Sometimes we get into a rut of thinking that if we acknowledge something then the other person might believe that we are approving or authorizing that thing.  What do I mean by that?  What type of relationship does this affect?

It affects all the relationships: friendship, romantic, parent, family, you-name-it.

Here's an example, your friend has been going out and socializing regularly.  You start to notice that it's more often than it used to be and that it's starting to effect various aspects of their life.  You also notice that the people they're spending time with have changed and these people don't hold the same value system that your friend usually holds.  If you acknowledge the situation you're afraid that your friend will either feel judged by you or that you think it's okay.  Neither outcome is desired, so you keep it to yourself and watch your friend while feeling powerless to do anything.

But that's not true.  Those aren't the only options.

You can acknowledge many aspects of this without approving of the behavior.  Your friend feeling judged is 50% how you steward the conversation and 50% their inner dialogue on how they interpret the conversation (from what lense are they viewing this conversation).

• Friend, I can see that you've been really enjoying yourself lately!  I love how you've been so spontaneous and it seems like there's a new side of you that's really having fun.  It's great!  I would like to acknowledge that I've also noticed that some of the priorities you've had in the past aren't priorities anymore and I'm wondering what's going on for you.  
• Friend, I just want to check in with you.  I've noticed that you've been drinking more often than usual, how are things going?
• Spouse, I know those have been your friends for a long time, but I don't like the way you talk to me when they're around.   I'm not asking you to stop spending time with them, but I don't approve of the changes that happen in your personality with you are around them and around me at the same time.

​You can acknowledge something without approving of it - and if you acknowledge it well then your half of the conversation road is going to be as smooth as possible.  The other person might have a painful history that's triggered and they don't  respond well.  If that happens, you can stand firm in the knowledge that you were authentic, you tried to be kind in your delivery, and that you gave the other person the opportunity to know what was on your heart.

Most people will respond with curiosity, a little defensiveness, and kindness in response.  This can be an opportunity to grow your relationship in a positive way.  If the conversation goes well then trust is built.  If the two individuals come to a solution together then that teamwork brings them close again.  The ability to be vulnerable and safe can be huge for both people in these scenarios:
confiding your disapproval is vulnerable - hearing someone acknowledge their disapproval is vulnerable.  The two of you are potentially wearing your hearts on your sleeve, and when you're safe with each other it can blossom the relationship.

But even if the person is triggered or if you delivered your message all wrong - there's still opportunity to repair that rift, make the relationship whole, and continue knowing that you were honest about your worry and that you didn't sit back and do nothing.  You tried because this person is important to you and they are worth the risk.

Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #104464

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Jessica Wilkerson works in Chico, California helping individuals, couples, and families learn how to communicate safely and effectively with a desire to heal wounds and grow bonds through processing past and current pain.  Jessica believes in the power of honesty and authenticity in healthy relationships and works hard to help her clients influence their lives positively through communication with others and with themselves.

You can contact Jessica for an appointment by calling/texting her at (530) 994-5114 or emailing her at [email protected].

This is a term I usually hear from folks who believe that saying exactly what they think and feel is the most authentic way to be in the world.  However, I think that’s a cop out.  I think there’s a radical honesty that’s not being addressed – the internal, psychological world of the individual.

Radical honesty: “Yes, those pants make your butt look big.”
                             “You have halitosis.”
                             “I’d like to have sex with you, no strings attached.”
​
There’s a bravery in this because the person is risking rejection and judgement from the people with whom they’re interacting.  But there’s also an inner voice that reinforces this behavior by saying, “clearly, these people are weak if they can’t handle your honesty.” And “you’re just being honest.”
But the person strategizing radical honesty is often less honest with themselves because they’re not saying, “what you just said hurt that person and it didn’t actually do anything to create meaningful or healthy change in their life or in your relationship with them.” 

What I like to try to understand is why did this person decided Radical Honesty was the way to go?  How have they been hurting lately?  Have there been recent relationship ruptures that have created this coping mechanism?  Because that’s what it really is, a coping mechanism.

