Anxiety in children can often take on the characteristics of other disorders and can be “misdiagnosed” by the people in the child’s life: parents, family members, teachers, etc.  This is because children don’t have the ability to conceptualize and articulate what’s going on intrapsychically for themselves. A child identifies, “I don’t feel good.” They don’t identify the sense of foreboding, or feeling of “waiting for the other shoe to drop.”  They can’t figure out why they feel this way, but they want the feeling to stop and they’ll do anything to make that happen.

To stop the anxiety they might refuse to participate in an activity.  They could seem keyed-up or restless. They might isolate themselves and fight their parent tooth and nail to keep from engaging in whatever the parent wants them to do (go to school, do homework, get dressed, leave the house, etc).  They might create little rituals that seem like OCD.

All these behaviors can be mistaken for ADHD, ODD, and OCD.  The child seems out of control.

But what’s really going on under the surface?

Has this child heard about or witnessed an event that may have put themselves or someone they love in jeopardy?  This can happen and then the child begins to worry excessively about it happening again. If a classmate is injured or a family friend goes to the hospital the child may have processed this event in such a way that he/she is worried that the event could occur again, and this time it will happen tragically in their own life.  This child might become clingy to a parent, have nightmares, be aggressive to peers or adults, create rituals, and/or have meltdowns. The common denominator here is that the child is trying to find a way to exert control in his/her life in order to keep themselves safe or keep a loved one safe. They are feeling scared and powerless over safety issues and so they do the only things they know how to do… and it’s not intellectual articulation of their fears.

Does this child have a concept in his/her mind that is hurtful and they are trying to cope and avoid the situation?  Let’s say this child has decided they have two left feet, and that they’re terrible at sports. Let’s say they’re average, neither good nor bad.  But every time it’s nearly P.E. they start getting a headache or a stomachache. Every time it’s recess they suddenly become engrossed in their drawing and they ask the teacher if they can stay in the classroom, and if the teacher has things to do and tells the child they must go outside then the child has a meltdown because they think they’ll have to be athletic on recess.

It might look like they are trying to get their way.  It might look manipulative. But these avoidance behaviors are an effort not to get to do a different thing or to have control over someone else, but they’re usually in response to something negative they’re telling themselves about engaging in situations.  Then, self-fulfilling prophecy kicks in - they go to the school nurse for their stomach ache during PE, they don’t keep practicing the sport during their P.E. class, the classmates improve their skill and camaraderie, and the child’s self-image of not being good at sports is reinforced.  So the following day, as it gets closer to P.E. his/her headache comes on sooner or stronger and they need to skip again.  
​
Do you just let kids skip class subjects because of their anxiety?  It depends. Sometimes sitting with a tutor until the child’s sense of competence has elevated can be really helpful.  Sometimes discovering the maladaptive script the child is repeating in their mind and then providing contradictory statements to build confidence is what’s needed.  Sometimes having the child talk with a therapist can do wonders. Sometimes all three together can create synergy. Personally, I’d start wherever the child is the most comfortable - they might be too embarrassed for a tutor, but they’ll talk to you or talk to a therapist.  They might be more closed and unwilling to talk, but they’d sit with a tutor and learn while the tutor also points out how smart they are or how far they’ve come so they can start to look at themselves differently.

When engaging with a child who might have anxiety (or any of the other disorders) it’s important to maintain your sense of compassion.  This child didn’t ask for this. They didn’t look at a menu of behaviors or mental health issues and request it, even though it often FEELS like they’re being willfully defiant.  

They just know that they “don’t feel good.” and they are guessing at why - and usually they’re wrong, but they’re trying.  Find your own inner peace, try your hardest to be present and to ask and listen to what they need in that moment and find a way to compromise so they get their needs met, but still follow an amended request.  Ex: Your child doesn’t want to go to school, you ask why, they don’t know or won’t tell you, then you ask what they need. They say they need to stay home. That won’t work, you have a job to go to and it’s the law they go to school.  You are calm and relaxed and you say, “I hear you that it’s hard to be at school all day and you want to stay home. Unfortunately, I have to go to work and I can’t stay home with you - and you’re too little to stay home alone all day.  So is there something else you need to help you feel better about going to school?”  

This is where the child might make a request: different shoes, new pencils, cold lunch, to be picked up early, etc.  Then keep it in your mind that they aren’t asking for these things because they “just want them” but because somehow this request is intended to keep them safe from a perceived danger.  Work with your child on how to meet their need, and while doing so continue to assess and build them up in their self-efficacy.

Patience.   Breathing. Being present.  Compassion. 

