So, you've noticed some patterns in the way you interact with people in your life.  You've been becoming self-aware of negativity that comes out of your mouth and you're growing increasingly frustrated with yourself.  You never intended to become this person, but here you are.  

You want to change.  You want to be different.

But...

• But some of the people in your life are idiots and you can't help yourself when you respond with sarcasm.
• But there are some really rude folks at work and you feel like you have to fight fire with fire or else you'll get burned.
• ​But... there are also times where you're kind of the bully, and you're not super proud about it.

Ugh!  It's so frustrating because sometimes your quick wit and healthy self-esteem serve a greater purpose, and sometimes it douses you in the face!

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news: it's never serving the greater purpose.

People with self-control over the words they think and say actually have the upper hand when confronted with "idiots" and "rudeness."  Quick wit is wonderful when in a mutual debate or poetry slam, but using it as a defense mechanism is what is fueling the part of you that's unsafe.

It feels so much more vulnerable to pause and to take a pass.  Don't get me wrong, taking a pass doesn't mean lying down and taking abuse.  It means that you're rising higher and that you're better than the defensiveness that's boiling up inside of you.  It means that you're growing and that eventually you'll be far away from those "idiots" and "rude mongers."  Because when you stop the game with them you become boring to them.

So here's what it looks like to work on BECOMING safer:

Acknowledge hurt you've inflicted on the people in your inner circle: your spouse, child(ren), siblings, parents, whomever it is that's truly near and dear to you.  Is there a best friend who feels like a sibling?  They count, too.  

Tell them that you've been noticing how you've been pretty negative and you feel like you've been hurtful over the past (period of time).  Tell them that because you've noticed this you want to apologize for any ways you've been inappropriate and that you're really working on being self-aware and curbing this part of you.  

Know that it takes time, change happens slowly and relapse is a part of the change cycle - so you'll probably be unsafe again from time to time, but the intervals will get fewer and farther between.

The rest of the folks on the outskirts of  your inner circle, you can take them on a case-by-case basis.  You can just start trying to implement the self-awareness and let the relationship evolve on its own without your grand declaration.  

Tasks to facilitate change:

• Start looking for things to appreciate about others.  You don't have to tell them to their face (you can, but it's not necessary).  Just look for it and notice it: for example, "Janet is very conscientious about keeping her files in order, it's nice when I have to look through one of hers because I can find things right away." or "Melissa always has a smile on her face, even when the people around here are griping or snapping at each other."
• Start looking for things to appreciate about yourself and your changes, for example: "I'm drained at the end of the day after all this paying attention to my stuff while also trying to do my job. I'm kind of a rock star for it!" 
• Find things to compliment in the world at large.  "Wow, the city counsel has really been working hard for the past few years to make this part of town greener.  I can't wait until all those new trees get big and bushy."   

You might start feeling a little "Pollyanna" because it's new to you, and because people don't generally go around looking for all this positive.  But A.) you're trying to change so it takes a little extra, and B.) it feels like Pollyanna because you're not used to it.  People who are safe people are also people who regularly look for ways to build other up, even in small ways. 

But do you see that part there?  They LOOK for ways to build others up.  That's a verb.  A doing word.  It's a muscle that needs to be exercised so it becomes second nature.  It will eventually become natural to give a sincere "good job" and to allow negativity to flow from you like water off a duck's back.

Change is exhausting at first, I'll be honest.  So is starting a new exercise routine when you're out of shape.  But both of those things get easier with time, practice, and consistency.  You've got this!

You are not an island.  I actually say that more often than you'd expect from a therapist.  But it's one of my favorite sayings because it can mean several things in different circumstances.  Here's what I mean when I say, "You're not an island:"

You are affected by other people.
So many people beat themselves up or call themselves weak when they get their feelings hurt by what someone else says or does.  They think they should have complete control over their own thoughts and feelings that if they hurt or are offended it means there's something wrong with them.  Nope.  

In large part you are indeed responsible for your thoughts, feelings, and actions.  But you're not an island.  People do and say things that hurt you.  People can be unkind or selfish.  You can feel left out, disappointed, pained, etc.  It's what you do in response that separates you from the rest of the world.  Do you retaliate?  Do you criticize yourself?  Do you withdraw?  Do you confront diplomatically?  Those are the things you have control over, not whether or not your feelings were hurt by someone else's cruelty, that's natural and human. 

And after all, you're not an island...

You effect other people.
A lot of folks mistakenly believe that their inner voice is their own.  And yes, it is.  It is truly and more than you realize.  What I mean is that your inner voice affects your outer voice and actions.  Your inner voice isn't really just an inner commentary that lives and let's live.

When you're making fun of people in your head, the way you treat them in real life is influenced.  If you're loving and respectful about them, looking for things they do well, in your head then also you influence the way you interact with them.  If you're inner voice has that sarcastic "I hate people" mantra, but you think you're a nice guy... well, your "nice guy-ness" is colored by that statement you tell yourself about others.  

This goes the same for how you talk about yourself to yourself, too.  Can you see the pattern?

The thoughts you think are your own.  You are responsible for them.  But the thoughts you think effect the way you behave in your relationships with other people, because you are not an island and neither is your mind.

How does this change things?

