I have a tendency to dig right in.

I have to force myself to remember to engage in the expected pleasentries of hello, how are you, how has your day been so far?  This is because by the time my client has shown up to my office I've already been thinking about him/her - how about I just say "you" instead of the politically correct pronouns.

I've been thinking about you. 

I get up in the morning, take my shower, drink my coffee, drop my children off to their respective places, and drive into work.  I listen to the radio while I drive in, but that's mostly background noise.  I think about the people I get to see today.  Their stories come back to me and I start wondering how they've been this week based on how they left my office the previous week.

By the time you arrive, I've already started our conversation hours ago, and I'm ready to jump right in.  But quite often, I'll catch myself, and I'll say the hello first...

I think existing clients become accustomed to my genuine interest in hearing about their experiences and my deeper digging, "so then how did that make you feel about yourself afterwards?"  But newer clients always have longer pauses and their expressions a little more awkward, as if to say, "hold the reigns there cowgirl, we've just met!"

Here's the thing I think new clients need to know - therapists love this stuff!

Licensed therapists have either a master's or doctorate degree in psychology or social work.  They invested 6-10 years of schooling and then 2-10 years of internship before taking rigorous exams to obtain their license.  They incurred enormous debt as a financial investment.  All-the-while knowing that this is not a highly lucrative field.  This is because they see the best in the world and they want to help fix people's hearts and their relationships.  They went though all that time because they want to spend their lives increasing the joy in this world and mitigating the sorrow.  They are the types of people who look at someone's pain and want to stand next to them, helping them to get through it.  

So think of it this way, if you over-disclose in "real life" it might be a problem and there might be judgement.  You should and do need to go slowly with friendships, disclosing as you build trust.  New relationships are a time where you're both showing the other person how trustworthy, judgemental, forgiving, open-minded, etc you each are.  You're finding the balance of disclosure - how much is too much vs how much is just right.

In therapy, we are unique individuals who already had a knack for digging deep, wanting to understand, and with big ol' hearts for helping others.  

I had a person once tell me, "You're going to see inside my soul!"

Wow!  That's deep!  That's heavy.

And I think the scary thing for that person isn't that I'll see in their soul, but that I'll peer in there and see their brokenness, see what's wrong with them, decide they're irredemable, and reject or judge them.  That would certainly be a heavy secret to keep.

But let me reassure you, when I'm digging deep I'm looking for the places that shine - for what's beautiful.  I'm looking for the broken pieces and seeing if I can find every last shard so I can help you put it back together.  It might not look like it did before it broke (your heart or you), but it will be a new masterpiece.  

People have these wounds they carry around for fear others will see their pain and exacerbate it with negativity, so they hold onto it tight.  Then I come around with my cheerful demeanor and ask to take a look.  I don't believe I'll see the things you fear down there.  I won't see monsters.  I'll see what happened during your foundational experiences that hurt you, and the behaviors you've been engaging in as a way to protect you from those original things.  I'm looking for ways to help you save yourself.

So the next time you're in therapy and whomever your therapist might be asks you a question that you think will turn them off from you forever, dig deep and answer it anyway.  It might give them the exact road map they need to help you find your new masterpiece and put together the pain so it's not something you need to carry with you any longer.

----
Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT 104464
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

Jessica lives and works in Chico California where she helps teens, adults, and couples battle through trauma and relationships to find a more joy filled, balanced, and healthier life.  You can reach out to her for an appointment by phone/text at (530) 994-5114 or by email at jdw@jessicawilkerson.com

The devastating Camp Fire changed everything for every single person who lived in Paradise and all the surrounding towns.  I’m choosing not to give a synopsis of what the denizens of Paradise experienced in the Camp Fire because it’s something that can easily be googled, and those who have lived through it don’t need to read about it, again (and again, and again).

What I want to talk about in this article is the PTSD that is sweeping through Butte County and touching every person here - not just the folks who made it out.

The people who fled through walls of flames are survivors!  They are warriors!

But this article isn’t about them…….