Anxiety is hard for grownups.  Can you imagine being little and experiencing that big feeling?

For more information and a bulleted list of symptoms on Anxiety in children click here.

Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #104464

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Jessica Wilkerson works in Chico, California where she helps adults, teens and children learn to listen to their emotions and listen to their bodies so they can develop coping skills for their anxiety and flip it so the amount of joy in their lives exceeds anxiety.  In life there will be stressors, but how we cope with them determines our resilience and happiness in the long run.  To contact Jessica for an appointment please call/text her at (530) 994-5114 or email her at jdw@jessicawilkerson.com

 Sometimes we get into a rut of thinking that if we acknowledge something then the other person might believe that we are approving or authorizing that thing.  What do I mean by that?  What type of relationship does this affect?

It affects all the relationships: friendship, romantic, parent, family, you-name-it.

Here's an example, your friend has been going out and socializing regularly.  You start to notice that it's more often than it used to be and that it's starting to effect various aspects of their life.  You also notice that the people they're spending time with have changed and these people don't hold the same value system that your friend usually holds.  If you acknowledge the situation you're afraid that your friend will either feel judged by you or that you think it's okay.  Neither outcome is desired, so you keep it to yourself and watch your friend while feeling powerless to do anything.

But that's not true.  Those aren't the only options.

You can acknowledge many aspects of this without approving of the behavior.  Your friend feeling judged is 50% how you steward the conversation and 50% their inner dialogue on how they interpret the conversation (from what lense are they viewing this conversation).

• Friend, I can see that you've been really enjoying yourself lately!  I love how you've been so spontaneous and it seems like there's a new side of you that's really having fun.  It's great!  I would like to acknowledge that I've also noticed that some of the priorities you've had in the past aren't priorities anymore and I'm wondering what's going on for you.  
• Friend, I just want to check in with you.  I've noticed that you've been drinking more often than usual, how are things going?
• Spouse, I know those have been your friends for a long time, but I don't like the way you talk to me when they're around.   I'm not asking you to stop spending time with them, but I don't approve of the changes that happen in your personality with you are around them and around me at the same time.

​You can acknowledge something without approving of it - and if you acknowledge it well then your half of the conversation road is going to be as smooth as possible.  The other person might have a painful history that's triggered and they don't  respond well.  If that happens, you can stand firm in the knowledge that you were authentic, you tried to be kind in your delivery, and that you gave the other person the opportunity to know what was on your heart.

Most people will respond with curiosity, a little defensiveness, and kindness in response.  This can be an opportunity to grow your relationship in a positive way.  If the conversation goes well then trust is built.  If the two individuals come to a solution together then that teamwork brings them close again.  The ability to be vulnerable and safe can be huge for both people in these scenarios:
confiding your disapproval is vulnerable - hearing someone acknowledge their disapproval is vulnerable.  The two of you are potentially wearing your hearts on your sleeve, and when you're safe with each other it can blossom the relationship.

But even if the person is triggered or if you delivered your message all wrong - there's still opportunity to repair that rift, make the relationship whole, and continue knowing that you were honest about your worry and that you didn't sit back and do nothing.  You tried because this person is important to you and they are worth the risk.

Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #104464

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Jessica Wilkerson works in Chico, California helping individuals, couples, and families learn how to communicate safely and effectively with a desire to heal wounds and grow bonds through processing past and current pain.  Jessica believes in the power of honesty and authenticity in healthy relationships and works hard to help her clients influence their lives positively through communication with others and with themselves.

You can contact Jessica for an appointment by calling/texting her at (530) 994-5114 or emailing her at jdw@jessicawilkerson.com.

"What do you mean, 'owning our choices?' Of course I own my choices!"

Here's the thing, the way we talk to ourselves and to other people can often lead us astray from authenticity and lead us to the same ol' path toward the self-preservation of using our mask.  We mostly do it to protect ourselves from ourselves.

What do I mean by that?

Well, we are humans and in our humanity we can tend to make bad choices.  In that humanity we can tend to be judgmental.  We can easily end up judging ourselves and then subconsciously fear others will judge us with that same standard (or worse).

So we bend the truth:

• "I didn't have time to get that done." = We had time.  We were burned out or tired, so we watched TV instead.  

• "I didn't realize the deadline was on this date." = We likely knew it was that date and if we didn't we were capable of reaching out and confirming the deadline.  We thought we could find flexibility, we have a difficulty with time management, or we were dreading it so we procrastinated and ran out of time.