It changes them BIG TIME!  When you give yourself permission to feel your feelings but take ownership on how you respond to those feelings it makes a positive difference in your relationships.  When you realize that your inner dialogue is influencing the relationships around you then you can start monitoring that inner dialogue and start enjoying people more deeply and safely.

It's up to you.  You.  Are.  Powerful!

What life do you want for yourself?  What kind of relationships do you want?  

​You're not an island, so no matter what choice you make it effects you as well as those around you.

Sometimes we wonder if we are making healthy choices by limiting our interaction with others or if we're pushing people away.  When those thoughts creep in we start to ask ourselves if we're safe people or not.  Personally, I believe that sort of questioning is so healthy and regardless of where we are on the scale of safe or not - just asking that question and digging deeper into our own behaviors and thoughts moves you up a notch or two on the scale of safety.  Unsafe people aren't usually asking that about themselves (until and unless they're ready to change, at which time they inadvertently become slightly safer because they're more invested in not hurting others than they were before they started their journey for knowledge).

In order to be a safe person for other people, you must first be a safe person for yourself.

What are your thoughts?  Are you putting yourself down?  Are you overly critical of your accomplishments?  Do you compare yourself?

Here are some thoughts that people wouldn't necessarily identify as being an unsafe person to themselves:

1) If only I had a bigger house or more money for nicer furniture. This place looks cheap or dated.

2) Gosh, I hate my (body part), why couldn't God have given me.... (thicker hair, a better metabolism, etc).

3) I can't dance, why bother going out with friends to the concert.  I'll look and feel stupid.

4) My boss liked the job I did on that thing, but if he only knew that I whipped it out half-assed he'd be pretty irritated.

5) My boss liked the job I did on that thing, but it took every ounce of everything I have to get that done, I couldn't do it again.  I hope he doesn't expect this quality of me again in the future.  I totally screwed myself.

6) There's no way my spouse is happy right now, life stinks, she's totally faking it and lying to me by doing so.

I could go on and on and on...... But do you see a trend here?  People think that negative self-talk is saying, "I'm a piece of garbage."  But really, it's just holding yourself up to a standard that isn't true and has you falling short.  It's rephrasing things in a way that is defeating and defeated.  And when you're regularly shortchanging yourself and the people who love you you're not being a safe person for yourself.

If you can't be safe for yourself, then how can you possible be safe for other people?

It comes out in the end.  You might really feel like you're building people up around you, but then you have those days where the unsafe self-talk is displayed in your interactions with others.  It's during those times that the people around you become confused.  Is this person for me or against me?  Since it's inconsistent they size you up as unsafe.  They might even start behaving negatively toward you as their defense mechanism, and you'll have no idea why.

Oh man, it can get so convoluted.  Relationships with others start first and foremost with our relationship with ourselves.  

I really love it when I am providing couples counseling and the individuals are also seeking their own therapy because it's a place where they can explore what's going on in their minds and hearts while I'm working with their relationship as its own entity.  Actually, to be honest, my absolute favorite is to be the therapist working with the individual while they're getting couples sessions with someone else.  There's just something really beautiful about helping someone explore themselves and grow, and then watching them use that knowledge to also help their relationship heal.

I was talking with a girlfriend the other day and she asked me how does she know if she's the one who's toxic or if it's the other person.  She gave me a moment to pause and think.  How do I answer her?  This question is heavy.

The reality of the situation was that my friend grew up in a very toxic household with parents who didn't display healthy coping, relationships, and took everything out on the kids (i.e. blaming everyone else and not making amends).  Does that mean my friend is toxic?  Heck no!

Does that mean that my friend has a few social skills to learn so she can:
 
A) Learn how not to accept undue blame.
B) Learn how to take ownership for what's hers when she's in the wrong.
C) Learn how to reach out and make amends.
D) Learn how to accept an apology gracefully.
E) Learn how to identify toxic behaviors from others (because she's used to certain ones, they feel normal to her).
E) Learn how to love herself when she implements healthy boundaries and then toxic people fight her on them.

All of the above.

Our parents do the best they can with what they have.  I firmly believe (and maybe because I'm a mom, myself) that parents truly try to do what's right for their kids - yes, even selfish or abusive ones.  Parents don't have it on their radar that now that they have children they have little slaves or the perfect excuses to keep engaging in unhealthy thinking and behaviors - those are just a part of their own wounding that usually they either don't see or think they're powerless over.

We can't go back and change our childhoods.  We can't prevent the pain that we're still healing from.  

But what we CAN do is look into "where am I hurting and what do I need to learn in order to be the kind of person I want to become?"  A little bit of exploring our childhoods allows us to give ourselves grace and to disallow the illusion of perfection from creeping into our self-expectations.  But beyond that, it really becomes about what messages are my reality and are those messages really true for me or for the world at large?  How can I grow and learn from my patterns or my thinking so I can be freer and more comfortable/confident in my life and in myself?

That's my favorite part about being a therapist.  I have grown, healed, and am always a work-in-progress so I can be the best mom, wife, friend, and SELF that I can be, so when I'm working with someone in that space I fully understand how taxing and draining it can be, but I also know how liberating and beautiful it is to get to the other side.

You've got this!  Like my friend, keep asking those questions.