arent-teen relationships can be hard to navigate sometimes!

This is one of my favorite types of therapy to be a part of: helping parents and kids get on the same page.  We spend so much time with them and their cuteness while they're little and then they reach adolescence and they start pulling away.  It can feel surreal and a little heartbreaking sometimes.

No longer are we their best person who they want to come to for reassurance or a feeling of security - but we are "other" and they need to see how far they can push us away while still being a part of things.  Not all kids.  But many of them.

Here's the thing: it's not personal.

I mean, in some aspects it might be personal - you tend to tease them in front of their friends and they just don't want to be embarrassed on purpose anymore - but youth don't always know how to communicate that and still maintain their relationship.  They're new to this whole autonomny thing.  They don't know how to do it well.

Here's where I come in within the therapeutic process.

I meet with parent and child together.  We get on the same page and determine who my client is.  Usually it's the child/teen.  We figure out our goals - which since my client is the youth the goals are directed toward the youth's desires: learn how to talk so my parents will listen, become more independant, get along better with my friends, etc.  I ask the youth if it's okay if their parent can join us every three or four (or five) sessions so they can practice what we learn in session with someone who's safe and who would benefit from practicing with them.

Then we start sessions.  I get to know your teen/youth.  We talk about their friends, their parents and siblings.  We talk about what they want out of life or out of the weekend.  Through the casual conversation I pick up on various things in their story and ask more about it (why did you make that choice?  What did that make you think about yourself or about them?  How did you cope?) and then I ask what would happen if they tried it this other way?  Would the people around them respond differently if they said or did things from a different perspective?  If they would have taken a diffferent perspective would they have made different choices?

It's all part of a conversation that doesn't feel so clinical.  It's not like tv where we sit across from each otheer and I write on a pad of paper, psychoanalyzing them.  We go for walks or play Yahtzee. We might stay on the sofa/chair but curl up our legs and chat like friends would.  The teen/youth leaves feeling like she just talked to an aunt and not some professional lady who's going to tell her all the things she did wrong.

Then, during the session where parent comes in I wear my professional hat and help a dialogue take place.  My goal in that dialogue is two-fold: to focus on how the two people are communicating and to improve the relationship between them.  The teen's goal is usually to focus on the content of the conversation (Am I allowed to have a boyfriend/girlfriend? Can I stay the night at friends' houses, etc).  

The following session the teen/youth and I debrief about what went well and what could be improved upon.  We work on what they can do differently (because you can't change the people around you, you can only change yourself).  

And then the cycle begins again -  and hopefully with the next parent session the teen has another set of tools in their toolbelt and the relationship continues to evolve.  It's not a quick fix, but it's moving in the right direction toward healthy communication and relationship as your kiddo goes from child to teen to adult.

Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #104464
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Jessica works in Chico California helping individual adults and teens, couples, and families.  Whenever she's in session she's always thinking about the relationships this person has and how those relationships influence them and how they're influencing the relationships.  She's looking for the dance and looking to help her client navigate the ways they contribute to relationships and how they can change the song to one that's a little happier.

To contact her for an appointment send her an email at jdw@jessicawilkerson.com or call/text (530) 994-5114.

Last week I wrote a blog I titled, "Your New Normal."  It's such a big concept that I wanted to touch on another way of looking at the same topic.

When we're growing and changing on purpose there's a lot of emotional labor involved.  Noticing what you're doing that's contributing to pain and dysfunction in your life, trying to change established patterns of thinking and behaving, and navigating relationships around you. That's exhausting!  You're always thinking!

In some of the relationships you're trying to change you are trying to be kinder, less defensive, less offensive, what-have-you.  In other relationships you may be trying to have healthier and stronger boundaries.  Learning to say no - or standing up for yourself in situations you might have otherwise stood back and felt bad.  In these latter examples those relationships are likely going to feel worse before they feel better.

Tell yourself, "this is my new normal."

• "This is my new normal, when I say I don't want to do something I follow through at not doing it, no matter how much my friend or relative tries to convince me otherwise.  They'll figure out it's my new normal eventually."
• "This is my new normal, if someone is rude to me then I leave the situation.  I don't have to attend a party where the host or a guest is disrespectful."
• "This is my new normal, if I hear gossip in my presence I either shut it down by confronting it, changing the subject, or leaving.  People will learn that when I'm around they need to censor the negativity about other people."
• "This is my new normal, my spouse doesn't get to invite people over for dinner without giving me a day's notice and think I'll drop everything to be a hostess for his last minute party.  When his guests arrive and he is the one who had to figure out the menu he'll realize that I'm serious about being willing to host as long as I have adequate prep time."