• "Yes, I'll go to that event with you." or "Yes, I'll do that favor for you." = We wanted to say no, but couldn't think of a good reason not to do it, so we said yes.  Now we're going through the motions of the thing we said yes to, but we're doing it half-heartedly or with a resentful heart.

None of those examples are showing us in our best and most authentic light.  Most of the time we believe what we're saying while we're saying it.  We want to.  We need to.  If we felt we were lying then we'd feel too convicted, ouch. Right in the heart.  There's some truth to whatever it is we just said... so we say it and let it go.

But what if it looked like this instead:

• "I'm sorry, I didn't get it done.  I've been feeling really burned out lately and I just really needed to refresh so I could be at my best.  I plan on tackling it first thing on Monday."

• "I wasn't able to make the deadline, and I apologize.  I need one more day to finish, is that okay?"
  

• "That event sounds amazing, but I'm going to have to skip it this time." or "I feel for you that you need help with that thing (favor), but I just can't do it right now."

In none of those examples did we have to over-explain ourselves or bend the truth.  We owned it.

With the last bullet point where the person said yes to an event or favor but went about it half-heartedly or with some resentment I gave the bulleted example of saying no, but there are some times where saying yes is appropriate.  They've gone out of their way for you in the past or they're truly in need and while you don't really want to you know it's the right thing to do to say yes.  In that instance let your yes mean yes.

If you tell someone yes - then do it full-heartedly and without resentment.  You said yes.  It's not their fault that you made the choice to go with them when you weren't feeling it.  If you made the choice to say yes, then also make the choice to enjoy yourself.  Make the choice to pull yourself out of whatever mood you're in and try to find the good in the situation.  Is there a song playing you love and you can bop along to?  Is there a friend there that you usually enjoy seeing?  Are you going to be blessing someone with this favor and it feels good to pay it forward?  You chose to say yes to the friend and/or the event/favor - so then also choose to say yes to putting your best foot forward.  

Own your yes.

Yes is a choice.

No is a choice.

Own each one of those.

Let your yes mean yes, and your no mean no.  Own it.  Don't say one and mean the other, and then make the people around you pay the price for your inability to be authentic.

Let that sink in.  Marinate on it.  Hear yourself when you're bending the truth or using the wrong yes/no.  Let yourself have grace from judgment and just keep working on being real.  Being true to yourself and thereby true to others.

You'll be surprised at how much people respect this quality it the people around them.  It makes you trustworthy.  People respect trustworthy.

So, you've noticed some patterns in the way you interact with people in your life.  You've been becoming self-aware of negativity that comes out of your mouth and you're growing increasingly frustrated with yourself.  You never intended to become this person, but here you are.  

You want to change.  You want to be different.

But...

• But some of the people in your life are idiots and you can't help yourself when you respond with sarcasm.
• But there are some really rude folks at work and you feel like you have to fight fire with fire or else you'll get burned.
• ​But... there are also times where you're kind of the bully, and you're not super proud about it.

Ugh!  It's so frustrating because sometimes your quick wit and healthy self-esteem serve a greater purpose, and sometimes it douses you in the face!

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news: it's never serving the greater purpose.

People with self-control over the words they think and say actually have the upper hand when confronted with "idiots" and "rudeness."  Quick wit is wonderful when in a mutual debate or poetry slam, but using it as a defense mechanism is what is fueling the part of you that's unsafe.

It feels so much more vulnerable to pause and to take a pass.  Don't get me wrong, taking a pass doesn't mean lying down and taking abuse.  It means that you're rising higher and that you're better than the defensiveness that's boiling up inside of you.  It means that you're growing and that eventually you'll be far away from those "idiots" and "rude mongers."  Because when you stop the game with them you become boring to them.

So here's what it looks like to work on BECOMING safer:

Acknowledge hurt you've inflicted on the people in your inner circle: your spouse, child(ren), siblings, parents, whomever it is that's truly near and dear to you.  Is there a best friend who feels like a sibling?  They count, too.  

Tell them that you've been noticing how you've been pretty negative and you feel like you've been hurtful over the past (period of time).  Tell them that because you've noticed this you want to apologize for any ways you've been inappropriate and that you're really working on being self-aware and curbing this part of you.  

Know that it takes time, change happens slowly and relapse is a part of the change cycle - so you'll probably be unsafe again from time to time, but the intervals will get fewer and farther between.

The rest of the folks on the outskirts of  your inner circle, you can take them on a case-by-case basis.  You can just start trying to implement the self-awareness and let the relationship evolve on its own without your grand declaration.  