If you’re on the receiving end of being in a relationship with someone engaging in hurtful statements with the excuse of “just being honest” then I suggest responding to them by saying, “that was really hurtful, was it necessary?”  We can be honest and also have tact and diplomacy.  If you’ve tried this a few times and it’s not working, then having healthy boundaries and letting them know that this is a stressful relationship and if the way they interact with you doesn’t change to include kindness within their honesty then you don’t have the energy to continue engaging.  They can choose how to respond to that and if they choose honesty without diplomacy then they’re choosing not to have that relationship.  They made the choice, their pain’s lie of Radical Honesty is false – you are not weak for refusing to engage in it, you are strong for standing up for yourself and for expecting balance.

If this article has triggered something in you because you’ve been Radically Honest lately and you can’t figure out how you’re hurting other people.  You genuinely don’t think you’ve been hurtful, but you also do see that the people in your life have been pushing back against the Radical Honesty – then maybe it’s time to talk with someone unbiased.  Someone who can go over those interactions with you and see if the other person was being overly sensitive or if you were more insensitive that necessary, and learn how to find the balance to be honest while maintaining the important relationships in your life.  It’s possible.  It can actually bring you closer and heal relationships when you’re honest with tact.

If want an appointment to talk about Radical Honesty in your life, please feel free to contact me at (530) 994-5114 or email me at [email protected]

Emotional Intelligence is the ability to tune into your own emotion and identify it – the ability to respond to your emotions appropriately – and the ability to connect to the emotions of others.
 
Let’s break this down:
 
Tuning In and Identifying Your Emotions.:

Anger and Righteous Indignation are big ones that are hard to see beyond.  They’re the big wall.  They tell you that you have this big emotion and you don’t have any responsibility to curb that emotion, because it’s the world’s/other person’s fault.  But usually, if you were to sit in the quiet of your anger then you’d realize it was also disappointment, frustration, guilt, shame, confusion, disillusionment, sadness, etc.  Those are all emotions that make you vulnerable, so anger rides in on its white stallion to allow you to feel the “bigness” of the emotion without feeling the accompanying vulnerability of it.

A person with developed Emotional Intelligence can feel that anger or righteous indignation, and know that there’s probably something else under it.  They can feel the anger while also searching for the other emotion and feel that one as well, knowing both are valid, even if they’re uncomfortable.
 
Responding to Your Emotions Appropriately:

Some people will feel ashamed of their big emotions and will hide them, stuff them down, cope in unhealthy ways.  Some folks will engage in horrible self talk, lash out, or use sarcasm to hurt others who they deep down feel have been hurtful to them. Some will “wear their heart on their sleeve” and inappropriately disclose or emote in situations that would have best been avoided if they had connected to their emotions and declined the invitation.  However, responding to your emotions appropriately means having the self-control to stop the sabotaging inner voice or unhealthy behavior.  To fight against it if you see it there.
​
Responding appropriately means crying when you’re bereaved.  It means going for a fast-paced walk when you’re angry.  It means talking calmly to the person who disappointed you to let them know how you feel about the situation and giving them an opportunity to rectify it.  And it means saying “no thank you” to a party invitation when you’re struggling with something emotionally and you won’t be able to shake it off while you’re there.
 
Connecting to the Emotions of Others:

This is different from empathy (which is basically being able to feel the emotion someone else is feeling).  Connecting to the emotions of others is being able to identify what someone might be feeling and knowing what they can handle in the moment.  Someone is crying about the death of their beloved pet, they are not in a place to handle joking, criticism, guilt, or other negative interactions that will compound their bereavement.  You don’t have to feel their feeling to know that they can’t emotionally take on certain other emotions (that’s why it’s different from empathy). 

A person with Emotional Intelligence can identify what someone is experiencing emotionally and then respond with appropriateness. 
 
Emotional Intelligence is something that is taught during childhood.  Your parent, teachers, friends, and friends’ parents all take part in helping a child learn how to identify their own feelings, others’ feelings, and then coach them how to respond.  Some kids are born into families in which the parents aren’t very connected to emotional intelligence, so they don’t have that role modeling or coaching.  They might not have the other close relationships with other adults either.  Then those kids grow up to become adults with poor emotional intelligence.