As you precede your internal statement with "this is my new normal" it will give you that extra bit of courage to engage in the new behavior.  You're telling yourself that this isn't a new or scary change, but instead it's the first step to the personality shifting you've been wanting to make.

Another way to use "this is my new normal" is for your temporary baby steps toward your bigger shift.  

For example, you eventually want to be able to host parties on weekends spontaneously.  You've always wanted to be that social type of person who can just invite folks over and throw together a quick barbecue, put on some music, and enjoy friends.  But... the house is always messier than you'd like it to be, you don't usually have quick and easy foods to host with, and getting dressed up is more work than you want to do for a last minute party.

The new normal could be that you accept the messy house and your friends love you anyway.  You offer whatever random stuff or everyone stops and picks up an ingredient on the way to your house.  You host a party in your comfy-cozies.

Self disclosure: I've actually done all of the above.  I'm constantly in some state of transition (having a baby, grad school, husband in grad school, etc.) so trying to have everything just right is impossible.  It's actually really enjoyable after the first few disheveled barbecues because you no longer need to get everything just right anymore!  The mask has come off!

But I digress:

The new normal of baby steps toward your big goal here is to take a portion of the big picture and start making that small piece a new normal.  Once that small piece feels normal and you feel ready for the next step, you build upon it.  This could be that you start buying "just in case" bbq fixings and you always have something on hand (Tri Tip in the freezer, baked beans and rice in the cupboard).  Then you start BBQ-ing more often with just your little family, so BBQ feels casual and relaxed.  Once that feels normal you find what your next shift can be: you invite your very dearest friends over who don't expect the house spotless.  Then you invite them again and this time you're in your comfy-cozies instead of all dressed up.  Once hosting is a little less foreign and feels more "normal" you invite them again and it's last minute (to them).  Then you invite them again and it's last minute to you.  Then you repeat.

So that each small change you just maintain that one change until it feels like it's a normal part of you until you reach your end goal.  In this example, spontaneous hosting without having all the stressful parts impeding your invitations.

Some will be fun changes (more barbecues - yeay!) and some will be difficult (strengthening boundaries with unhealthy people - ugh).  But as long as you're making these changes in order to have a happy and healthy life for you, you'll be able to make each change your "new normal." 

Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #104464

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Jessica Wilkerson lives and works in Chico California.  She has an adult son in college and two little ones, in some ways her life is like the movie Groundhog's Day in that she's on round two of raising children, but in her version of the movie it's just as comedic but she enjoys each and every nuance - the joy and the sleepless nights alike!  She often wonders, though, how did Bill Murray wake so well rested every day?  

I've heard people say, "I just want to feel normal!"

​What is "Normal" anyway?

Normal is different for everyone.  It's either the way you usually feel, except for right now - or - it's the way you perceive everyone around you is feeling, and it's different from how you're feeling.

Let's look at this:

How you usually feel could be optimistic, peaceful, exuberant, or any number of positive traits, but lately you've been feeling otherwise.  You're not sure how to get back to your "old self," or if you even can.  Either way, you don't like the change that has taken place in your life and you're longing for positive change.

The other option is that you've always felt like you're kind of an Eyore (or Tigger or Piglet, etc) and you so deeply want to shed that aspect about yourself that you feel like the people without that Eyore quality are normal and you're flawed.  You want to change.

There are a few choices here.

• You can see that the world isn't so black and white.  This could be a really wonderful version of you and you can learn to accept it and make peace with the new you.  You can learn to accept that your Eyore, Tigger, or Piglet qualities are there to stay and dig deep to find the beautiful qualities of those archetypes.  
• You can list all the things you do well and that are positive about you and work on sculpting those so these positive things that already exist can shine even brighter.  You might be especially bouncy like Tigger, but you're also very creative and fabulous at brainstorming - so you join a mindbank and help others come up with solutions.