Tasks to facilitate change:

• Start looking for things to appreciate about others.  You don't have to tell them to their face (you can, but it's not necessary).  Just look for it and notice it: for example, "Janet is very conscientious about keeping her files in order, it's nice when I have to look through one of hers because I can find things right away." or "Melissa always has a smile on her face, even when the people around here are griping or snapping at each other."
• Start looking for things to appreciate about yourself and your changes, for example: "I'm drained at the end of the day after all this paying attention to my stuff while also trying to do my job. I'm kind of a rock star for it!" 
• Find things to compliment in the world at large.  "Wow, the city counsel has really been working hard for the past few years to make this part of town greener.  I can't wait until all those new trees get big and bushy."   

You might start feeling a little "Pollyanna" because it's new to you, and because people don't generally go around looking for all this positive.  But A.) you're trying to change so it takes a little extra, and B.) it feels like Pollyanna because you're not used to it.  People who are safe people are also people who regularly look for ways to build other up, even in small ways. 

But do you see that part there?  They LOOK for ways to build others up.  That's a verb.  A doing word.  It's a muscle that needs to be exercised so it becomes second nature.  It will eventually become natural to give a sincere "good job" and to allow negativity to flow from you like water off a duck's back.

Change is exhausting at first, I'll be honest.  So is starting a new exercise routine when you're out of shape.  But both of those things get easier with time, practice, and consistency.  You've got this!

There's this buzz word out in the world called BOUNDARIES.

What does that even mean?  You know you should have them.  You think you probably don't.  You hear the word "boundaries" and you think that it must be a measuring stick that you should be living up to, and that others are judging you by.

Let's demystify boundaries when it comes to parenting.

Boundaries are the gauge by which you allow people permission in your life.  Basically, how you let other people treat you, and how you treat other people.

THERE ARE TWO PARTS TO THIS.

ONE.

When it comes to children and teens, it's even bigger.  They are engaging with their peers and teachers in school, so they have first hand experience trying to figure out how to treat other people and how others treat them (peers & authority figures).  They look everywhere for the measuring stick: television, other peers, and most importantly their parents.

Your child or teen looks to their parent for permission on what is socially acceptable and responsible.  When your child was little you could say the words and tell them how to behave and what to allow.  Then, when your child grew and became a teen they stopped paying so much attention to your words, but they start paying attention to your actions.

What do you let their other parent get away with in their relationship with you?  What do you let their siblings get away with?  How do your friends treat you, and do you put a stop to things when your friends are being impolite or do you allow their indiscretions?    In what ways do you allow your teen to talk or behave in your relationship?  

What are YOUR boundaries with all the relationships in your life?


This is what your pre-teen and teenager is evaluating when they decide how to treat you and how to treat their friends.  

TWO.
 
Safety.  Kids and teens know that you are their protector.  They know that you have it all figured out (even when we're really just humans who don't have it all figured out).

If you are a consistent parent who says "no" to certain and specific things regularly, they can feel safe to know that a) this is something that is not acceptable, and b) they can try to persuade you to give-in, and if you give in then they know that you really mean it's okay this time - since you've been so consistently honorable with your "no" in the past.  It makes your teen feel safe to know that  you really thought this through and decided it is safe and okay - and they can rest in the knowledge that it's safe and okay - they are safe and okay.

If you have been inconsistent in the past with "no," "yes," and "maybe," they don't really know what is safe and okay, what is negotiable because it's is a power issue, what is negotiable because you haven't thought it through yet, and what isn't safe.  There are no fences in the world to keep the bad guys out, and the good guys in.  There's no definition, and very little trust.

It would make sense that they would act disrespectfully when they don't know where the boundaries are, how can they respect what they don't know or trust?

As their negotiating skills improve, as their button pushing improves, they start to realize that there is an imbalance of power in the relationship - and they have the lion's share.  Teens have never had this kind of power before, nobody has taught them to wield it wisely.

Teens learn to grow up with healthy relationships because someone loved them enough to tell them "no" and allowed them to suffer the consequences while they were still young enough that the consequence wasn't too hard.  I talk more about consequences in another blog post.

In the meantime, what are a few ways that your child or teenager invades your boundaries?
What are some relationships in your life where you need better boundaries, and your child/teen has witnessed other people treating you poorly, and you've allowed it.

Now, what is one boundary issue that you would like to resolve with your teen?  Just one!  Rome wasn't built in a day, boundaries are hard and it hurts when you make changes like this - too many too soon won't stick.  

Pick one boundary and focus on improving that over the next few weeks.  Then, re-read this blog post to refresh yourself and start on another boundary.  Put it on your calendar, schedule yourself to re-read the post and work on your 2nd issue.  