Those folks are difficult to be married to: they pile it on when things are already hard, they don’t understand why you’re so sad about something and tease you about it at the worst times.  They are difficult to have as colleagues or friends because to them you should just “grow up.”

Whether you’re the spouse, friend, or colleague who needs to improve your emotional intelligence or if you’re in a relationship with someone the good news is that you can hone this skill.  You’re not doomed to be on the outskirts of your heart or society.  This is doable.

This is something that can be worked on in therapy since each person has their own strengths and barriers to their emotional intelligence.  It’s something that is worked on through stories in your past and present, and rewriting the narrative from your past and honing skills to use today.
 
Emotional Intelligence is a topic I feel pretty strongly about and love helping people through.  If you ever want to sit down with me as one of my clients please feel free to contact me at (530) 994-5114 or email me at [email protected]

"What do you mean, 'owning our choices?' Of course I own my choices!"

Here's the thing, the way we talk to ourselves and to other people can often lead us astray from authenticity and lead us to the same ol' path toward the self-preservation of using our mask.  We mostly do it to protect ourselves from ourselves.

What do I mean by that?

Well, we are humans and in our humanity we can tend to make bad choices.  In that humanity we can tend to be judgmental.  We can easily end up judging ourselves and then subconsciously fear others will judge us with that same standard (or worse).

So we bend the truth:

• "I didn't have time to get that done." = We had time.  We were burned out or tired, so we watched TV instead.  

• "I didn't realize the deadline was on this date." = We likely knew it was that date and if we didn't we were capable of reaching out and confirming the deadline.  We thought we could find flexibility, we have a difficulty with time management, or we were dreading it so we procrastinated and ran out of time.

• "Yes, I'll go to that event with you." or "Yes, I'll do that favor for you." = We wanted to say no, but couldn't think of a good reason not to do it, so we said yes.  Now we're going through the motions of the thing we said yes to, but we're doing it half-heartedly or with a resentful heart.

None of those examples are showing us in our best and most authentic light.  Most of the time we believe what we're saying while we're saying it.  We want to.  We need to.  If we felt we were lying then we'd feel too convicted, ouch. Right in the heart.  There's some truth to whatever it is we just said... so we say it and let it go.

But what if it looked like this instead:

• "I'm sorry, I didn't get it done.  I've been feeling really burned out lately and I just really needed to refresh so I could be at my best.  I plan on tackling it first thing on Monday."

• "I wasn't able to make the deadline, and I apologize.  I need one more day to finish, is that okay?"
  

• "That event sounds amazing, but I'm going to have to skip it this time." or "I feel for you that you need help with that thing (favor), but I just can't do it right now."

In none of those examples did we have to over-explain ourselves or bend the truth.  We owned it.

With the last bullet point where the person said yes to an event or favor but went about it half-heartedly or with some resentment I gave the bulleted example of saying no, but there are some times where saying yes is appropriate.  They've gone out of their way for you in the past or they're truly in need and while you don't really want to you know it's the right thing to do to say yes.  In that instance let your yes mean yes.

If you tell someone yes - then do it full-heartedly and without resentment.  You said yes.  It's not their fault that you made the choice to go with them when you weren't feeling it.  If you made the choice to say yes, then also make the choice to enjoy yourself.  Make the choice to pull yourself out of whatever mood you're in and try to find the good in the situation.  Is there a song playing you love and you can bop along to?  Is there a friend there that you usually enjoy seeing?  Are you going to be blessing someone with this favor and it feels good to pay it forward?  You chose to say yes to the friend and/or the event/favor - so then also choose to say yes to putting your best foot forward.  

Own your yes.

Yes is a choice.

No is a choice.

Own each one of those.

Let your yes mean yes, and your no mean no.  Own it.  Don't say one and mean the other, and then make the people around you pay the price for your inability to be authentic.

Let that sink in.  Marinate on it.  Hear yourself when you're bending the truth or using the wrong yes/no.  Let yourself have grace from judgment and just keep working on being real.  Being true to yourself and thereby true to others.

