I have a tendency to dig right in.

I have to force myself to remember to engage in the expected pleasentries of hello, how are you, how has your day been so far?  This is because by the time my client has shown up to my office I've already been thinking about him/her - how about I just say "you" instead of the politically correct pronouns.

I've been thinking about you. 

I get up in the morning, take my shower, drink my coffee, drop my children off to their respective places, and drive into work.  I listen to the radio while I drive in, but that's mostly background noise.  I think about the people I get to see today.  Their stories come back to me and I start wondering how they've been this week based on how they left my office the previous week.

By the time you arrive, I've already started our conversation hours ago, and I'm ready to jump right in.  But quite often, I'll catch myself, and I'll say the hello first...

I think existing clients become accustomed to my genuine interest in hearing about their experiences and my deeper digging, "so then how did that make you feel about yourself afterwards?"  But newer clients always have longer pauses and their expressions a little more awkward, as if to say, "hold the reigns there cowgirl, we've just met!"

Here's the thing I think new clients need to know - therapists love this stuff!

Licensed therapists have either a master's or doctorate degree in psychology or social work.  They invested 6-10 years of schooling and then 2-10 years of internship before taking rigorous exams to obtain their license.  They incurred enormous debt as a financial investment.  All-the-while knowing that this is not a highly lucrative field.  This is because they see the best in the world and they want to help fix people's hearts and their relationships.  They went though all that time because they want to spend their lives increasing the joy in this world and mitigating the sorrow.  They are the types of people who look at someone's pain and want to stand next to them, helping them to get through it.  

So think of it this way, if you over-disclose in "real life" it might be a problem and there might be judgement.  You should and do need to go slowly with friendships, disclosing as you build trust.  New relationships are a time where you're both showing the other person how trustworthy, judgemental, forgiving, open-minded, etc you each are.  You're finding the balance of disclosure - how much is too much vs how much is just right.

In therapy, we are unique individuals who already had a knack for digging deep, wanting to understand, and with big ol' hearts for helping others.  

I had a person once tell me, "You're going to see inside my soul!"

Wow!  That's deep!  That's heavy.

And I think the scary thing for that person isn't that I'll see in their soul, but that I'll peer in there and see their brokenness, see what's wrong with them, decide they're irredemable, and reject or judge them.  That would certainly be a heavy secret to keep.

But let me reassure you, when I'm digging deep I'm looking for the places that shine - for what's beautiful.  I'm looking for the broken pieces and seeing if I can find every last shard so I can help you put it back together.  It might not look like it did before it broke (your heart or you), but it will be a new masterpiece.  

People have these wounds they carry around for fear others will see their pain and exacerbate it with negativity, so they hold onto it tight.  Then I come around with my cheerful demeanor and ask to take a look.  I don't believe I'll see the things you fear down there.  I won't see monsters.  I'll see what happened during your foundational experiences that hurt you, and the behaviors you've been engaging in as a way to protect you from those original things.  I'm looking for ways to help you save yourself.

So the next time you're in therapy and whomever your therapist might be asks you a question that you think will turn them off from you forever, dig deep and answer it anyway.  It might give them the exact road map they need to help you find your new masterpiece and put together the pain so it's not something you need to carry with you any longer.

----
Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT 104464
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Jessica lives and works in Chico California where she helps teens, adults, and couples battle through trauma and relationships to find a more joy filled, balanced, and healthier life.  You can reach out to her for an appointment by phone/text at (530) 994-5114 or by email at jdw@jessicawilkerson.com

I have been given a wonderful opportunity to host a live, call-in radio show to help our community with their questions regarding family, parenting and relationships.  It started today, September 15, 2014.

You can tune in every Monday at 12:30 pm on kkxx.net or if you're local on 104.5 FM/ 930 AM.

The 12:30 show is live, but if you don't have time during your lunch hour to listen, they play the recording again at 6:00 & 9:00 later that same evening.

Here is our first show ever!  I discussed "What is therapy,"  "Why would you go to therapy," and took a call from the father of a "rambunctious 4 year old boy".  

Remember, this is a Christian radio station, so there is a little discussion of faith in there.

Click Here to Listen!

It's quite often that a teen girl will experience feeling broken and powerless.  There are so many other people directing their lives (socially, scholastically, relationally) it's no wonder they go through these periods.  When this starts affecting their deepest relationships and the family it might be time to bring them to a therapist.  Why?  Read below.

------

Teen girls can be sensitive and stubborn; happy and silly; sullen and sad.  Teen girls can be confident one minute, and then the next minute compare themselves to their friends or tv, and then feel fat, plain, or less-than.  Why are their emotions such a roller coaster!