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Jessica Wilkerson also provides therapy to families, couples, individuals, children and teens.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Tuesday evenings 6:00-7:30 pm, now through June 24.  Chico Creek Counseling.

Beginning next week, I'm offering a 7 week group for parents of adolescents.  If you have a pre-teen or teenager and your relationship with him/her has been affected by their new sets of behaviors.  Is this happening:  One minute they are sweet talking you like when they were little, the next minute they're screaming at you that you don't know anything and you're so unfair?

Has there been a change in your teenager's life: divorce of parents, changing of schools, changing of friends, the new freedom of having a driver's license or job, drama with friends.

And have you noticed these changes have also created changes in your home life. It's affecting your teen, but it's also contributing to confusion and hurt feelings by the rest of the family, and you've been trying your best to figure things out and smooth them over.

You are NOT alone!

I have provided therapy to many, many junior high and high school kids.  I have provided a lot of family therapy: the parents, the child(ren), me, and the sofa.  It seems that so many similar themes play out in families during this time of restructuring.  Every family I work with is very unique, and yet still struggling in similar ways.

I've created a 6 week program to talk about topics that I see as reoccurring themes to help parents know what is in their power.  Where to give leeway, where to hold firm, and develop a little more understanding about what is going on in that teen brain!

The group is $25 per session.  However, because for me this group is more about helping families.  Helping teens by helping their parents.  Helping fellow parents keep their serenity.  Because I'm passionate for families, I'm not doing this group to grow rich in money, but rich in love and satisfaction of helping others.  The first parent in the family who attends pays $25, but the second parent is only $10 (plus, the first session you attend is free!)  

Parent can also be a grandparent or caregiver struggling with the behaviors in the home, and looking to be a support system for the family.

Please call or text (530) 921-5122 or email jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com to register.

Class schedule is as follows:

5/13 - What is going on in that brain?!?!  Discussion about the changes in the teen brain & how it
           affects behavior.
5/20 - Where did I go wrong?  No one is perfect all the time.  How guilt influences the way we
           parent, & how to shed guilt.
5/27 - Expectations.  Parent expectations, tween/teen expectations - where is the balance? 
6/3 -   Boundaries with Teens.  Where do you draw your line, and how do you hold to it?
6/10 - A Family on a Mission.  How to bring cohesion to your family so everyone is on track &
           going the same direction. 
6/17 - Does it sometimes feel like your family is in chaos?  Learn strategies & techniques for
           holding a family meeting and getting your teen invested in the rules & the decisions made
          during that meeting.
6/24 - Conversation Hour.  No particular topic.  What is the nagging thing that is still lingering in 
           your family, and you want to talk about with Jessica and with a few other parents.  
           Let's just sit, chat, and troubleshoot!

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

"This teenager is old enough to know better."  "My teen should be able to do x, y, z, and they should be able to do it right the first time!"

You're right.  They probably are.  

You know your kids.

But there are a few things you might not know.  In a previous blog I discuss brain pruning. During the second dozen years of life (age 12-24) the brain is going through a full re-model (think of remodeling your house, but switch it out for a brain).   The teen brain is literally killing brain cells that the brain thinks might not be very necessary for the future in order to make room for new learning.  You'll have a teenager who is given an instruction to do a certain chore - a chore they've done a hundred times before, and suddenly they don't know how.  They only get half the steps right, and leave the other half incomplete.  When asked why they didn't do the chore up to snuff, they shrug and say they forgot.

They really did forget.  They aren't putting you on or blowing you off.

It's infuriating!  You know they know how to do it.  Grrrrrrr...  But they don't.  Their brain pruned it.  

You'll need to role model patience and compassion, and show them the steps to the task again.  Give your teenager the option of trying the task again and doing it the way you just showed them, or they can choose to experience a logical consequence.  They might give you a little lip about not wanting to do the chore over, but you were polite and compassionate, and you even gave them the option not to finish... while experiencing a consequence.  The principle here is they get to make that choice, and once the choice is made you can feel good about the outcome.

Sometimes as parents we get confused.  We have expectations that can be so variable.  We expect them to behave responsibly and act like mini-adults.  Then we expect them to obey us unwaveringly like they are children.  We expect them to voice their opinion, but we also expect them to go along with our directions.  

We expect them to spend quality time with the family.
We expect them to attend to their studies.
We expect them to get part time jobs.
We expect them to join sports.
We expect them to engage in youth group at church.
We expect them to have healthy social lives.
We expect them to help with chores around the house.
We expect them to be personable and pleasant to be around.
We expect them to love us like they did when they were little.
We expect them to have adult conversations with us about their life, feelings, friends, etc.
We expect them to drop everything and do what we need them to get done, when we need it done.