You'll be surprised at how much people respect this quality it the people around them.  It makes you trustworthy.  People respect trustworthy.

I feel like "Authentic" is the newest buzz word for the field of psychotherapy - but you know what: It's about darn time!

What is being authentic?  It means knowing your limits and being transparent about them.  It means not making excuses to get out of something, but standing with your own two feet and saying no.  It means portraying who you really are, rather than fitting a mold of who you or others think you should be.  We don't always "know who we are" in the way that we think monks would hope we do, but at any given moment in time we can say we know how we feel and what we want in that moment; and I'd say that's pretty much close enough.  If we can truly own those feelings and desires then we can be authentic.

Sometimes it's easier to describe what it looks like NOT to be authentic, because well frankly, it's our human nature to see a description and try to fit into it and identify with the positive traits.  When we are shown the other side of things and identify with that we are also able to see where we have growing to work through.

Examples:

• If your friend asks you to babysit her kids and you don't feel like it, but you don't have any other plans - and you feel guilty about saying no, so you say yes and then feel irritated with yourself or resentful toward the friend: that's not being authentic.  If you make up an excuse to get out of it, you lie: that's not being authentic.  ​ On the contrary, if you say, "I'd love to help you, but I just don't have it in me to watch children today." or  "I'm sorry, but I can't." that's being honest and authentic.  Those are true statements and you don't have to feel guilty for not doing someone a favor that will cause you to harbor ill feelings about yourself or your friend.

• You say "yes" when you mean maybe or no.  Your spouse asks to go on an outing, but it just doesn't sound fun at all.  But you don't want to hurt her/his feelings, so you smile and say, "let's go!"  But the whole time you just want to be home.  If you can't say no when you mean no or if you can't say, "maybe, let me think about it." when you're not sure - and you jump to people pleasing: you're not being authentic.  On the contrary, if you say, "Babe, that sounds like something you'd love and I'd probably enjoy on a different day - but today I'm just not feeling it.  Can we stay home or is there something else that sounds good to you to do today?"  That's being authentic. 

​

• Are you allowed to give yourself praise?  Are you allowed to own your flaws and work on them?  I ask this because many people feel like they're being overly prideful or arrogant by praising themselves, so they take a false humility and use that to arm themselves from internal or external perception of egoism.  Some people also have difficulty admitting flaws because they fear that they'll be labeled or judged as flawed - so they take a defensive stance to others and to themselves, constantly justifying why they just did this or that.  How exhausting!  Neither of those are authentic.  On the contrary, REAL & AUTHENTIC people are both flawed and deserve praise.  It's okay to say, "I'm amazing and I did a great job!" and it's okay to say, "woah, I really messed up, big time." without the "but" (but, so-and-so didn't do their part, etc).

• Do you wait for your significant other to know what you need "because I shouldn't have to tell them, they should know by now."  With your marriage vows neither of you were bestowed the ability to mind read - and your marriage vows didn't include "I vow to vigilantly be on the lookout to meet your need before you state it."  Waiting for someone else to do something isn't being authentic, but stating your need or want is - even if sometimes your spouse should know that thing.

Why would you want to be authentic?  Because it's freeing! It's liberating!  It feels really, really good.

You get to just be you without all that guilt or pressure to be or do otherwise. 

Are you still tactful and diplomatic?  Yes. Absolutely!

Do you still find compromises with your spouse and friends sometimes?  Of course, you're not selfish.  You don't just turn everything down because you don't want to do it, but you're honest about not wanting to go and you find a way both people can make a situation work.

Do you know how to be honest about what you want or need, and don't feel ashamed to cover up what you're going through?  Yep!

Do you end up feeling like the people in your life know and like the real you - not the "if they only knew the real me..." version of you? They do, and you know they do, and there's TRUE JOY in the knowledge that people like the real you - warts and all.

Learning to be authentic is scary and takes time.  But each time you're authentic and it goes better than expected you build a little reserve of confidence, making the next authentic experiment easier.  It snowballs over time and gets easier and easier and easier.  Until one day, you encounter someone inauthentic and you have no patience for it.  You realize that you've been operating with honesty with yourself and others for so long without realizing it that someone else's inauthenticity is frustrating and intolerable.