It’s about:

The people who were in Chico or Oroville and who weren’t allowed to drive up to Paradise to save their loved ones.  They had to sit and wait to hear.

The families who have sheltered their loved ones after they made it out of the fire.

The people who have volunteered at shelters, churches, or raised funds.

The individuals and groups who raised money or virtually adopted families.

The employees at the stores when people were shopping for the donations or when they ran out of air filters and air purifiers.  Those on the front lines witnessing the plight of others day after day as a part of their job.

The ones who had compromised immune systems or lungs and couldn’t leave their homes to help, but who were inundated on tv, internet and social media.

The folks who haven’t been able to get apartments, jobs, or child care because the town grew too fast with more people than there are resources and now supply and demand is on high on demand and low on supply.

The days and weeks that smoke hung in the air, clouding our vision, choking our throats, and seeping into homes between the cracks.

Watching so many people affected so thoroughly, and not being able to stop it or “help enough.”

THESE PEOPLE ALSO HAVE PTSD - or at least Secondary Traumatic Stress Disorder.
(Secondary traumatic stress is the emotional duress that results when an individual hears about the firsthand trauma experiences of another).

I keep hearing people compare their pain.  They say, “but it could have been worse…” and follow that statement with a catastrophic fantasy that could theoretically happen or has actually happened to someone else.  They discount their pain because others are also hurting.

But that doesn’t alleviate their pain.

Comparing your pain to someone else’s compounds your hurt so that now you’re hurting and also ashamed about it.  Now, more statements start coming up about being weak or selfish. Now you’re in pain, you’re ashamed, and you’re labeling yourself.  

And still not reaching out for help.

Because other people need it more than you do.

That’s not how pain works.

Pain is pain is pain.

Anxiety is anxiety is anxiety.

Trauma is trauma is trauma.

Those things don’t compare themselves with others, they just take up residence in your heart and mind.  If gone unchecked they continue to grow until they become a beast you can’t ignore anymore.

You don’t have to waste your time waiting for it to grow larger.  Your sacrifice of "not going to talk to someone about it" isn’t actually helping anyone out in the world who has suffered more than you.  You aren’t giving up your spot for them. You’re just suffering needlessly.

I know that as the summer heat has set in, I myself, have been feeling a little anxious about fire season.  It’s been windy lately. It’s getting warmer and warmer. I’m a therapist and I’m feeling it. I’m also hearing the fear around me at the grocery store, with clients, and on my social media pages.  It’s out there.  But we don't have to keep it to ourselves.  We don't have to feel alone within a sense of foreboding.  There's something we can do: we can talk, we can support each other, we can make each other feel NOT CRAZY for feeling so bad about things that have happened. 

You don’t have to have been a fire survivor to be one of the survivors of this catastrophic event.  It’s okay to reach out for help; to talk to someone trained to help you get through to the other side of the tension and stress.

---------------------

Jessica Wilkerson, LMFT
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #104464

Jessica provides therapy to families, individuals, teens, and couples in Chico, California.  To see if she has any openings and set an appointment, you can reach her at:
(530) 994-5114
jdw@jessicawilkerson.com





​

Tuesday evenings 6:00-7:30 pm, now through June 24.  Chico Creek Counseling.

Beginning next week, I'm offering a 7 week group for parents of adolescents.  If you have a pre-teen or teenager and your relationship with him/her has been affected by their new sets of behaviors.  Is this happening:  One minute they are sweet talking you like when they were little, the next minute they're screaming at you that you don't know anything and you're so unfair?

Has there been a change in your teenager's life: divorce of parents, changing of schools, changing of friends, the new freedom of having a driver's license or job, drama with friends.

And have you noticed these changes have also created changes in your home life. It's affecting your teen, but it's also contributing to confusion and hurt feelings by the rest of the family, and you've been trying your best to figure things out and smooth them over.

You are NOT alone!

