish.  That bad grade is all your fault."   Those thoughts have been known to go through my head for a split second.  But what good would that do for my teen?  How would that prepare him for interacting with the world when he's an adult?  That would be my ego wanting control and acknowledgement, and his error is about him and not about me.  

As adults, how much do we need others to be there for us and to support us, even when we make a bad decision?  How much do we need our friends, family and partners?  Now, imagine being a teenager and needing that support equally or more.

There are enough "I told you so" people out in this world, our kids don't need those at home, too.

What influences a teen's ability to grow into a person who empathize with others is the amount of empathy and compassion he received when he made errors in judgement.  When he operated from his humanness.  

Connecting with the way it feels to mess up, let someone down, be let down, miscalculate a time schedule, feel unheard, be unable to articulate how you feel when you're feeling lousy - connecting with those feelings within you as a parent helps to stifle the "I told you so" button that you want to press when your teen didn't heed your sound advice and instead did it his way.  

Remember how powerless you felt when you were under everyone else's rules and expectations, and then something didn't go your way or you messed up.  It didn't feel good.

Compassion during times of tumult will not only keep peace in your home, but it will also draw your teen closer to you.  It makes you a safe person.  It makes you someone they can confide in when they are angry, sad or frustrated.  Teens feel resentful when the parent who was there for them as children is suddenly not as accessible because their expectations and reactions have shifted.  

As a parent, swallowing our pride and letting our teen own their misery, being there to listen and gently guide them into an appropriate response, and remembering not to take ownership over their mistake or their feelings goes a long way (miles long).

Self-Definition.

Your child is now a teen, and all the goals and aspirations you had for him are on the cusp of being attained.  It feels like he's at the ninth hour and it's make-it or break-it time.  If he can just maneuver his way through these last couple years, make good decisions, then it will be smooth sailing and all those dreams you had for him will come true.

But guess what.  You don't get to define your teen.  I know, it's so disappointing.  I'm there with you.  I remember tucking in the little guy at night and just imagining all the great things he could grow up to become.

And while, this isn't about my own son, but rather about that I can relate to those pulling, heart-breaking feelings when your teen resists and wants to do what he wants to do.  Dye his hair blue.  Quit track and field even though he's loved it all his life.  Play a lot more video games than you'd like him to play.  Yeah, those were not the images I had of him as a teen when he was 8 years old.

He gets to define himself.  He can be guided, and as parents we can (and should) put appropriate limits on the ways our teens choose to experiment with self-definition.  But we don't get to define our teenagers for them.

This portion of the article is not about defining our teens.  

It's about defining ourselves: as people (not as parents).  You get to define you.  Finally!

Who are you?  What do you stand for?  What are your non-negotiable values for this life?  What goals do you have and what are you doing to achieve them?

When you, as a parent and person, have a strong definition of who you are and what you stand for, your teen can see you as a cornerstone.  You can be the foundation that allows them to test the waters of their own identity.  They can trust that your "yes" means "yes" and your "no" means "no", and there is something very reassuring in knowing the ground beneath them is solid and holds their best interests.

When you have separated your self-definition from your teen's you can stand back and allow them to make mistakes without the need to rescue (who are you rescuing, them or yourself?).  You can respond appropriately without getting caught up in the teenage angst and drama.  You know that your identity and your ego is not threatened by their lapse in judgement.

You can have peace.  And best of all, you can provide peace.

This series continues:  As Parents... (Part 3)

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/