And then you realize you need to work on the character trait of grace: "there, by the grace of God, go I."  You were there once upon a time, so giving them a little grace for their journey will go a long way in your heart.

So, you've noticed some patterns in the way you interact with people in your life.  You've been becoming self-aware of negativity that comes out of your mouth and you're growing increasingly frustrated with yourself.  You never intended to become this person, but here you are.  

You want to change.  You want to be different.

But...

• But some of the people in your life are idiots and you can't help yourself when you respond with sarcasm.
• But there are some really rude folks at work and you feel like you have to fight fire with fire or else you'll get burned.
• ​But... there are also times where you're kind of the bully, and you're not super proud about it.

Ugh!  It's so frustrating because sometimes your quick wit and healthy self-esteem serve a greater purpose, and sometimes it douses you in the face!

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news: it's never serving the greater purpose.

People with self-control over the words they think and say actually have the upper hand when confronted with "idiots" and "rudeness."  Quick wit is wonderful when in a mutual debate or poetry slam, but using it as a defense mechanism is what is fueling the part of you that's unsafe.

It feels so much more vulnerable to pause and to take a pass.  Don't get me wrong, taking a pass doesn't mean lying down and taking abuse.  It means that you're rising higher and that you're better than the defensiveness that's boiling up inside of you.  It means that you're growing and that eventually you'll be far away from those "idiots" and "rude mongers."  Because when you stop the game with them you become boring to them.

So here's what it looks like to work on BECOMING safer:

Acknowledge hurt you've inflicted on the people in your inner circle: your spouse, child(ren), siblings, parents, whomever it is that's truly near and dear to you.  Is there a best friend who feels like a sibling?  They count, too.  

Tell them that you've been noticing how you've been pretty negative and you feel like you've been hurtful over the past (period of time).  Tell them that because you've noticed this you want to apologize for any ways you've been inappropriate and that you're really working on being self-aware and curbing this part of you.  

Know that it takes time, change happens slowly and relapse is a part of the change cycle - so you'll probably be unsafe again from time to time, but the intervals will get fewer and farther between.

The rest of the folks on the outskirts of  your inner circle, you can take them on a case-by-case basis.  You can just start trying to implement the self-awareness and let the relationship evolve on its own without your grand declaration.  

Tasks to facilitate change:

• Start looking for things to appreciate about others.  You don't have to tell them to their face (you can, but it's not necessary).  Just look for it and notice it: for example, "Janet is very conscientious about keeping her files in order, it's nice when I have to look through one of hers because I can find things right away." or "Melissa always has a smile on her face, even when the people around here are griping or snapping at each other."
• Start looking for things to appreciate about yourself and your changes, for example: "I'm drained at the end of the day after all this paying attention to my stuff while also trying to do my job. I'm kind of a rock star for it!" 
• Find things to compliment in the world at large.  "Wow, the city counsel has really been working hard for the past few years to make this part of town greener.  I can't wait until all those new trees get big and bushy."   

You might start feeling a little "Pollyanna" because it's new to you, and because people don't generally go around looking for all this positive.  But A.) you're trying to change so it takes a little extra, and B.) it feels like Pollyanna because you're not used to it.  People who are safe people are also people who regularly look for ways to build other up, even in small ways. 

But do you see that part there?  They LOOK for ways to build others up.  That's a verb.  A doing word.  It's a muscle that needs to be exercised so it becomes second nature.  It will eventually become natural to give a sincere "good job" and to allow negativity to flow from you like water off a duck's back.

Change is exhausting at first, I'll be honest.  So is starting a new exercise routine when you're out of shape.  But both of those things get easier with time, practice, and consistency.  You've got this!

You are not an island.  I actually say that more often than you'd expect from a therapist.  But it's one of my favorite sayings because it can mean several things in different circumstances.  Here's what I mean when I say, "You're not an island:"

You are affected by other people.
So many people beat themselves up or call themselves weak when they get their feelings hurt by what someone else says or does.  They think they should have complete control over their own thoughts and feelings that if they hurt or are offended it means there's something wrong with them.  Nope.  