There are many reasons for this phenomenon!  Changes in brain chemistry, changes in peer relationships, changes in opposite gender relationships, changes in hormones, changes in society's expectations of them, changes in their expectations of themselves, and changes in their roles in the home.

All these changes make for one very confusing identity for your girl.  "Who am I?" she asks.  "Who is she?!" you ask.  Who knows!?!?!

In this posting, I'd like to talk about teen girls and therapy - and how all this relates to their identity and these changes.

In previous posts I've talked about how your child and teen look to you to role model healthy boundaries and respect.  You are their main focus for these traits, but you're not their only role model.  They are watching their friends (who are watching their own parents, and also watching your daughter) - sounds like that 7 Degrees of Kevin Bacon game a little, doesn't it!  Ha!

So your daughter is getting cues from her friends.  They tell her their opinions on other people - and then she inadvertently sizes herself up against those people.  They tell her their opinions about her and about themselves.  They are bonding and learning (and comparing).

Unfortunately, teen girls often evaluate themselves inaccurately - and whatever script she has learned from the women in her life, she will repeat.  

EXAMPLES:
If she has not learned to accept a compliment she will not know how to allow others to feed her positive identity traits.  

• "You look pretty today."  "No, I don't, I hate this dress."  -  
  
• "You look pretty today."  "Thanks, but my teacher is being a jerk today."  
  
• - or - she could learn the healthy response:  "You look pretty today."  "Thank you!"
  

If she has learned to identify who she is with what she has done she will not be able to fail gracefully.

• "That's not how that task was supposed to be done."  This is interpreted as: "I can't do anything right, I'm not even going to try, I'm worthless!"
  
• "That dress is too short, and you will look easy if you go out wearing it" This becomes:  "I'm trashy!"
  
• "You could have used a coupon to buy that item for less." She believes: "I'm bad with money!"
  
• THE WORSE ONE: "Let's go see a therapist."  Turns into: "I'm broken!"
  

I could go on, but I'm sure you get the point.  That last one is the one I want to look at closer:
"Let's go see a therapist."  "I'm broken!"

Therapy does not mean you're broken.  Therapy is like taking another class in school.  You're learning new skills, new ways to look at things, new ways to talk to yourself and to talk to other people so you have better relationships and better days in general.

Your teen girl doesn't always understand this, and no amount of talking will help her understand it.  However, if you role model for her, if she has your support and your shoulder to lean on (literally) she'll feel less broken and feel more open.  I encourage parents to attend therapy with their teen for the first month.  That's three or four sessions together where the goal of therapy is to improve the parent/child relationship.  We primarily focus on healthy communication.  We focus on the relationship - not the individuals.  It's the relationship that needs to heal, and not necessarily the people.

Guess what happens when you start this - the people heal in ways they didn't even realize they needed healing!

Your daughter starts to feel heard and valued.  You didn't pawn her off on a therapist because she's broken and needs to be fixed.  You joined with her, you showed your imperfection, you became vulnerable with her, you are a team.  After a few weeks together your relationship is a little stronger and your daughter is ready to go deep with me as her therapist.  Therapy is normalized, she feels safe, she can talk about what is happening with her friends and we can work together to improve her skills with herself and other people.

---------------------------------
Jessica Wilkerson also provides therapy to families, couples, individuals, children and teens.
To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Group therapy can be a very powerful tool for healing!  Let's look at the reasons for groups:

1)  Attending a group session is considerably cheaper than one-on-one therapy.  The licensed therapists at Chico Creek Counseling charge about $100 per individual session, while the pre-licensed interns charge about $75 per session.  Group therapy sessions range in price from $25-$40 depending on the therapist leading the group and the topic.  Currently, we have a group for parents of teenagers that runs $25 per session.  That's 1/4-1/3 the regular rate of therapy.  You leave having been heard, learning new skills, but your pocketbook hasn't been quite as affected.

2) Closed groups vs Open groups.  Most group therapy is provided as a closed group.  What this means is that the people who join in the beginning are the only people allowed to be a part of the group for the duration of the schedule.  In time, you let down your guard, you talk about your struggles and they talk about theirs.  A trusting and safe atmosphere is created between you and the other group members.  The therapist participates as an educator, leader, and helper - but everyone gets a chance to be heard and to help one another.  You sign up for this group and you commit to being there for the tenure of the weeks.  An open group; on the other hand, can have people coming in and out.  You don't have to commit, you can come for the topics that you need and skip the topics you think you have handled already.  In an open group, you still share your experiences and you help others with ideas and support just as you would in a closed group, but you don't go quite as deeply or intimately.  This is great for people who have a hard time opening up.