You can do both ideas listed above at the same time:

You can see that there are just things about who you are that you might not like; but are harmless, and you can accept them.  You're loud and your boundless energy can be felt from across the room.  The way people always notice you makes you feel uncomfortable or weird.  No matter how much you try to temper that energy or noise you always accidently realize that at some point your volume increased on it's own.  Okay.  That's doable.  That's not something that hurts other people's feelings unless you're gossiping or criticizing someone at that volume.  You might just need to accept that instead of striving to "be normal" like everyone else, this is YOUR NORMAL - and that's okay.

Once you've identified your "new normals" and you want to work toward accepting them it's important to start highlighting the areas you already love about yourself and work on cultivating them more deeply.  Do you have a heart to try new things - even if your life has been so busy you don't get to try new things that often - now you're going to focus on this inquisitive and brave heart of yours.  You sign up for dance lessons or skydiving, you go on a spontateous road trip.

Then, when you're in the action of doing the existing character trait really be present in it, soak it in.  Go over it afterward either mentally with yourself or by talking about it with someone.  Reinforce this really neat thing about who you are.  As you do this, the things that are your "new normal" will become more and more palatable, and eventually will just be part of the colorful tapestry that is you.

No longer will you be wishing to "go back to normal" or wishing that you "were normal like everyone else."  From then on, you'll see that your normal is a pretty great thing that brings a lot of joy to your life and to your heart.  

Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT

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Jessica Wilkerson is a LIcensed Marriage and Family Therapist who works in Chico California.  She provides EMDR for trauma processing and EFT for couples therapy.  She has a radio show that airs weekly on Christian Talk Radio KKXX.net & 103.9 FM.  Jessica has a heart to help people discover joy.

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I have a tendency to dig right in.

I have to force myself to remember to engage in the expected pleasentries of hello, how are you, how has your day been so far?  This is because by the time my client has shown up to my office I've already been thinking about him/her - how about I just say "you" instead of the politically correct pronouns.

I've been thinking about you. 

I get up in the morning, take my shower, drink my coffee, drop my children off to their respective places, and drive into work.  I listen to the radio while I drive in, but that's mostly background noise.  I think about the people I get to see today.  Their stories come back to me and I start wondering how they've been this week based on how they left my office the previous week.

By the time you arrive, I've already started our conversation hours ago, and I'm ready to jump right in.  But quite often, I'll catch myself, and I'll say the hello first...

I think existing clients become accustomed to my genuine interest in hearing about their experiences and my deeper digging, "so then how did that make you feel about yourself afterwards?"  But newer clients always have longer pauses and their expressions a little more awkward, as if to say, "hold the reigns there cowgirl, we've just met!"

Here's the thing I think new clients need to know - therapists love this stuff!

Licensed therapists have either a master's or doctorate degree in psychology or social work.  They invested 6-10 years of schooling and then 2-10 years of internship before taking rigorous exams to obtain their license.  They incurred enormous debt as a financial investment.  All-the-while knowing that this is not a highly lucrative field.  This is because they see the best in the world and they want to help fix people's hearts and their relationships.  They went though all that time because they want to spend their lives increasing the joy in this world and mitigating the sorrow.  They are the types of people who look at someone's pain and want to stand next to them, helping them to get through it.  

So think of it this way, if you over-disclose in "real life" it might be a problem and there might be judgement.  You should and do need to go slowly with friendships, disclosing as you build trust.  New relationships are a time where you're both showing the other person how trustworthy, judgemental, forgiving, open-minded, etc you each are.  You're finding the balance of disclosure - how much is too much vs how much is just right.

In therapy, we are unique individuals who already had a knack for digging deep, wanting to understand, and with big ol' hearts for helping others.  

I had a person once tell me, "You're going to see inside my soul!"

Wow!  That's deep!  That's heavy.

And I think the scary thing for that person isn't that I'll see in their soul, but that I'll peer in there and see their brokenness, see what's wrong with them, decide they're irredemable, and reject or judge them.  That would certainly be a heavy secret to keep.

But let me reassure you, when I'm digging deep I'm looking for the places that shine - for what's beautiful.  I'm looking for the broken pieces and seeing if I can find every last shard so I can help you put it back together.  It might not look like it did before it broke (your heart or you), but it will be a new masterpiece.  