In large part you are indeed responsible for your thoughts, feelings, and actions.  But you're not an island.  People do and say things that hurt you.  People can be unkind or selfish.  You can feel left out, disappointed, pained, etc.  It's what you do in response that separates you from the rest of the world.  Do you retaliate?  Do you criticize yourself?  Do you withdraw?  Do you confront diplomatically?  Those are the things you have control over, not whether or not your feelings were hurt by someone else's cruelty, that's natural and human. 

And after all, you're not an island...

You effect other people.
A lot of folks mistakenly believe that their inner voice is their own.  And yes, it is.  It is truly and more than you realize.  What I mean is that your inner voice affects your outer voice and actions.  Your inner voice isn't really just an inner commentary that lives and let's live.

When you're making fun of people in your head, the way you treat them in real life is influenced.  If you're loving and respectful about them, looking for things they do well, in your head then also you influence the way you interact with them.  If you're inner voice has that sarcastic "I hate people" mantra, but you think you're a nice guy... well, your "nice guy-ness" is colored by that statement you tell yourself about others.  

This goes the same for how you talk about yourself to yourself, too.  Can you see the pattern?

The thoughts you think are your own.  You are responsible for them.  But the thoughts you think effect the way you behave in your relationships with other people, because you are not an island and neither is your mind.

How does this change things?

It changes them BIG TIME!  When you give yourself permission to feel your feelings but take ownership on how you respond to those feelings it makes a positive difference in your relationships.  When you realize that your inner dialogue is influencing the relationships around you then you can start monitoring that inner dialogue and start enjoying people more deeply and safely.

It's up to you.  You.  Are.  Powerful!

What life do you want for yourself?  What kind of relationships do you want?  

​You're not an island, so no matter what choice you make it effects you as well as those around you.

There's this buzz word out in the world called BOUNDARIES.

What does that even mean?  You know you should have them.  You think you probably don't.  You hear the word "boundaries" and you think that it must be a measuring stick that you should be living up to, and that others are judging you by.

Let's demystify boundaries when it comes to parenting.

Boundaries are the gauge by which you allow people permission in your life.  Basically, how you let other people treat you, and how you treat other people.

THERE ARE TWO PARTS TO THIS.

ONE.

When it comes to children and teens, it's even bigger.  They are engaging with their peers and teachers in school, so they have first hand experience trying to figure out how to treat other people and how others treat them (peers & authority figures).  They look everywhere for the measuring stick: television, other peers, and most importantly their parents.

Your child or teen looks to their parent for permission on what is socially acceptable and responsible.  When your child was little you could say the words and tell them how to behave and what to allow.  Then, when your child grew and became a teen they stopped paying so much attention to your words, but they start paying attention to your actions.

What do you let their other parent get away with in their relationship with you?  What do you let their siblings get away with?  How do your friends treat you, and do you put a stop to things when your friends are being impolite or do you allow their indiscretions?    In what ways do you allow your teen to talk or behave in your relationship?  

What are YOUR boundaries with all the relationships in your life?


This is what your pre-teen and teenager is evaluating when they decide how to treat you and how to treat their friends.  

TWO.
 
Safety.  Kids and teens know that you are their protector.  They know that you have it all figured out (even when we're really just humans who don't have it all figured out).

If you are a consistent parent who says "no" to certain and specific things regularly, they can feel safe to know that a) this is something that is not acceptable, and b) they can try to persuade you to give-in, and if you give in then they know that you really mean it's okay this time - since you've been so consistently honorable with your "no" in the past.  It makes your teen feel safe to know that  you really thought this through and decided it is safe and okay - and they can rest in the knowledge that it's safe and okay - they are safe and okay.

If you have been inconsistent in the past with "no," "yes," and "maybe," they don't really know what is safe and okay, what is negotiable because it's is a power issue, what is negotiable because you haven't thought it through yet, and what isn't safe.  There are no fences in the world to keep the bad guys out, and the good guys in.  There's no definition, and very little trust.