I have provided therapy to many, many junior high and high school kids.  I have provided a lot of family therapy: the parents, the child(ren), me, and the sofa.  It seems that so many similar themes play out in families during this time of restructuring.  Every family I work with is very unique, and yet still struggling in similar ways.

I've created a 6 week program to talk about topics that I see as reoccurring themes to help parents know what is in their power.  Where to give leeway, where to hold firm, and develop a little more understanding about what is going on in that teen brain!

The group is $25 per session.  However, because for me this group is more about helping families.  Helping teens by helping their parents.  Helping fellow parents keep their serenity.  Because I'm passionate for families, I'm not doing this group to grow rich in money, but rich in love and satisfaction of helping others.  The first parent in the family who attends pays $25, but the second parent is only $10 (plus, the first session you attend is free!)  

Parent can also be a grandparent or caregiver struggling with the behaviors in the home, and looking to be a support system for the family.

Please call or text (530) 921-5122 or email jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com to register.

Class schedule is as follows:

5/13 - What is going on in that brain?!?!  Discussion about the changes in the teen brain & how it
           affects behavior.
5/20 - Where did I go wrong?  No one is perfect all the time.  How guilt influences the way we
           parent, & how to shed guilt.
5/27 - Expectations.  Parent expectations, tween/teen expectations - where is the balance? 
6/3 -   Boundaries with Teens.  Where do you draw your line, and how do you hold to it?
6/10 - A Family on a Mission.  How to bring cohesion to your family so everyone is on track &
           going the same direction. 
6/17 - Does it sometimes feel like your family is in chaos?  Learn strategies & techniques for
           holding a family meeting and getting your teen invested in the rules & the decisions made
          during that meeting.
6/24 - Conversation Hour.  No particular topic.  What is the nagging thing that is still lingering in 
           your family, and you want to talk about with Jessica and with a few other parents.  
           Let's just sit, chat, and troubleshoot!

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/

Continued from: As Parents... It's Not All About Them: What Do WE Need to be Happy?  (Part 1)

Guilt.

I want to talk to you about guilt.  It's so ugly and destructive.  It tears down every piece of you.

When you parent from a place of guilt, you are also parenting from a place of powerlessness and unworthiness.  Have you ever met someone who operated from those spaces?  Maybe a coworker, boss, fellow student, or just an acquaintance when you took your child to the park?  What did you think of them?  Did their persona elicit respect, admiration, or love because they were so humble?  Guilt ≠ Humility.

It's easy to look back on our life and ruminate on the things we've done wrong, and it's even easier to beat ourselves up over parenting mistakes (some of those mistakes might be huge).  But this is important: Carrying the burden of guilt around does not make you a better parent.

This is your permission, from a psychotherapist, to release your guilt.

Guilt is your mind thinking about you.  How you feel about what happened.  How you impacted someone else negatively.  The guilt in your mind is pointing its finger at you, You, YOU (or me, Me, ME, however you read it).  

Guilt is self-centered.  Guilt says, "I did something wrong.  I am bad.  I am injured.  I need to be nurtured to heal."  So... I did something wrong works its way around to I need compassion.  It's all about the person who did the wrong and is carrying the guilt.  Guilt is greedy.  We both know from experience that effective parenting is anything but greedy or self-centeredness.

Remorse, on the other hand, is other-centered.  You mourn the other person.  You mourn what happened to them and what they experienced.  When you're feeling remorse over something that has happened to your child/teen, then you're also focusing on helping them heal.  With remorse you can grieve the thing that happened, and you can move on to repair the relationship. Remours says, "I did something wrong.  This person is hurting because of what happened.  How can I make this right and help them?"  Remorse moves you forward in your relationship, guilt keeps you stuck in a spiral of self-degradation.

So face up to it.  Know that you are human, humans are imperfect, and imperfections can run deep.  Apologize to your child/teen for what you caused and put the focus on how your beloved child feels (not how you feel).  And when you are forgiven - allow yourself to forgive you, too.

Compassion.