The Parenting Your Teen group going right now is an open group.

I chose this career because I have a deep passion for helping others.  I know that for some, one-on-one therapy can either be intimidating or can be a financial hardship.  This is why I facilitate the occasional group therapy.

If group therapy is something you might be interested in, then please contact me to find out if I have a group in progress or on the calendar to begin soon.  Also, if I don't have a group happening right now, but you have a topic that interests you then I would be glad to talk and brainstorm with you about putting a group together!  Sometimes a group isn't happening because I just haven't had the a-ha moment to think of it!!!  Your suggestions are very welcome!

Some groups held now or in the past are:

• Parents of Toddlers
• Parents of Pre-Teens & Teenagers
• Discovering your Authentic Self
• Boundaries & Confidence

---------------------------------
Jessica Wilkerson also provides therapy to families, couples, individuals, children and teens.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Tuesday evenings 6:00-7:30 pm, now through June 24.  Chico Creek Counseling.

Beginning next week, I'm offering a 7 week group for parents of adolescents.  If you have a pre-teen or teenager and your relationship with him/her has been affected by their new sets of behaviors.  Is this happening:  One minute they are sweet talking you like when they were little, the next minute they're screaming at you that you don't know anything and you're so unfair?

Has there been a change in your teenager's life: divorce of parents, changing of schools, changing of friends, the new freedom of having a driver's license or job, drama with friends.

And have you noticed these changes have also created changes in your home life. It's affecting your teen, but it's also contributing to confusion and hurt feelings by the rest of the family, and you've been trying your best to figure things out and smooth them over.

You are NOT alone!

I have provided therapy to many, many junior high and high school kids.  I have provided a lot of family therapy: the parents, the child(ren), me, and the sofa.  It seems that so many similar themes play out in families during this time of restructuring.  Every family I work with is very unique, and yet still struggling in similar ways.

I've created a 6 week program to talk about topics that I see as reoccurring themes to help parents know what is in their power.  Where to give leeway, where to hold firm, and develop a little more understanding about what is going on in that teen brain!

The group is $25 per session.  However, because for me this group is more about helping families.  Helping teens by helping their parents.  Helping fellow parents keep their serenity.  Because I'm passionate for families, I'm not doing this group to grow rich in money, but rich in love and satisfaction of helping others.  The first parent in the family who attends pays $25, but the second parent is only $10 (plus, the first session you attend is free!)  

Parent can also be a grandparent or caregiver struggling with the behaviors in the home, and looking to be a support system for the family.

Please call or text (530) 921-5122 or email jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com to register.

Class schedule is as follows:

5/13 - What is going on in that brain?!?!  Discussion about the changes in the teen brain & how it
           affects behavior.
5/20 - Where did I go wrong?  No one is perfect all the time.  How guilt influences the way we
           parent, & how to shed guilt.
5/27 - Expectations.  Parent expectations, tween/teen expectations - where is the balance? 
6/3 -   Boundaries with Teens.  Where do you draw your line, and how do you hold to it?
6/10 - A Family on a Mission.  How to bring cohesion to your family so everyone is on track &
           going the same direction. 
6/17 - Does it sometimes feel like your family is in chaos?  Learn strategies & techniques for
           holding a family meeting and getting your teen invested in the rules & the decisions made
          during that meeting.
6/24 - Conversation Hour.  No particular topic.  What is the nagging thing that is still lingering in 
           your family, and you want to talk about with Jessica and with a few other parents.  
           Let's just sit, chat, and troubleshoot!

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Continued from: As Parents... (Part 2)  and  As Parents... It's Not All About Them: What Do WE Need to be Happy?  (Part 1)

Mission.

A family is not a business.  But in many ways the aspects of the business model is indeed incorporated into the family dynamic.  The parents could be considered the managerial staff: keeping the accounting books in the black, restocking supplies, general overview and running of the mill.  The children or teens; however, are not mere employees doing their due diligence to get the work cranked out.  Nothing would get done if we had those sorts of expectations!

Instead, I like to think of the parent/teen scenario as the parents being the dept. managers who are about to retire or be promoted, and they are training their teens to be their replacement. 

Offices sure do run better when the manager sticks around to train his replacement, rather than controlling every aspect until the last minute and then throwing the new guy on the job only half-ready or not at all.  There's a ripple effect affecting everyone in the business when things of that nature happen, and there's a similar effect when teens leave the nest without the proper training.