It would make sense that they would act disrespectfully when they don't know where the boundaries are, how can they respect what they don't know or trust?

As their negotiating skills improve, as their button pushing improves, they start to realize that there is an imbalance of power in the relationship - and they have the lion's share.  Teens have never had this kind of power before, nobody has taught them to wield it wisely.

Teens learn to grow up with healthy relationships because someone loved them enough to tell them "no" and allowed them to suffer the consequences while they were still young enough that the consequence wasn't too hard.  I talk more about consequences in another blog post.

In the meantime, what are a few ways that your child or teenager invades your boundaries?
What are some relationships in your life where you need better boundaries, and your child/teen has witnessed other people treating you poorly, and you've allowed it.

Now, what is one boundary issue that you would like to resolve with your teen?  Just one!  Rome wasn't built in a day, boundaries are hard and it hurts when you make changes like this - too many too soon won't stick.  

Pick one boundary and focus on improving that over the next few weeks.  Then, re-read this blog post to refresh yourself and start on another boundary.  Put it on your calendar, schedule yourself to re-read the post and work on your 2nd issue.  

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Jessica Wilkerson also provides therapy to families, couples, individuals, children and teens.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at [email protected].  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Jessica Wilkerson also provides therapy to families, couples, individuals, children and teens.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at [email protected].  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Tuesday evenings 6:00-7:30 pm, now through June 24.  Chico Creek Counseling.

Beginning next week, I'm offering a 7 week group for parents of adolescents.  If you have a pre-teen or teenager and your relationship with him/her has been affected by their new sets of behaviors.  Is this happening:  One minute they are sweet talking you like when they were little, the next minute they're screaming at you that you don't know anything and you're so unfair?

Has there been a change in your teenager's life: divorce of parents, changing of schools, changing of friends, the new freedom of having a driver's license or job, drama with friends.

And have you noticed these changes have also created changes in your home life. It's affecting your teen, but it's also contributing to confusion and hurt feelings by the rest of the family, and you've been trying your best to figure things out and smooth them over.

You are NOT alone!

I have provided therapy to many, many junior high and high school kids.  I have provided a lot of family therapy: the parents, the child(ren), me, and the sofa.  It seems that so many similar themes play out in families during this time of restructuring.  Every family I work with is very unique, and yet still struggling in similar ways.

I've created a 6 week program to talk about topics that I see as reoccurring themes to help parents know what is in their power.  Where to give leeway, where to hold firm, and develop a little more understanding about what is going on in that teen brain!

The group is $25 per session.  However, because for me this group is more about helping families.  Helping teens by helping their parents.  Helping fellow parents keep their serenity.  Because I'm passionate for families, I'm not doing this group to grow rich in money, but rich in love and satisfaction of helping others.  The first parent in the family who attends pays $25, but the second parent is only $10 (plus, the first session you attend is free!)  

Parent can also be a grandparent or caregiver struggling with the behaviors in the home, and looking to be a support system for the family.

Please call or text (530) 921-5122 or email [email protected] to register.

Class schedule is as follows:

5/13 - What is going on in that brain?!?!  Discussion about the changes in the teen brain & how it
           affects behavior.
5/20 - Where did I go wrong?  No one is perfect all the time.  How guilt influences the way we
           parent, & how to shed guilt.
5/27 - Expectations.  Parent expectations, tween/teen expectations - where is the balance? 
6/3 -   Boundaries with Teens.  Where do you draw your line, and how do you hold to it?
6/10 - A Family on a Mission.  How to bring cohesion to your family so everyone is on track &
           going the same direction. 
6/17 - Does it sometimes feel like your family is in chaos?  Learn strategies & techniques for
           holding a family meeting and getting your teen invested in the rules & the decisions made
          during that meeting.
6/24 - Conversation Hour.  No particular topic.  What is the nagging thing that is still lingering in 
           your family, and you want to talk about with Jessica and with a few other parents.  
           Let's just sit, chat, and troubleshoot!

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at [email protected].  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/