Then, their teachers have a set of expectations.  Their friends have a set of expectations.  Their bosses & coworkers have a set of expectations.  Their coaches have a set of expectations.  
So on, and so forth.

Oh goodness, I'm exhausted! No wonder teenagers rebel!  Who can live under all those expectations!  Who can live up to that?  Plus they have new emotions and goals that weren't there before, and they have to balance these with everyone else's expectation of what they should do and who they should be.

Have you read the blog about Gaining Respect from your Teen through Relationship Building?  This is where that strategy comes in so importantly.  When you have built that relationship and you have that foundation, you both have more compassion and empathy for one another.  Your teen is invested in rising to the level to meet some of these expectations, and you can see that some of these expectations are just too lofty and need to be lowered.

It would be wonderful if you could think of your expectations for your teen.  Make your list, then try to add five more expectations.  You likely have hidden expectations that you don't even realize are there.  Add five to your list.  You can do it, I believe in you!

Pick out the top few expectations that are non-negotiable.  Then look at a few that you could maybe lower.  When you show someone a bit of flexibility, they feel heard, understood, and valued.  

Have a discussion with your teen about the exercise you just did.  Ask them if this is an accurate reflection, or if they have any more expectations they feel they are living up to - and then talk about it.  How can you help them sculpt their day and week to live up to the non-negotiables while also satisfying everything else they have on their plate and providing some relaxation time to decompress.

I surely hope this posting has given you a bit of insight for your teen.  I know that you love him/her.  You wouldn't be reading this if you weren't an amazing parent who just wants to do right by your child and have a happy home life.  So much of this is happening under the surface and we have been operating the best we know how; but now, you have a few more tools in your tool belt.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

I really love teenagers.  They are so creative and funny!  If you want to have fun and laugh, just spend some time with a teen.  The weight of the world has never felt their shoulders.  

Sometimes though, raising one can be a bit more difficult than just spending a couple hours giggling... but you know this, or you wouldn't have googled and found this blog.

Ugggggg... if your teenager rolls her eyes at you one more time.... or says, "I knooooow" when you give an instruction - well, you might just find out if gypsies really do buy kids.  Sorry, all the folklore talks about is that they buy little ones - even the gypsies know better than to buy teenagers!  You're stuck with 'em!

That's okay, teens are actually really amazing people to know!  I don't know one single teen who doesn't add to the joy and wisdom of my life. 

Yes, raising one can be quite a different experience sometimes.  I know.  I have a 15 year old.  I love him to pieces, every last atom in his body has my heart.  But even as a psychotherapist who engages in the strategies I write here, there are those moments when I wish the gypsies had a 1-800 number.

I say that in jest, because I want you to know that I understand those feelings of loving someone so much, and also feeling alienated from them in certain ways.  But the work you put in right now will pay huge dividends now and when they are grown and have flown the nest.

Listen carefully, this is important:  Your teen learns how to respect you by the way that you respect them.

In my practice, I so often hear: "I'm the adult and what I say goes."  That's true, but how are you saying it?
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This is a lengthy blog, and there are a lot of parent traps and the strategies to help in the body of this post below.  But I want to take a moment to tell you that YOU ARE AN AMAZING PARENT.  Do you know why I'm saying this?  Because you are trying.  You are googling.  You are reading.  You are seeking help.  You are engaged.  You are not just sitting back, complaining and expecting things to change.  You are here!  I admire and respect you for being here.  So, if you feel convicted in the bullet points below, I just want you to know that there is hope.
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Here are some unhealthy role modeling traps that parents fall into, and then don't understand why their teens are so disrespectful to them daily:

• Yelling across the house.  You're in one room, your spouse, teen, or child is in another room, and instead of getting up and walking into that room to tell them something you yell and expect them to not only hear you, but also accommodate you by stopping what they are doing to follow your instruction, now.

• Wanting it done, now.  When you're in the middle of something, can you just stop your task and divert your attention?  Cooking dinner, and switch gears immediately.  Folding clothes, and switch gears immediately.  Watching a tv show or reading a book, and switch gears now.  No?  Well, when you tell your teen to drop everything to do something that's just as difficult and insulting for them.  

• Telling them what to do and how to do it, without asking for input.  If your spouse, employer, or parent asks you for a favor and they want you to do it a certain way - but you might have a suggestion or thought on a better or different way to do the task, you want them to hear you out.  Parents often mis-think that they have the only right way to do something and they take it as a power struggle when their teen wants to do it differently.