So how do we change our thinking from "I'm in charge, I'm the boss,and I say what goes" to a healthier vision of training our replacement?  It takes work and dedication.  But I'll give you a few tips.

If you go online and look up your favorite companies, on each business's website you'll find a Mission Statement.  A mission statement outlines the reason the business exists, it's goals and how it hopes to achieve them.

I'd like you to please take a moment to ask yourself, "What is the mission of my family?"  

It's okay if you have never thought about this before, you're thinking about it now.  This is a helpful tool to help get your family in sync.  It brings communication and closeness between all the members in the family.  Here's how:

• Gather the family and brainstorm a list of values, as many as you can think of!  Here's a starter set: Accountability, Commitment, Courage, Faith, Gratitude, Loyalty, Privacy, Promise Keeping, Respect, Responsibility, Self-restraint, Teamwork, Tradition.  There are many more, what are some that resonate with you and your family?
  
• Now that you have your list, ask everyone in the family to write down their top five values.  

• Let each person discuss why they chose each value - doing this as a round robin keeps the conversation going and avoids boredom and feeling lectured by the other family members.

• Pick between 4 and 6 values to incorporate in your mission statement.

• Write your statement using the values.  An example using a few values listed above would be: "In our family we value being respectful to one another, keeping our commitments, expressing gratitude, and remembering to walk in our faith.  We do this so we can enjoy our time together and be a positive influence on our friends and the world."
  

Now, consider writing a mission statement describing your family's identity (who you want to be) and purpose (what you want to achieve together).  Memorize it and review it regularly.  When needed, ask each other: "How does the decision we're making reflect our Mission?"

All the members of your family are invested in seeing it through, because all the members had a hand in creating it.  You are a family, you are a team.  

Support/Guidance.

It can be so easy to lose yourself in all your responsibilities as a parent.  To run around like a chicken with it's head cut off, or bury your head in the sand like an ostrich in fear.

Both of those analogies really creep up on you as life gets busier and busier, and the next thing you know you're in full throttle.  But you know what both of those examples have in common?  Isolation.  Neither of those feathered friends above are spending time getting refreshed by their peers.  

If you know about oxytocin, then you'll know that we were created to live in a loving connection with other people (and if you don't know about oxytocin: it's a hormone our bodies create to connect us to another person.  Primarily released during lactation & child birth to bond with the baby, and during orgasm with our lover - it keeps us longing for them when they are gone, and we are less likely to make love to another).  

You don't see many indigenous peoples living solitary lives, and they don't just create community in order to scare off predators or invaders.  Why is this?  As humans we long for community and relationship with our peers.  Research studies have shown that people survive heart attack surgeries most effectively when they have loving, supportive relationships in their lives - that people have healthier bodies, clearer minds, and an overall sense of joy when they connect to other adults in meaningful relationships.

If you are shy or nervous when going meet new people it can be helpful to tell yourself that you're doing it for your teen.

Having adult friendships helps you maintain seperateness and self-definition from your teen (mentioned in Part 2 of this series).  You are able to role model for your teen what healthy friendships look like (remember those teen years, some of those friendships were iffy).  If you are a single parent, it can occur that our children and teens can take on a friend or caregiver role to fulfill our need for friendship/companionship - having your own adult friends takes that burden from your teen (even if he's placed that responsibility upon himself under no influence from you).

When you have friends who have pre-teens, teens, or grown children they can give you perspectives you wouldn't have thought of on your own.  The cliche: it takes a village to raise a child - does not stop at the teen years.  

Plus, if your friends have teens you benefit two-fold: They might have anecdotes about the kids you haven't heard yet, so you get a little glimpse into who your teen is when you're not around.  Second, if you all spend time together at the same time (adults visit adults while teens visit teens) in the same home, you're still interacting with your teen while also getting the refreshing you so deeply need.  

This is a pivotal point that I think many, many parents overlook.  They think their martyrdom from social activities is proving they are devoted parents, but in the grand scheme of things better parents balance time at home and time with friends.

Boundaries.

Teens hear Who You Are more than they hear what you say.  They aren't looking for head knowledge, they want to learn through experience.  That means they are siphoning your verbal and non-verbal communication with them and with other people.  They are putting it in their gas tank to use later when they are with others or with you.

I'd like you to genuinely ask yourself: What are your priorities, and do you actually incorporate them into your life?  

Do you say your priority is your family, but then you work late most days?  Do you say that you value clean/sober living, but then laugh along with movies that have drug or alcohol abuse?  Do you say that you place a high importance on good grades, but the tv or radio is always on? 