Full disclosure: as I write this, I have a 15 year old son.  I have a Master of Arts degree in Counseling Psychology, I provide psychotherapy and parenting skill-building for a living, and have a deep spiritual connection to God.

But just like you, I'm human.

And sometimes... my frustration gets the better of me.

From time to time, I'm tempted to ask my teen "WHAT were you thinking?" or, "I told you if you didn't start your homework earlier you wouldn't finish.  That bad grade is all your fault."   Those thoughts have been known to go through my head for a split second.  But what good would that do for my teen?  How would that prepare him for interacting with the world when he's an adult?  That would be my ego wanting control and acknowledgement, and his error is about him and not about me.  

As adults, how much do we need others to be there for us and to support us, even when we make a bad decision?  How much do we need our friends, family and partners?  Now, imagine being a teenager and needing that support equally or more.

There are enough "I told you so" people out in this world, our kids don't need those at home, too.

What influences a teen's ability to grow into a person who empathize with others is the amount of empathy and compassion he received when he made errors in judgement.  When he operated from his humanness.  

Connecting with the way it feels to mess up, let someone down, be let down, miscalculate a time schedule, feel unheard, be unable to articulate how you feel when you're feeling lousy - connecting with those feelings within you as a parent helps to stifle the "I told you so" button that you want to press when your teen didn't heed your sound advice and instead did it his way.  

Remember how powerless you felt when you were under everyone else's rules and expectations, and then something didn't go your way or you messed up.  It didn't feel good.

Compassion during times of tumult will not only keep peace in your home, but it will also draw your teen closer to you.  It makes you a safe person.  It makes you someone they can confide in when they are angry, sad or frustrated.  Teens feel resentful when the parent who was there for them as children is suddenly not as accessible because their expectations and reactions have shifted.  

As a parent, swallowing our pride and letting our teen own their misery, being there to listen and gently guide them into an appropriate response, and remembering not to take ownership over their mistake or their feelings goes a long way (miles long).

Self-Definition.

Your child is now a teen, and all the goals and aspirations you had for him are on the cusp of being attained.  It feels like he's at the ninth hour and it's make-it or break-it time.  If he can just maneuver his way through these last couple years, make good decisions, then it will be smooth sailing and all those dreams you had for him will come true.

But guess what.  You don't get to define your teen.  I know, it's so disappointing.  I'm there with you.  I remember tucking in the little guy at night and just imagining all the great things he could grow up to become.

And while, this isn't about my own son, but rather about that I can relate to those pulling, heart-breaking feelings when your teen resists and wants to do what he wants to do.  Dye his hair blue.  Quit track and field even though he's loved it all his life.  Play a lot more video games than you'd like him to play.  Yeah, those were not the images I had of him as a teen when he was 8 years old.

He gets to define himself.  He can be guided, and as parents we can (and should) put appropriate limits on the ways our teens choose to experiment with self-definition.  But we don't get to define our teenagers for them.

This portion of the article is not about defining our teens.  

It's about defining ourselves: as people (not as parents).  You get to define you.  Finally!

Who are you?  What do you stand for?  What are your non-negotiable values for this life?  What goals do you have and what are you doing to achieve them?

When you, as a parent and person, have a strong definition of who you are and what you stand for, your teen can see you as a cornerstone.  You can be the foundation that allows them to test the waters of their own identity.  They can trust that your "yes" means "yes" and your "no" means "no", and there is something very reassuring in knowing the ground beneath them is solid and holds their best interests.

When you have separated your self-definition from your teen's you can stand back and allow them to make mistakes without the need to rescue (who are you rescuing, them or yourself?).  You can respond appropriately without getting caught up in the teenage angst and drama.  You know that your identity and your ego is not threatened by their lapse in judgement.

You can have peace.  And best of all, you can provide peace.

This series continues:  As Parents... (Part 3)

To make an appointment with Jessica for therapy, please call her at (530) 921-5122 or email her at jwilkerson@chicocreekcounseling.com.  You can find her on her office webpage at: http://chicocreekcounseling.com/our-staff/jessica-wilkerson/