• Power struggles.  Power struggles will happen, it's natural.  But they don't need to happen as often as they probably are.  "What I say goes, end of discussion"  or  "Because I'm the adult and I said so."  Sometimes you have to set down your foot, and when the power struggles are at a minimum in the home, these statements can sometimes work - but when that's the regular verbiage, you can kiss their effectiveness goodbye.

• You engage in those same annoying behaviors.  You roll your eyes.  You use sarcasm with your partner or kids when you're annoyed or frustrated.  You gossip about your teen or spouse to your friends when you're frustrated (while you're in hearing distance from the other members of your family).  You call names "You're such a brat."  "You're such a prima donna."  

Do you see any of these parenting traps happening in your family?  Do you hear yourself or your partner in any of these examples?  Before you read on, I would like you to take a moment to reflect on a time or two when this has happened in your home.

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So now what?  I'll just go ahead and address the behavior patterns to engage in by addressing each of the parent traps according to their number listed above:

• Get uncomfortable.  You don't want your teenager shouting across the classroom to her friends.  You don't want to listen to your kids shouting to each other across the room, or shouting to you.  It's rude.  Just because we just sat down after a long day of work, doesn't mean that we have different rules of etiquette.  In fact, if we want our children or teens to talk to us with respect, we need to walk into the room they are in, make sure we have their attention and they are looking at us before we speak, and then tell them what it is we need from them.  No talking to the back of their head while they are on their phone or computer, wait the few minutes they need to pause what they are doing, and then speak.  You can start by saying, "I need you to pause what you're doing and listen to me, I have something quick to tell you."  And then wait for them to give you their attention.
  

• Wait.  We want and need them to wait for us before we can give them our attention.  We need others to wait for us to finish our task before we can switch gears and help them with their request.  We need to exhibit that same patience to our kids and teens.  It's okay to give them an appropriate time limit.  "You have three to five minutes to wrap up what you're doing and put your task on pause, I have a very important thing I need you to do and it needs to be done now."  Asking them to drop everything is a rude behavior that you don't want them expecting from you, from their friends, or from their teachers.  Just because we are the parent doesn't give us the right to be dictators.
  

• Get input.  It is the mission of the teen brain to come up with better ways to do things than their parents.  It's part of growing up and differentiating from us, the parental adults.  They aren't just looking for an easy way to get out of something (okay, sometimes they are) - but they are looking at ways to improve your method.  Use this to your advantage!  If it looks like they're looking for an easy-out, engage them in conversation.  "Why do you want to do it that way?"  "What will you do if it doesn't work out this way?"
  

• Refuse the power struggle.  You don't need to engage in coercion if they are refusing to obey a house rule.  Offer the option to enjoy the privileges that come from honoring the rules, or experience the logical consequence.  No bantering back and forth about it.  This might sound like the "because I'm the parent and I said so" example I stated as a parent trap power struggle.  However, usually when that phrase is uttered there's not the conversation of option: Option #1, enjoying privileges, or Option #2 experiencing consequence.  The ball is in their court, and you were polite and respectful when you reminded them of their options.

• Be self-aware.   Some of these annoying behaviors teenagers pick up from their friends and school peers.  But, some of these behaviors they learned from you.  Think of the body language your teen does that you abhor.  Really start paying attention to see how often you do those things.  You might have even picked it up from your teen, but that doesn't matter.  What matters is that you are the one teaching them how to argue, how to ask for things, how to handle disappointment, frustration, etc. - if you are rolling your eyes or turning and walking away during an argument, then you are responsible for showing your teen how to change behavior.

And lastly, have a sincere and honest conversation.  Tell your teenager that you have been struggling lately because you really feel like he/she has been really disrespectful.  That you noticed they do these certain things and you need to see the behaviors change.  

Then, ask your teen what things you do that makes them feel disrespected.  Hear them.  Take it in, even if you disagree.  Tell your teen that you will work hard to be self-aware and to work on these things, too.  You're in it together, you're a team, you might just need a few tweaks or you might have a long road.

Self yourself up for success.  Pick one thing to focus on and change at a time.  Rome wasn't built in a day.  Keep building the relationship (see the previous post titled Gaining Respect from Teens through Relationship Building), and focus on ONE of the bulleted points until you and your teen have developed a bit of mastery, and then move on to the next bullet together.

You will build a closer bond while also building respect and trust.

You've got this!!!

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

It kind of feels like... "Hey, I should already have respect from those kids!"  But you know those eye rolls, insolent answers and comments, and general lack of keeping their commitments all reeks of being disrespected.  You know they should respect you, but they sure haven't been acting like it lately.  What's up with that?