Where does what you say and what you do connect and where do they separate?  

What happens when someone else in your life pushes your limit?  Do you give in?  Do you give in and gripe?  Are you politely firm when you decline?  

What happens when your teen breaks a rule?  Do you follow through with the consequence?  Do you give warning after warning with no follow through?  Do you come up with a consequence on the spot, then feel guilty for how harsh it was and renege later?

Whether it's a boundary in your family, work or social life, your teen is picking all of it up.  He's learning how far he can push you, and also he's learning how far to allow others to push him.  

When you exhibit healthy and appropriate boundaries, your teen will internalize those same boundaries.  You can know that when he's at school, work, or out with friends he won't be talked into doing something harmful, and you can also know he won't likely be as overly rebellious to seek out risky behaviors as he would be otherwise.

If you wonder if your boundaries are healthy and appropriate, may I suggest that you write a list of your boundaries and then talk to your friends, spouse or partner, or a therapist.  If someone suggests you might have too strong of a boundary, or too weak of one, you have a starting point to find out where the happy-medium lies.

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Continued from: As Parents... It's Not All About Them: What Do WE Need to be Happy?  (Part 1)

Guilt.

I want to talk to you about guilt.  It's so ugly and destructive.  It tears down every piece of you.

When you parent from a place of guilt, you are also parenting from a place of powerlessness and unworthiness.  Have you ever met someone who operated from those spaces?  Maybe a coworker, boss, fellow student, or just an acquaintance when you took your child to the park?  What did you think of them?  Did their persona elicit respect, admiration, or love because they were so humble?  Guilt ≠ Humility.

It's easy to look back on our life and ruminate on the things we've done wrong, and it's even easier to beat ourselves up over parenting mistakes (some of those mistakes might be huge).  But this is important: Carrying the burden of guilt around does not make you a better parent.

This is your permission, from a psychotherapist, to release your guilt.

Guilt is your mind thinking about you.  How you feel about what happened.  How you impacted someone else negatively.  The guilt in your mind is pointing its finger at you, You, YOU (or me, Me, ME, however you read it).  

Guilt is self-centered.  Guilt says, "I did something wrong.  I am bad.  I am injured.  I need to be nurtured to heal."  So... I did something wrong works its way around to I need compassion.  It's all about the person who did the wrong and is carrying the guilt.  Guilt is greedy.  We both know from experience that effective parenting is anything but greedy or self-centeredness.

Remorse, on the other hand, is other-centered.  You mourn the other person.  You mourn what happened to them and what they experienced.  When you're feeling remorse over something that has happened to your child/teen, then you're also focusing on helping them heal.  With remorse you can grieve the thing that happened, and you can move on to repair the relationship. Remours says, "I did something wrong.  This person is hurting because of what happened.  How can I make this right and help them?"  Remorse moves you forward in your relationship, guilt keeps you stuck in a spiral of self-degradation.

So face up to it.  Know that you are human, humans are imperfect, and imperfections can run deep.  Apologize to your child/teen for what you caused and put the focus on how your beloved child feels (not how you feel).  And when you are forgiven - allow yourself to forgive you, too.

Compassion.

Full disclosure: as I write this, I have a 15 year old son.  I have a Master of Arts degree in Counseling Psychology, I provide psychotherapy and parenting skill-building for a living, and have a deep spiritual connection to God.

But just like you, I'm human.

And sometimes... my frustration gets the better of me.

From time to time, I'm tempted to ask my teen "WHAT were you thinking?" or, "I told you if you didn't start your homework earlier you wouldn't finish.  That bad grade is all your fault."   Those thoughts have been known to go through my head for a split second.  But what good would that do for my teen?  How would that prepare him for interacting with the world when he's an adult?  That would be my ego wanting control and acknowledgement, and his error is about him and not about me.  

As adults, how much do we need others to be there for us and to support us, even when we make a bad decision?  How much do we need our friends, family and partners?  Now, imagine being a teenager and needing that support equally or more.

There are enough "I told you so" people out in this world, our kids don't need those at home, too.

What influences a teen's ability to grow into a person who empathize with others is the amount of empathy and compassion he received when he made errors in judgement.  When he operated from his humanness.  

Connecting with the way it feels to mess up, let someone down, be let down, miscalculate a time schedule, feel unheard, be unable to articulate how you feel when you're feeling lousy - connecting with those feelings within you as a parent helps to stifle the "I told you so" button that you want to press when your teen didn't heed your sound advice and instead did it his way.  