People have these wounds they carry around for fear others will see their pain and exacerbate it with negativity, so they hold onto it tight.  Then I come around with my cheerful demeanor and ask to take a look.  I don't believe I'll see the things you fear down there.  I won't see monsters.  I'll see what happened during your foundational experiences that hurt you, and the behaviors you've been engaging in as a way to protect you from those original things.  I'm looking for ways to help you save yourself.

So the next time you're in therapy and whomever your therapist might be asks you a question that you think will turn them off from you forever, dig deep and answer it anyway.  It might give them the exact road map they need to help you find your new masterpiece and put together the pain so it's not something you need to carry with you any longer.

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Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT 104464
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Jessica lives and works in Chico California where she helps teens, adults, and couples battle through trauma and relationships to find a more joy filled, balanced, and healthier life.  You can reach out to her for an appointment by phone/text at (530) 994-5114 or by email at jdw@jessicawilkerson.com

The devastating Camp Fire changed everything for every single person who lived in Paradise and all the surrounding towns.  I’m choosing not to give a synopsis of what the denizens of Paradise experienced in the Camp Fire because it’s something that can easily be googled, and those who have lived through it don’t need to read about it, again (and again, and again).

What I want to talk about in this article is the PTSD that is sweeping through Butte County and touching every person here - not just the folks who made it out.

The people who fled through walls of flames are survivors!  They are warriors!

But this article isn’t about them…….

It’s about:

The people who were in Chico or Oroville and who weren’t allowed to drive up to Paradise to save their loved ones.  They had to sit and wait to hear.

The families who have sheltered their loved ones after they made it out of the fire.

The people who have volunteered at shelters, churches, or raised funds.

The individuals and groups who raised money or virtually adopted families.

The employees at the stores when people were shopping for the donations or when they ran out of air filters and air purifiers.  Those on the front lines witnessing the plight of others day after day as a part of their job.

The ones who had compromised immune systems or lungs and couldn’t leave their homes to help, but who were inundated on tv, internet and social media.

The folks who haven’t been able to get apartments, jobs, or child care because the town grew too fast with more people than there are resources and now supply and demand is on high on demand and low on supply.

The days and weeks that smoke hung in the air, clouding our vision, choking our throats, and seeping into homes between the cracks.

Watching so many people affected so thoroughly, and not being able to stop it or “help enough.”

THESE PEOPLE ALSO HAVE PTSD - or at least Secondary Traumatic Stress Disorder.
(Secondary traumatic stress is the emotional duress that results when an individual hears about the firsthand trauma experiences of another).

I keep hearing people compare their pain.  They say, “but it could have been worse…” and follow that statement with a catastrophic fantasy that could theoretically happen or has actually happened to someone else.  They discount their pain because others are also hurting.

But that doesn’t alleviate their pain.

Comparing your pain to someone else’s compounds your hurt so that now you’re hurting and also ashamed about it.  Now, more statements start coming up about being weak or selfish. Now you’re in pain, you’re ashamed, and you’re labeling yourself.  

And still not reaching out for help.

Because other people need it more than you do.

That’s not how pain works.

Pain is pain is pain.

Anxiety is anxiety is anxiety.

Trauma is trauma is trauma.

Those things don’t compare themselves with others, they just take up residence in your heart and mind.  If gone unchecked they continue to grow until they become a beast you can’t ignore anymore.

You don’t have to waste your time waiting for it to grow larger.  Your sacrifice of "not going to talk to someone about it" isn’t actually helping anyone out in the world who has suffered more than you.  You aren’t giving up your spot for them. You’re just suffering needlessly.

I know that as the summer heat has set in, I myself, have been feeling a little anxious about fire season.  It’s been windy lately. It’s getting warmer and warmer. I’m a therapist and I’m feeling it. I’m also hearing the fear around me at the grocery store, with clients, and on my social media pages.  It’s out there.  But we don't have to keep it to ourselves.  We don't have to feel alone within a sense of foreboding.  There's something we can do: we can talk, we can support each other, we can make each other feel NOT CRAZY for feeling so bad about things that have happened. 

You don’t have to have been a fire survivor to be one of the survivors of this catastrophic event.  It’s okay to reach out for help; to talk to someone trained to help you get through to the other side of the tension and stress.

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Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #104464

Jessica provides therapy to families, individuals, teens, and couples in Chico, California.  To see if she has any openings and set an appointment, you can reach her at:
(530) 994-5114
jdw@jessicawilkerson.com





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