Just because you should receive that respectful behavior from them... doesn't mean you do.  And that's why you're reading this blog post, right?

It's so easy to get caught up in what our kids and teens should be doing.  But if we keep going around and around in those "shoulds" we'll never move forward - we need momentum and to propel those kids forward!  

Let's change the language from what they should be doing - to what they could be doing, or even what we'll teach them to be doing. 

This comes down to three things: relationship, modeling & expectations.  In this post, we'll focus on relationship.  We'll work out modeling and healthy expectations in the posts to follow.

Relationship.

Think back to your adolescence.  Who were your favorite, most respected school teachers?

The teachers who were burned out and always looking for the next kid to yell at, "Knock it off!"?
The teachers who were generally nice, went about their day, taught class, and just expected you to do the work and get a grade?
The teachers who knew you; who took time out to find out a few things about who you are, what you like, and then reference that when providing feedback on assignments?

My best bet: the teachers who you remember now that you're an adult is the teacher who knew and liked you for you, not for your grade, not for your popularity status, not for anything other that the fact that YOU were/are an amazing person and they saw that in you.  For those teachers you paid attention.  For those teachers you (gasp) studied!  You wanted to make them proud, and you wanted to prove them right!  You don't want to let them down by half-assed calling it in, no way!

Well, that is exactly the same for your teenager.

She's not the same girl she was in third grade when her favorite color was yellow and her favorite song was from Disney.  She isn't sure what her favorite color is, but she knows it's not yellow - heck no, yellow is the worse!  She isn't super sure what her favorite song is, there are so many good ones out there!  She used to talk your ear off in the car, and now she gives you one-word answers.

How do you have a relationship with that?  You've been trying!  She's just not giving you anything to work with!

Okay, then we have a starting place!  Don't do what you've been doing.  Stop it.  Right now.

The more you press her, the more she resents you being nosey.  She thinks you have an agenda.  Do you like it when someone is being nice to you in order to accomplish their agenda?  Okay, well that is how your dear, sweet angel is interpreting your questioning.

Offer pieces of yourself.  Show her how to open up by letting her know that you believe she is a safe person and a worthy person.  You aren't the same parent she knew when she was 8, either.  You were pretty infallible back then, and suddenly you don't have all the answers and you aren't the shining beacon of amazingness she once thought you were - I know, your imperfect humanity is becoming clearer - so now you get to show her how to be imperfect, respectfully.

Engage your teen in activities that you will both like, and with no ulterior motives.  So no bribing her: "If you go mini-golfing with me, then I'll let you go to the malt shop with your boyfriend."  Tell your teen how much fun you have with her and that you just can't wait until you get to go do this fun thing together.  IGNORE the eye rolling or complaints.  She has to do that.  Her ego can't admit how much she wants to be wanted by you, her ego wants independence.  

Engaging ideas that seem to work for me with my teen:

• Go to a movie, and then follow up with a meal or ice cream to talk about our favorite parts.
• Watch funny youtube videos together.  Later, during regular life interactions, reference the jokes and comedy.
• Brainstorm ideas for the upcoming weekend or school break.  It takes patience and a little coercion, but I've found saying "I don't want the whole weekend to be all about what I want to do, I want you to get to do some of the things you want to do, too."  Then if the suggestions from the teen are: "stay home and have quiet time in the bedroom and/or go visit friends."  A response that works for me is, "I totally get it, you're around people all the time at school, and you can't really hang out with your friends when you're there.  I really think you're a cool person and I like hanging out with you.  I'll feel much better about giving you your private time and your 'friend-time' if you and I get to do something fun together, too.  What do you suggest?"  Then he can trust that he'll get his needs met, and also help decide on what to do together.
• Play a video game with her - usually one from the 80s or early/mid 90s because those are the ones in my comfort and skill levels.  Tekken (button mashing) or tetris.

What are some of the things that your teen might be able to engage in with you?  Make sure the activity is something you will both enjoy - you can't build relationships with someone by doing something they hate.

I love hiking.  My son hates hiking.  When I'm in relationship building mode, I don't choose hiking. 

I do, however, make him go hiking with us as a family because teens also need to learn that they don't always get to do only the things they like to do.  It's much easier to get my teen to go hiking if I have invested in relationship building first!!

The point here is that when you build a relationship with your teenager they will be more invested  in maintaining your approval and maintaining harmony within the parent/child relationship.  They will be more able to take in your guidance in modeling, and they will want to reach your expectations.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/