Remember how powerless you felt when you were under everyone else's rules and expectations, and then something didn't go your way or you messed up.  It didn't feel good.

Compassion during times of tumult will not only keep peace in your home, but it will also draw your teen closer to you.  It makes you a safe person.  It makes you someone they can confide in when they are angry, sad or frustrated.  Teens feel resentful when the parent who was there for them as children is suddenly not as accessible because their expectations and reactions have shifted.  

As a parent, swallowing our pride and letting our teen own their misery, being there to listen and gently guide them into an appropriate response, and remembering not to take ownership over their mistake or their feelings goes a long way (miles long).

Self-Definition.

Your child is now a teen, and all the goals and aspirations you had for him are on the cusp of being attained.  It feels like he's at the ninth hour and it's make-it or break-it time.  If he can just maneuver his way through these last couple years, make good decisions, then it will be smooth sailing and all those dreams you had for him will come true.

But guess what.  You don't get to define your teen.  I know, it's so disappointing.  I'm there with you.  I remember tucking in the little guy at night and just imagining all the great things he could grow up to become.

And while, this isn't about my own son, but rather about that I can relate to those pulling, heart-breaking feelings when your teen resists and wants to do what he wants to do.  Dye his hair blue.  Quit track and field even though he's loved it all his life.  Play a lot more video games than you'd like him to play.  Yeah, those were not the images I had of him as a teen when he was 8 years old.

He gets to define himself.  He can be guided, and as parents we can (and should) put appropriate limits on the ways our teens choose to experiment with self-definition.  But we don't get to define our teenagers for them.

This portion of the article is not about defining our teens.  

It's about defining ourselves: as people (not as parents).  You get to define you.  Finally!

Who are you?  What do you stand for?  What are your non-negotiable values for this life?  What goals do you have and what are you doing to achieve them?

When you, as a parent and person, have a strong definition of who you are and what you stand for, your teen can see you as a cornerstone.  You can be the foundation that allows them to test the waters of their own identity.  They can trust that your "yes" means "yes" and your "no" means "no", and there is something very reassuring in knowing the ground beneath them is solid and holds their best interests.

When you have separated your self-definition from your teen's you can stand back and allow them to make mistakes without the need to rescue (who are you rescuing, them or yourself?).  You can respond appropriately without getting caught up in the teenage angst and drama.  You know that your identity and your ego is not threatened by their lapse in judgement.

You can have peace.  And best of all, you can provide peace.

This series continues:  As Parents... (Part 3)

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

In my last blog I referenced Dr. Daniel Siegel's analogy of teens being like waterfalls.  Well, in this blog I'm talking a little more about the good work he has put into studying the adolescent mind.  Dr. Siegel has come up with an acronym to describe the qualities in a teen brain that need to be ignited in order for them to thrive and become the self-actualizing adults who go for the gold.

That's what we want for our kids right?  Go for the gold!  Be successful in love, friendships, business and family.  Be happy.  Don't struggle financially.  Have stability in all their relationships - romance and friendships.  We want them to grow up so that we don't have to worry about them so much, right?

Well, that's what I want for my teen - and from what I gather by talking to friends and clients, those are all the same qualities they hope for their teens when they fly from the nest.  What I discuss below comes from the work of Dr. Daniel Siegel (I don't want to take credit for his hard work!).  I attended the Evolution of Psychotherapy conference and took copious notes.  When I was going back through my notes I felt very moved that more people need to learn about this!  So here is the way my brain wraps around his research:

E.S.S.E.N.C.E.

1. Emotional Spark
   
2. Social Engagement
   
3. Novelty
   
4. Creative Exploration
   

Emotional Spark - The brain is learning how to arrange emotions.  The fight-or-flight part of their brain is on high alert.  They are someday going to have to defend themselves and their own children from the world.  They are subconsciously trying to understand which emotions are more useful for survival, and because of this, all their emotions are on high alert.  They passionately feel everything (and it's not the myth of raging hormones that is to blame).  If we dismiss these feelings the teen will not learn the lesson we're trying to teach.

We think we're teaching them which things are worth reacting to, but that's not what their brains are processing.  Their brains are learning that this emotion isn't useful - or it's useful for a different reaction than is appropriate, depending on the reaction they get from you.  "Oh, I get attention when I yell or cry about anything."  or  "I'm deeply feeling hurt, and it doesn't matter that what hurt me is small, nobody is caring about the fact that I am hurting.  I'm unworthy."

