Sometimes we wonder if we are making healthy choices by limiting our interaction with others or if we're pushing people away. When those thoughts creep in we start to ask ourselves if we're safe people or not. Personally, I believe that sort of questioning is so healthy and regardless of where we are on the scale of safe or not - just asking that question and digging deeper into our own behaviors and thoughts moves you up a notch or two on the scale of safety. Unsafe people aren't usually asking that about themselves (until and unless they're ready to change, at which time they inadvertently become slightly safer because they're more invested in not hurting others than they were before they started their journey for knowledge).
In order to be a safe person for other people, you must first be a safe person for yourself.
What are your thoughts? Are you putting yourself down? Are you overly critical of your accomplishments? Do you compare yourself?
Here are some thoughts that people wouldn't necessarily identify as being an unsafe person to themselves:
1) If only I had a bigger house or more money for nicer furniture. This place looks cheap or dated.
2) Gosh, I hate my (body part), why couldn't God have given me.... (thicker hair, a better metabolism, etc).
3) I can't dance, why bother going out with friends to the concert. I'll look and feel stupid.
4) My boss liked the job I did on that thing, but if he only knew that I whipped it out half-assed he'd be pretty irritated.
5) My boss liked the job I did on that thing, but it took every ounce of everything I have to get that done, I couldn't do it again. I hope he doesn't expect this quality of me again in the future. I totally screwed myself.
6) There's no way my spouse is happy right now, life stinks, she's totally faking it and lying to me by doing so.
I could go on and on and on...... But do you see a trend here? People think that negative self-talk is saying, "I'm a piece of garbage." But really, it's just holding yourself up to a standard that isn't true and has you falling short. It's rephrasing things in a way that is defeating and defeated. And when you're regularly shortchanging yourself and the people who love you you're not being a safe person for yourself.
If you can't be safe for yourself, then how can you possible be safe for other people?
It comes out in the end. You might really feel like you're building people up around you, but then you have those days where the unsafe self-talk is displayed in your interactions with others. It's during those times that the people around you become confused. Is this person for me or against me? Since it's inconsistent they size you up as unsafe. They might even start behaving negatively toward you as their defense mechanism, and you'll have no idea why.
Oh man, it can get so convoluted. Relationships with others start first and foremost with our relationship with ourselves.
I really love it when I am providing couples counseling and the individuals are also seeking their own therapy because it's a place where they can explore what's going on in their minds and hearts while I'm working with their relationship as its own entity. Actually, to be honest, my absolute favorite is to be the therapist working with the individual while they're getting couples sessions with someone else. There's just something really beautiful about helping someone explore themselves and grow, and then watching them use that knowledge to also help their relationship heal.
In order to be a safe person for other people, you must first be a safe person for yourself.
What are your thoughts? Are you putting yourself down? Are you overly critical of your accomplishments? Do you compare yourself?
Here are some thoughts that people wouldn't necessarily identify as being an unsafe person to themselves:
1) If only I had a bigger house or more money for nicer furniture. This place looks cheap or dated.
2) Gosh, I hate my (body part), why couldn't God have given me.... (thicker hair, a better metabolism, etc).
3) I can't dance, why bother going out with friends to the concert. I'll look and feel stupid.
4) My boss liked the job I did on that thing, but if he only knew that I whipped it out half-assed he'd be pretty irritated.
5) My boss liked the job I did on that thing, but it took every ounce of everything I have to get that done, I couldn't do it again. I hope he doesn't expect this quality of me again in the future. I totally screwed myself.
6) There's no way my spouse is happy right now, life stinks, she's totally faking it and lying to me by doing so.
I could go on and on and on...... But do you see a trend here? People think that negative self-talk is saying, "I'm a piece of garbage." But really, it's just holding yourself up to a standard that isn't true and has you falling short. It's rephrasing things in a way that is defeating and defeated. And when you're regularly shortchanging yourself and the people who love you you're not being a safe person for yourself.
If you can't be safe for yourself, then how can you possible be safe for other people?
It comes out in the end. You might really feel like you're building people up around you, but then you have those days where the unsafe self-talk is displayed in your interactions with others. It's during those times that the people around you become confused. Is this person for me or against me? Since it's inconsistent they size you up as unsafe. They might even start behaving negatively toward you as their defense mechanism, and you'll have no idea why.
Oh man, it can get so convoluted. Relationships with others start first and foremost with our relationship with ourselves.
I really love it when I am providing couples counseling and the individuals are also seeking their own therapy because it's a place where they can explore what's going on in their minds and hearts while I'm working with their relationship as its own entity. Actually, to be honest, my absolute favorite is to be the therapist working with the individual while they're getting couples sessions with someone else. There's just something really beautiful about helping someone explore themselves and grow, and then watching them use that knowledge to also help their relationship heal.
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