The trick: acknowledge and name the emotion.  "Wow, you're really sad right now."  "I can see you're super frustrated."  You don't need to tell them why they shouldn't feel that way, just let them own it for a little while.  You don't have to cater to it, you can tell them that you would like them to be angry in their bedroom until they can carry a conversation without yelling - it's okay they're angry, it's not okay to yell.

Social Engagement - Teens NEED peer relationships.  These are connections they will have as adults.  These are relationships that will teach them what is acceptable, safe, dangerous, and allow them the ability to work through boundaries while their brains are remodeling.  When your teen was a child you taught him to share and to play fair.  Now that they are in adolescence they are getting a taste of the "real world" where people don't always play fair.  These are the years where the teen is learning out he relates to these new levels of grey where life isn't good or bad, black or white.

The trick:  if your teen has friends who you think are questionable, but whom your teen is bonded with - have them over to your house.  Yes, you'll spend a little more in groceries (teens and their hollow legs!), but you will be able to see the good qualities in these kids that your teen sees.  You'll be able to monitor what they are doing, and BONUS: you are indirectly still spending a little time with your teen during the waning years they're still at home.

Novelty - Most people have heard of dopamine and serotonin, but if you haven't then you'll be good to know these are the hormones that make you feel good.  When you exercise, make love, get good news, or go on a roller coaster you get that thrilling feeling of the dopamine surge (sidenote: illicit drugs raise your dopamine and serotonin levels, and that's why they feel good and are so addicting).  Well, according to Dr. Siegel's research, the baseline of these hormones drop during adolescence.  

So a child and an adult are running along on a certain amount of dopamine.  All day you just have this level of positivity that's always there.  But during the teen years your dopamine/positivity drug is limited, suddenly you're sullen, sulky, and kind of bummed out for no reason (sound like any formerly happy teenager you know?).  

Another thing happens: The bursts of dopamine are HUGE.  So you and I as adults are running at a higher level, and when something good happens we get this little shoot of excitement and joy.  The teen brain wants to reach that same level and since it is starting out at a lower level than we started from, it has to shoot a geyser to get up there!  That might look a little like mood swings, right?  What are some things we know release dopamine?  Getting hurt (why cutting is so common among teens as a form of coping), the risk of injury (skydiving, rollercoasters, driving fast), falling in love (swooooon)... can you think of any more?

The trick:  Be patient and understanding when they are feeling moody - they don't know why the construction worker remodeling their brain blew their dopamine, but it happened and it's beyond their control.  Teach them responsible and reasonable ways to get that rush so they don't get hurt trying to seek it out for themselves.  Engage them in exciting and fun activities, and role model (or find a good role model) responsibility.

Creative Exploration: Do you do all the things the same way that your parents and grandparents did them?  Have you found some neat alternatives to make your life easier?  Now, are you comfortable in your life?  At least, comfortable in how you do most of the things you do?

Well, that is because you were seeking out better ways, new ways, interesting ways, exciting ways to do things when you were a teen.  It was fun to one-up or best one of the adults - it was a game, thrilling!  Look what I can do better than you!  

This is how humanity has grown.  Each generation wants to do something more than their parents did.  Our teens don't need to do everything our way all the time, as long as they do it (and try to do a good job).  

The trick:  Use this to your advantage!  Your teen is SO INTELLIGENT!  Hey, they've just pruned away a ton of useless info, there's room for learning and growth!  You can give them traditional creative outlets and you can also let them explore problem solving for something useful to you.  Don't just placate a teen to keep them occupied - they'll see right through that, that's what we did when they were little guys.  Give them something that is happening around the house that you are stumped about, work on it together, give them room to take the lead on the project, listen to their ideas and let them try them (even if you don't think it'll really work).  As long as they aren't going to hurt someone or themselves they are quick thinkers and creative problem solvers.

Having a teen can be challenging mostly because they are changing and as parents we're used to them being the person they have always been, doing what they have always done, and obeying us as their "Chief Officer in Command".  They still need hierarchy, but think of it as you're a manager who is getting a promotion and you're training your teen to be your replacement.

You can do it!  

***and remember, if you want to learn more about E.S.S.E.N.C.E. you can look up Dr. Daniel Siegel.  He has authored books, articles, and just general amazingness.  He is one man on fire for our youth!


To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

I was at a seminar by Dr. Daniel Siegel not that long ago and he said, "Teenagers are like waterfalls.  You can't stop them, but you can help to direct their energy."  Or, it was something to that effect.

If you think back to your own teen years, you'll probably remember your parents telling you to do things and not to do other things.  You might remember that you listened and obeyed sometimes, and others you likely thought your parents just "didn't get it" and you did it anyway.  Those memories are so long ago, and when the event or thought happened it was so inconsequential that we don't easily pull it up as adults. 

But do you remember the other adults in your life?  Youth group leaders, sports coaches, favorite teachers, after school job employers... do you remember how you responded when they requested you to start or stop a task?  It was with a little more grace and a bit more respect, even if you didn't want to do it.  What was the difference?

Can we use this memory today when working with our own teens?  YES!

Usually, the reason teens have more "attitude" at home than they do in public is two-fold:

1) You have provided a safe space for them to speak their mind.  I know, good parenting sometimes feels like the old cliche "No good deed goes unpunished".  But your teen needs to learn how to respectfully decline and put up boundaries.  They don't always have the confidence to tell other people no without ruining relationships - so they comply (but really, is compliance with outside influences always a good idea? More on that another day).  At home, they know they will continue to be loved and valued even if they disagree.  

To you, reader, parent, caregiver, I want to say KUDOS!  Great job for providing a home where someone can feel so loved and valued that they also feel free to have an "attitude."  It means you've worked really hard for many years, and now your efforts are evident.

2) Brains.  Dr. Siegel also gives a wonderful analogy likening the adolescent brain to a house that's being remodeled.  In the child's brain you had your starter home, but as time changes and your family changes that home is just not going to fit anymore.  You remodel.  There is dust everywhere, holes where walls used to be, you're turning a few rooms into closets and pushing other walls out to expand your favorite, most used rooms.

The fancy, science terms for this is called Pruning and Myelination.  The adolescent brain is Pruning away, cutting back nerves, clusters of nerves, and just generally cleaning out what it won't need when it's finishing the remodel - Spring cleaning lasting a decade!  Myelination is when the brain is creating connections and cementing down memories (this can be both good and bad memories, behaviors, attitudes, etc.).

When your teen is forgetful and you know they know how to do something, they're not putting you on - their brains pruned it, it's gone.  They need to re-learn that task, and then they need to do it enough times that it myelinates.  When I think of Myelin, I think of the little piece of plastic at the end of a shoelace.  The first time you learn something it's just the shoelace by itself, but each time you learn it you get another piece of plastic coating cementing the memory and making it easier and easier for your brain to slide right to it again.

So what now?  Patience.  Grace.  And a LOT of teaching, role modeling and role playing.  Your job isn't done, now you get to use that safe space you worked so hard to create to help guide their waterfall energy so they know the appropriate ways to decline something not good for them and how to determine the times to comply.  Sometimes just knowing it isn't about your teen not liking you anymore, and knowing that they don't actually know about their remodel (can you imagine remodeling your home and not having any idea it's happening or what the house will look like when it's finished - pretty scary!) is enough information to give you to take a deep breath, find your patience, and show them again how to do their task properly or to remind and role model how to speak to you respectfully.  

Reader, you've gotten this far, YOU CAN DO IT!

Have you ever experienced these feelings:

I thought by now... I'd have a great marriage.

I thought by now... I'd be farther along in my career.

I thought by now... I'd understand my emotions surrounding my weight issues.

I thought by now... my kids would listen and respect me better.

I thought by now... I'd be happier... my parents would approve of me... I'd have a better social life... I'd feel more peaceful... I'd be able to balance all my responsibilities... I wouldn't be so worried or anxious all the time... I'd feel less grief for my loved one's death... I'd have joy.

I don't know why bad things might have happened to you, or why you're disappointed. I don't, and I won't pretend to have all the answers. But what I will do is get down into that murky water with you. I'll sit there in those deep and dark waters and listen to what you've been keeping to yourself all these years. You won't have to be alone when you are ready to talk bout the heavy things weighing on your heart.

When you're ready to create a new future, a new hope, then I will be there to do my very best to teach you some skills that might help.

I am passionate for you. I am passionate for families, marriages, and children. I believe there is a domino effect in our relationships with the people around us when we release some of the heartache we're holding and we learn new ways to relate to ourselves.

As an intern, I work under the supervision of board licensed therapist, Joe R. Taylor, LMFT #46406, who has had years of experience in the field. In addition to all that I've learned in graduate school, multitudes of extra training, and clinical experience, my supervisor ensures I use empirically validated techniques to help you enrich your life and skill set.

I am excited to know you, to help you, and to partner with you each week during your journey. This is your journey, and I'm honored to be a small part. Thank you for visiting my website and please feel free to click over to my Vitae to see the continuing education I've received and over to the About Me section to learn of some of my professional history. Thank you.